I just found my summer jam, y’all! New Kids on the Block “Summertime.” I’m going to bump this track in my white 2003 Toyota Corolla LE that only elderly Asian women seem to drive with stock speakers, stock CD player, and my loan paid off on it. HOLLAAA!
It’s better than my previous summer jam, Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick.”
I can’t believe I’m saying a New Kids on the Block song is a good song. Sure, the sweet, sugary, and simple lyrics will make my teeth fall out because some dude is going to punch me in the mouth for playing it too loud. But what do you expect? It’s a boy band pop song, which usually lack metaphors, substance, and the ability to impress women when I’m bumping it in my ride.
It would be easy for me to dismiss the song as typical radio-friendly, boy band crap, and then say I listen to sophisticated music like the rock band The Decemberists, hip-hop artist Aesop Rock, or any other band that you’ve probably never heard of, but that would make me a snobby music asshole. It would also make me a liar, because according to iTunes I have played this really catchy song 34 times since purchasing it on May 13th, and I’m pretty sure I know all the lyrics by now.
With your flip flops, half shirt, short shorts, mini skirt,
Walkin’ on the beach, so pretty,
You wasn’t lookin’ for a man,
When you saw me in the sand,
But you fell for the boy from the city.
As you can tell from the lyrics above, the song is about a girl, duh! What boy band song isn’t? They’re reminiscing about a summer love that happened many years ago when acidwashed jeans were cool and Donnie Wahlberg didn’t have a receding hairline. I like to reflect about old loves as well, but unfortunately when I do, it doesn’t involve writing and singing a song about them. Instead it involves me and my therapist or me and a bottle of vodka, both of which results in me crying and yelling, “You think you’re better than me!” Also, I don’t know about you, but to me, it’s always weird when five guys are singing about one particular girl. It just seems like a musical gangbang with a bukkake of vocals.
The song is not perfect. The first few notes of this little ditty made me think New Kids on the Block was going to break out into a reggae song and it would’ve been nice if there was a little edge to it, like there was with “Hangin’ Tough.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that the song really needed a Donnie Wahlberg rap somewhere. Or even a Marky Mark cameo would’ve been cool. I don’t know if Donnie has the skills to pay the bills when it comes to rhyming anymore, so I wrote some funky fresh lines that could be stuck in between the second and third verses.
Sippin’ on milkshake was how we would spend our time.
Why no alcohol? Because we were too young for wine.
I got to first base, I slid to second, but didn’t go for three.
We didn’t go all the way, because I believed in celibacy.
Now all that are just memories of a summer’s past.
Looking back, I really, really regret not tappin’ yo’ ass.
(Editor’s Note: Relive the 1980s and 1990s with these three NKOTB videos: You Got It (The Right Stuff), Hangin’ Tough, and my personal favorite, Step by Step. Also, to celebrate the NKOTB reunion, I decorated my computer’s desktop for the occasion, which you can see below. That’s right, I’m hardcore.)
Item: New Kids on the Block – Summertime
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Catchy pop song. Acidwashed jeans in the 1980s-1990s. My NKOTB wallpaper and hard drive icons. Paid off my car loan.
Cons: Admitting that I actually like this song and losing any musical cred I had. No Donnie Wahlberg rap. Acidwashed jeans in the 21st century.
I think to prove you’re a real man you should also buy the last K-Fed album and play it right after this one.
Dammit – you are going to force me to go listen to a NKOTB song now. Grrr.
“it’s always weird when five guys are singing about one particular girl. It just seems like a musical gangbang with a bukkake of vocals.”
LMFAO!
when I was 12 I fucking loved NKOTB. Joey was my boy. 🙂
So now I see the demographic that this album is aimed at. Those of us who liked the girls but couldn’t get anywhere with them when NKOTB first came out. Now gonna try to find a NKOTB fan that’s a MILF.
I heard this song this morning.. it makes me sad.
Do they still qualify as a boy band if they are old now?
Why is intermediate school coming back to haunt me??? 90210 remake and now this. This was not a wonderful coming of age time for me. Seriously, I had really bad hair, bad fashion sense and spent all my time in drama club or practicing for quiz bowl (translation: I was not a cool kid)
You are a strong man for giving this a listen and admitting you liked it.
I am going to go wait for another baywatch remake and are if I can find any of my old slap bracelets.
Wow, the audio on that review was amazing. You sound like you should be on NPR or something – which made the whole thing about 200 times better.
marvo. i. love. you.
but not as much as i love jordan knight!
its a load of crap!
“big box meal”!!!
Now Danny’s gonna come after you for making him your Trash bucket.
Mmhmm.
i was going to say — for shame Marvo, but then thought better of it.. I bobbed to TNKOTB in my youth.. and now will have to give them a new shot. you redeemed yourself when you gave me the audio of your lyric “tappin yo ass”
(insert high pitched girly screams here, throw misc. ladies undewear for good measure.)
NKOTB? Really?
If I hadn’t been such a huge NSync & BSB fan, I would be laughing my ass off at you.
And acid wash jeans are still in. They’re just called “vintage” now. And I totally wear them.
weirdo…lol just kidding.
Actually…compared to the other GARBEEGIO that is being touted as music…they can be considered as good. I mean really…saw them on Good Morning America and got excited. Well I was until Jordan started looking at me in a really weird psycho way…he is obviously on something.
I just listened to the audio, dude you sound like David Sedaris.
I love NKOTB – too bad they won’t be coming this way when they launch their tour. I guess I’ve got to book my tickets to the mainland. And like you Marvo, I’ll be updating my desktop and my myspace page to pay homage to the reunion.
Why am I not surprised that you used the words “gangbang” and “bukkake” in this review… I bet you were just waiting to stick it in a review :p
Wow. Gangbang bukkake? You almost owed me a new keyboard there buddy.
I saw them 3 times in concert in 1990. And now I can’t be arsed to even go listen to it, but on your recommendation, I will take a listen.
Chuck – I’m not going to do that, because once I start playing the K-Fed stuff on my iPod, I’m going to pull out a hammer and beat the silicon out of it.
Tanya – I’m not forcing you…you know you want to listen to it.
Webmiztris – When I was 12, my sister loved NKOTB. I secretly danced to NKOTB.
luckinflux – You’re going to have plenty of those to choose from.
Lex – That’s a good point. Should they be called a reunion band or something like that?
Kylie – Actually, slap bracelets are back in style. I kid you not. They’re in stores.
Janette – That was the third microphone I’ve used to record the audio reviews and so far it’s been the best.
miss petite america – Well then…I shall kill Jordan Knight.
Brendababe – Big box meal!!!
Figgy – Come on! If Danny comes after me, I’m going to turn his low voice into a high one.
Bikerbabeee – Yes! Ladies underwear!!!
Brie – Well, do you also have the matching acidwashed denim jacket?
Shannon – No, it’s true.
Erica – No. Jordan was totally looking at me in a really weird psycho way.
luckinflux – I take that as a compliment. I’m glad you didn’t say I sound like Amy Sedaris.
cian – Who knows? They may end up coming here and playing at the Blaisdell. It will be packed with girls, women, and their boyfriends who were dragged to it.
yawnie – I have to ability to stick it in any review, but I must hold back. I don’t want to shoot my load in every review.
Aimee – I hope you didn’t have a bunch of guys bukkake all over it.
Not sure what the reviewer, was listening to , but Donnie does rap on this song, With your flip flops, half shirt, short shorts, mini skirt,
Walkin’ on the beach, so pretty,
You wasn’t lookin’ for a man,
When you saw me in the sand,
But you fell for the boy from the city.
That is Donnie
Wow, after reading this I HAD to listen to it, and I admit I have never heard any of their songs before, but I’m pretty much obsessed with it now.
I love this song and them!I will always love new kids!!!!!!They are the best!!