Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, depending upon when you’re reading this. I’m Brandon, one of the 36 new writers Marvo hired for The Impulsive Buy.
Now, you’re probably wondering, “How did Marvo find the means to hire so many writers? Isn’t Hawaii ridiculously expensive? Is it true that he began making money through an unsanctioned horse husbandry program?”
The answers are: I’m not sure, so I’ve heard, and yes.
Anyway, this isn’t a forum for inquiries about what may or may not eventually land the editor in prison; this is my introduction, so, back to me.
I’m 34, I’m physically average, and when I’m not choking down deep-fried whatsits for spendin’ cash, I actually tend to eat rather healthy things. Uh, let’s see, I’ve got a 19-month-old and a wife and a day job where I look exasperatedly at spreadsheets. (They think you’re busy when you look harried, I’ve found.) In my free time (of which there is none) I try to keep my daughter from electrocuting herself or others, falling off of things, and eating poison.
Before coming here, I spent four years covering sports for a local entertainment website, and before that, I wrote for The Pitch Weekly, Kansas City’s largest alternative news source.
And speaking of Kansas City, well, that’s where I live. Born and raised. I spent a spell in Chicago, but I couldn’t stand being so far away from the (WORLD CHAMPION!) Kansas City Royals — or the barbecue. As you know, KC BBQ is the best in the world, so I frankly can’t wait until ________ unveils their new Pulled Pork Infused _______. I call dibs, and I promise a fair, balanced review. (I just rolled my eyes so hard I lost a contact.)
In short, and to quote a line from the great William Shakespeare, I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.