Author: Brandon

REVIEW: Wendy’s Breakfast Burrito

Brandon 23 Comments

“It’s bigger than I thought it would be,” my girlfriend said, starting down at my lap. But before you get any weird ideas, we were leaving the Wendy’s drive thru, and she was referring to the new breakfast burrito I’d recently procured. And to be fair, she was right.

While Wendy’s entry into the crowded world of breakfast burritos isn’t necessarily akin to the infant-sized behemoth you might find on a working person’s local food truck, it is close to twice the size of a McDonald’s burrito, and maybe 25% larger than oh, say, Sonic’s. (I’ve never had a Burger King breakfast burrito, provided they sell one, and it’s been a decade or more since I had Hardee’s version, so I can’t speak to that one, either.)

Unlike its closest fast food competitors — and really, unlike most other breakfast burritos in general — Wendy’s sets itself apart in a few ways. First, it’s using two “fresh cracked eggs.” Think “fried” egg instead of the scrambled you typically find in most burritos. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’ll love this; personally, I found myself missing the consistent bite provided by the scrambled kind.

Second, it’s including its “seasoned breakfast potatoes” in the mix. If you haven’t had the chain’s answer to the standard hash brown, you might be pleasantly surprised. The right amount of seasoned, the right amount of externally crispy, and the right amount of internally fluffy, these wedge-like tubers fill up space within the burrito normally occupied by scrambled egg. Without them — due to the flat nature of the fried eggs — this burrito would be quite thin.

And finally, Wendy’s is setting itself apart by employing a “Swiss cheese sauce.” The idea of a Swiss cheese sauce is pretty intriguing, don’t get me wrong, but I was hard-pressed to notice it in the mix. All I really noticed from a cheese perspective was the American. It did what American cheese always does — it got melty and gooey and served its purpose well.

Same goes for the bacon. Wendy’s uses “Applewood smoked” bacon, which are oven-baked. Wendy’s bacon is pretty good, if you’ve never had it. It comes across as less genetically engineered than McDonald’s, and thicker than Burger King’s. Wendy’s claims there are six strips in the burrito, but that wasn’t my experience. Either their strips are an inch long or they’re fudging the numbers, but I don’t know that I believe mine had anything close to that number.

It’s also worth noting that Wendy’s is including a Cholula hot sauce packet with your burrito. I’m not normally a “hot/taco/picante sauce on my burrito” kinda guy, but I tried it for the sake of science, and predictably, it didn’t really do much to elevate my experience. If you’re a Cholula on your breakfast burrito person, though, this is a thoughtful inclusion.

While this burrito was fine, I’d only eat one again if I found myself requiring a fast-food breakfast and there was nary a McDonald’s in sight. It wasn’t good enough to make me seek out another one, and when it comes to a new product, that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 700 calories, 40 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2210 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of total carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 32 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, and Trix Loaded Cereals

Brandon 7 Comments

In my last review on this very site, a review for a healthy cereal, I made fun of “the new Trix that is stuffed with frosting.” And while I am still enjoying my box of Cheerios Loaded with Nuts, when I saw the new General Mills Loaded Cereals on the shelf, I laughed and figured “in for a penny, in for a pound.” Wait, no, that’s not it. When in Rome? Whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger? Maybe that one. Because the jaw-rattling sweetness on these new Krave knock-offs is enough to kill me. (Or at least leave me in mild discomfort.)

All three varieties — Trix, Cocoa Puffs, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch — are squared puffs filled with “vanilla creme.” The image on the box promises a creme that will decadently ooze from each piece. In what is probably a quite obvious development, this doesn’t happen. Despite this structural design flaw, is this cereal worth buying? Let’s dig in.

Trix Loaded

The world’s foremost cereal mascotted by a deranged woodland creature tastes the most like its forebearer. When you first pop one into your mouth, you get the unmistakable artificial fruit taste of Trix. As you bite in, however, you get the vanilla creme, which tastes like sweet. That’s right, it tastes like sweet. There is no discernible vanilla flavor; it tastes, in fact, like someone managed to stuff a piece of the outer shell from a Little Debbies Zebra Cake into the inside of a Trix. That doesn’t sound appealing, necessarily, but it’s better than you might think. This was the best of the three.

Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup) 180 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Cocoa Puffs Loaded

Like the Trix version, this one tasted quite a bit like the cereal from which it was born. And while the concept of a vanilla filling seems like it would be an excellent compliment to a chocolate cereal, something about it just didn’t seem to click as well. I noticed the aggressive sweetness of the filling more with this one, I think, which was a detraction. After a few spoonfuls, I realized I probably didn’t need to try this one again.

Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup) 180 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Loaded

This was the biggest disappointment of the group. First of all, CTC is the best cereal in General Mills’ catalogue, and maybe even the best cereal ever. Second, the idea of adding FROSTING to a cereal flavored like cinnamon toast sort of makes you think this would strongly evoke a cinnamon roll itself, right? Well, it doesn’t. Part of what makes CTC so good is the almost extreme amount of Cinnadusting on each heavenly square. These Loaded pillows have but a FRACTION of the namesake’s powder. On every fifth piece you go, oh, right, cinnamon; but by and large, these things are tasteless. Well, except for the overbearing “sweet” from the filling. Like a grandmother meeting Tom Selleck at a Blue Bloods fan convention, it is loud and proud.

Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup) 180 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

All three were purchased at Walmart for $4.93.

REVIEW: Cheerios Maple Cinnamon Hearty Nut Medley Cereal

Brandon 3 Comments

It’s Resolution Season, where people rich and poor, young and old, thin and unthin alike proclaim that they will stop smoking, quit cussing, read more, hit the gym, drink less booze, floss daily, spend less on the Lotto, and various other acts of self-improvement/self-harm reduction. For many, “eat healthier” is a popular pledge, and why shouldn’t it be: with the exception of unsalted raw vegetables and nuts, everything we eat is basically garbage. But if you’re in this camp — either because your doctor is telling you that you’re fine to avoid making 5-year-goals or just because you’ve got a pair of Jordache hip-huggers you’re hoping to rock by St. Paddy’s Day — Cheerios has got your back.

2024 has the oat circle cereal brand imbuing it popular cereal with veggies (the new Veggie Blend line featuring Apple Strawberry and Blueberry Banana), and the one I tried that is filled with nuts — the Maple Cinnamon Hearty Nut Medley.

The Maple Cinnamon Hearty Nut Medley Cheerios Cereal — heretofore known as MCHNMC² — features “Crispy Flakes, Cheerios Cereal, Flavorful Almonds, and Hearty Pumpkin Seeds.” That’s right, THOSE pumpkin seeds. And look — if you’re a little perturbed by the idea or simply not sold on their inclusion, fret not: there were, like, eight seeds in my entire bag. That’s it. I don’t know if this was a production issue or if it’s par for the course, but for something that made my eyebrow initially arch mistrustfully, I wasn’t sad there weren’t more.

There were plenty of almonds, however, which is a more common and accepted health cereal nut. They were fine; requisitely tasty and with a crunch that held up in a standard milk-soak. Where this cereal really shined, though, was with the flakes and Cheerios. The flakes were the surprising winner from a cereal that mostly deals in rings. Thicker than Wheaties and smaller than Total, this seemed like a new flake to me. (Though I’ll be the first to admit there are other flake-heavy cereals in the General Mills catalogue with which I am unfamiliar – Raisin Nut Bran and Fiber One, for example.) Whatever it was, it was stellar — crispy with the barest hint of cinnamon. The Cheerios had the same amount of flavoring — enough to add a little excitement to the start of my year, but not enough to make me question if I was really making a healthy choice.

While I didn’t notice much in the way of “maple,” I still found this cereal to be a pleasant, healthy-ish alternative to, oh, say, the new Trix that is stuffed with frosting. (Which, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure is sinfully delightful.)

MCHNMC² was a nice surprise to start my year, and sliding into my Bugle Boys by spring makes the choice that much sweeter.

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 20 oz box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (54g) 210 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Little Debbie Cherry Cordials Ice Cream

Brandon 2 Comments

For better or worse, I have had every Little Debbie ice cream flavor since its partnership with Hudsonville took flight a couple of years ago. The most interesting part of the whole thing isn’t the novelty of turning America’s most beloved snack cakes into ice cream, though — at least not for me. It is that there is seemingly no correlation between my personal enjoyment of a snack cake flavor and its corresponding ice cream.

To wit, Fudge Rounds, my favorite Little Debbie, is one my least favorite of the ice creams. Ditto Oatmeal Creme Pie. Star Crunch, which I find okay but would never intentionally purchase a box of, has been my unparalleled ice cream favorite.

Another wrinkle to add to this already-too-complex equation: I have also tended to really enjoy ice creams stemming from snack cake varieties I’ve never eaten. This happened recently with the Apple Pie and Chocolate Chip Creme Pie offerings. The ice creams were stellar; the snack cakes from whence they sprung, however, remain unconsumed by me.

So, if I tell you that I’ve never had a Cherry Cordials snack cake, well, maybe you can guess where this is going.

Hudsonville’s website says the new Cherry Cordials Ice Cream is “Cherry flavored ice cream with cookie pieces, chocolatey flakes and a cherry variegate.” I had to look up “variegate,” by the way. To save you the same effort, should we be shipmates, here you go: “In the food industry, variegates (also referred t’o as ribbons, ribbonettes, swirls, spirals, revels, etc.), are textured flavor dimensions primarily used in ice cream and frozen desserts.” Okay, this is a cherry ice cream with cookie pieces, chocolatey flakes, and a cherry ribbon.

The ice cream base has a mild cherry flavor, like kissing your aunt who just had a Wild Cherry Halls cough drop. The “chocolatey” chips are your standard issue chocolate chips you’d get with any other kind of ice cream. There are many of them; they are of varying sizes and taste semi-sweet. The cookie pieces don’t have much of a standalone taste, but the crunchy texture provided a nice respite. And the textured flavor dimension, see, that’s where the magic happens. If you like hardcore artificial cherry flavor, you’ll be in heaven. My only complaint, as it is whenever there is an enjoyable component with these Little Debbie ice creams, is that I could have done with quite a bit more of the cherry variegate. I guess you could say it was varie-good?

I’ll show myself out.

Purchased Price: $2.74
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (97g) 230 calories, 11 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Hot Ones Hot Pockets

Brandon 8 Comments

These new spicy Hot Pockets are way more complicated than you were expecting. Not in taste though. That’s straightforward. What’s complicated is everything else. Allow me to explain.

First, like a music festival or an early 2000s Southern rap album, these Hot Pockets are presented by someone other than Nestle alone. These are all branded as “First We Feast presents: Hot Ones,” then the name of the type of Hot Pocket. And then, if that wasn’t enough, each one is “made with” some sort of non-Hot Pocket sauce. The Hot Habanero Pepperoni & Sausage is made with “Los Calientes Rojo,” the Smoky Green Chili Cheesesteak is made with “Los Calientes Verde,” and the Spicy Garlic Chicken & Bacon is made with “The Classic Garlic Fresno.”

I know, I’m sorry. It’s a lot.

In case you’re like me and wildly disconnected from most modern media, allow me to explain. (By copy/pasting from Google.) “First We Feast is an online food-culture magazine and YouTube channel. The site co-produces the YouTube series Hot Ones with Complex Media, its parent company.”

Okay, so in retrospect, I’ve heard of this. Hot Ones is the thing where celebrities eat really hot wings and, I don’t know… it’s funny? It’s touching? Whatever it is, it’s a lucrative enterprise. Because here we are, with branded Hot Pockets.

The Hot Habanero Pepperoni & Sausage

This thing OOZED sauce — cloyingly sweet sauce. I think my entire Hot Pocket had two small shards of pepperoni and three, maybe four sausage chunks. The pepperoni and sausage are the same meats used in all other Hot Pockets, so if you’ve had any of those, you know the drill. Salty, chewy, nothing to write home about. But really, this sauce. Oof. And how was the hotness? I mean, that’s really the whole point, right? It was… noticeable but not overly aggressive. The box suggested that the heat level was a 5 out of 10 — the same as the Smoky Green Chili Cheesesteak — and I don’t feel like the heat matched at ALL. It was much milder. So, if you had this one and found it tolerable from a heat perspective, please don’t assume the cheesesteak one will be the same. It’s not.

Smoky Green Chili Cheesesteak

This one BURNED. The heat kicked in fast and was prevalent throughout. What I found interesting, though, was how quickly the heat subsided. It didn’t last more than 20 or 30 seconds after each bite. The steak was the same nib-like meat they use in the delightful Jalapeño Steak & Cheese variety, which I sadly cannot find anywhere around here anymore. In fact, this was reminiscent of that, though it’s missing the cheese sauce, which is a shame. And there didn’t seem to be as much steak. And this had a green chili that mostly just blended in. So, okay, I guess it’s not much like the Jalapeño Steak & Cheese at all. Nor is it good.

Spicy Garlic Chicken & Bacon

At least this one tried something different? Although I didn’t really get much heat from this — it was a 2 out of 10 on their arbitrary Hot Ones scale — it had the most nuance, mostly due to a mild smoky component, though I don’t know if this came from the chicken, the bacon, or the garlic sauce. (For what it’s worth, there were no discernible pieces of bacon, and the chicken’s prevalence was about as impressive as the sausage and pepperoni inclusion on that version.) This was the winner of the bunch — not that that’s saying much.

Purchased Price: $2.98 each
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Pepperoni and Sausage), 4 out of 10 (Green Chili Cheesesteak), 5 out of 10 (Garlic Chicken and Bacon)
Nutrition Facts: Pepperoni & Sausage – 290 calories, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein. Green Chili Cheesesteak – 280 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein. Garlic Chicken & Bacon – 280 calories, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein.