The following conversations were taped on a recorded line, for quality assurance purposes.
August 2014
Hostess Operator: Hostess Bakery, how may I help you?
Me: Howdy, can I speak to Twinkie the Kid?
Hostess Operator: Twinkie the who?
Me: Twinkie the Kid — you know, oblong yellow guy, rosy dimples, wears a cowboy hat, a fierce opponents of pantalones.
Hostess Operator: Oh, so you want to order of Twinkies? Which flavor? May I suggest our Chocodile Twinkies? I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed.
Me: That’s the absolute last thing I want. Have you tried those things? I’ve had M&M’s that are bigger, and definitely more chocolaty. What’s the shell made out of anyway? I’m fairly sure the black crayons I ate in preschool had a better texture than whatever y’all are pumping into those.
Hostess Operator: I’m sorry you’re disappointed, sir.
Me: Well I’m sorry you’re sorry I’m disappointed.
Hostess Operator: What does that even mean?
Me: No idea. Can I just talk to The Kid?
Hostess Operator: I’m sorry, sir, but he’s currently at 73rd Annual Prepackaged Snack Cake Convention. We’ll pass on your comments.
MeBu—
Hostess Operator: Goodbye!
April 2017
Hostess Operator: Hostess Bakery, how may I direct your call?
Me: Hey, yeah, can I speak to Twinkie the Kid? I’ve got an urgent question.
Hostess Operator: Twinkie the who?
Me: Really, were going to do this again?
Hostess Operator: Oh, I remember you! You’re the one who said he’d rather eat crayons than our Chocodile Twinkies.
Me: Technically, I’d rather eat neither, but sure, we can go with that. But speaking about those Chocodile Fudge Covered Twinkies.
Hostess Operator: Still crap?
Me: No, much better. Actually, they’re really kind of good, although I admit that box with the melted chocolate being drizzled over the Twinkie is a tad bit deceptive.
Hostess Operator: Call it advertising liberty.
Me: Sure. But like I said, pretty good. The chocolate shell actually tastes like chocolate. Now I’m not talking fancy chocolate you’d buy for your wife on Valentine’s Day, but definitely the kind of chocolate you pick up at the dollar store and put in your 4-year-olds Easter basket.
Hostess Operator: So you’re saying it doesn’t taste like wax?
Me: Oh yeah, not at all. I mean it’s still incredibly sweet. But since they’re bigger, one or two definitely kills a snack cake craving.
Hostess Operator: And the Twinkie cake and crème?
Me: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. That’s really the best part; since the shell doesn’t ruin the essence of the Twinkie, it actually serves as a kind of shield that helps preserves the fluffy cake inside. And let me tell you, when you can line up fluffy cake, crispy chocolate shell, and Twinkie crème, and do it all without any funky aftertastes or waxy crayon texture, then you’ve got a product I’ll keep buying.
Hostess Operator: Sounds like you won’t need to be talking to Twinkie the Kid after all.
Me: Oh, no. I still need to ask him why he never wears pants.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 cake – 210 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein..)
Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Preservation of Twinkie “essence.” Improved texture and taste in the chocolate (excuse me: ‘fudge’) shell. Bigger than the 2014 Chocodiles.
Cons: Not exactly Ghirardelli. The proverbial cloying taste of Twinkie shell. Awesome source of saturated fat. Horrible customer service.
Nit Pick here, Quality Assurance, not Insurance. But the real question is, will these ‘modified’ Twinkies have the same shelf life as original Twinkies (ie Forever)?
Ugh! Totally missed that! Thanks for pointing that out! I’m totally slipping as an editor.
I like finding new obscure junk food as much as all the reviewers here. I usually am delighted by the reviews and sometimes seek out the food reviewed based on positive ones. So I want to start with I’m a fan.
But…”I mean it’s still incredibly sweet and would probably send me into a diabetic coma after four or five Twinkies”… I am also a type 1 diabetic that was in a coma at 13 to be diagnosed diabetic. So, can we please stop with the insensitive “diabetic coma” joke? If you can’t think of a different way to convey how sweet something is, then you shouldn’t be writing reviews.
Thank you. Usually enjoy the light-hearted nature of this site. But, i’m also a type-1 diabetic that has come very close to a diabetic ketoacidosis induced coma and i’m fairly certain that people that make that stupid joke would stop if they’d experienced one too. They’re…really not fun. :/
You both are absolutely correct. And I apologize for having it in the review. Actually, I totally slipped up on the editing of this review. I take fully responsibility for it. Ever since I had another complaint a few years ago about the use of “diabetic coma” in another review (maybe by one of you), I’ve tried to make sure that I edit it out of future reviews because it is insensitive. But, unfortunately, it slipped through this one. I’ve edited the review. Once again, I apologize for it. And if it ever happens again, which I hope it doesn’t, please do call me out on it again.
lol at Marvo apologizing to snowflakes. I’m guessing they are both under 30.
So what if you almost went into a coma, does that mean coma jokes can never be mentioned by anybody ever? What kind of authority do your feelings have? I almost died in a car crash years ago, does that mean my feelings about cars must be observed by everyone at all times? My brother died from cancer. Ah Oh, I hereby ban all cancer jokes!!!
Get it through your young minds, jokes about terrible things actually create good outcomes. Marvo is definitely old enough to know not to apologize to these people.
This is why Donald Trump & his various offspring will probably be presidents for the next half century.
It’s unappetizing to see food clearly photographed on the floor.
Really love the review style you went with on this. Super creative narrative approach while still succinctly covering the product!
Ugh, it was hard to read this one.
Pretty cool that you got the same customer service rep 3 years later. And they remembered you. Of course, that could just mean you were the topic of many a Christmas party conversation.
I once had a waxy crayon stuck in my nose for 7 whole days!
Anyway, I am deeply offended by this review. CANT YOU THINK OF ANOTHER WAY OF DESCRIBING BAD CHOCOLATE?!?!?!?!
I have been eating chocodiles from when they first came out. And when they discontinued them I was so hurt .Than when they game back out 2 hrs ago I was so happy I felt like I was in my childhood again. Now I DNT see them in the stores anymore and I want to Kno y???? Don’t discontinue the !!!!!
Deeeeeeeeelicious!!! The best ive had in a long time i felt like i was back in elementary school when having a hostess product of any kind was great!!!
I have a big pile of dog poo that you’ll be crazy about then.
I actually found these to taste far less like Twinkies and more like the other chocolate covered cake creme-filled thing they have…what are they…ding dongs? Ho hos? Whatever they call them. The chocolate is overbearing and the Twinkie is far less spongy and more cakey. It was good, don’t get me wrong…something I’d definitely snack on again if given the opportunity, but it didn’t really feel/taste much like a Twinkie.
Yeah, I impulsively bought a box yesterday. They made me sad. The picture on the box made me think they would be similar to ding dongs… They are not. Hmmm…. Best way to describe my experience with the sad twinkles. Ok, it’s as if someone took an old stale Twinkie and dipped it in wax flavored Yoohoo. It was also chewy, not mmm caramel chewy, but ugh I have a sticky film on my teeth chewy. The creme was still intact in it’s original yumminess, so that’s a pro.
GOD AWFUL TWINKIES! ~ The understatement of the century.
I purchased a box 2 months ago and I am still trying to get rid of them.
Purchase a box and you will regret it.
I am glad I don’t eat or like chocolate because I wouldn’t eat these if they were given to me. This just looks awful. Leave the twinkies alone. Stop trying to change them. With the exception of a couple of different flavored fillings, your trying to make these into Zingers. Which are good by the way.