I hate to admit this, but I have a terrible fear of Starbucks.
I don’t know if it’s because of my fear of standing in long lines of grouchy people who could explode at any moment unless they get their caffeine fix or because of the urban legend that says, “For every thirteen Starbucks coffees sold, somewhere around the world a new Starbucks shop will unfold. Starbucks will continue to grow wherever there is a sign that says ‘For Lease.’ Starbucks will continue to grow until it can no longer increase.”
So instead of Starbucks, I end up at Jamba Juice, with its brightly colored decor, which makes you feel like you’re either inside of a rainbow, in an Old Navy advertisement, or you’ve been staring at a tie-dye shirt for too long.
I believe the unofficial slogan of Jamba Juice is, “All of the same prices and weird cup size names as Starbucks, but without the coffee-smelling farts.”
During my most recent trip to Jamba Juice, I noticed that they were offering their holiday flavors, Orange Cherry Cheer and Mighty Cherry Charger.
I picked up an Orange Cherry Cheer, with its cherries, freshly-squeezed orange juice, orange sherbet, soymilk and nonfat frozen yogurt. I decided to get it because I felt the brightly colored decor of the Jamba Juice didn’t make me cheery enough.
Also, in order to get in touch with my feminine side, I added a Femme Boost to my smoothie, which according to the Jamba Juice website:
Jamba’s Femme Boost combines folic acid to support a healthy nervous system, calcium for strong bones, iron for healthy blood, magnesium to support a healthy heartbeat, and hormone-balancing herbs & extracts to keep you cheery all year long. As an added bonus, soy isoflavones are blended in to support reproductive health and comfort, especially during and after menopause. So power up with Jamba’s Femme Boost and let your girl power prevail!
You go girl! I am woman, hear me roar! All the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. All the honeys who makin’ money, throw your hands up at me. All the mommas who profit dollas, throw your hands up at me. All the ladies who truly feel me, throw your hands up at me.
Girl power!
The first thing I noticed about the Orange Cherry Cheer was the fact that it had more orange than cherry, but it had more cherry than cheer. Even with the hormone-balancing herbs & extracts in the Femme Boost, I still didn’t feel very cheery.
Maybe I wasn’t so cheery because I was picking chunks of cherry seeds off of my tongue much like how I would probably have to pick off pubic hair after going down on a hairy Hungarian hooker.
Despite the chunks of cherry seeds, I liked the taste of the Orange Cherry Cheer, it was kind of Orange Julius-ish. (I dare you to say Julius-ish five times in a row really fast.) Plus, no coffee-smelling farts.
(Editor’s Note: Here are a couple of things you can do to have fun with Jamba Juice employees. (1) When ordering, talk REALLY fast and be very fidgety, then ask if you can add an Energy Boost to your purchase, and then say, “I’ve been feeling really sluggish today.” (2) When the cashier asks you for your name, use different names every time. Mix it up. Use names of the opposite sex. Use foreign names. Use names with more than five syllables. Use names without any vowels. Be creative.)
Item: Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer
Purchase Price: $4.55 (Original Size)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Orangy. Telling the Jamba Juice employee that your name is Rico Suave. No coffee-smelling farts. Femme Boost helped me get in touch with my feminine side.
Cons: Not so cheery. Chunks of cherry seeds. Weird cup size names. Starbucks will soon swallow the Earth.
i don’t see how orange cherry cheer and mighty cheer charger are holiday flavours. i wasn’t too enamoured by jamba when i went to l.a., tasted a lot like orange julius which is less hyped up.
would like to see your take on freaky holiday sodas like the jones soda holiday edition. i know, it’s not new as it was last year but i think you would have fun trying out the flavours… unless you already did it last year.
Marvo,
You should never go down on a Hungarian hooker! Thanks for the vivid description – I felt like I was there…against my will of course!
Honey, I’m throwing something up at you, but it ain’t my hands. (Hint: It has something to do with the pubic hair comment. *gag*)
I agree with Orange Cherry isn’t very festive. Let me know when they have Eggnog, Fruitcake and Turkey and Gravy flavors.
Now Marvo, that Hungarian Hooker line was something I really didn’t need to read right after breakfast, but it was still funny. I think your advice about giving fake names could be useful at Radio Shack also, although in that case you can add a weird-sounding fake address also. Nice choice on the Femme boost. You go, girl!
It’s very comforting to me to know I am not the only person afraid of Starbucks. I go in there and freeze up because I know I am messing up the system!
Sigh. I used to live in a town with a Jamba Juice. Then it went away for a local company which made smoothies but was not nearly as good.
Then I moved out of that town. There is a good smoothie place here, but again, not as good as Jamba Juice.
I would kill someone for a Jamba Juice.
I had Jamba Juice once. It was ok, I got the Green Tea Power something something… yea yea I forget the name. Anyways, like I said, it was ok. However, after you linking the cherry seeds to a hungarian hooker’s pubes…. I fear I may never enter Jamba Juice again!!! Thanks Marvo, Really….Thanks! 😉 haha…
PS – I HEART Starbucks!
Some of us have names that screw people up without pretending. That’s always fun. I rate the place that take names on how well they do with mine, “excellent” being “only one or two letters off” and “execrable” being “not even in the same solar system. Starbucks, you will be happy to note, was execrable. Still, I’m not sure I’ll be able to enjoy a Jamba Juice again without the hooker imagery. Ewwwwwwwwww.
Why would you pay to go down on a hooker? At least pay an extra $10 to find one with better hygiene. What would be a more fun name to give would be the name of the person right before you, or the name of the cashier (if they wear name tags).
Anyway, no doubt you have noticed that wherever there is a Jamba Juice, there is a Starbucks nearby. I have seen at least 30 Jamba Juices and there is always a Starbucks around.
Never been to this place, always went to Smoothie king or Orange Juilus. Always been a coffee person myself.
Don’t you get your balls revoked if you say”Girl power!”?
I’d hope that you wouldn’t go down on a hooker if you payed for he/she/tranny. Shouldn’t he/she/tranny pay you for that service?
Menards has reeses cookies (18 pack) on sale for $1.58. Don’t know if Hawaii has Menards, doubt it. (Menards = home improvment chain, has some food and knick nacks too)
Still can’t find Kit Kat coffee. Been looking everywhere. grrr….
Yea, the last two ¶ are off topic. And fuck off Grammer Nazis.
😀
Yea yea, i’m leaving. Triple-posts are bad, I know. But if wordpress would add a “edit comment” function.
Marvo, good thing yer not watchin’ yer girlish figger… 310 calories in the “Sixteen,” 450 in the “Original” and a whoppin’ 620 “i could eat 6 Boca Burgers for one of these drinks” calories in the “Power” size 30 freakin’ ouncer. Whoooooooooooo! I don’t “count carbs” but in the biggee, there are 118 grams of sugar. Hellllllllooooooooooooo carbo buzz/high (and inevitable crash). Cheers!
DELICIOUS!!!
Oh man, I need to go get some jamba juice!
and some boca burgers!
I’ll be so healthy my body won’t know what to do!
it usually only gets cheetoes!
*drool*
Now that you’ve gotten the femme boost, will you be stripping more or less?
Mmmmm….Starbucks mocha….. perfect in the morning….hairy hooker….Ahhhh! Now I’ve got the two connected. My tongue will be furry every time I drink a mocha – nooooooo!
On the other hand, if the hooker pays me to go down on her I could afford more Starbucks. Decisions, decisions.
God forbid someday Starbucks and Jamba Juice join forces to…Corner the over-priced beverage market, and then the Universe!
They refuse to make a Jamba Juice here. I used to get one before work when I was in Honolulu. Oh how I miss it so.
wyn – I believe it is the redness of cherries that make them holiday flavors. That’s how they’re promoting it on their website. As for the Jones holiday soda, I tried to get the Thanksgiving ones last year, but they were sold out on their website. Then I tried eBay, but I wasn’t willing to pay over $50 plus shipping for it. Who knows, maybe this year I will try to purchase some over eBay.
Sasha_Kitty – Yeah, I guess I would either need a tongue condom or a dental dam if I did do that.
Mir – Oh, I hope it’s not pubic hair…Or a hairball.
Webmiztris – Don’t forget the beet flavored smoothie!
Chuck – I don’t think I’m very good at coming up with fake addresses. Too many things to consider, like the street number. Do I use 69? Or do I use 666? Then the name of the street. Do I call it 69 Position Street? Or do I call it 666 Devil’s Pass?
Sharon – Baristas scare me. 🙁
Jobetta – I still would kill for a Target. Heh. Heh. Target. Kill. I would need a target to kill for a Target. Heh, that’s ironic. On second thought, my logic was lame.
Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – I think I know why your Green Tea Power something something was okay. It wasn’t made with love.
Genny from the Burbs – Just don’t get any Jamba Juice smoothies with seeds or with hookers.
klew – Why would I pay to go down on a hooker? I believe I should always grease the engine before taking it out for a spin. Anyway, I have noticed that wherever there’s a Jamba Juice, a Starbucks is nearby. It’s like Starbucks is the Ivy League educated aunt who wears Ann Taylor and takes trips to Europe, while Jamba Juice is the aunt who wears the loud matching Hawaiian print blouse and shorts and takes trips that allow her to collect magnets from National Parks.
Muneer – Honestly, I should’ve gotten my balls revoked when someone took a picture of me with a bra on. Sorry, I don’t have a Menards here. Hey, does anyone call Menards, “Retards?” Just checking. As for the Kit Kat Coffee, I haven’t seen those in awhile. You might want to check eBay.
Karen – But isn’t sugar from fruit different than the cocaine-looking stuff? I believe our bodies process those differently. I could be wrong. Actually, the likelihood of me being wrong is pretty good, since I have only have an English degree.
KT – Because I got the Femme Boost, I will probably be stripping more and shaking my ass more, because apparently women love to dance, and average sized Asian boys don’t.
Perkins – Actually, I think going down on a hooker will only get you a discount and most likely herpes.
Larry – But imagine…No more long lines at the Starbucks.
Gia on Guam – You could make your own bootleg Jamba Juice, except call it Giamba Guice.
i miss having places like this around. i am baffled by you not liking starbucks. i was SO thrilled to be in berlin last week and get to have a starbucks coffee, or as a friend who was also on the trip calls it, “heaven in a cup”. the things you miss when you go without them for over a year…
Er….since when do cherries have “seeds” ? (pits, yes, seeds? um…)
“You could make your own bootleg Jamba Juice, except call it Giamba Guice.”
Very bad thoughts…all kinds of health regulations broken.
megan – I don’t think I should say anything more about Starbucks, because Starbucks might be watching me. 🙁
A reader – You’re probably right, and “…picking cherry pits, like I was picking pubic hair” has a nice alliteration.
Gia on Guam – Health regulations can’t be broken unless you get caught.
I don’t see how cherry=cheer…or jamba juice for that matter. The colors are frightening. Perhaps it should be the orange cheery jeer?
probsteh – Getting three cherries in a row on a slot machines bring cheer.
Just when I thought the hairy hooker visual was bad enough, you just had to go and make it worse:
“Why would I pay to go down on a hooker? I believe I should always grease the engine before taking it out for a spin. ”
BLORF.
Toni – Don’t blame me, blame my creative writing class professor. 😉
you think standing in line at starbucks is bad..try working the counter!!
BooBoo – I hope I never have to experience that, because I can only say “Grande” and “Venti” so many times before I go insane.