Author: Adam

REVIEW: McDonald’s Dipped Cone

Adam 19 Comments

McDonald’s Dipped Cone

Having survived the Great Mid-Atlantic Derecho of 2012 and discovered my stash of home bound ice cream to have turned into soup once the power came back on, you might say I’ve been in a cautious mood when buying ice cream over the last week.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a great appreciation for the richest and most indulgent dairy I can get to blow my savings on, but seeing mold in the viscous brown goo that used to be your Belgian Milk Chocolate Gelato will make you think twice before spending the big bucks again. Thankfully, that’s why places like McDonald’s exist.

McDonald’s has been selling soft serve since pretty much forever (heck even Wikipedia didn’t have a start date) but so far as I can tell, they’ve only recently launched the Chocolate-y Dipped Cones to the nationwide audience. Nope, that’s not a typo. It’s “Chocolate-y” as in does not contain actual chocolate (read: cocoa butter not included) but instead is made from a mixture of sugar, coconut oil, hydrogenated coconut oil, and cocoa.

Man, talk about a step down.

Still, with temperatures approaching a billion degrees in the Mid-Atlantic, I felt inclined to try it out. Also, I figured McDonald’s had invented some proprietary magic shell chocolate dispenser to coat the “reduced fat soft serve” in, but watching the girl behind the counter dunk the cone into a bucket of liquidity chocolate goo pretty much debunked that theory. Nevertheless, the coating clung to the soft serve tighter than a lid on a pickle jar, creating a hard reflexive sheen that could probably fry an ant if angled correctly toward the summer sun.

It was into that sun which I cautiously stepped, hoping my cone would last for a few worthwhile licks before the heat and humidity extracted its revenge on my summer bliss.

One, of course, faces an eating dilemma with soft ice cream encapsulated in hard ice cream form, but I found it worthwhile to approach the chocolate shell as if I was trying to get to the center of a tootsie pop. The chocolate flavor is sweet, a tad cool, and surprisingly smooth for being so artificial, reminding me of a chocolate ice cream bar with an especially thick chocolate shell. Not as pronounced and richly indulgent as a Magnum Bar, mind you, but this is McDonald’s and it’s 1,000 degrees out, so I’m willing to overlook that.

McDonald’s Dipped Cone 02

In any case I eventually ventured to splinter the shell and take a whack at the soft serve. Like Han Solo released from carbonite, the vanilla soft serve is not completely melted, and still retains its sweet and cool shape. Neither bursting with vanilla bean flavor nor having the lickable richness and smooth mouthfeel of egg based soft custard, it’s serviceable on its own, but delicious when combined with the shell.

McDonald’s Dipped Cone 04

It’s a treat worth savoring for a good five minutes, and the only real downside of the whole experiences come once the integrity of the binding site between the shell and cone is broken. At this stage you might as well stuff the rest of the cone into your face as quickly as possible, or else you risk an afternoon of sticky fingers, much like I did.

McDonald’s Dipped Cone is a surprising find in a fast food dessert market saturated with oversized milkshakes and coffee drinks disguised as milkshakes. It’s also an affordable option should you be looking to cool down without having your cool down treat immediately melt all over you.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cone – 270 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat*, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of protein, 15% calcium.)

*Contains Hydrogenated Oils

Item: McDonald’s Dipped Cone
Purchased Price: $1.49
Size: 4.5 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate-y shell has smooth sheen and lickable, bittersweet cocoa flavor. Tastes like a really thick chocolate bar. Soft serve ice plays well with with hard coating. Doesn’t melt even under intense heat. Affordable dessert that won’t break the calorie bank.
Cons: Soft serve is run-of-the-mill. No actual chocolate involved. Contains hydrogenated oil. “Volcano effect” of melting ice cream once shell is compromised.

REVIEW: Apple Cinnamon Chex

Adam 6 Comments

Apple Cinnamon Chex

Long before Chex exploded in popularity thanks to mascotless boxes appealing to the Gluten Free eaters of America, jokes regarding the long litany of cereal variants in a particular brand were limited to Cheerios. Original, Honey Nut, Multigrain, Team, Berry Burst, Frosted, Chocolate…the list went on and on, and flavors came and went, as new, supposedly better and more tasty improvements were developed.

Unbeknownst to Cheerios, a cabal was brewing to take the goodness of whole oats to the insipid base of rice. Like spies prowling the nighttime streets of Los Alamos, raiders from Chex came and stole the secrets to Cheerios’ success, giving way to Chex’s own creation of weapons of unspeakable flavor potential.

It may have begun with Honey Nut and the now defunct Frosted, but it did not end there, and out of this treason within the think-tank of General Mills’ laboratories, a new paradigm of cereal proliferation had begun.

Not one to fall behind the rapidly expanding flavors offered by Cheerios, Mini-Wheats, Cap’n Crunch, Fiber One, Honey Bunches of Oats, and yes, just about every cereal variety ever conceived, Chex has added a new flavor with a familiar profile: Apple Cinnamon.

Apple Cinnamon Chex Ingredients

Not to be confused with regular old Cinnamon Chex, Apple Cinnamon Chex makes the claim to having the distinct and all natural flavor of apples with the warm, sweet taste of cinnamon. Of course, the ingredients also feature allspice and ginger, but I’m guessing they ran out of room on the box to name it “Apple Cinnamon Allspice Ginger Chex.”

Whatever the case, I tasted all the spices in my initial handfuls, and received — for a brief moment — an almost Cinnamon Toast Crunch intensity of flavor. Its short lived, though, and overpowered by an odd tartness of the apple powder. The flavor, as well as the aroma, comes across as too intense. Like those dry bits in a sugar free apple cinnamon oatmeal mix, the powder is concentrated and even off-putting, while the spices make for a slightly unpleasant aftertaste with the rice base.

Speaking of the rice base, Apple Cinnamon Chex unfortunately suffers from what I like to call “Chocolate Chex” syndrome. Meaning, among other things, that the pieces not coated in the flavor base taste like absolutely nothing. And by absolutely nothing, I’m talking as close to uncooked white rice as you can imagine.

Apple Cinnamon Chex Closeup

Fortunately, like Chocolate Chex, Apple Cinnamon Chex sucks a great deal less when eaten with milk. As the spices disseminate throughout the milk, they yield to a more balanced, less astringent chew that combines the best of slowly cooked oatmeal with none of the mushiness or oppressive heat. Likewise, I hardly notice the insipid bite of the plain pieces, and find myself chugging the end-milk like it was Coke Zero. Dare I say, these ‘warming spices’ even become somewhat refreshing.

As the kind of person who prefers cereal as a snack and enjoys the none-too-complicated fake apple but not-really-apple taste of Apple Jacks, I struggle with Apple Cinnamon Chex. While it’s certainly saved by a shower of ice cold skim milk (or, as Tony Perkins likes to say, ‘success’) it strikes me as reaching too far in its flavor aims, combining a natural tartness and warming spice flavor that’s so natural its positively unnatural in the realm of dry cereal.

A complete waste of espionage resources on the part of Chex? Perhaps not, but until they’re willing to rediscover the secrets of Frosted Cheerios, I’ll be passing on America’s favorite gluten free cereal brand.

(Nutrition Facts — 3/4 cup (31 grams) — 130 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 grams of protein.)

Item: Apple Cinnamon Chex
Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 13.75 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly refreshing in milk. Tart green apple taste. Brief seizure by ethereal Cinnamon Toast Crunch flavor. Terrific end-milk. Cereal company espionage. Hope for a return of Frosted Chex.
Cons: Smells artificial. Spices taste too prominent. ‘Chocolate Chex syndrome’. Apple taste is too astringent for snacking purposes. Apple-Cinnamon blend falls to the bottom of the box. No back-of-the-box fun and games.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S’mores Waffles

Adam

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles

Let me take you back to a warm summer night in 1962. In a sturdy tree house overlooking the backyard of the Mean Old Mr. Myrtle’s house, a portly adolescent named Hamilton Porter sticks a marshmallow on a stick and proceeds to shove it into a campfire. When the mallow is flaming with enough heat to fog up the glasses of his friend Squints Palledorous, the freckled-faced ginger removes the ‘mallow, sticks it between a square of Hershey’s chocolate and two graham crackers, and proceeds to “stuff it.”

Hence the s’more was born, and America was bequeathed one of its most iconic flavor combinations.

If the British their Spotted Dick pudding (what is that stuff anyway?) and the German have their Black Forest cake, we Americans have our s’mores. An engrained element of our efforts to eat seasonally, the s’more flavor profile has made its way into Pop-Tarts, cereal, ice cream, and, yes, the ubiquitous and completely worthless Quaker Chewy Granola bar.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles Box Back

Perhaps feeling moved by the same spirit of summer which seized Buzz Lightyear, Eggo has decided to release a seasonal s’more frozen waffle. Available only at Target, the waffles come in the familiar eight count box which basically forces you to eat all eight waffles in one sitting, lest you chance freezer burn with the non-resealable packaging.

After proceeding to follow the very specific instructions of my Eggo box and toasting the waffles on a low setting for two rotations, I took my slightly crispy but still chewy waffles and applied a liberal pat of butter and maple syrup. It then occurred to me that putting butter and maple syrup on anything would likely skew results to the “wow, this is great” rating, and recalling no evidence of butter or maple syrup in the entire history of my s’more eating, I decided to test out one of the waffles plain.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles Closeup

Unlike the first bite of an actual s’more, my waffle did not tempt my taste buds with layers of crunchy and creamy, smooth and coarse. There was no milky chocolate, nor was there toasted marshmallow goo, and there definitely was no fire to puff out from said flaming ‘mallow. To be short, my first bite of the new Eggo S’mores waffle tasted decidedly like a toasted Eggo waffle, albeit with an interesting if not underrepresented chew of malted barley sweetness and some kind of exotic multigrain element. It didn’t scream graham in the traditional sense of a Nabisco graham cracker, but instead gave off hints of buckwheat and whole wheat.

If it sounds enticing, don’t get too excited. I can buy frozen multigrain waffles from any hippie megastore, but I only trust Eggo to give me the proper nutritionally worthless convenience of chocolate chips and marshmallow built into my frozen waffle. And when it comes to those two key features – chocolate chips and ‘mallows – there just aren’t enough.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles Closer Up

It’s a real shame because the chocolate chips are actually composed of real chocolate and take on a nice melty smoothness in the toaster, while the marshmallows strikes a balance of creamy and gooey that puts them somewhere between cereal ‘mallows and Twinkie cream. On the rare bites when you’re able to pair both the chocolate and ‘mallows with the slightly crispy waffle, well, you’ll find yourself fully appreciating the words of Hamilton Porter.

In that case, go ahead and “stuff it” for all they’re worth, my friends.

The new Eggo S’more waffles aren’t bad. They just need s’more of the stuff that makes s’mores so damn good. Speaking of which, forget the butter and maple syrup and go ahead and skewer these puppies on a twig. Fire up the grill, grab some Hershey’s bars and Jet-Puffs, and then we’ll talk. Or, should I say, we’ll stuff.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 360  milligrams of sodium, 95 mg potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 8grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S’mores Waffles
Price: $2.39
Size: 8 waffles per box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Real chocolate chips and marshmallow goo. Fancy multigrain-ey flavor. Eating seasonally. Not actually horrible for you at 100 calories per waffle. No hydrogenated fats.
Cons: Needs s’more marshmallows and chocolate chips per waffle. Frequent repetition of juvenile puns. Inconsistent toasting instructions. Freezer burn. THE BEAST.

REVIEW: Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float Gum

Adam 10 Comments

Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float

Since the dawn of stuff, people have been looking for a way to get their dessert fix on for a mere five calories. While early attempts by our ancestors to eat grass and cut pieces of cake just really, really small yielded lackluster results, the efforts of Wrigley and their Extra Dessert Delights gum have recently revolutionized the way we experience dessert.

No longer forced to choose between extreme portion control or insane feats of metabolic fitness to combat the effects of grandma’s apple pie or a container of mint chocolate chip ice cream, we can now chow down on our favorite sweets for the caloric equivalent of an ounce of chopped radishes.

This summer, Wrigley expanded their temping Extra Dessert Delights line of sugar-free gums with a root beer float-flavored variety.

I was an early convert to Extra’s Dessert Delights and have now tried all the flavors, including the now-defunct Rainbow Sherbet flavor (still mourning that one, for what it’s worth). So there was no question I’d be buying the new Root Beer Float gum, eschewing the ever-present threat of becoming a human whoopee cushion, all thanks to those lovely sugar alcohols, which, if I’m not being clear enough, will give you more gas than Saudi Arabia.

I like my Root Beer crisp, rough around the edges, and on the high side of the carbonation spectrum (think Barq’s) and won’t waste time on that smooth A&W crap that might as well be cream soda. No, I’m a Barq’s man, dammit, and when it comes to proper root beer float construction, I won’t settle for no boxed Walmart Frozen Dessert nonsense to pair with my soda. Nope, its good old fashioned, full fat vanilla bean hard ice cream for me, and anything less is a travesty that should be banished from these here United States.

The root beer flavor of Extra’s gum doesn’t have that hard and slightly bitter bite, and it sure doesn’t have the kind of carbonation that will help me win a burping contest with my nine-year-old cousins. It does, however, have a proper balance of vanilla and spice, with a prerequisite sweetness to please anyone not horribly averse to the long litany of artificial sweeteners used in its construction.

Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float Closeup

Sadly, Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float is another gum that suffers from the time-space continuum of the gum paradox, which, if you’re unfamiliar, confirms the very fact that the better tasting the gum, the less time the flavor lasts. I got a good minute of strong root beer float flavor from my sticks, but after that, it’s the law of diminishing returns. Unlike a real root beer float, you can’t even burp up the taste hours later.

And this, my friends, leads to the greatest travesty of all. Remember those hard-learned lessons regarding sugar alcohol consumption? In my efforts to keep a constant and bottomless root beer float going (and at a mere 10 sticks, only 50 calories) the laws of nature eventually caught up to me. I need not say more.

Extra’s new Dessert Delight’s Root Beer Float Gum tastes like a root beer float, but it doesn’t impress me. For it to impress me, Extra would have to pull a page from Willy Wonka and either A) Make the gum change from apple pie to strawberry shortcake to key lime pie to root beer float without making me turn into a gigantic blueberry or B) Come up with a way to make the flavor last more than a minute.

Given how far we’ve come as a culture in gum flavor development, it amazes me this hasn’t happened yet. Finally, let’s be real, Extra. When it comes to your sugar alcohol warning, tell it like it is. Attempting to recreate a never-ending root beer float may not leave you burping, but it will leave you feeling like the human equivalent to a whoopee cushion in the hands of an overzealous 10-year-old.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Extra Dessert Delights Root Beer Float Gum
Price: $2.00
Size: 3 pack/15 sticks
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a root beer float. Smells like a root beer float. Good balance of vanilla and sassafras flavor. Smooth. Only 5 calories a stick. An All-American summer.
Cons: Gum paradox strikes again. Excessive consumption of sugar alcohols. No bite. No smooth, creamy richness component. Mug not included. Sugar alcohols.

REVIEW: Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Bars (Blueberry and Strawberry)

Adam 25 Comments

Yasso Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars

The chronology of yogurt in this country reads like a veritable timeline of fads and one-hit wonders. From BMX riding kids glurping Go-Gurt to Jamie Lee Curtis giving us advice on tooting, we’ve by now been there and tried that. Somewhere along the way we jumped on board the Greek yogurt express, shelling out double for what we’d pay for regular yogurt and stumbling over the name of everyone’s favorite Greek yogurt company like a county music singer trying to learn French.

With the latest yogurt trends leaning toward lactose-free yogurt and foreign fermented dairy products with names I can’t pronounce, Greek yogurt has had to up its game to garner attention. Fortunately, thanks to two hippie dudes in Vermont and a host of other companies, we’ve recently seen an explosion in “Frozen” Greek Yogurt, which is not to be confused with the kind of frozen Greek yogurt that happens as a result of me sticking my container of Fage into the freezer by mistake.

Yasso might sound like it’s a character of ambiguous gender out of the smash N-64 hit Yoshi’s Story*, but in reality it’s the name of a frozen Greek yogurt company dreamed up by a sporty husband and wife team. How sporty? Let’s just say their website boasts of a 4:15 mile accomplishment, which, after reading, I was hoping would also be in my future if I ate their frozen Greek yogurt bars. Suddenly, the whole Achilles story is coming into focus.

Yasso Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars Blueberry

With “all of the goodness, none of the guilt,” Yasso’s 75-gram bars pack only 70 calories, and proudly boasts of containing no corn syrup and no fat. I won’t lie to you; with those kind of stats I was expecting the Blueberry and Strawberry bars I sampled to also contain no taste. Surprisingly they did contain some taste, although unsurprisingly it was not the kind of taste which really gets me excited for a frozen yogurt bar. Perhaps, if you play ice cream truck music in the background and rapidly slurp down a Great White Shark Pop or Flintstone’s Push-Pop after eating these greek yogurt bars, then you’ll get excited, but otherwise, you know you’re basically eating something healthy with the sole intention of being healthy.

Yasso Greek Frozen Yogurt Bars Strawberry

Both bars have a dull sweetness that I’m willing to bet most people would find completely underwhelming. Using no other sweetener aside from sugar (not even fructose) the bars almost seem to restrain the actual pureed fruit base, which is overshadowed by a clean, albeit slightly boring, milky flavor. Had I not known the blueberry flavor was blueberry, I would have been hard pressed to identify it as anything but “berry,” and unfortunately found no tart or puckering quality about it. The strawberry flavor had a better showing — what, with some actual texture of those little seed things on the outside of the berries — but again, the fruit flavor was less fruit and more mild and milky yogurt. Decent, but not great, and while healthy, not healthy enough to shave roughly three and a half minutes off my mile time.

I love fruit as much as the next snack food junkie looking to remove the compunction of downing a bag of Fritos, but I also know where to pick my battles. If you’re looking for the most insanely healthy conception of something frozen on a stick this side of attempting to grow asparagus in Antarctica, then these bars are right up your alley. If, however, you’re just a guy looking to try to get a little balance in your dessert life, then might I suggest the tried and true method of sticking a banana in the freezer and calling it an afternoon.

*If anyone has a copy of this game they are willing to part with, I would very much appreciate it if you’d drop me a line. More to the point, buying it from you would make my life.

(Editor’s Note/Disclosure: We received free coupons for free samples for free from the folk at Yasso for free. Free. Free. Free.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar - 70 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35-40 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, and 15% calcium.)

Other Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Bar reviews:
Fro-Yo Girl

Item: Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Bars (Blueberry and Strawberry)
Price: $4.99 (Coupons provided by Yasso super-athletic marketing team)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Blueberry)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Pros: Super healthy. No fat and six grams of protein. Milky fresh taste. No ice crystals. Getting on board the the Greek yogurt bandwagon again. Excuse to YouTube Go-Gurt commercials.
Cons: Vapid level of sweetness. Not guaranteed to make a kid run faster or jump higher. Expensive and somewhat difficult to find in stores. Jamie Lee Curtis commercials. Feelings of athletic impotency.