The new Wrigley’s 5 gum is being marketed to teens, young adults and anyone else who looks like they belong in the audience for MTV’s TRL.
I’m sure Wrigley’s is hoping that this new sugar-free gum becomes a trend among this valuable age demographic, but I don’t think their public relations people, who sent me three boxes of Wrigley’s 5 gum to review, realized that sending me those samples will probably kill any chance of it becoming popular, because I’m the Grim Reaper when it comes to trends. When I use or do something that’s considered trendy, popular or cool, I unintentionally kill it with my scythe of uncoolness.
It’s like when William Hung sings a song, he ruins it forever. I can’t dance to the Ricky Martin song “She Bangs” anymore because of him.
Speaking of dancing, I have stopped the popularity of so many dance moves that I am not allowed to be on or around a dance floor. I killed the Macarena, The Bangles “Walk Like An Egyptian” dance, Riverdancing, the Electric Slide and whatever that dance Flavor Flav does in Public Enemy music videos.
There was supposed to be a third Breakin’ breakdancing movie called Breakin’ 3: Pop and Lock With Me, but that was cancelled thanks to me and my attempts to do the Worm.
Sure, trends aren’t meant to last forever, but I have the ability to give them an earlier death than the trend hoped for, which helps ensure them a place in a future VH1 retrospective special. You’d think someone out there would thank me for this curse, especially those who used to wear fanny packs or clothing that came in neon fluorescent colors and those who drank Zima, but I haven’t gotten a thank you card or an A&E Biography about me.
So by chewing the Wrigley’s 5 gum I’ve already made it uncool, much like how I killed the phrase, “Fo’ shizzle, ma nizzle” and ruined the Rachel hairstyle made popular by Jennifer Aniston during her Friends days. I probably even ruined the product’s marketing slogan, “5 is the new black,” even though I’m not quite sure what it means. To be honest, its name sounds like something very random that was either pulled out of a hat or pointed to on a refrigerator with a magnetic poetry kit by someone who was blindfolded or an extremely inebriated Britney Spears.
Each pack of Wrigley’s 5 gum has 15 sticks and there are only three flavors: Cobalt, Rain and Flare, which is “cool speak” for peppermint, spearmint and cinnamon, and is now no longer cool because I mentioned it. Its slim, black packaging looks trendy and fits well in the front pocket of my jeans, but because I think it’s trendy, it’s no longer trendy.
If you’ve had any spearmint, peppermint or cinnamon gum from Wrigley’s, you probably won’t notice much of a difference with the Wrigley’s 5. It’s like listening to the Nickelback songs “How You Remind Me” and “Someday.” The intensity of each flavor isn’t as strong as their regular Wrigley’s counterparts, but each stick lasted surprisingly long, like a piece of Extra gum.
Overall, Wrigley’s 5 gum is good, but doesn’t seem like it’s anything innovative.
Although, all of that doesn’t really matter since I already killed any chance of it being popular by chewing it. It’s much like how I stopped the spread of Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star shoes, Starter jackets, the 7-Up “Up Yours” green t-shirts, Slap bracelets, acid washed jeans, Where’s Waldo? books, Members Only jackets, and Techno music.
Item: Wrigley’s 5 Gum
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice people at a PR firm
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like other peppermint, spearmint or cinnamon gum from Wrigley’s, you’ll probably like these. 15 sticks of gum. Nice packaging and its slim shape makes it easier to slip in my jeans front pocket. Long lasting flavor. Stopping the popularity of fanny packs, bright florescent clothes and Zima.
Cons: Not anything innovative. Product name seems kind of random. My ability to kill trends. No A&E Biography about me. Acid washed jeans. An extremely inebriated Britney Spears, because you might end up married to her.
Marvo, if you could start listening to Gangsta Rap and make it uncool, myself and the world will owe you a huge debt of gratitude.
Nice packaging for sticks of gum.
Would you please review or wear a pair of Heelys so we could have that trend killed. Really appreciate you doing that. My efforts to stick my foot out when a child ridin’ the heel gets me frowns from the ‘rents.
But why is it called ‘5’? That’s what I really want to know.
Also, has gum suddenly become really expensive? It is one of those things that I can’t justify paying more than a dollar for, so I have to wait for it to go on sale. Jeez, I now sound really old. “You kids have it good! In our day we had to walk to the store to get gum!”
I’m not sure if I should be happy or afraid that our reviews agreed with each other. Either way, thanks for the link love.
Brian
Why is it called 5? Because that’s the rating they wanted from you?
(Thank you for stopping the Macarena.)
Wow, that packaging is überhip.
Oh – so you are the bastard that killed all the trends? I was always the one that never got into the trends until they were about 5 minutes from ending so then I looked like a dork. Thanks a lot Marvo.
Oh – and I’m also pissed that you didn’t end the Macarena sooner because that was the one trend I got on time. Bastard.
“Cobalt,” “Rain,” and “Flare?” Those names are ridiculous. Apparently, eating things that sound like actual food is not trendy. (This hypocrisy brought to you by a person whose favorite gum flavor is “Arctic Ice.”)
Those packages look so fancy, like a movie poster or something.
Um, I don’t think you’ve killed the fanny pack phase because I know some people who still use them for working out because she’s, I mean they’re too lazy to buy a work out bag.
just can’t beat Dentyne Ice “Arctic Chill”
But Marvo, you are your own brand of cool! Don’t ever let the bastards get you down! So…how about another booze review? I’m thinking gin, unless you’re not into that, in which case I will generously allow you to pick your own poison. Or even the recent “Hawaii Five-0” DVD release. I’m easy (yes, I am, particularly in the presence of gin and/or H50). Hey, these are just suggestions! And thanks for all the fun.
But…there are only three flavors.
Why is it called 5? D: This confuses me.
But thank you for stopping techno music. It was starting to get annoying.
It’s like one day, I’ll wheel my cart up to the cashier, glance at the impulse buy items and won’t recognize any of them. My youth is as fleeting as the marketing teams coming up with this crap.
i had so many slap bracelets. my whole forearm was covered sometimes i bet.
i am also confused about the 5? i think the packaging is cheesey too… but maybe that is just me?
Maybe you’re supposed to chew five pieces at the same time.
Sara: I love to give Arctic Chill to unsuspecting people!!
I also used to tried hurt people with Slap Bracelets. Does that make me mean? ;p
who would chew gum in a black package? it looks like condums, reminds me of the coneheads. i take u out and bring u home what is there something wrong with me?
weird, they look like packs of cigarettes. did you try smoking them? maybe “5” is the magic numbers you have to smoke to catch a buzz.
I like all the new cool gum choices out there, but why’s it all have to be so expensive?
Chuck – But I like some Gangsta rap, like NWA.
Domokun – I think that trend will die on its own when some kid falls and seriously injures his or herself, causing the parents to sue the company. Also, I don’t think they make Heelys in a size big enough for my feet.
Abi Jones – Brian at Candy Addict says it’s because it can be felt using all of our five senses. Gum has become expensive, but still reasonable. It’s not like buying gas during the summer months. Wrigley’s still has 30 cent packs that have five sticks.
Brian – Be afraid. Be very afraid.
cybele – For only one billion dollars, a 5 rating can be bought from me. 😉
LordJezo – You using the umlaut is also cool.
Clevegal42 – I’m sorry, but I can’t time these things, they just happen.
Carrie – When I think of cobalt, I think of the Chevy Cobalt. When I think of rain, I think of Korean pop star Rain. When I think of flare, I think of a police drunk driver checkout point.
Brie – Wait. What? I haven’t completely killed off the fanny pack? I must find one and kill the trend entirely.
Sara – Hmm…There’s an Arctic Ice. An Arctic Chill. Where’s the Arctic Glacier That Will Be Gone In About a Decade Due to Global Warming? Oh, I guess that would be too long to fit on the packaging.
Kiki – I do have a bottle of Grey Goose pear vodka in my freezer and I’ve been trying to find Michelob Ultra fruit infused beers. I’m easy too…when I’m drunk.
Katie – Yeah, techno sometimes gave me a headache because it was the same beat over and over again.
Buffy – I’m waiting for Coke Milk and Tyson Whole Wheat Bread.
stephanie – Sometimes during recess I would spend the whole time slapping the slap bracelet on my wrist over and over again…It felt so good.
Sep – No…I am no longer putting more gum in my mouth than I should.
Angel H. – Only if you were trying to slap it around their necks.
db cooper – They would make good condom boxes. I think I shall keep my boxes, stick condoms in them, and never use them.
webmiztris – If I had a lighter somewhere I just might’ve tried to light them. They do some with their own foil rolling papers.
Marvo: I’m pleading the 5th.
Angel H. – You know, people only plead the 5th when they’re guilty.
“whatever that dance Flavor Flav does in Public Enemy music videos.”
I always assumed he was having a seizure. Or possibly that he suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome. Who knew he was dancing?
Skythe? Is that from your word-of-the-day toilet paper?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scythe
When I first saw the photo of the packs I truly thought they were boxes of condoms… thats exactly what they look like to me!
And the names? “Flare,†“Rain,†and “Cobalt  definitly names for different types of condoms! Although I’m not sure I’d want to try the “Flare” kind, just doesn’t seem right some how.. I’d be worried it would burst.
Robert – Maybe it was hard for him to really dance because of the huge clock around his neck.
StandardStunt99 – Can’t be, since I wipe my ass with dollar bills.
JoF – Hmm…Speaking of condoms, I haven’t done a condom review in awhile.