Author: Brandon

REVIEW: Subway Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken

Brandon 13 Comments

Subway Frank s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken

To fully understand Subway’s plight, first, think of the worst thing that has been written about you in the press over the past few years. I’ll give it a second… okay, good.

Next, compare that to the sandwich maven. Earlier this month, the Irish Supreme Court ruled that Subway’s bread has too much sugar to be considered bread. A 2017 Canadian Broadcasting Corporation investigation that found its chicken contains less than 50% actual chicken DNA. And then there was that uh, one guy. You know, the one who lost a bunch of weight and then his freedom.

But there is a lot to be said for convenience (think of all the Subways squished into gas stations on desolate stretches of endless American interstates) and the general laziness of people too tired to make their own sandwiches.

And speaking of laziness, allow me to introduce you to the sub-sandwich mega-chain’s newest offering, Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken sandwich. Subway says, “this sub includes our tender chicken strips and new Buffalo sauce, made exclusively with Frank’s Red Hot sauce, toasted on your favorite bread and topped with fresh lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and ranch dressing.” For the sake of standardization, I ordered mine exactly as they suggest. The bread on the app defaulted to “Italian,” but I ended up with whatever the plainest, whitest, most unimaginative bread offered is.

Subway Frank s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken Innards 1

If you’ve ever had a Buffalo chicken sandwich from any other purveyor of food, you’ve already had this thing, only better. That said, it wasn’t 100% garbage. First, I’ll tell you what I liked: the bread was big and soft and would have made a very cozy sweater. Again, it didn’t taste like much, but it was pleasant to touch. The veggies were very fresh, which, I’ll admit, surprised me some. The lettuce was crisp and the cucumbers added a nice crunch. The tomatoes were small and inoffensive. If things would have stopped there, this sandwich would have been a 7. (And also, very unfulfilling.)

But they didn’t stop there.

Subway Frank s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken Innards 2

Subway suggests that its “new buffalo sauce” is made with Frank’s Red Hot sauce, but to be honest, it just tasted like they mixed up some of Frank’s Buffalo Sauce with a dash of Frank’s Hot Sauce. Though the goopy result added a nice kick, there wasn’t enough of it to give you a real “buffalo wing” experience. Similarly, the ranch added very little. It was there, but quickly lost its footing around the hot sauce, muting the heat and failing to provide any nuance.

And then, the chicken.

Subway’s bird-meat is unnaturally soft, weirdly slippery, and tastes like what an extraterrestrial might guess chicken tastes like just from looking at a chicken alone. There is almost no flavor to it, and it is unsettling how it almost disintegrates in your mouth. Were it not for the occasional bit of gristle, I might have wondered if I hadn’t been tricked by tofu.

And really, tofu would have been much preferred. This sandwich made me uncomfortable, and that’s generally the last quality I look for when grabbing lunch.

Purchased Price: $8.49
Size: 12-inch
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (12-inch sub) 710 calories, 24 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 2720 milligrams of sodium, 79 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 47 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Twisted Lime Doritos

Brandon 11 Comments

Twisted Lime Doritos Bag

What are Twisted Lime Doritos?

Provided you’ve had Doritos at some point in your life, you probably already get the basic premise here: America’s favorite flavored tortilla chip (according to me, but not like, science or polling or anything) gets a lime twist. Earlier this year, Doritos introduced Flamin’ Hot Limón Doritos, which makes me think that this is its version of a less violent baby-brother, you know, with no prison rap sheet and fewer face tattoos.

How is it?

I have a culinary aversion to things labeled as “EXTREME!” or “TWISTED!” (insert face-shredding guitar solo.) I do not want my snacks to be aggressive or be, in any fashion, “to the max!!!” So, I’ll admit: I wasn’t expecting to like these Twisted Lime Doritos. (And I say this as someone who would consider emblazoning my tombstone with “he liked Doritos more than an adult man should.”) But guess what? These were fantastic!

Twisted Lime Doritos Closeup

It was almost as if Doritos took a pared-down Cool Ranch base, infused it with a hint of lime, then made the resulting chip prance through a field of jalapeños. I wasn’t expecting the ranchiness and the heat, but it was all right there in the ingredients list: jalapeño powder, buttermilk, and sour cream. All of these things coalesced in just the right amounts resulting in a fine new offering to the Frito-Lay family.

Anything else you need to know?

The tanginess from the lime is perfect without being overwhelming, but also, THE HEAT! These chips pack a punch. It’s a slow-building burn that takes a few seconds to hit, but once it does, you’re gonna need a quick swig of animal milk to put out the fire. This also came as a surprise, which, well, I suppose it shouldn’t have, given that the packaging is adorned with flames.

Conclusion:

While I’m not sure this is a new Everyday Dorito (see: Nacho Cheese, Spicy Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch), this is a great model to take out for the occasional weekend spin (Taco, Spicy Sweet Chili). You know, supposing its kept around for any length of time.

Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: 2.75 ounce bag
Purchased at: QuikTrip
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Per Bag) 400 calories, 20 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 510 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Sonic Trick or Treat Blast

Brandon 10 Comments

Sonic Trick or Treat Blast Cup

Never, in the history of man, has anyone ever proclaimed “Oreo” to be their favorite Halloween treat. This is because, quite obviously, Oreo cookies are not a Halloween candy. Much like a succulent ham, or a roast leg of lamb, they are an everyday indulgence that knows no seasonality. Therefore, the King of Sandwich Cookie’s inclusion in Sonic’s new Trick-or-Treat Blast is a bit confounding.

That said, it’s actually one of this treat’s few bright spots. I’ll explain in a bit.

But first, you’re probably asking, “What is this Sonic Trick-or-Treat Blast, anyway?” Well, let me tell you. This seasonal Sonic Blast comes in either vanilla or chocolate ice cream, and features Oreo cookie crumbles, mini M&M’s, and Snickers candy bar pieces.

So, you know, two perfectly fine Halloween candies and a random creme-filled cookie.

Sonic Trick or Treat Blast Top

Like I said, though, the cookie works well in the midst of all the ice cream chaos. And really, it’s because the ice cream-softened pieces give your teeth a much needed break. If you are at all familiar with ice cream “mix-ins,” you’ll know that M&M’s — particularly those of the miniature variety — are a cracked molar just lurking in a mountain of sugary goodness. Biting into the Blast for the first time, that was my initial thought: Dear God, please protect my teeth.

Sonic Trick or Treat Blast Spoon

My next thought was, hey, was that peanut butter, and if so, why? However, a nugget of nougat quickly followed and reminded me about the presence of Snickers; I’d simply encountered a rogue nut. The Snickers was a nice respite, but unfortunately, it seemed to be the least prevalent of the three inclusions.

Sonic Trick or Treat Blast Topless

By the lower 50% of the confection, in fact, it was a virtual wasteland, void of candy (and cookie) chunks; there was nothing left but plain ice cream featuring colorful streaks from the ghosts of M&M’s past.

And truly, that was the story of this Blast: bits and piece of mostly-indiscernible sweet stuff in regular vanilla ice cream. Nothing was bad (well, with the exception of the painful candy shard factor, I suppose), but nothing was really great, either. I was left thinking the whole thing felt a little one-dimensional. My 6-year-old had a bite and said, “YUMMY!” which, sure, why not. Perhaps she’s the target audience. And so, if you are a 6-year-old reading this review, this Sonic Trick or Treat Blast is a 10. But also, if you are a 6-year-old reading this review… huh? Shouldn’t you be not on the internet at all, please? I beg of you.

Anyway, what would have made this better? Well, some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, for one. Maybe some Twix? How about a Butterfinger? You know, other actual Halloween candies. In true gluttonous American fashion, why not, as they say, go “big” or go “home”? Remember going to the soda fountain at the gas station when you were a kid and making a “suicide” with 10 different kinds of soda? Do that, but make it a Blast. That would have been a winner. Maybe next October.

Purchased Price: $4.59
Size: Small
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Unavailable on website.

REVIEW: Talenti Gelato Layers Pumpkin Pie

Brandon 3 Comments

Talenti Pumpkin Pie Gelato Layers Tub

What is Talenti Gelato Layers Pumpkin Pie

A seasonal offering from the undisputed gelato king of Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, Talenti’s layered pumpkin pie offering goes: pumpkin gelato, pie pieces, brown sugar sauce, pumpkin gelato again, and more pie pieces.

How is it?

Talenti Pumpkin Pie Gelato Layers Top

The first time I tried it, I wanted to call it “bland” or maybe “inoffensive.” You know, the Neil Diamond of frozen dairy-based confections. I didn’t like how I couldn’t easily get all three layers in one spoonful, or how the “brown sugar sauce” didn’t seem to have the cinnamon undercarriage brown sugar generally requires in a dessert setting. (Cinnamon is listed as an ingredient, for what it’s worth.) And while the pie pieces are, I don’t know, dough-like(?), overall, the texture is one-note and is missing a good crunch.

Talenti Pumpkin Pie Gelato Layers Closeup

But then I had some the next day, and although nothing in the gelato had technically changed — the brown sugar sauce and the pie pieces were still limply uninspired — I found myself thinking everything was SO GOOD! SO GOOD! (That’s a Neil Diamond reference for those of you who aren’t a 65-year-old aunt.) Instead of being upset with the gelato’s gentle nature, I found myself appreciating the subtlety of the pumpkin flavor. As an unabashed pumpkophile, I generally want my pumpkin to be aggressive and unapologetic; if you are not a fan this approach, however, you might enjoy this gelato.

Anything else you need to know?

Will Ferrell doing Neil Diamond doing an episode of VH1’s Storytellers on SNL in 1998 is seriously one of the greatest Ferrell moments in his tenure on the show. Drop whatever you’re doing, open another tab (don’t leave TIB, obviously), Google it and then watch the video. Tell me it’s not amazing, I dare you.

Conclusion:

If you want an in-your-face, violent pumpkin gelato, this probably isn’t it. But if you’re in the market for a smooth, reasonable dose of gourdy goodness, this is a good bet. (Mostly because I don’t think there is a ton of pumpkin gelato out there to choose from.)

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 280 calories, 13 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Domino’s Cheeseburger Pizza

Brandon 32 Comments

Domino s Cheeseburger Pizza Whole

There is a semi-large, local to Kansas City pizza chain that makes a really fine cheeseburger pizza. I just thought I’d throw that out there to let it be known that a tasty cheeseburger pizza is within the realm of possibility.

What this local chain does right, it’s worth noting, is add pickles (you know, sliced pickle “chips”) and gobs of mustard. Now, I’m not even a mustard and pickle person on my REGULAR cheeseburger, let alone when I consume a pizza masquerading as a cheeseburger. But on this particular pie, it works.

Sadly, unless you are in the KC Metro area, you can’t have this unorthodox delight. Instead, I present to you, Domino’s depressing new cheeseburger pizza. According to the chain, their pizza is made with “a ketchup-mustard sauce, American cheese, beef, fresh onions, diced tomatoes, shredded provolone and cheddar cheese.” Opening the box, I was pleasantly surprised to see how well it had been constructed. The smell was appealing, too, but only in a generic, “yep, that smells like a pizza, alright” sort of way.

The visual and olfactory positives would be the high points of this forgettable dining experience.

Domino s Cheeseburger Pizza Plated

The first thing I noticed when taking a bite was the overpoweringly obnoxious falsity that is American cheese. I’ve unwittingly ended up with American cheese on another Domino’s pizza at some dark point in the past, and all I really want to know is why? American cheese has its place in the world, sure – on an actual cheeseburger, mixed up in some scrambled eggs, melting messily atop a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich – but the desire to include it on a pizza is peculiar, no matter what the pizza purports to be.

The next thing I noticed was that I DIDN’T notice the sauce. As previously stated, the pizza was supposed to have a ketchup-mustard sauce. There was something under the cheese, I think, but all I really detected were subtle notes of slightly tangy wet.

Onions were present, but there were few and they added little, and the beef was your standard pre-formed, pre-cooked, straight-from-a-box, hamburger pellet that seems to find its way onto any national chain pizza when “beef” is involved. (Somewhere there is a beef pellet factory churning out hundreds of thousands of pounds of this product annually, I’m sure.)

Domino s Cheeseburger Pizza Closeup

Two things surprised me in a good way: the diced tomatoes added a pleasant and necessary juiciness to the proceedings (and I say this as someone who is generally anti-hot tomatoes in most situations) and the hand-tossed crust tasted fresh and flavorful, with a buttery, crunchy exterior and a soft, pillowy interior.

Domino s Cheeseburger Pizza Floppy

In fact, the crust was so enjoyable, and the construction and freshness of the overall pizza so impressive, I found myself excited to try Domino’s again at some point in the near future. Only, you know, not this particular pizza. And okay, probably not for full price. But the next time they run one of their 50% off specials? I will definitely consider probably giving them another shot. Maybe.

Purchased Price: $11.99 (promo price)
Size: Large
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 380 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 880 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.