Kid Cuisine is the only nationally sold frozen dinner brand that is marketed towards, and most likely made by, latchkey children. It’s only fitting that a person like me with the attention span of a child would review one of its meals. You can never accuse Ace of not loving the kiddies.
Wait, that came out wrong. I meant to say that I love making young children happy…(fuck! Abort! Abort!). Damn it, you know what I mean.
Kid Cuisine was on ultra-clearance at the local supermarket. At about a third of their regular price, I couldn’t help but be curious enough to pick a few boxes up. Most people would see this as a bad sign of things to come, but not me. This is mainly because I’m an idiot, but I also had the thought that perhaps these meals were so good that it would be a crime to keep them on the shelves. I mean…the penguin looks like it’s having so much fun swinging on the jungle vine. Sure, it’s absurd, but is it any more ridiculous than a movie about surfing penguins? This is the stuff I think about as the meal heats up.
Hunger and low self-esteem are a great combination for frozen dinners, so I was actually anticipating its arrival out of the microwave. Unfortunately, the meal is not fantastic fare. Even as far as processed chicken nuggets go, these rank pretty low on the ladder. These are the chicken nuggets that other chicken nuggets beat up on the playground.
The fact that they feel the need to take on the form insects is obviously a case of severe overcompensation. By the time they come out of their microwave cocoon, they are dry and flavorless. I guess all is not bad, though. Mothers can find solace in the fact that the chicken is real “white chicken breast nuggets” and none of that filler crap. Never mind the fact that it’s shaped like a fucking butterfly — as all natural and wholesome foods are.
I would bet everything I own that there was a frozen food convention some years back where it was decided that macaroni and cheese had to be 95% water and 5% soggy mealworms. Kid Cuisine does their best to conform to the standards and offers up a meager helping of the orange and runny mess that they insist is pasta. Iron Chef Mario Batali must be rolling over in his grave. Well, he’s not actually dead yet, but judging from his expanding beltline I’m banking on this review being accurate within the next 10 years.
Kid Cuisine meals are never complete without one or two hilariously gimmicky ideas that are used to make the meal fun. Only Kid Cuisine can try and make ketchup cool, and they do their best by putting it in a sealed plastic pouch that is supposed to be used for nugget decoration. People…IT’S A FUCKING KETCHUP PACKET.
How they managed to pitch this idea as a selling point is beyond me, but I guess that’s why I’m not making six figures a year doing marketing. It’s almost as gimmicky as if they released Michael Jackson onto the reality show Kid Nation and let the pieces fall where they may. Along with the ketchup, some bug-shaped gummy snacks are included to ensure that the children learn how to ingest insects at an early age.
The best thing I can say about Kid Cuisine is that they appear to have good intentions. They keep me sane because they don’t spell their name Kid Kwizine. They have mazes and other games for kids on the boxes. Until their penguin becomes a sexually suggestive Bratz-like mascot, and you better believe this will happen, they deserve to be commended. Just not on their food.
Item: Kid Cuisine Bug Safari Nuggets
Price: 2 for $1.67
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Kids will probably like it. Edible even though it’s not the greatest. Fun and wholesome mascot that apparently encourages dangerous physical activity.
Cons: Bland and dry nuggets. Passing off a ketchup packet as a cool treat. Encouraging children to eat insects. Michael Jackson on Kid Nation. Bratz.
I believe Micheal Jackson on Kid Nation would be considered entrapment.
I wonder how these would sell if they included real, deep-fried insects as a side dish. My guess is that their popularity with boys might increase. Of course, then you’d be less likely to find a good deal on them at the store.
I’m really surprised at least it has “all white breast meat” … at least.
I used to eat Kid Cuisines when I was a …kid.
I think I’ve had every kid-marketed frozen dinner.
…dear god.
…horror.
WHY ARE THEY SHAPED LIKE INSECTS?
Also, what’s with the fruit gummi stuff? That’s usually the space reserved for a “brownie.” WHERE’S MAH BROWNIE?!
Thats a penguin? It looks like a black and white duck…
I think you should also put under cons that children are not supposed to eat too much preprocessed frozen food. I don’t think this stuff can be too healthy.
Not to sound dumb, but the dessert gets microwaved, too? How do overheated gummy worms/bears/insects taste, anyway?
Michael Jackson on Kid Nation? If that were true, I’d be glued to the TV, Ace.
My kid eats these. Okay, I feed them to her, but I swear she loves them. Better than fast food and a quick, easy fix when you don’t have the time/energy/ingredients for a “real” meal.
My sister and I *loved* these when we were kids. We also enjoyed other equally fine cuisine such as fish sticks and Kraft macaroni and cheese.
Oh man. One of my sorority sisters stole a case of Cheese Pizza Kid Cuisines from the local grocery once. I have to admit that I loved the chocolate pudding, and could at least enjoy the pizza during drunken nights (or mornings).
We also would take thermoses of mixed drinks to the library with Lunchables (that were stolen by the same girl)…it helped get us through the night.
Do you have to take the gummies out first, or do you hope to get a big, gummy square? I’m with Karen, I wants brownie, not gummy squirm.
Marvo – For the Jackson and the kids both.
Chuck – Those insect-lollipops are surprisingly expensive, but they would make a good addition as well. Except for the ones with tequila, I might have to keep those.
Melonie – I guess it could be worse. Dark breast meat would be a bit more alarming.
Robyn – Oddly enough, Kid Cuisine meals were always more expensive than Banquet meals and I had to watch them from afar as if they were ambrosia. As years have past, the illusion has been broken and now I see them for what they really are. Nuggets shaped like insects. Brownieless. Loveless.
Karen – His name is K.C. Penguin, but he really does look like a duck, doesn’t he? Maybe all that exercise did his body some good. Or the artists suck. One of those two.
Marko – I guess it would be foolish to assume that a thimble of corn would offset the effects of the rest of the meal. But you have to let the kiddies splurge once in a while.
Brie – You’re supposed to leave the packet of gummies and the ketchup outside to thaw when you’re heating the meal. However, I became impatient and tossed them into the microwave afterwards. Superheated gummies are awesome when they’re not melting your mouth off.
courtney – Indeed, kids love food that is “fun” and “interactive”. This has to be the only explanation for the success of Lunchable tacos.
esteefyou – I happen to enjoy microwaved fish sticks dipped in ketchup. I don’t think I have any excuse for giving anything a low rating.
lulubo – I don’t know what’s more hardcore, stealing kids’ food or boozing in the library – but they’re both hawt.
demondoll – You take them out beforehand, but you leave microwave them if nuked gummies strike your fancy. Luckily for me, I always have a box of brownies handy so I don’t have to get them in my meals.
Ketchup on nuggets? Barf!
Ace can you babysit this weekend? hahaha
Chicken nuggets are definitely better with a sauce, not ketchup. I prefer honey-mustard but kids would probably like sweet-and-sour or barbecue.
Aimee – I hope the kids like binge drinking and college football.
Karen – Hey…I like sweet-and-sour and barbecue sauce. It doesn’t make me any less of a man…(does it)?
i’ve eaten those kid cuisines before. that packaging draws me right in. must be all those bright colors. lol but yeah, they taste pretty darn bad… 🙂