The night started off innocently enough. But then again, so did OJ Simpson’s acting career. I looked in the mirror and declared that I would stay cool. You don’t want to do anything crazy at a Halloween party. You never know what can happen once you get going. Or what you will buy.
After hitting the dance floor, I soon found myself with a cute girl in a skimpy tiger costume. After adjusting her beer goggles with a few drinks, I decided to try out a few of my patented moves. I went for the Wisconsin Bulldog and the Orange Creamsicle, but had my hand knocked away when I went for the Magic Bullet. I briefly thought to myself, “Does enjoying this make me a furry?†but then proceeded to get my groove on. I soon realized that I dance the same way I make love…very, very awkwardly.
One thing led to another and I ended up in her place with a massive hangover. I had no idea about what had gone on since we were last on the dance floor.
“Did we…did we do it?†I asked, hoping that I totally did it with her.
“Uhh…no,” she said. “Don’t you remember? You said you’d rather go shopping for food. Kept mumbling something about becoming god of all internet reviewers and the dancing queen.â€
“Well, that does sound like something I’d do,” I remarked. “But then why am I naked and handcuffed to the bed?â€
“I’m not sure, I left you alone after we came back,” she answered.
Hmm…she had a point. That is how I sleep every night. But I wish she hadn’t seen me like this. After I freed myself, I figured that I might as well raid the fridge. I needed something substantial to keep my head from throbbing. What I found was more than I was prepared to handle…
“Oh…my…god…What the fuck is this?!†I asked.
“I don’t know, I think you bought it,†she replied.
I stared at the box and slowly shook my head. Son of a bitch, I even hate myself when I’m on a drunken food purchase binge! I either secretly want to kill myself or have become such a diabolical genius that I went insane. This bowl was by far the scariest thing I had seen all weekend.
It was an unholy bowl of bacon, eggs, potatoes, and cheese — all mixed together so you can eat it like the failure that Jimmy Dean thinks you are. Did I mention that there’s a lot of fucking bacon in this thing? There’s like a ridiculous, enough-salt-to-melt-an-iceberg amount? I couldn’t really imagine ingesting it, but I didn’t have many options. It was either this or some ramen flavor packets that she had saved up. Seeing as it is Halloween season, I figured that I had a duty to myself and for the fine readers to indulge my morbid curiosity.
This bowl has no practical reason for existing other than as a product of a dare at some marketing department, so I tried to alleviate my fears by thinking the situation through. I’m sure it had to be quality tested. Some tasters actually had to survive long enough to give this thing the thumbs up. And at a mere 8 ounces, it didn’t seem like much of a meal. It couldn’t make me feel that bad, right? This was all before realizing that it would be healthier if I ate a tub of Crisco.
I eventually got around to microwaving this bad boy and watched it rotate for the full 3 minutes. By minute two, the air had been permeated by the nauseating scent of grease and cheese. I opened the plastic film to take in the beauty of the bowl’s contents. Oh, did I say beauty? I meant brain-exploding hideousness. The cheese had ceased to resemble anything appetizing and clung to the eggs like melted plastic. The potatoes had the glossy shine of a mint condition baseball card. The eggs were essentially pieces of yellow Styrofoam tossed together with chopped bacon.
This is the breakfast that 8-year-old children cook for their mothers’ birthdays. They fumble around in the kitchen, throw everything together, and then microwave the shit out of it so they can serve breakfast in bed. The mom will take two bites and make an exaggerated “mmm…†sound while vigorously rubbing her stomach. The child will then run off and laugh as she proceeds to dump the contents of the bowl in a trash can and begins to manually induce vomiting.
I tried a few bites. It was strange, but it wasn’t completely awful. Salty, greasy, and stiff, but still kind of edible. I’ve probably had worse breakfasts. I’m not sure why I’d pay $2.99 for this when I could have a small, possibly mentally challenged child make me the same thing at a fraction of the cost. As I was trying to justify my purchase, however, I started to wonder why I was suddenly nauseous.
The back of the box had my answer. Hmm…33 grams of fat, 1490 mg of sodium, 132% of my daily cholesterol allowance. Why don’t they include a complimentary vial of poison while they’re at it? And why exactly is an individual serving of a meal allowed to exceed 100% of something that can kill me? Well, at least it has 2 grams of fiber so I can stay regular after I collapse face first as I suffer a heart attack trying to walk down at set of stairs at school. Maybe I’ll wake up naked in a hospital bed with handcuffs on. That won’t be weird at all.
(Nutritional Facts – 1 Bowl – 520 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 395 mg of cholesterol, 1490mg sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 30 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 25% Calcium, and 15% Iron)
Item: Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Stater Brothers
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not completely inedible. The possibility of getting laid at Halloween parties. When children are thoughtful even when they are incompetent.
Cons: Horrible mixture of horrible-for-you foods. Food gets overcooked and therefore stiff after microwave nuking. Enough cholesterol to kill you 1.32 times in a day. Not getting laid at Halloween parties. Waking up naked with handcuffs and not finding it unusual.
So what did you dress up as? I’m guessing pirate. Or Raggedy Andy. Or some Asian dude.
How big are those bowls anyway? 33 grams of fat? I’d rather have two egg mc muffins. I was Homer Simpson last halloween.
Another great review, Ace. You never fail to make me laugh.
Stay away from Jimmy Dean breakfast bowls – far far away. They are apt to give you a stroke from all the salt or a massive coronary from all the fat. And like you said – it doesn’t even taste good, so you won’t be enjoying your last meal on Earth like you should.
If I’m going to ingest something that has the potential for giving me a heart attack, I at least want it to be tasty. Thanks for the warning!
Well done, best review i have read, i was laughing out loud in my office, no one knows why though
“This is the breakfast that 8-year-old children cook for their mothers’ birthdays” HAH, if only!
I got cereal and some flower, though!
“It was an unholy bowl of bacon, eggs, potatoes, and cheese — all mixed together so you can eat it like the failure that Jimmy Dean thinks you are.”
Damn you Jimmy Dean damn you!!!
I try to do all my grocery shopping drunk. When you wake up the next day it’s like Christmas.
Ace,
Damn funny review! The best from ya so far. I wish I had something funny to say but it’s to damn early here in Seattle. and I can’t thing straight yet.
That picture looks like one of the “Would you rather…?” dares.
Between this and the rollerbites….how are you not dead?
obviously you haven’t heard Jim Gaffigan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P6nwa0dOrk
another great review ace! im going to a party tonight. hopefully no handcuffs when i wake up
Patton Oswalt called…he wants his routine back. Check out his comedy CD “Werewolves and Lollipops” for great stuff. Jim Gaffigan is great as well.
Eggs and microwaves just aren’t meant to be together. If that had been my fridge, I would have tossed the bowl while you tried to free yourself, then made you the real thing. Happy Halloween! I am thinking about going as something furry…..(and not like leftovers in the fridge furry)
Another, amusing and fine review Ace!
I’m sorry, but Jim Gaffigan is not funny. His Hot Pockets routine is supposed to be funny? No. That’s just everyone who’s ever eaten a hot pocket. That said, this is a very funny review.
p.s. luckinflux: represent Seattle! I’m in Hawaii for college right now, but I miss the misty Northwest. Has the gloom set in for you suckers yet?
I think you mean “vial” of poison, although “vile” is certainly approriate for this product as well. Funny review!
Ah, “appropriate.” Thank god for irony, my best and only friend.
Good lord, that is one seriously deadly bowl of…er…vomit?
Awesome review Ace, though now it has tempted me to see if I can survive the death bowl.
Kind of appropriate. The crap in the bowl does look like something you’d upchuck after a night of drinking.
Marvo – I went as “Paul Pierce after he was stabbed 11 times.” I already had the jersey, so it was pretty easy to put together. Wearing the same costume tonight, too. Creativity is not my strong suit.
X – Surprisingly tiny. The picture is of the bowl right out of the microwave and the food doesn’t even reach halfway up.
Terry – Compliments never fail to give me an overinflated sense of self worth, and for that I thank you sincerely.
Tanya – Hey Tanya, I’ve been reading your blog since before I started my old blog. You have always managed to inform and shame me simultaneously, keep up the good work.
Chuck – This is pretty much my philosophy with every meal.
Jon – I don’t want you to get fired, but I must admit it’d be a pretty cool notch in my belt. “Hysterical Laughter from Office Worker Leads to Company’s Demise. Internet Food Critic to Blame?” Hmm…headline needs work.
nat – Mmm…rose flavored cereal.
Susu – Jimmy Dean enjoys nothing more than stopping hearts and slaughtering cows. Sidenote: I have a friend named Susu, I thought she was the only one. This has turned my world upside down.
Karen – Marry me?
luckinflux – Thanks, though now I feel pressure for my next one. Luckily, I write after a good cry and as I’m barely awake. Relieves the tension.
demondoll – Usually the other option includes some form of sodomy, though. It’s bad all around.
ultradave – On the contrary, dave, I’ve never felt more ALIVE.
Frank – When did Jim Gaffigan become the authority on bacon?
meech – Hope you had a good time, meech. Probably not as good as if you got handcuffed, though.
JR – What’s in his routine?
bikerbabeee – Aww…I’ve never felt so simultaneously touched and aroused in my life. Thanks, bikerbabeee, hopefully I meet a girl as sweet as you at tonight’s party. And I’ll ask if she cooks breakfast.
MaliceAlice – Thank you, and I’ve never quite understood the fascination with Gaffigan’s Hot Pocket routine myself. He doesn’t even sing the jingle right!
Greentara – I am ashamed of my error, but also take great pleasure in your own. (Hmm…was that last sentence grammatically correct? Did I spell “grammatically” correctly? Oh god, what’s happening to me?!)
Rhawb – I’m surprised they didn’t repackage it as the “Death Bowl” for Halloween, they really could’ve pushed product.
Sam – I’d say this is in a tie with KFC’s “Chicken and Biscuit Famous Bowl” for “Most Disgusting-Looking Bowls of Food that Ace has ever Reviewed”
It’s times like this that I feel sorry for you when you have to try these things. But it’s all worth the comedic blog to follow, always. 😉 Thanks!
Okay, that was, BY FAR, the funniest review I’ve read of yours, Ace. Great job and congratualtions on surviving the ordeal.
(Quick/odd note: I actually used an Impulsive Buy review to teach the idea of “speaker sources” to an Introduction to Writing class last week. Did you guys ever think you’d be used as an example in a college course? Haha. Keep up the good work)
that looks SOOOO foul…lol!
Ace:
Funny story. Thanks for sharing. Seems to me… your date would have made cooked breakfast for you if you’d have cooked up some lovin’ for her the night before. She probably got the impression you were planning a quick morning getaway since you bought the Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl.
George
your good at this.
Wow. I was expecting a totally glowing review. I’m surprised it tasted that bad.