REVIEW: Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn

What is Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn?

Somewhere in the world, a withered monkey’s paw has lowered a finger.

Okay, fess up.

Which one of you wished for new candy?

I can only assume that’s how this product came to be because Brach’s has introduced a product no one could have honestly wanted: Turkey Dinner Candy Corn.

How is it?

Green Beans

It took me a while to put my finger on what these taste like because it’s not like any green bean I’ve ever tasted. Yet, there’s a certain noxious quality that’s familiar. Then it hit me. These taste spoiled. My only explanation is that whoever is responsible for this grew up eating canned green beans that had been boiled to mush and then left on the stovetop for too long.

Roast Turkey

Oh, wow! This really tastes like turkey! That’s a terrible thing for candy to taste like! Everything about this is off-putting. Even the yellow top of the candy corn reminds of the scummy fat that rises to the top of turkey drippings. I applaud the food scientists for managing to nail the flavor of a turkey dinner’s centerpiece, but wish they would use their skills for good rather than evil.

Cranberry Sauce

These taste generically fruity, but lack specific cranberry flavor and tartness. They wouldn’t be out of place in any other assortment of fruity candy, but fail to add to the turkey dinner theme.

Ginger Glazed Carrots

These are delightfully accurate recreations of their namesake. There’s real sweet carrot flavor with a spicy ginger bite. If you don’t like carrots or ginger, you won’t like them, but they’ll be a favorite for glazed carrot fans.

Sweet Potato Pie

These don’t taste anything like sweet potato pie, but they taste exactly like maple syrup. Given some of the other flavors’ awfulness, I’m going to count my blessings, not ask too many questions, and quickly move on.

Stuffing

I had no idea how the folks at Brach’s would replicate a savory side dish in a candy form. And it turns out neither did they because this one just tastes weird. There’s perhaps a toasted bread and herb note, but the sugary sweetness overwhelms any savory characteristic and results in a muddled mess.

Anything else you need to know?

A common trope in old sci-fi is the notion of having an entire meal in pill form, which always seemed odd to me. Who would rather swallow a pill than eat real food? Then, Silicon Valley introduced Soylent to the world because eat was getting in the way of productivity.

So, here’s my theory: some techbro was annoyed at getting yanked out his coding flow state to have Thanksgiving with his family, found a monkey’s paw, and then wished for some festive way to fulfill familial obligations as efficiently as possible.

It’s candy, so it’s fun! It’s also possible to eat by the handful, so it’s also very efficient! All the better for getting back to coding that dystopian facial recognition algorithm as quickly as possible.

Conclusion:

Despite some truly horrific flavors, I must admit I come away impressed by Brach’s ability to offer the full cornucopia of Thanksgiving experiences in one bag. From the disgusting dish your younger cousin brings (Hush, everyone. He tried.) to the unexciting but crowd-pleasing favorites that Grandma faithfully delivers and the standout that everyone looks forward to every year, Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn replicates the highs and lows of a Thanksgiving with family.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 12 oz bag
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (15 pieces) 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar including 23 grams added sugar, and 0 gram of protein.