REVIEW: Breyers Blasts! Chips Ahoy! Chocolate Chip Cookies

[Apologies if this review is a little disjointed, I’m writing it in the throes of a nasty head cold.  It’s progressed to the point where my white blood cells are marshaling their forces, drawing troops away from unessential functions like “breathing” and “not feeling like shit” to prepare for the final engagement.  If you see another review from me in 10 days or so, they were victorious.  If not, tell all of their mothers that their sons died like men.  Cowardly, impotent men.]
 
A request was made in the comments section of my last review that I tackle some Ben & Jerry’s.  There actually is a new B&J flavor out that I’d love to subject to either a blistering tongue-lashing or an exquisite tongue-… something else; but as I took the liberty of pointing out, Ben & Jerry’s has a billion flavors but never the one you need.  That’s okay, though, because in the midst of my search, I came across this little gem: Breyer’s Blasts! Chips Ahoy! Chocolate Chip Cookies.  (The extra exclamation points stand for flavor and copyright protection, respectively.)  It seems like both a simple and a delicious concept, if not a little derivative.  I picked it up, but couldn’t help wondering if there would really be anything to set it apart from chocolate chip cookie dough.
 
You can call me finicky or demanding or unfathomably sexy or stubborn if you like, but there are certain things I expect from a frozen dairy dessert bearing the name of a popular cookie company, and that’s that it A) be good, and B) taste like cookies, ideally chocolate chip, and even more ideally chocolate chip that won’t make me fat.  Since Chips Ahoy! delivers on nearly all of that (operating under the Schrödinger’s Diet theory that if I don’t step on a scale, I both will and will not have gained any weight), I think we can call it an unqualified success.  But succinct crib notes aren’t why you come to the food blog dubbed “Best Punctuated” by Consumer Reports, so allow me to expand on why this should be your next dessert purchase.

On first glance, Chips Ahoy! looks a lot like Moose Tracks or any other fudge-based frozen dairy dessert you can imagine.  The first bite, however, is enough to tell you that it’s much more than that, as you get hold of a chocolate chip or two.  And those are good, nicely complementing the fudge stripes and giving you a little bit of texture variety.  But what’s even better is when you also get some cookie in there as well.  You won’t in every bite, at least not in equal degrees; some bites will feel like you’re actually eating a soft Chipwich, while others will just have a little hint of cookie dough.  But it’s never completely missing, and that’s what’s important.  Nearly as critical is the fact that the fudge makes its presence known without overwhelming any of the other tastes.
 
You might have noticed that I used the word “soft.”  One thing I worried about with this flavor was that it would have hard chunks of cookies you could practically break your teeth on.  After all, they’re surrounded by freezing cold dairy dessert, not exactly conducive to softness.  But somehow, those sonsabitches down at the Breyers factory made the cookie chunks stay remarkably soft, possibly through the use of chemicals or dark sorcery.  It’s crazy how soft they are, and I’ve read comics where a 5th dimensional imp rides a dog with a mask on its face accompanied by a teenage girl in a red and green dress whose sole function is to prove that Robin isn’t gay.  So I know from crazy.
 
But in the end I don’t particularly care how they do it, just that the cookie veins are both rich and tender.  Like Elvis.  That’s very much the case, and it comes in conjunction with smooth, tasty frozen dairy dessert and fudge that distinguishes itself instead of fading into the background like that kid from Family Matters who vanished between seasons and was never heard from again, unless you watch porn.  (Which I don’t, Mom.)  Man, I need to stop watching so much TV.  My foibles aside, this is some mighty delicious frozen dairy dessert whose sole negative is that it’s, uh, not especially good for you.  Portion control is strongly recommended, but if you’ve got the calories to spare, give this flavor a try.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.)

Other Breyers Blasts! Chips Ahoy! reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Breyers Blasts! Chips Ahoy! Chocolate Chip Cookies
Price: $4.59
Size: 1.5 quart
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surviving the common cold.  Multiple exclamation points.  If you don’t step on the scale, you haven’t gained any weight.  Discernible but not overwhelming fudge.  Surprisingly soft cookies.  Rich frozen dairy dessert.  Most bites have at least some cookie in them.
Cons: Not finding the flavor you need.  Gaining weight if you eventually do step on the scale.  Not exactly a “light” dessert.  A little expensive.  Forgotten child stars.  Bat-Mite, Ace the Bat-Hound, and Bat-Girl.