They say, “Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”
Oh, really?
Then why do I feel so dirty after having a one night stand with the two-bit pizza from Pizza Hut called The Natural?
Why do I want to huddle in my shower fully clothed, cry like I just accidently killed a man, and let the steady stream of water try to wash away the shame that has stained my soul? If pizza is a lot like sex, then The Natural is like losing your virginity with another virgin because both of you had high hopes for it, but during it you both constantly asked each other if it feels good, and after you’re done, you’re both not really satisfied.
The Natural pizza looked delicious in the box and sounded appetizing with its, “stone-ground multigrain crust made with the goodness of five different whole grains, a rich flavorful sauce made from fresh, vine-ripened tomatoes and topped with fine, all-natural, mozzarella cheese.” But after I finished a slice I realized that this was the Diet Coke of Pizza Hut pizzas — it wasn’t close to being as tasty as the original.
The pepperoni and cheese were the only decent parts of the pizza. What brought down The Natural several notches was its stone-ground multigrain crust, which wasn’t very flavorful. But I guess the crust, with its eight grams of whole grains in each slice, was supposed to be healthy and not tasty. Although, even with all that healthiness, it doesn’t provide more fiber than Pizza Hut’s regular crust. Speaking of things that help you poop, there wasn’t a lot of grease on the pizza, which is great for napkin conservation. Something else there wasn’t a lot of was sauce, which was disappointing because I like the sauce to ooze all over and the cheese to stretch out like I was on the wrong end of a bukkake.
Overall, the crust, lack of sauce, and measly 12-inch size equated to a very bland, mediocre pizza. So thanks to Pizza Hut’s The Natural, I feel like I should edit the saying to say, “Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, you can always get something better after.”
(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 530 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 15% Calcium, and 6% Iron.)
Item: Pizza Hut’s The Natural
Price: $12.99 ($9.99 in most states)
Size: 12 inches
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Eight grams of whole grains in each slice. Pepperoni and cheese were decent. Sex. Being on the right end of a bukkake.
Cons: A very bland, mediocre pizza. Stone-ground multigrain crust wasn’t very flavorful. Not much sauce. About the same amount of calories, fat and sodium as a regular Pizza Hut pizza. Being on the wrong end of a bukkake. Accidently killing a man.
Ew. I know some folks who love this pizza but all I keep thinking is, “It’s from Pizza Hut, how good can it be?” And I also think, if all the ingredients are supposed to be so high quality, and awesome on the natural, then what’s on their regular pizzas?
Y’know, I got one of these as part of an order last week. I had a couple slices of it, then went to town on the Pan Pizza and never looked back. If you’re going to Pizza Hut to get a pizza that’s less awesome than the norm, you at least get what you pay for with those $5 Pizza Mia pizzas. The kinda sweet sauce is nice, although eleven times out of ten, the cheese stops just short of the crust around the thing and leaves you with a solid bite of Sauce Only on every stupid slice.
…On second thought, screw that! Just get a Personal Pan Pizza and some breadsticks! THOSE BREADSTICKS ARE SO GOOD.
I had one of these and thought it was kind of meh also. But you can request extra sauce for free when you order it.
Woah! That JJ guy suggested that pizza to you and it’s in a review less than a day later! You must have posted this late last night, so you probably ordered the pizza immediately after he suggested it. I guess that either A: JJ has voodoo powers and controls your mind somehow; B: You have a super portal that opens up whenever someone suggests something and throws the suggested item into your mouth and forces you to eat it; C: Magic.
referencing bukakke, makes this my favorite post ever!
Pizza Hut pizzas are about half the size they used to be. Those cheap $5 pizzas from little ceasers are much better that PH’s pizzas and thats kinda sad.
Marvo!
Long time reader and fan here!
Wanted to thank you for this review. I am on a strict self-imposed diet and have not had any pizza for a long time. When I saw the commercials for this pizza I thought if I was going to get some pizza it should be this one, since I have had a craving for it and it seems healthy. Of course I felt the same – “Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good….”
Since I do not agree with all your reviews I still want to try this one day but now I can wait…
PS. This is probably how most of the women you meet feel. HA!
PPS. Just kidding! Love you man!
Jeff
The box design tricks me to think this pizza is gonna be covered with crumbled Sun Chips® sun-dried tomatoes and fresh basil, not pepperoni and ooey-gooey, artery-clogging cheese. In fact, I’m even surprised they used Pepperoni instead of just veggies. I mean, if it’s not even going to taste good, at least it should be good for you.
great. now every time i look at pizza i’m gonna visualize a bukkake, wrong or right end be damned. i’d shake my fist in anger, but i’m distracted by wondering why anyone would even try to opt for something of a ‘healthier’ persuasion from pizza hut. i mean…you’re getting pizza hut, you’ve clearly already strayed from the diet. go ahead and order stuffed crust.
I’ve only eaten at a Pizza Hut three times in my life, two of which were actually Pizza Hut Express..es, in either 7-11s or grocery stores. They seem to have fantastic pizza, but I just can’t get it where I am. =\
That said, now I know if I ever do find myself at a Pizza Hut, not to waste this awesome once-in-a-life-time opportunity on trying “The Natural.” Thanks Marvo. 😉
Heidi-
Now that you know my secret, I will have to KILL YOU!
I rather like Pizza Hut (now I must dodge objects that will be hurled at me). It’s a shame this pizza’s crust isn’t better. Multi-grain is generally more flavorful than white flour.
Still, it beats tuna and mayonnaise pizza any day!
I have allways hated PIZZA SLUT
and now you know why bad pizza
dang, and i thought it would taste good. now i dont think i will be trying it :S
-jack
haha, i was gonna try it too, but not after this review. thanks for the heads-up
-jack
JJ–
Nooo! You will never get my hair for your evil voodoo purposes!
@Andrea (Off Her Cork) – They are slowly moving their other pizzas to the all natural side. I guess people really like them.
@maxchain – I could eat those breadsticks morning noon and night and make Dr. Atkins haunt me for my carb abuse.
@Chuck – I shouldn’t have to ask for extra sauce, that shit should be on there like Tupperware.
@Heidi – despite what JJ will say, it was magic.
@sir jorge – I think bukkake is the official word of TIB. I’ve used it several times and Ace has used it once or twice.
@Bunny – I’m not much of a fan of Little Ceasar’s pizza, but damn they are frickin’ cheap.
@Jeff – No, they don’t want to try it someday and wait. They just want to be my friend.
@Pomai – The only way this pizza was going to be healthy was if the pizza box was empty.
@betsy – I think Pizza Hut needs to do something about that stuffed crust, because it’s just cheese. If you’re going to stuff the crust you should stuff it with another pizza.
@NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian – What? Canada’s 7-Elevens have Pizza Huts in them? I am deeply upset by this. America should have those too.
@Orchid64 – Papa John’s > Pizza Hut > Domino’s > Little Ceasar’s > shitty pizzas I make the the toaster oven using french bread rolls, pasta sauce, and Velveeta slices.
@Neil – Sometimes I wish I lived in Chicago or New York so that I could eat real pizza.
@customer ratings/@seattle ratings – Seriously, are you trying to spam TIB? You post two comments with different usernames and then you put a signature at the end of your comments with the same name. That seems quite spammish.
Yeah, most 7-11’s here have either a Pizza Hut or KFC Express in them–I’ve never seen one with a Taco Bell Express though… (KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell are all owned by Pepsico, so… if you license one store, I figure you get all of ’em.)
Accidentally killing a man is bad? But on purpose is still OK, right?
@NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian – I must return to Canada someday and partake in 7-11 Pizza Hut.
@angry bob – As long as it’s not someone I know.
@NobleArc I must return to Canada to partake in another Montreal strip club. DAMN that was fun.
Honestly, I didn’t initially share the complaints. As soon as my Natural arrived, I wolfed down all but the last two slices. I was somewhat grateful for the lesser-greasiness, and the extra cheese I always order delivered well. Maybe the crust was a little mealy, but I wouldn’t have said it was terribly awful by any means.
Once it got cold, however, all the satisfying texture, flavor, and sensation of delicious cold pizza was gone. It was tough to chew. The toppings slid off the crust. Pizza for breakfast definite fail.
First time commment, but your blog is great. Defintely helps me avoid my own impulse buys.
I thought the line that you used to open this entry was a witty line, and until last night I was flipping channels and landed on the 90’s flick “Threesome,” didn’t know it was from a movie. Yes the name drew me in, and that scene was only a few minutes later, until I realized the plot and I jumped ship.
Some crappy movies like that are my impulse, and my god I’ve wasted too many hours on some real turds.