Whenever I want to get in touch with my feminine side, I like to dip my body in a tub of Nair to get rid of all my body hair, rinse off and slip into something comfortable, preferably something silky, in either pink or purple, and with a white lace trim. The smoothness of the silk feels good on my skin, while the white lace provides a little bit of scratchiness, but both providing sort of a balance of pleasure and pain.
I’ll light warm vanilla scented candles around my bed, put some lavender body lotion all over and paint my nails either Steamy Red, Goth Purple or Pink Passion. Then I’ll lay on my bed with more silky and lace pillows than I have fingers. While I allow the nail polish to dry, I’ll pick up a Harlequin romance novel and read it from cover to cover, giggling every time the word “manhood” is used.
Then I’ll watch a marathon of The Facts of Life episodes on DVD, watching Blair’s spoiled tendencies, Natalie’s fun-loving ways, Tootie’s nosiness, Jo’s tomboyishness and Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. After the marathon I’ll enjoy a glass of red wine, while I prepare a light, yet delicious, meal from one of my Martha Stewart cookbooks with the Lifetime Channel playing the background.
After I’ve enjoyed my meal and cried a little from the movie that was playing on the Lifetime Channel, I’ll relax in the comfort of a warm bubble bath with another glass of red wine and a CD of ambient sounds playing.
As I sit in the bath, a mud face mask helps clear my facial pores and soaks up the toxins coming from them. Cucumbers are placed over my eyes to help deflate their puffiness. I take in deep breaths, hold them for a moment and then exhale.
After I step out of the bubble bath and rinse everything off, I’ll fart, burp and scratch my balls to return to my manly self.
As you can see, I do quite a number of things when I want to get in touch with my feminine side. But sometimes I want a quick way to bring out the X chromosomes in me, but I haven’t found anything to do that.
Recently, my twin sister picked up for me the new Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel for me to review, thanks to a coupon I gave her, which allowed her to pick up a free Wild Honeysuckle product when she spent ten dollars or more. I hoped that using it would help bring out the inner woman in me faster than my usual routine.
I’ve been using it for the past week and I have to say that its sweet floral scent is definitely not meant for dudes, like some other Bath & Body Works products are. However, let me just say if a woman had the Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel’s sweet floral fragrance originating from her body she would smell so good that I would totally fuc…
(Editor’s Note: Sixteen paragraphs have been removed due to their extremely explicit XXX sexual content. They definitely weren’t fit for TIB reader consumption, although from those sixteen paragraphs many of you would’ve learned something new you could’ve used when making hard, sweaty lovin’.)
Okay, I guess the Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel won’t let me get in touch with my feminine side. Instead it does the carnal opposite, which I think is good for me, but bad for the woman I’m in bed with. I imagine it’s sort of like what Elizabeth Dole goes through when Bob Dole takes his Viagra.
Item: Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel
Price: FREE (Retails for $9.50)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Smells awesome on a woman and I would fuc…(Editor’s Note: Three sentences have been deleted due to their explicit sexual content). Sweet floral smell is really nice. Getting in touch with my feminine side. Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. Silk on my skin.
Cons: Its scent is not meant for dudes. Pricey for shower gel, but isn’t most stuff from B&BW expensive when not on sale. The use of the word “manhood” in Harlequin romance novels.
Forget about the soap, Marvo has a twin sister!
Yanno Marvo, I check your site about thirty times a day, each time looking for a new review. Recently, I’ve been clicking over hoping that I won’t have to, yet again, confront that sordid little picture of what you claim are nachos. Little did I know that instead of vomit on chips, today I’d be looking at a missive from your inner femmebot. Which frightens me…somewhat…because–
Well, first let me say that your review is, as all your reviews are, fabulous, darling. Fabulous. I certainly won’t be buying anything that makes me smell like a cheap hooker–but that’s not because your review isn’t persuasive.
Really though, I’m mostly disappointed at how quickly you abandoned your manhood when offered a coupon for a cheap, floral-scented bath product. Sad. It’s a sad day, Marvo. For me I mean.
Why?
Because I can no longer consider you to be my imaginary internet boyfriend. With a heavy heart, I hereby discontinue my cyberstalking of you, Marvo.
Now will you please be so kind as to drop your lawsuit.
Thank you.
–PW
P.S. Call me, okay??
Let’s see…getting in touch with my feminine side…hmmm…I dunno. I did pick out the flooring and blinds when I bought a new house…that’s about the closest I can think of, recently.
When I want a blend of pleasure and pain I just pick up a bag of habanero jerky.
Lord Jezo – What? Doesn’t everyone have a twin sister? I thought everyone did.
Product Whore – There are a lot of things I will do as a quasi-product review blogger. Coupons are one of them. Sorry to disappoint. Stalk you later!
Chuck – Don’t lie, you’ve watched the WE Network. 🙂
I feel cheated. 16 paragraphs should be a review all it’s own.
o_o i just bought that same stuff today at the mall. mm, it does smell good. and – you in pink with white lace trim? heh heh, i’d like to see that…
Gosh Marvo, you know more about how to be woman than I do. I can only imagine what 16 paragraphs have – like the “beginning” thought – and henceforth will look for Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel at Bath & Body Works.
Wait a minute…we’ve been gypped out of 16 paragraphs of Marvo doing his own version of sex-ed?
Tease.
Marvo – WE Network, no. Lifetime Channel, yes.
lol i love when you do B&BW reviews. they are always a good laugh! thanks for the review!
lol i love when you do B&BW reviews. they are always a good laugh! thanks for the review! i might try this to ease my metrosexual side.
You should share the 16 paragraphs with the ladies – those that are really into you will switch body wash. Eliminate some of the guess work.
What if you do the 16 pages in pig latin? Iay ucfayed erhay ithway odybay ashway…..
Or maybe a nice disclaimer for the minors?
Come one, Marvo- bring it!!
Geez, your feminine side is about 30 times girlier than I am at any given time of day! 😮
But I’m totally gonna have to pick some of this up! It’s usually $4.50 at my B&BW and if it’s not, I’ll fill a smaller bottle with it as a “sample”.
My first purchase due to a TIB review.
I’ll also pick up a harlequin romance. 😀
luckinflux – I think there are some readers out there that couldn’t handle all 16 paragraphs, because it would totally blow their minds. They would be like, “Huh? I didn’t think that was possible!”
Tamara – It smells damn good! If making love to a bottle wasn’t wrong, I totally would with the B&BW Wild Honeysuckle bottle.
Gwen – Those 16 paragraphs were totally crazy. The first sentence itself had the power to cause anyone to get excited.
Brie – Those 16 paragraphs are so raunchy, that even if you’re an adult, you would still need parental consent to read it.
Chuck – OH, THANK GOODNESS!!!
Hunter – Dude, this shower gel is not meant for dudes, including metrosexuals and gay men. Way too floral.
Clevegal42 – Unfortunately, this scent has the power to make me do things to Paris Hilton that’s she’s never done on video before. Yes, I would do Paris Hilton, if she had this scent on. As long as I wore a complete body condom and Paris didn’t open her mouth, everything would be all right.
Jessica – Even in pig latin, those 16 paragraphs are way too dirty, even for Penthouse Letters.
KT – When you pick up your Harlequin romance novel, pick up the one with the drawing of the woman being held in the guy’s arms on the cover. 🙂
Mmmm, Lifetime. Nothing makes me feel more like a woman than a made for tv movie about domestic violence and eating disorders.
I demand those 16 paragraphs…Or the next Monday night premiere will be A Blogger Broken: The Natalialovesit Story
still wondering where I can read the unedited version….
*tapping foot*
I totally feel unfeminine now……..
I’ve NEVER been that girly in my life, I think I may need to get back in touch with myself.
Oh and that stuff does smell good, and I would totally buy it but I hate smelling like frickin flowers all day.
B & BW stuff is fantastic, but I don’t buy it anymore. It lost favor with me when I found out the co. is all part of Les Wexner’s vast retail conglomerate of overpriced stores: Abercrombie, Victoria’s Secret, Express, The Limited, Hollister, etc. I know it’s good ole American capitalism, but their stuff is MALL CRAP!
Can you just email me those missing paragraphs? Because, really, I pay good money for those sort of books, and why should I pay for the cow when I can get the milk for free? Or… something. That made sense in my head.
Natalia – I can’t publish those paragraphs, because I think many people can’t handle it. But one paragraph does involve lots of oil.
Webmiztris – Maybe someday I’ll publish the unedited version, but right now I’m trying to be unbanned in China.
Barb – I wouldn’t mind a woman smelling like that all day. Better smelling like flowers than smelling like a combination of coffee, cigarettes and stripper.
nat – Oh, if I could use names in Scrabble, the name Wexner would rock. Mmm…Victoria’s Secret.
Melanie – You read books with raunchy explicit sex tales? What Borders are you shopping at? 🙂
Ew. Bob Dole and Viagra. That won’t leave my dirty little mind for a long, long time! I’m having a hard time reading your blog now that I’ve been on Kwaj for awhile. I can’t get any of the stuff :*(. Or maybe I could just skip real fast over the food reviews. M’mm food.
bloggers choice awards!
you are up for one!
http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/categories/10?page=15
even if i am the only one who has voted for you so far…
http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/4276
TCWH – Um, well I guess I could review a banana or a coconut for you.
threechordme – Thanks for voting, but I’m not much of a blog awards kind of guy.
can’t we at least see ONE of the 16 hot and steamy paragraphs!!?!!??
Ummm . . .what?
OK who wrote that and what did you do with Marvo?
miss petite america – Um, I don’t think that’s wise, because you will definitely need a cold shower WHILE reading that paragraph and the last time I checked, water and computers don’t mix.
ultradave – Hey, every so often I need to do that. I need a good cry sometimes.