When I saunter into my local Dairy Queen and order a Blizzard, I do so because it tastes good and is the most efficient way to significantly exceed my recommended daily allowance of sugar and saturated fat. I don’t buy one because it’s pretty and will get me likes on Instagram. With many Blizzards featuring varying shades of brown with a mix of chunks, they don’t really match up with some of those made-for-social-media drinks at the place that sells overpriced coffee.
But the new Zero Gravity Blizzard — here for a limited time to celebrate the upcoming 50th anniversary of the July 20, 1969, moon landing — is a bit different.
For one thing, the name doesn’t even hint at its contents, unlike most Blizzard variations that pretty much give away the composition if you just ignore the superfluous superlatives, like outrageous or ultimate. This version offers Oreo cookie pieces mixed with cotton candy topping and vanilla soft serve, plus “space inspired iridescent blue and black swirls and galaxy sprinkles.” Even that description leaves some mystery, like what the heck is that whole last part? Well, it’s basically a lot of words and not a lot of taste.
I do have to give DQ credit for trying to up their game with this Blizzard and making an Instagram-worthy treat without going full Starbucks on us and using dragon fruit, passion fruit, or some other fruit that I’m not 100-percent certain really exists but don’t care enough to check.
Even so, this one is a bit of a letdown, starting with the name. In fact, Zero Gravity would be a good name for virtually any Blizzard variety except this one. We all know the standard presentation method for a Blizzard is a quick upside-down flip by the server, possibly followed by a smile and/or thank you (but those are optional). With the Zero Gravity, however, the DQ employee sheepishly explained that she was not going to turn it upside-down because “a lot of it would probably fall out.”
Huh? Does this even qualify as a Blizzard?
She hurried off before I had a chance to question this shocking revelation or inquire whether said Blizzard would be free because I vaguely remember that being the deal between the Queen of cow juice and her loyal subjects—that a Blizzard presented without the wrist-flip would be free.
So what did I do? Not wanting to fully test the power of gravity, I gave my “Zero Gravity” Blizzard a very slight and quick tilt. Gravity did indeed respond at a level well above zero and promptly sent some of my Blizzard on to the table of questionable cleanliness, as the photo attests.
So what I had was an inaccurately named yet pretty spiffy-looking Blizzard. Now here’s the second letdown…it doesn’t taste that great. Sure, the mix of soft serve and Oreo is good, but the cotton candy flavor is very faint and hard to distinguish. The mysterious blue and black swirls have virtually no taste, and neither do the sprinkles; all that added was some shimmer and sparkle. Essentially what you have is a very colorful Oreo blizzard, which after you get past the top layer is considerably less colorful.
The Zero Gravity Blizzard is like one of those checks you get in the mail for some class action lawsuit about defective jelly beans in which you had no idea you were involved. You can tell from the envelope that it’s a check and perhaps get a little excited, until you open it and see that it’s for $1.21. An unexpected check like that is not bad, but it’s a bit disappointing and not what you had hoped for. Just like the Zero Gravity Blizzard.
Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: Small
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts:: (Small) 670 calories, 26 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 98 grams of carbohydrates, -1 grams of dietary fiber*, 80 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.
*It would seem to defy the laws of mathematics to have -1 grams of fiber, but that’s what it says on the DQ website and the Internet never lies.