REVIEW: JT Super Haioku

High-octane fuels are meant for high-performance car engines, so it would seem that the JT Super Haioku (haioku is high-octane in Japanese) is probably meant for super high-performance bodies. What kind of body would be considered “super high-performance?”

I’m pretty sure it’s not yours or mine or those out-of-shape douchebags who seem to think running without a shirt in public is a good idea. A super high-performance body probably has the ability to do things physically that I can only dream of doing, like running a marathon, walking on my hands, touching my toes, making my ears wiggle, or doing those push-ups with the clapping of hands in between each one.

Because my body isn’t a super high-performance one, I didn’t think the JT Super Haioku would make a difference, like filling my Toyota Corolla with premium gasoline or using extra strength No-Doze at a reading of existential poetry from the late 19th century by Ben Stein in a cold room after a turkey dinner. Actually, to be honest, I’m not sure what kind of improved performance I’m supposed to get by drinking the JT Super Haioku. Physical? Mental? Sexual? Financial? Commonsensical? Alphabetical? Phantasmagorical? (Insert word ending in -al here with a question mark at the end.) It probably says something on the bottle about what it helps, but my Japanese reading abilities are as poor as my toe touching abilities.

It does contain Vitamin B1 and taurine, so I assume it’s supposed to provide some kind of energy. However, after drinking an entire bottle, I have to report that it did nothing to improve my performance in anything. No buzz. No increased stamina. No looking both ways before crossing the street. No four-hour erections. No messed up technicolor dreams involving French mimes in a field of tulips.

The JT Super Haioku’s taste was very similar to the Vitalon P Drink I reviewed earlier this year, which tasted like slightly carbonated pure sugar water. Since they both had the same boring taste, I expected it to have about the same amount of sugar, but according to the English nutrition label that’s affixed to the bottle, it contains no sugar. However, the ingredients list, also in English, started off with the sugars fructose and glucose. Another odd item I noticed on the nutritional label was that it said it had no Vitamin C, but the ingredients list contained Vitamin C. With all those inconsistencies, it made me suspicious of the JT Super Haioku.

Maybe it’s not high-octane after all, it’s just regular octane. Or perhaps haioku doesn’t mean “high-octane” and instead means “Yes, you are a sucker and bought a beverage that does nothing for you, but puts money in our pockets. You silly American. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

But my Japanese translation is probably wrong, since my Asian language translation abilities suck just as much as my push-up capabilities.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, and 0% Iron.)

Item: JT Super Haioku
Price: $1.99
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Nijiya Market
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Sweet. Slightly carbonated. It’s Japanese. No high fructose corn syrup.
Cons: Boring. Tastes like pure sugar water. Not high-octane. Inconsistent English nutrition label. My skills in anything. Doesn’t improve performance in anything. Out-of-shape douchebags who seem to think running without a shirt in public is a good idea. Being at a reading of existential poetry from the late 19th century.