If anyone needs help with the ladies, it’s me.
When the best compliment I’ve received about my looks is, “You have nice ears lobes,†I know I’m gonna need a little extra help attracting women. So I turned to a product that claims women will be all over me if I use it, Axe Shower Gel.
They come in a variety of scents: Touch, Essence, Phoenix, and Kilo, which also sound like good party drug nicknames. I chose the Touch scent, because that was the desired effect I wanted with women and it also smelled like the Christian Dior’s cologne Fahrenheit, which I wore during my freshman year in high school to impress my hot 23-year old English teacher.
After taking a jog, I had the opportunity to use the Axe Touch Shower Gel. I poured some into my loofah and began washing my body. (Yeah, I got a loofah. WHAT ABOUT IT? It exfoliates. Yeah, I exfoliate. WHAT ABOUT IT?)
As I washed my body, the scent began to change. It went from the pleasant Christian Dior Fahrenheit musky scent to the unpleasant old man musky smell. It was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde.
The old man smell filled my bathroom and I actually dry heaved once. I quickly rinsed off my body, dried off, sprayed on my favorite cologne, and avoided my bathroom until the smell faded away.
From that experience, I didn’t believe the old man-smelling Axe Touch scent could actually attract young women, but I had to find out the truth. So I needed to find a place where there were many women.
Fortunately, I have a major state university in my backyard, so it was easy finding groups of women. So the next day, I reluctantly took another shower using the Axe Touch Shower Gel and then walked up to campus. My plan was to wait for the classes to end and then walk through one of the busiest walkways.
When classes got out and the walkway filled with students, I swam my way through the crowd, trying to pass as many women as I could. When I ended up at the other end of the walkway, I turned around and went through it again. Unfortunately, both times I didn’t receive any phone numbers, seductive looks, or full-body tackles.
I went home disappointed.
When I got home, I stepped into the bathroom and cried…I mean, washed my face. The old man smell from the Axe Touch Shower Gel still lingered from the shower I took about an hour earlier. I took a deep breath and a lightbulb suddenly went on in my head.
If young women weren’t attracted to the old man smell of the Axe Touch Shower Gel, then maybe I needed to focus my attention to those who might be. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to Catherine Zeta Jones and Anna Nicole Smith terrifies me, because I’m afraid she might sit on me, hug me, or eat me. With those two off my list, I decided to hit on focus on the female AARP segment of my community.
So the next morning I got up at 5:30, took a shower with the Axe Touch Shower Gel, and headed towards the nearest McDonald’s, which is where the old folks here tend to congregate. When I entered the McDonald’s, the place was crawling with people over the age of 60 and had a heavy coffee smell.
I ordered some food and sat in a booth that was next to one that had four older ladies, or as I like to call them, “experienced ladies.†With my back facing towards them, I took the sports section of the newspaper I brought in with me and began to fan myself, pretending I was hot. I hoped that the scent of the Axe Touch Shower Gel would reach the ladies.
As I ate my breakfast, I tried to listen in on their conversation, hoping that they would whisper something about how great I smelled to each other. Unfortunately, the only things they talked about were their last doctor visits, the trip one of them took to Las Vegas, and their grandchildren.
Bah!
After finishing my breakfast, I went home, stepped into the bathroom, cried…I mean, brushed my teeth, went back to sleep, and dreamed of women rubbing my nice ear lobes.
Item: Axe Touch Shower Gel
Purchase Price: $4.39
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Christian Dior’s Fahrenheit cologne while in the bottle, but…(see cons). Cool black bottle. I have nice ear lobes.
Cons: I had a musky old man smell after I took a shower. Doesn’t attract young women or old women. Smell lingers in bathroom for hours. Pricey.
The only “Axe Effect” I get is people telling me I smell like cheap Axe products. Never do the women jump me like the do in the commercials.
False advertising I say. Who’s with me for a multi-million dollar frivolous lawsuit?
Oh, and shower poofs rock.
‘where old folks here tend to conjugate.’
Now you’ve got me picturing all the Q-tips working on their verb tenses while sipping free coffee refills.
Also, that Axe commercial where the babe is bathing a 22-year old in the tub is creepy.
indeed Axe is crap
Lord Jezo – I just want my money back and perhaps a woman who likes me for my personality.
Peggasus – Some of the Q-Tips were working on crosswords and Jumble puzzles, while sipping their free coffee refills. Also, I think some of them were macking. Ew…
Master Foley – Yes, it is, but I have almost a whole bottle of this shower gel left and I have no idea what to do with it. Hmm…
Just say no to Axe. It REEKS!
mmm I like the smell of Axe. My boyfriend wears Kilo and I bought him the Kilo shower gel. I paid $6 for it though!
Hey Marvo…send your shower gel to ME…you already have my address 😛 I’m always looking for a cheap gift for Mr. Aymie’s mom!!!
nat – It reeks bad.
Lorien – Kilo was actually my second choice, but decided on Touch because of the name. Damn you marketing folks! Damn you!
Aymie’s Mom – Actually, I’ve been thinking about using it as the prize for next month’s prize drawing. I wonder how many people would enter the drawing, knowing they’re getting a crappy product? Eh, but if I decided otherwise, it’s yours.
I hate all things Axe…they were giving away free samples of the spray once and I took one home to my husband. He sprayed it and I threw up. Literally.
hey, your earlobes have nice personalities. do they congregate here often?
shannon – Well if I did throw up using it, at least I would’ve been in the shower, so clean up would’ve been easy.
revi – Thank you! “Congregate” was the word I was thinking of. Dammit! Conjugate! WTF? I can’t believe I earned a degree in English.
The same thing happens with Old Spice Shower Gel.
It smells real good in the bottle…once it reaches water it smells
Like a wet dog!
Avoid it at all costs.
I think you should demand a refund for False Advertisement.
Damon – Dude, the Old Spice Shower Gel was the next one I was going to try. Thank goodness for your warning. Well I guess it’s back to the fruity-smelling Suave stuff.
First of all I think it’s darn cool that you have a loofah…afterall everyone needs to exfoliate. 😉
Chana – Removing anything dead is always good.
ah.. i’m still out on the debate on the axe roll-on..
as far as the axe effect goes.. check out http://technicallyme.blogsome.com/2005/03/23/of-virtual-reality-others/
S – I’ve been thinking about trying another scent, all of them can’t smell bad, right? Anyway, thanks for the compliment on your blog.
It’s a shame such a cool-looking bottle holds such a crappy product. I personally like American Crew products…they all smell nice, although the body wash is kind of hard to find. Even though they smell nice, though, it’s never helped me with getting attention from the ladies.
Chuck – I think I tried the American Crew hair gel. Smells nice, but makes me look like I have a really bad case of dandruff.
If you get a chance, try the American Crew pomade, Sport Body Wash, and Sport Shampoo with conditioner. They all smell nice and I use them regularly…and the pomade doesn’t make me look like I have dandruff.
Chuck – I’ll check them out. Thanks for the tip.
I have used the Axe body wash for about a month now, and I must say that I disagree on the scent. It seems ok. I will say, though, that it does not hold it’s scent very long. So I have gone back to spraying on my Armani Gio Cologne over the Axe wash.
Modern Guy – I think if you use the body spray and the deodorant, the smell will last much longer. Although with that much of an aroma coming from you, I think you’re going to create a scent force field.
I wear axe and my wife tends to attack me. but it could be the smell of money im not sure.
Jack – Yes, maybe I need to rub myself down with money before I go out. Yes, a good plan indeed.