Brandon

REVIEW: Arby’s Spicy Fish Sandwich

Brandon / March 7, 2022 / Reviews / 7 Comments

I am not a super-regular consumer of fast food fish sandwiches. That’s not to suggest that I never have them, though. The ratio is probably just something along the lines of, for every fish sandwich I have, I probably eat ten non-fish sandwiches (aka a chicken sandwich or a hamburger). That number may be off a bit, I don’t know. I mean really, who charts what sort of animal their fast food meal came from? (As I typed this out, I realized that I actually kind of like this idea. So, I mean, I guess I might start.)

Anyway, it’s prime fish sandwich season, what with the Lent and so forth, and so all of your favorite purveyors of drive-thru delectables are either offering deals on their existing pescatarian products or coming up with new ones. Like this — the new Arby’s Spicy Fish Sandwich.

What you’ve got here is the standard Arby’s fish sandwich base— crispy fish fillet, shredded lettuce, and tartar sauce on a sesame seed bun — but you’re adding a tomato slice, fiery seasoning, and diced jalapeños to the mix. And the result? I cod eat this every time I order Arby’s. (Get it? Cod is a type of fish. We like to have a good time here at The Impulsive Buy, right?)

The sesame seed bun was pretty standard and bland, but it was soft and held up well. The lettuce was crunchy and fresh, but the tomato was a bit mealy. It still served its greater purpose, I believe, which was to help cut down some of the fieriness of this sandwich. And was this thing fiery? Boy howdy.

There is a duality to the heat here that stems from the “fiery seasoning” as well as the diced jalapeños. It’s hard to say which packs more of a punch because your mouth is pretty much engulfed after the first bite. I will say, though, that isolating the two gives two distinct heats; the jalapeño (the fresh, bright green kind, not pickled) is an instant tongue-punch while the seasoning on the fillet — which contains chili powder and cayenne amongst other things — is a slow burn.

It’s hard to know if this heat is too much for an average pallet. I feel like my receptors are abnormal and therefore unreliable; I can have Thai-hot and be fine, but other times an unassuming “spicy mayo” will be almost too much. I found this to be a perfectly acceptable level of hot, but I’m not going to refund your money if you get it and can’t take more than a bite or two. (Nor will I be shocked if you get it and you tell me that, I don’t know, your two-year-old tried it and loved it.)

What WILL surprise me, however, is if you get this sandwich and don’t enjoy it. Arby’s crispy, crunchy, light and tasty fish fillet is elevated by the spice, but it’s never too much; the tangy tartar sauce and cool veggies counterbalance the heat in a delightfully pleasant way. It’s a shame that this won’t become a regular menu item, because I cod order it ever … wait, did I already do the cod joke? Hang on, where are you going?

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 580 calories, 25 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 1200 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Bang Energy Blue & Yellow Limoncello

Brandon / February 18, 2022 / Reviews / 2 Comments

What is Bang Energy Blue & Yellow Limoncello?

My favorite way of turning into a human hummingbird by punishing my heart with 300 milligrams of hardcore caffeine (plus SUPER CREATINE! And CoQ10s!! And zero calories!!!) gets a Walmart-exclusive (hence “blue and yellow”) flavor inspired by the traditional Italian lemon liqueur Limoncello.

How is it?

Smooth and lemony with a subtle creaminess on the back-end, B&YL sort of tastes like if you made a cake with Sprite. While perusing Bang’s subreddit (which mostly seems to be extremely amped up teens angry at being unable to find certain flavors), one person suggested that it tastes like “those lemon butter cakes you find at gas stations,” another said “tastes exactly like Limoncello LaCroix,” and another user stated “tastes like zebra cake to me,” which, well, uh, hmm. I see. I agreed with the first two things, though!

Anything else you need to know?

This isn’t the first Bang exclusive to a particular retailer. Last fall, the antiquely named Vitamin Shoppe introduced Nectarine Blueberry. Once I figure out where a Vitamin Shoppe is, I’m all over this one, too.

Conclusion:

It’s a shame that this is a Walmart-exclusive flavor, honestly. If it were more convenient to pick up, I’d be inclined to work this into my Wyldin’ Watermelon/Delish Strawberry Kiss/Key Lime Pie rotation. If you’re a Bang completist — or just someone who feels like they might want to imbibe an extremely caffeinated liquid lemon cake — you’ll want to check it out.

Purchased Price: $2.08
Size: 16 fl oz can
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 0 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, less than 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar including 0 grams added sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

Bang Energy Drink

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Hardee’s Bacon Beast Burger

Brandon / February 8, 2022 / Reviews / 4 Comments

When I was very young, one of my favorite fast food sandwiches was the simple, yet respectable Hardee’s roast beef. Later, in my early 20s, and with an accordantly sufficient metabolism, I would occasionally go to town on a Monster Thickburger. You know, the one with two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of American cheese, and a slathering of mayo. (I always appreciated how they didn’t put on airs by adding anything that came from a garden.)

I’m older now, and as such, I wouldn’t feel responsible ordering one of those if Hardee’s still made them. (There’s a smaller, tamer version, but it just isn’t the same.) Couple the lack-of-a-sideshow-aspect with the fact that the nearest Hardee’s just isn’t very near, and the bottom line is, I don’t get there all that often. So, when I heard about its rollout of the new “Bacon Beast” menu featuring a Bacon Beast burger, breakfast burrito, and biscuit, I wondered, will this be enough to work Hardee’s into my regular fast food rotation?

The answer, simply put, is no.

You see, the thing is, I’ve got three Burger Kings closer to me, and Burger King has a Whopper, and to that Whopper, one may add bacon and cheese. And that is, from a taste standpoint, a 98% match for this burger.

The Bacon Beast consists of “a 3.5 oz patty, tomato, lettuce, pickle, yellow onion, mayonnaise, American cheese, and four strips of Applewood-smoked bacon complete with a special sauce on a seeded bun.” (You can also get it with two or three patties; I ordered a single and was given a double.) A Whopper has a 1/4th pound patty, white onions instead of yellow, and ketchup instead of “special sauce.”

The thing is, for the life of me, I couldn’t tell how this special sauce WASN’T just ketchup. It was a little sweeter, maybe? But whatever it was supposed to be, it was nearly indistinguishable from ketchup.

The other thing, obviously, is that BK flame-grills its meat while Hardee’s charbroils it. Is it different enough to be noticeable? Not to me. Hardee’s patty seemed a bit saltier than BK’s, but it was tasty. Everything else was totally standard, and totally reminiscent of a Whopper. The vegetation was unremarkable but fine, the bacon was decently thick, the bun was bland, and the American cheese was waxy and what one would expect from fast food.

I had no complaints about this thing, but I didn’t come away with any compliments, either. It was a bacon cheeseburger from a top-10 fast food hamburger place. Better than a prepackaged one from a hospital vending machine, but much less desirable than one from Five Guys. And while I get that a place like Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. isn’t in direct competition with a place like Five Guys or Shake Shack or Your Favorite Local Hamburger Place, if they’re asking me to pay close to that same amount, they’ve gotta give me something fun or unique. A Whopper clone with sad special sauce and a different kind of onion just won’t cut it.

Purchased Price: $6.79
Size: Single Patty
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 900 calories is the only nutritional fact available on Hardee’s website at this time.

Carl's Jr. Fast Food Hardee's

REVIEW: International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer

Brandon / February 2, 2022 / Reviews / 6 Comments

What is International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer?

The bad boys and girls at International Delight are at it again! No longer content with simply making Reese’s into iced coffee, or infusing their creamer with Almond Joy or Cinnabon, now they’re taking everyone’s favorite indestructible snack cake and making it drinkable.

How is it?

Delicious.

While very little of the golden cake flavor shines through, the taste overwhelmingly captures the artificially delightful cream filling. It’s super sugary, sure, but you know what you signed up for: a Twinkies-flavored creamer. There is no nuance here, so maybe that’s a bit of a missed opportunity, but if you’ve ever wanted to drinky a Twinkie, this is your chance.

Anything else you need to know?

I was delighted/horrified to learn that Hostess released a bottled “Twinkies Iced Latte” in 2020. If you, too, missed your opportunity to consume one of these things, you’ll be happy to note that it is currently available on eBay— along with the Ding Dong and Honey Bun varieties— for just a tick under $40.

Conclusion:

While liquid Twinkies feels a bit too novelty to become a full-time International Delight flavor, if you’re into prepackaged snack cakes, or trying new coffee creamers, or just feel like something a little less adult than “Hazelnut” or “French Vanilla,” you probably won’t regret giving this a whirl.

Purchased Price: $2.88
Size: 32 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Tbsp) 35 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, less than 0 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar including 5 grams added sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

Coffee Creamer International Delight Twinkies

REVIEW: Toffee Crunch Oreo Cookies

Brandon / January 13, 2022 / Reviews / 9 Comments

So, I feel like I have limited experience with toffee. I’ve had a couple of Heath Bars, and maybe even a Skor or two, but I’m generally not one to just sit around gobbling fistfuls of the brittle English… candy? Confection? Building material?

But it pairs well with chocolate, I think — as evidenced by the aforementioned bars. So it only makes sense that it’s now an Oreo filling. After all, everything is an Oreo filling, right? Swedish Fish? Oreo filling. Cherry cola? Oreo filling. Your mom’s meatloaf? Probably going to be an Oreo filling.

But like Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park, “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” Was he talking about Oreo flavors? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the movie, so I don’t remember. Maybe? But I guess what I’m getting at is, just because the Oreo scientists can stuff their cookies with whatever fillings their demented minds can dream up, should they? Well, no, not always. (Looking at you, Kettle Corn, Pina Colada, Cotton Candy, and Root Beer Float, to name but a few.)

But in this case? It’s fine.

The toffee creme has a noticeable buttery flavor, but it’s very mild. To replicate toffee’s crunch, “sugar crystals” have been added to the proceeding. They crunch, and they’re fine, but they do nothing to enhance or detract from the overall affair. Because the toffee punch is so subtle, I was left wishing that there would have been more, you know, Double Strength or whatever they call it. I’m not sure they do that with these one-off flavors, though, so I was left with nothing more than a dream.

One mildly interesting side note: about 3/4ths of the pack had half of the cookie inside-out. So like, the decorative side was pressed into the creme and the smooth side was facing out. Do I think this affected my eating experience? Uncertain, but I’m leaning toward “no.” Was it mildly interesting? Sure. But not, you know, enough to make me want to buy them again. Because I feel like that would be a really peculiar reason to buy another package of Oreo cookies, right?

In the end, these were acceptably okay but absolutely nothing special. If you’re a completist, you’ll want to try them, and I feel like, as long as you’re tolerant of toffee, you’ll enjoy them just fine. If you’re just an “Oreo-a-few-times-per-year” person, you might want to stick to your known commodities lest you end up with a sad stomach.

Purchased Price: $3.67
Size: 17 oz package
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 13 grams of added sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

Cookies Nabisco Oreo