(Editor’s Note: To understand today’s review, you should be familiar with the MTV show Pimp My Ride. If you aren’t, read about it here, then read the review.)
(Marvo enters West Coast Customs.)
Xzibit: Check this out. When I first saw your razor, Marvo, I wanted to dispose of your disposable razor because it looked like it couldn’t even shave the mustache off of a Russian female weightlifter on steroids. It had only two blades that looked as sharp as a butter knives. Plus, it had that lame blue and seafoam paint job. But the fellas at West Coast Customs turned your butter knife into a samurai sword. Check out your new razor.
(Pulls curtain off of new razor.)
Marvo: OH SNAP! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY, MAN! That can’t be my razor!
(Marvo jumps on Xzibit, accidently scratching Xzibit’s face with his beard)
Xzibit: Yo, Grizzly Adams! Get off of me!
(West Coast Customs crew clap and cheer.)
Q: Wassup, Marvo. Now the first thing you probably notice about your new razor is the color. We had to get rid of that wack blue and seafoam paint job because it looked depressing. So we hooked you up with a copper and silver paint job, but as you can also see, we put on a lot of chrome.
Marvo: Awww, hell yeah! Now that’s whut I’m talkin’ ’bout!
Q: You’ve got a chrome handle and a chrome neck, so you can always check yourself to see how good you’re looking.
Xzibit: Or see if you’ve got anything between your teeth. Heh, heh.
Q: We also put on some ground effects to make your razor look sleek. It’s easy to detach the ground effects from your razor. Also, if you look underneath the ground effects there’s room for extra razor cartridges.
Marvo: Damn!
Q: Now remember how your razor had just two blades that couldn’t put a dent into the dense hairy legs of a mountain hippie. We solved that by taking out your two lame blades and replacing them with FIVE smaller and thinner blades.
Marvo: No way! FIVE BLADES! How did you guys do that?
Xzibit: Ancient Chinese secret. Heh, heh.
Q: Also, you know how sometimes it’s hard to even out your sideburns. Well we added a sixth blade on the top of the razor’s head to help you maintain your sideburns. So incase you want to be Elvis, you’ve got the Precision Trimmer to help you.
Xzibit: (Impersonating Elvis) Thank you. Thank you very much.
Q: Now Mad Mike’s gonna show you all the crazy electronics we put in your razor.
Mad Mike: Hey, Marvo. Press that copper button right there.
(Marvo presses button.)
Marvo: OH SNAP! It’s vibrating.
Mad Mike: That vibrating is actually gentle micro-pulses which will help you get a closer shave by stimulating your hair.
Xzibit: It vibrates? So I guess guys AND girls will like your razor. Heh, heh.
Mad Mike: To make it vibrate we put a battery in your razor. It’s even got a indicator that tells you when your battery is running low.
Marvo: A battery!?! No way, dawg! That’s insane.
Xzibit: Now there’s one last thing I want to give you. Because it costs and arm and a leg to buy replacement cartridges for your new razor, I’m going to give you a set of extra razor cartridges.
Marvo: Thanks Xzibit, and thanks West Coast Customs, you guys did an awesome job, but now I have to take this razor for a test spin.
Xzibit: Well dawg, you’ve officially been pimped.
(Marvo heads back home in his beat down Ford Pinto. He pulls up to his apartment where his friends are waiting. Marvo shows them his pimped razor. His friends go wild.)
Random Friend: Oh my god! It vibrates!
Random Friend Who Is Pretending To Be Marvo’s Friend Because He Wanted To Be On TV: There’s FIVE BLADES! Oh, I can’t wait for the six blade razor.
Sasquatch: Oh man, I TOTALLY need one of those!
Marvo: Man, getting my razor pimped was the best thing that has ever happened to me, even better than that time I saw John Ritter at our local shopping center. Although, it took some time getting used to my pimped razor because the head of the razor is so big. The Precision Trimmer totally helped with maintaining my sideburns. I definitely think I got a closer and more comfortable shave than with my old blue and seafoam razor, but I think the shaving job was just as good as my other razor. Maybe with my clean shaven face, the women will starts to notice me.
Marvo: Thanks MTV for Pimpin’ My Razor.
Item: Gillette Fusion Power
Purchase Price: $9.94
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Close and comfortable shave. Just as good as my Gillette M3Power Nitro. Totally pimped our razor. Shiny. Five frickin’ blades. Precision Trimmer is helpful with sideburns. It frickin’ vibrates. Low battery light indicator. Shower safe.
Cons: Big razor head took some time getting used to. Not backwards compatible with Mach3 cartridges. New cartridges cost an arm and a leg, around $14 for only FOUR of them.
Mmmmmm… smooth like a baby’s bottom! (I think I just called you a buttface. Sorry.)
At one point in time it was just a little joke:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930
dude this has to be the best review yet
love the PMR-style
I think I must be getting old…I had never heard of this show prior to your review. Of course, I have an ultra-pimped electric razor myself (Norelco) so maybe I’m being fashionably modern without trying.
That was awesome. I need to have a cigarette now. Seriously, the voice was dead on.
What about the matching shaving gel, Marvo? For the full experience, SURELY you want to use the fusion gel, too? All right, for Christmas I got an electric razor that I love, so no more blades. Besides, I once again state my fear of razor blades that vibrate. I still just have this horrible image of slicing my face to ribbons with one of those. It looks cool, though.
You’re the second person this week that made a spoof on pimp my ride. First i saw pimp my golfcart, then this. What has the world come to?? 5 blades? Y not 16?
Does the battery make it very heavy and unwieldy?
I hate to say it, but if they ever come out with the pink and girly version, I’m so there. I’m sorry, Schick Quattro for Her, but I’ll drop you like a bad habit for a 5-blader.
Whats next?! A razor that does the shaving on its own?!
I need someone to pimp my razor too, I have the Venus Vibrance.
I dunno…I’m wary of any razor with vibrating abilities. Do you really want 5 blades vibrating on your face ?
Damn, I thought $5 for 4 carts on my Quattro was expensive. Not too much facial hair on me though.
Now you need MTV to come and Pinp My (your) Blog. Wonder what it would look like. Hot tub in the back seat? 50″ plasma? (I think that is as big as they ever went)
There’s a show on CMT called “Trick My Truck.” It’s a complete ripoff of “Pimp My Ride.” What’s next, a Food Network show called “Mack My Macaroni”??
BWUAAHAAHAAA!! Man, I fuggin l-o-v-e that show!
You missed one, though:
Pro: Xzibit.
Duh.
Loved the before and after shots. I just got this razor with out the Power as I was worried like everyone else about 5 blades of vibrating power on my legs!
Good to know Sasquatch speaks English. And hangs out at your house.
Mir – Oh, don’t worry. I’m used to being called buttface.
Lord Jezo – I’ll be laughing when someone gets to eight blades. Or when some company comes up with the greatest one blade razor ever.
Master Foley – Thanks. I like it too. I also like the review where I’m talking to Hitler about pears.
Chuck – But is your ultra-pimped razor colored copper and chrome? That’s totally pimpin’.
Lizzy – This is the result of watching a little more MTV than I should. I’ll probably do a Cribs-like review next.
Pel – I tried looking for the matching shaving gel and aftershave gel, but none of the stores carried it. But the stores did have lots and lots of $14 Fusion Power replacement cartridges.
Lucy – Shhhh! Don’t give them ideas!!! They might actually do it!!!
AmberLB – Actually, the battery gives it a nice solid feel. It’s definitely not unwieldy. But I’m used to razors with batteries in them, since I’ve been using another vibrating razor for the past few months.
Mandy – I say within six months, you’ll have your wish granted. I really hope your wish is granted, because I wouldn’t mind reviewing it.
Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Ooh, like a Roomba!!! That would totally rock!!!
Toni – It’s better than five bees vibrating on my face…You know Flintstones-style.
Muneer – You lucky bastard! I wish I didn’t have a lot of facial hair. Anyway, I definitely need my blog pimped. This design is getting old.
rfduck – I’d watch Mack My Macaroni. I bet it would be better than MTV’s Date My Mom.
Damasta – I love that show too, but there hasn’t been a new episode for a while.
Sasha_Kitty – Blade jugglers throwing knives around my legs is scary. Five blades shaving…Not so much.
klew – It’s cool having Sasquatch over, but with his body odor, I don’t like him hanging around too much. I tried giving him deodorant, but all he did was just eat it.
Yeah im too much of a cheap bastard to pay that much for the extra cartriges…I’m concerned that companies are going overboard with the number of blades attatched to stuff, someone will loose a chunk of chin and then all hell with break loose.
For the Super Bowl ad, Gilette should’ve just had their CEO come on and say “Yo, Schick! Five blades, bitch. … What? Six blades? oh! oh! oh! Well lookie here! One more on the back!”
5…well, 6 blades. I really don’t know what to say to that. I guess I’m still waiting for em to just come out with a tiny lawn mower for your face, I suppose…
dude, your talent awes me… your reviews are the BEST!
and finally something to shave through this beaver forest of mine….LOL
KIDDING! 🙂
Totally dead-on voice! I just wonder how people can stand to have something that is pointy *and* vibrates near their skin, though.
I can’t believe CMT has that show…well, yes I can, actually. That’s insane.
I always love your reviews, but this is among the best!
long time no see
I am one of those weirdos who don’t watch TV and so I have never seen this show. The Wikipedia link helped me understand this phenomenon… thanks!
And awwwww.. John Ritter… so sad :o(
This razor sounds sharp 🙂 Heh.
Nicki – I feel sorry for the people who have to be the prototype testers for these razors. You know Gillette probably had to go through several of them and some poor dude had to test them.
gko – I imagine in the near future there will be a razor called the Schick Smooth with seven blades.
Andy – I like to think the Norelco razors are like tiny lawnmowers, except instead of having one blade, it has three blades.
Webmiztris – I’d use this razor to shave my face, but I don’t know about using it around my twig and berries.
CrackerLilo – This review is the result of watching too many Pimp My Ride marathons.
Taikog – Yes, long time no see. It sucks being adults.
Karen – No MTV? I use it to remind me of how uncool I am.
Although “Trick My Truck” is a rip off of “Pimp my Ride”, I think it really hold’s it’s own. I’ve never seen PMR do a wood floor, fireplace or queen size bed…but TMT has!
anything that vibrates has to be good 😀
Gia on Guam – Actually, (I’m such a nerd) PMR did do a bamboo floor for the back of a yoga instructor’s jeep with a flip up monitor. But no fireplace or queen-size bed.
Laina – I would think a vibrating fork would suck if you’re trying to eat. 😉
OMG – seriously, that was amazing! Best review ever! (And I must say, I’m really partial to the Dentyne Fire.) But now you’ve really got me expecting big things. Like Impulsive Buy the Musical on Ice (you might want to consider looking outside the US for the female cast, unless you want them falling down…).
Emily – Being that I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I don’t think Impulsive Buy: The Musical on Ice will happen. Impulsive Buy: The Musical Water Show, perhaps. Or Impulsive Buy: Moulin Rouge. Or The Impulsive Buy Does Dallas.
I actually held a danceoff between my old M3 Nitro and my new Fusion to see which one could do a complete vibration-aided 360 on a countertop faster, and whadaya know??? The Fusion completely defecates upon all razors in all ways, even its brethren. Let me know if you want to see video of the competition.
Derrick – You have video of that? Sure, I’d love to see it. If you can, email it to me at theimpulsivebuy at gmail dot com.