Author: Ace

Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers

Ace 22 Comments

I approached the checkout line at Target with caution. As a painfully neurotic and self-conscious person, I can get pretty freaked out about my shopping choices.


“Sir? I can help you over here,” a pleasant voice said, coming from the express line.

Damn it, stuck with the young, cute cashier again. Always the least attentive and most judgmental cashier available − too attractive to have a filter and too curious to leave me alone. The worst combination possible.

I tiptoed over slowly, put my hands in my pockets and said, “Uhh…yeah, I’ll just take everything in the basket. If you could just look to the left and blindly scan as quickly as possible, that’d be awesome.”

She laughed, “Sir, we can’t do that.”

As I was busy shifting my eyes side to side and fidgeting, she said, “Hey, what’s this?”

“IT’S FOR MY GIRLFRIEND!” I exclaimed, not knowing what she picked up.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess it’s a little personal,” she remarked, picking up a bottle of KY warming jelly.

Thank God. I wiped my forehead and casually quipped, “Oh, that? It’s just lube. I’m really sorry, I get a little defensive this time of year.”

She raised her eyebrows and went back to the basket to pick up a few more items. “Three bottles?”

I squinted my eyes and nodded, “Yeah. In addition to a little defensive, I get a lot of other emotions as well.”

Then her hand went for the last item in the basket. My heart raced. Holy shit, she was really going to see it. I braced myself as she looked at it.

Her eyes lit up. “Wow, this is cute! What is it?”

I slowly shook my head and pretended to look puzzled, saying, “Wow. That’s…that’s crazy, how did that get in there? Oh wait, I think I got that for my…my…valentine?”

“Is your valentine a ten year old girl?” she asked.

I sighed. The jig was up. I explained, “Look, it’s a collection of Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, okay? Not only does it have three Hello Kitty designs, it also has a bunny thing confusingly named My Melody. Her ears kind of look like one of those giant foam fingers that you get at baseball games and Phoenix Wright conventions, so I thought it was pretty cool. I was just buying the other stuff so that maybe you wouldn’t notice the box.”

“Aww…you didn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to like a kid’s candy,” she replied.

I felt the need to further incriminate myself by saying, “Well, that’s the thing. I don’t really like PEZ. It’s basically colored sugar in brick form and the bonus candy bracelet is just about the most unsanitary method of eating I can think of. The box is really cool, though. I bet it’ll sell for a lot on eBay.”

She was beginning to look tired of feigning interest, saying, “Yeah…I mean, yeah, I guess it is. Well, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day.”

I got over the embarrassment of my purchase and found the courage to ask, “Hey…if you’re not doing anything that day, maybe I pick you up at around 7:30?”

She stared at me blankly for few moments and began to crack a smile. The smile turned into giggle which turned into a cacophony of laughter. She shook her head and tore out the receipt, saying, “You’re hilarious, have a nice day!”

I took my bag and made a beeline for the exit. I whispered under my breath, “God…this is just as humiliating as Christmas shopping at the 99 Cent Store, just with higher prices and fewer rapists.”

Despite my troubles, I left Target with my head held up high. I didn’t have my manhood, dignity, or a Valentine’s Day date, but I had something that money can’t buy. The pride of having a lunchbox full of glass Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, and really, that’s at least one more thing than I had last Valentine’s Day.

Item: Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers
Price: $9.99
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fun design and shapes that kids and nerds can appreciate. Comes in an adorable tin box. Well made glass material. Might be worth something to a socially awkward collector on eBay.
Cons: PEZ is pretty plain and doesn’t taste very interesting. PEZ candy can probably destroy your fillings. Attractive cashiers who question the things that you buy.

Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad

Ace 23 Comments

During my last shopping adventure, it occurred to me that every salad I ate was actually clogging my heart. There’s the macaroni salad I have with Hawaiian barbecue, the potato salad I have with fried chicken, the tuna salad I have with parmesan bread, and the hot dog salad that I invented after it came to me in a dream. As I pondered whether that website telling me that I would die in three years was correct, I came across a beautiful box of Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad.

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t drawn in by the shiny packaging. The gold lettering and fancy fonts on the box made it look like something pirates would bury on a remote island. I don’t really like medleys of vegetables or vinaigrettes, but I simply could not resist the festive colors and the promise of something gourmet.

Since it contains zucchini, black olives, green and red bell peppers, tomatoes, and carrots, I figured it would be a healthy alternative to my dietary doldrums of potato chips and Slim Jims. This was before I realized that pasta salad is just another type of “salad” that consists of fat and starch. There’s not enough vegetables in the whole thing to even add up to one serving.

It was at this point that I looked into my mirror, which happens to be a distorted one that makes me appear muscular, and realized that I would never be able to eat healthy. I’m just like a burnt out, single mother who comes to terms with the fact that she’ll always pick the bad boys. Sort of…okay, maybe that isn’t the best analogy. What I’m trying to say is that even when I think I’m eating healthy, buying anything from a box and adding oil isn’t going to earn me any favors with the Weight Watchers people.

Thankfully, the process of creating the pasta salad is very simple and effective. You just boil the pasta for a few minutes and then add it to a mixing bowl with some olive oil and the season packet. After throwing in the dehydrated vegetables, you let it rest for a few hours until it is cool and the roughage is soft. What you get rewarded with is a fairly tasty pasta salad that manages to stay firm and separated. Even with the glossy sheen, it is not at all oily. The vinaigrette is tangy and has a fairly strong basil taste, so lovers of basil should enjoy this immensely.

Overall, it is a solid and impressive product that is put over the top by the sheer awesomeness of its glorious packaging. It is a nice change of pace for anyone looking for a new side dish. Perhaps most importantly of all, it is another tasty yet unhealthy salad that will probably kill me.

That alone is priceless.

(Nutritional Facts – 1/5 box – 200 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 480mg sodium, 26 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 8% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad
Price: $2.50
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pasta stays firm even after cooking and coating. Vinaigrette is adequately tangy and flavorful. Very easy to make. Mirrors that make you appear more attractive than you really are.
Cons: Another “salad” that is not in any way good for you. Dehydrated vegetables don’t add a lot of flavor or texture. Being like a burnt out single mother who chooses the bad boys. Fearing your own mortality after searching for fun websites.

REVIEW: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza

Ace 16 Comments

Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza

The Lunchables people are here to kick you in the balls and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s right, they are the latest brand to join in on the craze of “extremification” in the world of product marketing. Lunchables are now “Maxed Out” and presumably ready to proverbially rock out with their cocks out.

I was curious to see if this new product had anything to do with the recent film Maxxxed Out, a fine film starring Jenna Haze, Sunny Lane, and other girls whose names sound like weather descriptions. However, it appears as though Lunchables is not yet extreme enough for hardcore porn.

I was intrigued by this new spin-off because I actually like the original Lunchables. Sure, the meat is slimy and the cheese resembles candle wax, but it is a consistent and comfortable reminder of my salad days as a fledgling youth. Plus, it tastes just like a turkey sandwich, but with 0% of the dignity.

The changes with the Maxed Out variety seem to be minimal. You get more food, but the quality is generally the same and the origin of the meat is just as ambiguous. I got the Deep Dish Pepperoni one, which is actually neither deep or made with pepperoni. It boasts “pepperoni flavored sausage,” which struck me as odd because real pepperoni is about as cheap as sausage gets. There is about half a centimeter for you to fill your crust with, so it’s not very deep unless you’re some type of amoeba.

It came with two crusts and enough sauce, cheese, and pepperoni flavored sausage to make decent sized mini-pizzas, so I can’t really complain about the quantity. It’s just too bad that the sauce tastes like strawberry marmalade and that the faux pepperoni tastes like nothing. I finished one and imagine that a child might be able to enjoy it, but it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

To wash it down, you get a mini bottle of water. A bottle of water with my Lunchables? Lame. Even though they include a Kool-Aid pouch to turn it into a soft drink, it doesn’t change the fact that a perfectly healthy bottle of spring water was included with my junk food. Plus, it gives choosy moms a chance to rummage through the box and steal the precious packet of sugar and food coloring. The old school Lunchables had a badass pouch of Capri Sun with a graphic of a guy skating on the beach on it. Nothing got me more pumped up for tripping over soccer balls during recess.

A cherry-flavored Airhead is included for dessert. Airheads always confused me because they aren’t aerated and aren’t shaped like balloons. Maybe they are just made for stupid children, hence their blunt and inauspicious name. If this is true, then they are really rubbing it in.

All in all, Lunchables Maxed Out is a disappointing romp through our collective childhood memories. This saddens me, because it had so much going for it: my love of pizza, the promise of free video game rentals, and the logo, which looks like something that Wolverine from X-Men would have carved into someone’s chest. Alas, even the most extreme of superheroes couldn’t salvage this mediocre meal.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 box – 510 calories, 13 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 mg of cholesterol, 850mg sodium, 77 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein, 25% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, 50% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Comes with ingredients to make two decent sized pizzas, big enough to fill a kid’s stomach. Fun to put together for children who may otherwise not receive enough arts and crafts in school. Wolverine fucking people up.
Cons: Sauce is way too sweet and fake pepperoni doesn’t taste very good. Loosest use of the term “deep dish” ever. Comes with bottled water instead of the awesome pouches of Capri Sun. Generic new name doesn’t really make any changes to the original brand. Does not tie in with Maxxxed Out.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Huevos Rancheros Breakfast Burrito

Ace 24 Comments

When I found out that Carl’s Jr. had a new breakfast burrito, I wasn’t too excited.

One – most of Carl’s Jr.’s breakfast food consists of about five different types of ham and sausage bundled together with hash browns. It’s a little nauseating to say the least.

Two − eating the Huevos Rancheros burrito in Southern California is like having KFC while you’re in Georgia. I couldn’t imagine that the restaurant down the street wouldn’t have a better version.

Three − they didn’t have an advertising blitz of Paris Hilton having sex with it like they did with one of their Six Dollar Burgers. Paris Hilton isn’t my cup of tea, but I appreciated the thought.

As previously mentioned, I can’t walk a block without running into a restaurant that serves huevos rancheros. Huevos rancheros is a traditional Mexican breakfast dish meant to satisfy a farmer’s hunger. It consists of a foundation of corn tortillas, eggs, and salsa, with a few other optional ingredients. “Huevos” means eggs in Spanish, and “rancheros” means rancher.

Interestingly enough, “huevos” is also slang for testicles, so you’re basically eating the balls of a rancher. If you make sure to ignore the laughter from the waiters after you order, you will be rewarded with a hearty breakfast.

Since I have had my fair share of rancher’s balls throughout the years, I have developed a very discerning palette when it comes to this Mexican breakfast. You can understand my skepticism when it came to trying this gringo-ized burrito. The Carl’s Jr. version is made up of scrambled eggs, cheese, refried beans, corn tortilla strips, and a ranchero sauce. I cut into it, noted the strange texture of the eggs, and took a bite.

My first thought was that it was surprisingly good. It was not as heavy as I thought it would be and the lack of meat was a nice change of pace for a breakfast burrito. However, I soon realized that it tasted exactly like a regular bean and cheese burrito at more than double the price.

You can’t really taste the eggs, which is probably a good thing since they are overcooked and spongy. Real huevos rancheros have delectable sunny side up eggs; these only pale in comparison. The ranchero sauce is very tangy, but lacks the spice appropriate for a manly Mexican breakfast. The tortilla strips felt tacked on and soon become soggy and lost within the depths of the refried beans.

In the end, it is a glorified bean and cheese burrito with a fun-to-pronounce name. I had suspected as much, but can’t help but feel disappointed by the lack of heat and flavor. It is a shame that every slutty Hollywood starlet happens to be in rehab or jail, because only the raunchiest of commercials could make this burrito memorable.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 burrito – 660 calories, 34 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 490 milligrams of cholesterol, 1550 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbs, and 30 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Huevos Rancheros Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE with coupon from nice PR person (retails for $2.39)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Adds variety to Carl’s Jr.’s meat-centric breakfast menu. Tastes like a decent bean and cheese burrito. The shameless, yet entertaining advertising techniques employed by Carl’s Jr.
Cons: Generally lacking any heat and unique flavor. Pretty pricey when compared to regular bean burritos. Tortilla strips fade into refried beans. Eggs look like some type of strange membranous creature when cut open.

REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Deli Creations Steakhouse Cheddar

Ace 14 Comments

Is the holiday season getting you down? Are you shopping for people based on how much you can stand them instead of considering their interests? Did you find your date for that Christmas party by posting an ad on Craigslist? Did you slip her a $50 so that she would pretend that she met you when you were volunteering at a children’s hospital?

Well, join the club.

It has indeed been a hectic season for me. Money earned at regular jobs has gone into the pockets of corporate America. Money earned working odd jobs has gone into the hands of the dealer on the street corner. I can’t even walk by a Spencer Gifts without lamenting that I can’t afford gag presents. When you can’t afford fake things, it’s probably time to start over.

Instead of feeling down, I decided to treat myself by trying something new at the supermarket. You can say that I am merely eating my emotions, but this isn’t the season for judging. I saw this box of Oscar Mayer Deli Creations tempting me with its promise of being “hot and melty.” It was rather expensive for being less than half a pound, $3.50, but I figured that I was already broke so I might as well hit rock bottom before clawing my way back up.

When I got home, it really did feel like opening a Christmas package. It had all types of goodies, coming with “steakhouse roast beef,” a long slice of real cheese, sauce, mayonnaise, and a roll. Most of this stuff is dirt cheap by itself, but it seems rather impressive when it’s bunched up like this. I’m not sure why I would need two condiments, but I appreciate the choice. I assembled the sandwich and put it on its special microwavable tray. Less than a minute later, it was indeed hot and melty.

It sure looked good enough, if not a little thin, but I was not very impressed with the taste. This roast beef is as close to real roast beef as Arby’s is, which should disturb you if you’ve ever eaten at Arby’s and wondered how they managed to get ham from a cow. It’s not quite that salty, but it’s still not close to resembling whatever I’ve eaten at a real steakhouse or barbecue joint. The “steakhouse” sauce is even eerily reminiscent of Arby’s sauce, a tangy, yet smokey mix of tomato and vinegar. I also found out that I prefer fake pasteurized cheese to real cheese, as the flavor of the sharp cheddar is a bit overwhelming. I think I can blame that on my corrupted sense of taste, though.

Individually, each ingredient isn’t worth very much. The meat could be found in packages for about 80 cents, the bread is worth about a quarter, the cheese is about 10 cents, and the mayonnaise and sauce are free at most fast food places. $3.50 is way too much to pay for this, even if it were an awesome sandwich. My advice is: buy each ingredient individually or just go to the local sub shop for a sandwich. Also, steal as many condiment packages as you can. You may feel bad, but it’s the only way to save some money so you can buy some fake gifts for the people you tolerate.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 package – 460 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 60 mg of cholesterol, 1410mg sodium, 51 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 29 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, and 25% Iron)

(Editor’s Note: Abi at HER (aka Heat Eat Review) reviewed the Honey Ham and Swiss version of the Oscar Mayer Deli Creations.)

Item: Oscar Meyer Deli Creations Steakhouse Cheddar
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Comes packaged in a fancy box with each item individually sealed. Comes out hot and melty from the microwave. Choice of two condiments.
Cons: Tastes like it came from Arby’s. Not very big or filling. Pretty pricey for what you get. Not being able to afford fake gifts.