The Shopping Cart #5

Marvo Reviews

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to all the readers who participated in yesterday’s Vote To Torture Me Election. The results were very surprising and in a landslide vote, you readers chose to save my ears and save my soul. So I won’t be reviewing K-Fed’s attempt to take over Vanilla Ice’s reign as the biggest rap poser/wannabe ever. Thank you.)

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Eating That Possibly Tastes Like The Rotting Crushed Corpses of Gingerbread Men


At the slow rate of deliciousness these Lucerne Limited Edition Yogurts are going, I believe in 2010, they will be so delicious that little old ladies will either steal them from your shopping cart, violently fart in the yogurt section to prevent you from getting close to it, or assault you with their walkers at Safeway for them.

But right now they suck.

The other week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Chai Latte Light Yogurt and it made me gag hard. Although not as much as I did watching the video of Anna Nicole Smith giving birth via C-section on YouTube (Warning NSFW and NSFTWHMGW*).

This week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt, which had a slightly better spicy taste than the Chai Latte version…very slightly. It tasted somewhat similar to the Chai Latte version, but this time it didn’t make me do any pubic-hair-stuck-in-my-throat gagging.

It was decent enough for me to be able to finish an entire cup of it, which I couldn’t even come close to doing with the previous limited edition flavor. But I would not eat another one unless someone forced me to choose between eating another Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt or watching the Anna Nicole Smith C-section video.

*Not Safe For Those Who Hate Money Grubbing Whores

21 thoughts to “The Shopping Cart #5”

  1. FIRST! Hehe, I’ve always wanted to do that in a blog 🙂

    Sorry we couldn’t save your eyes from the Anna Nicole video as well.

  2. Alright, why do you keep eating them? Have you had any flavor from Lucerne that was worth a damn? The chai was fetid. The gingerbread was undead. The eggnog is no doubt demonic. Isn’t there some point that you just have to leave well enough alone and give up on a product line entirely? I tease because I love, I know you’re just taking one for the team for us and I thank you!

    Is there really a video of the C-section? Horror just got a brand new name if so…

  3. You’ll notice that I refuse to click your links to the most horrorfying things that you link to (notably the Chicken Noodle Soup song and the Anna Nicole C-Section video). That’s what you are here for right? To take the nasty stuff on so we don’t have to? I just cannot have that kind of thing floating around in my already tainted mind.

  5. Look at the picture on the carton. Doesn’t it just scream rotting gingerbread corpses? Truth in advertising, hooray! When I right my first true-crime novel, it will be called “Gingerbread Corpse.”

    I’ve never seen this brand on my grocery store shelves. Maybe all the Lucerne yogurt is shipped to the Pacific as a public health measure for the rest of us?

  8. I was surprised at the amount of love for you Marvo; saving you from that torture.
    However, it still would have been uber funny to read your review. 😛

    P.S. Why would ANYONE take cute little ginger bread cookies and CRUSH them into yogurt?? They’re MURDERERS!

    P.S.S. I love the front of the yogurt… “Gingerbread with other natural flavors.” Since when the hell is gingerbread a natural flavor?? Someone show me the gingerbread tree, I’d pick a few off of it.

  10. Gingerbread yogurt doesn’t sound so bad to me, actually. This brand does. I think you should just write off this Lucerne stuff as genuinely nasty and never try it again.

    I used to like that cow on the label, but now I think he’s just mocking people for eating his shitty product.

  11. “rotting corpses of gingerbread men”….in some weird sick way, that made me instantly think of WoW.

  13. Dammit, why didn’t I catch up on blog reading BEFORE I bought the chai latte and gingerbread flavors?! I even bought two of each in case my wife wanted to try them. She wisely declined, and I was left alone in my horror!

    The chai latte is SLIGHTLY better with chocolate syrup, though.

  14. That video is nasty. Why did anyone ever even think about videotaping such a thing? And why is Anna Nicole the way she is? So many questions.

  15. Work prevented me from voting… but no way in hell would I wanted you to be forced to listen to Fed-Ex for our amusement. But thank you, anyway *g*

  16. Toni – That’s okay about the Anna Nicole video, I just wanted others to suffer with me.

    L’il E – The regular yogurt flavors are fine, but these limited edition flavor are the problem children.

    Chuck – As Rachael Ray would say, “Yum-O!”

    Wednesday – That’s all write. 😉

    jenn – A world without yogurt!

    Heather Feather – Sadly gingerbread people are second third tenth class citizens.

    Webmiztris – I’m waiting for Orange Julius flavor or armpit. Oh wait, the Chai Latte was the armpit flavor.

  17. Brie – Actually, the regular flavors (fruit flavors) taste fine. It’s these “exotic” flavors that aren’t so hot.

    dramastically – WoW on the brain, eh?

    cybele – I believe in 2010 there will also be a hemp brown sugar pomegranate yogurt that you can eat with your mind.

    Meredith – Chocolate syrup makes everything a little better, even me.

    Melanie – It’s all about the Benjamins, baby!

    Diana – We’ll all just have to wait for the Sean Preston album review in 2010.

  18. How much a cup? Did you buy it at the regular grocery store, or was it at Whole Foods or Trader Joes or something?

    Never heard of the brand.

  20. aw dammit- i mean, good for you, ya got to these foist. i bought them (and took the pix) but hadn’t gotten around to trying them yet. not that i had high expectations. and now, even lower after your fine review

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