Author: Ace

Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger

Ace 48 Comments

When The King isn’t watching you sleep or molesting your children, he’s in the corporate test kitchen. He’s probably molesting the chefs too, but what he’s really doing is finding ways to slowly kill you with fat so that he may harvest your organs to pay for the medical bills that come from maintaining that abnormally large head of his. It’s no surprise that he managed to get this gut-busting Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger green-lit.

There’s also a regular Steakhouse Burger that has lettuce and tomatoes, but for entertainment purposes I decided to go with the more gastronomically disgusting Loaded variety. It’s a cubed angus steak (basically chewy ground beef), about ten strips of bacon, A1 Sauce, fried onion strings, and “loaded mashed potatoes on a corn-dusted bun. I use the term “loaded” very loosely because I got a smear of mashed potatoes the size of a pat of butter. “Ripped Off” mashed potatoes would be much more fitting.

Of course, I haven’t even gotten to the insanity inherent in a burger with mashed potatoes as a selling point. KFC already crossed several lines with their Famous Bowls, but the PR people at Burger King took it to another level by trying to sell this burger as “the indulgence of an entire steak dinner at a fraction of the cost.” What they fail to mention is that the steak dinner they are referring to is Banquet’s Salisbury Steak, which is on sale at your local supermarket for 99 cents, ironically a fraction of the $6.99 you’ll be paying for this combo.

Once you get down to it, you’re paying a rather hefty price for a rather meager burger that consists of dry, chewy beef, a pig’s ass worth of bacon, a gentle wipe of mashed potatoes, and some crushed Funyuns. This is the type of burger that you should be absolutely embarrassed to order. It is the type of burger that is only dreamt up by the fattest of all fat people and the stoniest of all stoners. The type of burger that you want to tell your mom about, but are too afraid because she would think you were shooting up heroin with the wrong crowd.

Don’t let The King harvest your organs. Boycott this overpriced monstrosity.

Item: Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger
Price: $6.99 for medium combo
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: A ridiculous yet ballsy concept for a burger. A fun story to tell your friends about after it gets pulled. A1 sauce tastes a little better than Burger King’s barbecue sauce.
Cons: Burger is way smaller than advertised. Almost no mashed potatoes. Onions are nearly non-existent. Angus beefsteak is chewy and flavorless. Horrendously overpriced. The King.

REVIEW: Asian Sensations Chicken Egg Rolls

Ace 15 Comments

Back in 1996, my life was at a crossroads − kind of like that crappy Britney Spears movie, I forget what it’s called. Anyways, it was a crazy time to be living. I had done some experimenting with alcohol and drugs, which was a big deal considering I was eight years old at the time. The only thing that kept me going was my torrid love affair with dance. It was during this time period that I became known as the Asian Sensation.

In those days, political correctness had not yet spread throughout the country. My racially exploitive nickname was simple, catchy, and just as memorable as my jumping splits. Dancing was the only time I felt free. This was mostly because they kept me in a small cage when I wasn’t dancing, but I digress. My upstart career came to an abrupt end when I grotesquely tore my groin muscles right off of the bone. I had not thought about dance since then until I tuned in to the new season of Dancing With the Stars to indulge my irrational man-crush on Adam Carolla.

All of the memories came rushing back to me, filling me with a deep sorrow fueled by the stagnation in my soles. I had to cope with my disappoint the same way that I always do: shopping and eating. It’s one of my many ambiguously feminine traits. To my surprise, I came across egg rolls that shared my former moniker. They were Asian Sensations Chicken Egg Rolls, produced by the probably-not-Asian-but-sounds-Asian-enough-to-be-sort-of-authentic Schwan’s frozen food company. The picture on the box looked appetizing, so I decided to give it a shot.

Once taken out of the box, I was cheered up by the fact that the individually-wrapped egg rolls were fairly substantial. One is big enough to pair with some fried rice for a filling lunch. I threw one in the toaster oven and waited as it cooked, tapping my toes all the while. When it finished, I tore it open to see its innards. It contained cabbage, processed chicken, celery, carrots, and onions, but all I could really see was chicken and cabbage. It was all I could taste too; the vegetables were chopped so fine that all of the texture was lost. Even worse, the indiscernible sauce was annoyingly sweet and added no spice or excitement to the experience. The egg rolls were edible, but certainly not deserving of the Asian Sensation name.

Still feeling kind of down, I visited their website, AsianSensations.com, to see if it might be a porn site of some kind. It is not, but apparently I can win a private concert with singer Julie Roberts. This begs several questions. One − who the hell is Julie Roberts? Two − why is Asian Sensations promoting a white blonde as their big star? And finally − is “private concert” a thinly-veiled euphemism for “hot sexual tryst?”

Either way, none of it adds up and I haven’t been this confused since my high school crush explained that she was “not necessarily un-attracted” to me. Alas, it was another lesson learned: don’t look to egg rolls to solve your life problems.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 egg roll – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 400mg sodium, 20 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Asian Sensations Chicken Egg Rolls
Price: $2.50
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced and fairly big egg rolls. Egg rolls are both microwaveable and oven-able. Being a badass on the dance floor. Possible contest sex with Julie Roberts.
Cons: Flavor is a little to sweet to eat by itself. Vegetables all come together in a soggy mass. Eating away your pain. Tearing groin muscles. Crushes that try to let you down easy but end up destroying your psyche instead.

REVIEW: Red Baron Singles: Pepperoni Deep Dish Mini Pizzas

Ace 17 Comments

With so many new products coming out every month, it’s become very hard to be competitive in the world of frozen pizzas. Creepy weirdo Wolfgang Puck and the fancy folks at California Pizza Kitchen can make shopping for a decent pizza very confusing. You’re already racking your brain wondering how Rachael Ray got her own talk show; you don’t need more queries running through your head.

So when you don’t feel like having peanut butter or bean sprouts on your pizza, you want something hearty, simple, and fattening. That’s where the Red Baron comes in. When he isn’t shooting down pilots during World War I, he’s making cheap frozen pizzas that are made with four foundational ingredients: cheese, dough, sauce, and grease. Pepperoni is often added for flavor. This is the case with these mini deep dish pizzas, which are look like the result of Bagel Bites ingesting a cocktail of steroids and HGH every morning.

Half of the battle with enjoying a frozen pizza is how you cook it. In my lazier days, I would simply microwave the crap out of it and then fry it on a bed of butter and parmesan cheese to crisp up the bottom. It was definitely quicker, but was it really worth the shame spiral that I put myself through? Probably not. The toaster oven is really the best place to heat these up, as you simply throw it in for ten minutes before being rewarded with crispy rounds of pizza goodness.

The box, though, claims that it is microwavable. We all know, however, that microwave pizzas are forever doomed to be disgusting and impossible to heat evenly. The cheese and sauce form a pink blob of sadness as they meld together in unholy matrimony. The cheese on the outside is burnt and the middle of the pizzas are filled with a small pool of water from the uncooked cheese. I’d venture a guess and say that the silver “crisping” trays that come with most microwavable pizzas are made from painted cardboard. This method of cooking is not recommended.

As for the pizzas themselves, they are sufficient for a quick snack and are perfect as an hors d’oeuvre at a hoity-toity sports party. You can even use them to feed your friends who you do not think can eat a regular pizza without smearing toppings all over your furniture. They are easy to eat and have those delectable cubes of pepperoni in order to ensure that every bite is filled with that greasy and salty flavor that America has fallen in love with.

Just don’t be expecting a Chicago deep dish where the majority of the pizza is toppings. These pizzas are mostly crust, so those of you who love your toppings and sauce might want to steer clear. Overall, it’s a cheap and filling pizza product that’s easy to make. You may not be getting any organic toppings or a message about some type of fair trade, but you’ll probably be too stuffed to care.

(Nutritional Facts – 4 pizzas – 470 calories, 26 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg of cholesterol, 980mg sodium, 43 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 4% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, and 15% Iron)

Item: Red Baron Singles: Pepperoni Deep Dish Mini Pizzas
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cubed pepperoni and ergonomic design makes for easy eating. Very quick to crisp up in the toaster oven. Can be served on a fancy tray with other bite-sized appetizers.
Cons: Mostly crust. Come out terribly in the microwave. Shopping for frozen pizzas can be confusing. Frying a microwaved pizza in order to crisp it up.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake

Ace 24 Comments

In perhaps the most random pairing since Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme in the horrible action flick Double Team, Carl’s Jr. and Cap’n Crunch have come together to deliver an ice cream shake that can satisfy any dairy craving. But why Cap’n Crunch? Is he not one of the lamest of all cereal mascots? Is the Lucky Charms leprechaun strung out on acid? Has the Trix rabbit finally ended his agony by murdering all the children that have tormented him?

I would hope not, but it is a rather curious choice. Cap’n Crunch has been laying low for the past several years, presumably shamed by the negative media attention he has received. First, his cereal was accused of cutting the roofs of people’s mouths, then Chris Rock compares him to Michael Jackson. His last appearance was a cameo on Family Guy where we discover that he had put a hit out on Count Chocula for spreading the mouth laceration rumor.

Whatever the reason for his disappearance, the Cap’n is back in milkshake form. After I tasted the ultra-thick shake, I realized why Cap’n Crunch is surprisingly delicious, especially when it’s blended and you don’t have to eat it in fear. You get a shake that is mostly ice cream and topped with a good amount of whipped cream. This is essential for me because I like to do that sexy tongue thing with the whipped cream, making this a perfect date dessert.

However, you probably won’t be able to enjoy this as you’re commuting. The cereal bits can easily clog the straw and make consumption-on-the-go pretty much impossible. Ask for a spoon if you’re planning on enjoying it. Even without the cereal, it’s still too thick to suck down.

That’s what she said.

Another downside is that even though it doesn’t taste ridiculously sweet, this thing is packed with 79 grams of sugar. It also has 35 grams of fat, a fact that Jared from Subway is sure to be shoving in your face during his next commercial. It’s probably a good idea to split this one, seeing as it has enough fat and sugar to kill a small child. It would be a pleasant and painless death, but one that the Cap’n probably wouldn’t want to be held liable for.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Shake – 740 calories, 35 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 100 mg of cholesterol, 320mg sodium, 94 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 79 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake
Price: FREE from the Carl’s Jr. PR peeps (retails for $3.09)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Blended cereal and ice cream taste surprisingly good together. Won’t cut the roof of your mouth. Even with all the sugar, doesn’t taste too sweet. That sexy thing I do with whipped cream.
Cons: Cap’n Crunch is a pretty lame mascot. The movie Double Team. Jared from Subway’s condescending attitude. Nearly impossible to drink through the straw. Enough fat and sugar to kill small children.

Pringles Extreme Screamin’ Dill Pickle

Ace 28 Comments

Pringles Extreme Screamin' Dill Pickle

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in an M.C. Escher painting, running through endless corridors of waterfalls and weird shit only to end up in the same place. This might be because I browse the shopping aisles after taking a tab of acid, but it’s more likely that I’m just running into the same lazy promotions. Oh boy, another company gone “extreme” to spice up my life. I’ve grown weary of writing “extreme” jokes every other review, so if this is their intention, they have turned me into a beaten man.

Luckily, there is more to this damnation of cardboard tube than a stupid name, and believe me, it is a very stupid name. “Screamin’ Dill Pickle” was actually slang for gonorrhea where I grew up. It brought back some bad memories when I saw this on the shelves. Pickle flavoring on Pringles scared the shit out of me. I absolutely hate it when I get pickle juice on my fries, so pickle flavoring on Pringles would probably be that much worse.

I should probably explain Pringles to the uninitiated. Pringles are for small children who enjoy the novelty of eating stackable chips and stoners who like making those Pringles lips as seen in the commercials. If potato chips were steak, then Pringles would be mechanically separated beef. That’s because Pringles are “potato crisps” that are made from a potato-based dough not unlike your favorite instant mashed potatoes. While this does wonders for their ability to be neatly stacked into tubes, it doesn’t keep Pringles from tasting like salty paper.

While I figured that I probably wouldn’t enjoy this, I was still willing to give it a shot. I figured that the pickle flavoring would be mild at best. I also enjoy partaking in a crispy pickle spear fresh from the jar every once in a while, so I figured that I was prepared for some mighty picklage. However, you readers should know by now that I judge about as well as Lance Ito.

This is either the best thing ever or a nauseating abomination depending on your level of sanity. I don’t know how they did it, but it actually tastes more pickley than a pickle. It pretty much tastes like a McDonalds pickle if you were to take a swig of the juice right after consumption and then had someone kick you right in the nuts.

An informal taste test among a few friends confirmed that it is indeed disgusting, even for pickle lovers. The smell of it is also unsettlingly pungent. Just opening the tube around people leads to many audible complaints, escalating into violent threats after an extended period of time. If you ever sense the pleasurable aroma of pickles at your house, don’t be alarmed. It’s just me opening my Pringles and wondering if these extreme companies will ever let me go shopping sober again.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 110mg sodium, 14 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 0% Iron)

Item: Pringles Extreme Screamin’ Dill Pickle
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Very, very, very pickley if you’re into that sort of thing. Tube is sturdy and plastic cap fits well. May be able to fit some small tennis balls in there.
Cons: Just one chip tastes like ten concentrated pickle slices. The smell is ridiculously strong and literally nauseating. People who make Pringles lips. Pringles kind of suck compared to real potato chips. Companies that are too lazy to name their products anything other than Extreme.