Author: Brandon

REVIEW: Hot Ones Hot Pockets

Brandon 8 Comments

These new spicy Hot Pockets are way more complicated than you were expecting. Not in taste though. That’s straightforward. What’s complicated is everything else. Allow me to explain.

First, like a music festival or an early 2000s Southern rap album, these Hot Pockets are presented by someone other than Nestle alone. These are all branded as “First We Feast presents: Hot Ones,” then the name of the type of Hot Pocket. And then, if that wasn’t enough, each one is “made with” some sort of non-Hot Pocket sauce. The Hot Habanero Pepperoni & Sausage is made with “Los Calientes Rojo,” the Smoky Green Chili Cheesesteak is made with “Los Calientes Verde,” and the Spicy Garlic Chicken & Bacon is made with “The Classic Garlic Fresno.”

I know, I’m sorry. It’s a lot.

In case you’re like me and wildly disconnected from most modern media, allow me to explain. (By copy/pasting from Google.) “First We Feast is an online food-culture magazine and YouTube channel. The site co-produces the YouTube series Hot Ones with Complex Media, its parent company.”

Okay, so in retrospect, I’ve heard of this. Hot Ones is the thing where celebrities eat really hot wings and, I don’t know… it’s funny? It’s touching? Whatever it is, it’s a lucrative enterprise. Because here we are, with branded Hot Pockets.

The Hot Habanero Pepperoni & Sausage

This thing OOZED sauce — cloyingly sweet sauce. I think my entire Hot Pocket had two small shards of pepperoni and three, maybe four sausage chunks. The pepperoni and sausage are the same meats used in all other Hot Pockets, so if you’ve had any of those, you know the drill. Salty, chewy, nothing to write home about. But really, this sauce. Oof. And how was the hotness? I mean, that’s really the whole point, right? It was… noticeable but not overly aggressive. The box suggested that the heat level was a 5 out of 10 — the same as the Smoky Green Chili Cheesesteak — and I don’t feel like the heat matched at ALL. It was much milder. So, if you had this one and found it tolerable from a heat perspective, please don’t assume the cheesesteak one will be the same. It’s not.

Smoky Green Chili Cheesesteak

This one BURNED. The heat kicked in fast and was prevalent throughout. What I found interesting, though, was how quickly the heat subsided. It didn’t last more than 20 or 30 seconds after each bite. The steak was the same nib-like meat they use in the delightful Jalapeño Steak & Cheese variety, which I sadly cannot find anywhere around here anymore. In fact, this was reminiscent of that, though it’s missing the cheese sauce, which is a shame. And there didn’t seem to be as much steak. And this had a green chili that mostly just blended in. So, okay, I guess it’s not much like the Jalapeño Steak & Cheese at all. Nor is it good.

Spicy Garlic Chicken & Bacon

At least this one tried something different? Although I didn’t really get much heat from this — it was a 2 out of 10 on their arbitrary Hot Ones scale — it had the most nuance, mostly due to a mild smoky component, though I don’t know if this came from the chicken, the bacon, or the garlic sauce. (For what it’s worth, there were no discernible pieces of bacon, and the chicken’s prevalence was about as impressive as the sausage and pepperoni inclusion on that version.) This was the winner of the bunch — not that that’s saying much.

Purchased Price: $2.98 each
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Pepperoni and Sausage), 4 out of 10 (Green Chili Cheesesteak), 5 out of 10 (Garlic Chicken and Bacon)
Nutrition Facts: Pepperoni & Sausage – 290 calories, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein. Green Chili Cheesesteak – 280 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein. Garlic Chicken & Bacon – 280 calories, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Chex Mix Remix (Zesty Taco and Cheesy PIzza)

Brandon 3 Comments

I will, without a shred of embarrassment or apology, declare the following: I will consume, with great zeal and mania, anything flavored like taco or pizza. That’s right. Taco-flavored chicken nuggets? Heck yeah, I would. Pizza-flavored soup? You bet. Taco-flavored pizza? Wait, that’s already a thing. And I LOVE it.

I love Chex Mix, too, but I’m not a huge consumer of the pre-packaged, factory-made variety. Oh sure, I’ll pick up a bag of Bold Party Blend if I see it on sale, but for the most part, I prefer the stuff my dad makes giant tubs of around Christmas.

But are these two new Chex Mix Remix varieties, Zesty Taco and Cheesy Pizza, good enough to make me buy again? Let’s see.

Zesty Taco

In addition to the two types of Chex in this affair — Taco Seasoning and Salsa flavored — Chex is getting wild by adding two previously unused snack pieces, Cheese Puffs and Corn Shell Chips. While I love the idea of breaking new barriers, the execution on both the puffs and the chips (think of a less-salty, less-crunchy Fritos) is a little lackluster. The puffs’ cheese flavor is mild and almost unnoticeable, and the corn chip is the same.

The Chex pieces, though, are BANANAS. The Taco Seasoning pieces perfectly embody that classic taco seasoning flavor profile — onion, garlic, and cumin — and the Salsa pieces… I don’t even know where to begin with these things. While these may be too much for timid consumers, I loved how over-the-top they were.

Cheesy Pizza

Like the ZTR, the CPR had two Chex piece components — Pizza Sauce and Garlic & Herb Chex — and two new inclusions, Pizza Crust Bagel Chips and Cheese Puffs. (Okay, these may’ve been the same Cheese Puffs from the ZTR, but honestly, I couldn’t tell. The Puffs from the Pizza Chex tasted cheesier, but it may have also just been a result of how they interplayed with the rest of the mix; I’m unsure.)

The Pizza Sauce Chex was the most disappointing piece of the eight total components. They weren’t bad, but they just needed a little more oomph. And while I loved the Bagel Chips, there were far too few. Like the Salsa Chex from the ZTR, the real winner here was the Garlic & Herb Chex. Garlicky and herby, these things screamed at my taste buds in the most delightful way possible.

If I have one complaint about these new Chex Mix Remix offerings, a single thing keeping them from each being a point better, it’s the lack of pretzels. Even though I’m not sure they would have fit thematically (particularly with the Taco kind), I found myself missing them from a texture perspective. Even still, I found both of these Remix varieties incredible. Now that you’ve read the review, please go buy several bags of each so that General Mills continues to make them. Thanks!

Purchased Price: $5.29 (Zesty Taco), $4.19 (Cheesy Pizza)
Size: 7 oz bag
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Zesty Taco), 8 out of 10 (Cheesy Pizza)
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Nutrition Facts: (30g) Zesty Taco – 130 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Cheesy Pizza – 130 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Doritos Dinamita Sticks (Smoky Chile Queso, Tangy Fiery Lime, and Hot Honey Mustard)

Brandon 6 Comments

In 1971, Goodmark Foods introduced Andy Capp’s Fries, a “unique alternative to potato chips” that “look like French fries, but crunch like chips.” Named for the English comic strip character — and perhaps peculiarly so, given their namesake’s penchant for drinking, gambling, borrowing money, fighting with his wife, flirting with young barmaids, etc. — Capp’s Fries have gone through several iterations throughout the years including Hot, Salsa, White Cheddar Steak, and Ranch, to name but a few.

Fifty-two years later, and no longer satisfied with its lack of footing in the crunchy snack-stick arena, Doritos is throwing its hat in the ring with three new stick-takes on its Dinamita line -— Smoky Chili Queso, Tangy Fiery Lime, and Hot Honey Mustard. Did the wait pay off? It did.

First, a note about all three Dinamita Sticks — because these are corn instead of potato-based, they run a little denser than those from its alcoholic British comic-strip counterpart. A closer comparison texturally would be Chester’s Flamin’ Hot Fries, another Frito-Lay product. But these are a bit heavier still. Reading the ingredient list tells me that Chester’s employs dried potato in addition to enriched corn meal. The nice thing about the Dinamita Sticks’ density is that they give you a fuller feeling than Andy Capp’s or Chester’s.

Smoky Chili Queso

I don’t know that I detected any smoky, but man, were these ever chili queso, with a pronounced emphasis on the chili. The first second or two is delightfully cheesy, and then comes the heat. And it’s a big heat, like an Arizona sidewalk on the 4th of July. It’s fast and it lasts. While I found the heat level enjoyable, it might be too much if you’re even slightly heat-averse. You have been forewarned.

Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (28 grams) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Tangy Fiery Lime

Full disclosure: I’m not a lime guy. Well, okay, unless it’s in pie form. In which case, sign me up. But I’ve never been big on spicy things with a lime infusion. These things, however? They may have made me a convert. The lime in the TFL Dinamita is strong, but serves as a great complement to a heat that comes across as a bit sweeter than the spicy punch of the SCQ. It takes longer to build, too and is extinguished with each limey pop of a new Dinamita. I was surprised by how much I ended up liking these things.

Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (28 grams) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, <1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Hot Honey Mustard

Did you hear that crack? That was the sound of a home run leaving the bat. THESE THINGS. It’s like a sweeter McDonald’s Hot Mustard nugget sauce, only in crunch form. So. it’s THAT kind of mustard — the sinus-burning, Chinese kind that those of us in the know dip their egg rolls and Rangoons into. There’s a sweet, honey-esque undertone that adds a welcome complexity. While I really found things to enjoy about all three Dinamitas, this one was my favorite.

Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (28 grams) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Purchased at: All were purchased at Walmart
Purchased Price: $3.88 each

REVIEW: Little Debbie Turtle Brownies, Apple Fruit Pies, and Chocolate Chip Creme Pies Ice Creams

Brandon 3 Comments

Conceptually, the idea of Little Debbie Ice Cream is pretty wonderful. You take everyone’s favorite low-rent snack cake, deconstruct it into nuggets or swirls, and commingle it with a complimentary ice cream flavor from Hudsonville Ice Cream. Unfortunately, the execution just isn’t always there. The “icing” from the Zebra Cake variety, for example— which I think is the same stuff from the belly of the Strawberry Shortcake Roll— assumes a strange and unpleasant consistency when married with the ice cream; the rainbow sprinkles from the Cosmic Brownies become insufferably hard, a veritable cracked molar waiting to happen.

The fact of the matter is, as much as I want to love these things — especially at a $2.74 Walmart price-point — the only one I’ve ever felt compelled to buy more than once is Star Crunch. For whatever reason, I find that one to be heavenly, so good, in fact, that I have to force myself to refrain from consuming an entire pint in one sitting.

Will any of the three new flavors buck the trend of general disappointment?

Turtle Brownies

Hudsonville Ice Cream’s website describes it as follows: “Brownie batter flavored ice cream with brownie dough and crushed peanuts throughout, finished with a caramel swirl.” Look, I’m not gonna lie: I’m not entirely sure how this ice cream was “brownie batter flavored” as opposed to just, you know, chocolate. There was a very small amount of tasty brownie dough (it tastes like they use actual Little Debbie brownie, in fact) interspersed throughout, and… maybe a few peanuts? I couldn’t find many at all. Ditto for the “caramel swirl.” This could have used more of both. And because it needed a little more everything, this one came up a bit short.

Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 230 calories, 10 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 20 grams of sugar (17 grams of added sugar), and 4 grams of protein.

Apple Fruit Pies

Here’s the thing — I don’t even know if I’ve ever had a Little Debbie apple fruit pie. (Or any of her fruit pies, for that matter.) I was always a wax-papered Hostess hand-pie guy. So I didn’t really know what to expect here. Hudsonville says this one is “Cinnamon vanilla ice cream with an apple pie filling swirl and pie crumbs throughout.”

My first few bites garnered nothing but ice cream, which, let me say this — the ice cream in these has always impressed me, particularly at this price. It’s creamy and thick and is pretty damn good, frankly. This was no different. But it took a bit for me to find any apple pie filling swirl or the pie crumbs. But when I did, I was pleased. The apple swirl was requisitely apple pie filling-like, both in taste and texture, and the pie crumbs were thick, with a bit of a crunch and a subtle graham flavor. The only thing keeping this from being elevated into the stratosphere of “I’m clearing space in the freezer for six more of these” was the sorrowful lack of mix-in. Even still, it was a winner.

Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar (17 grams of added sugar), and 4 grams of protein.

Chocolate Chip Creme Pie

Like the Apple Fruit Pie, I’ve never had a Chocolate Chip Creme Pie from The Debster. The fact of the matter is, if I’m gonna consume a circular El Deb pie with a “creme” component, it’s going to be of the Oatmeal Creme variety, OR its chocolate sister, the Fudge Round. I may need to branch out after having this revelatory ice cream, however. Described as “Vanilla creme flavored ice cream filled with chocolate chip cookie pieces,” it was my favorite of the three. The “chocolate chip cookie pieces” were plentiful. There were a LOT of chocolate chips throughout, a few hundred, at least. Really, this just ended up tasting like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with a bonus creme component, which was very enjoyable.

Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 240 calories, 11 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar (20 grams of added sugar), and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Reese’s Cookie Dough Poppins

Brandon 3 Comments

Reese’s Cookie Dough Poppins Pouch with the Pillsbury Doughboy on it. Oddly other than the logo on the Doughboy's hat, there isn't any other Pillsbury logo on the pouch.

What is it?

Despite the cutesy “Poppins” moniker, Reese’s Cookie Dough Poppins are just… little balls of ready-to-eat peanut butter cookie dough, no more, no less. Is it just me or has it only been within the past few years that companies began selling “safe to eat raw” cookie dough nuggets? Why did it take them so long to start doing this?

How is it?

In the case of this one, they probably should have kept fine-tuning the recipe before release. While there was nothing inherently bad or offensive about this particular Poppins, there wasn’t really much to love, either. The texture is a familiar one in line with any kind of unbaked cookie dough — though I was expecting a bit more grittiness — but the taste is lackluster.

Brown balls of edible cookie dough.

Look, I don’t know how you describe the taste of peanut butter as anything other than “like peanut butter,” but this was like half the taste of peanut butter. Maybe peanut, no butter. That’s not quite it, but I don’t know how to explain it. The PB flavor was there initially, but it just trailed off at the end.

Anything else you need to know?

You can’t bake these. Also, while there are a few safe-to-eat raw cookie dough products on the market that you can bake, there are many others that aren’t meant to be eaten raw. There’s a chance you could get some Salmonella from the eggs or flour or, perhaps more seriously, E. coli from the latter. Thankfully, the only risk with this edible Reese’s dough is the disappointment of spending over $7 on something you shouldn’t spend more than a buck on.

Conclusion:

Even though these aren’t the worst things I’ve ever eaten, I’d never buy them again, and never in good conscience could I recommend that anyone spend $7 on them. But if I was at a party, and they had a tray of Poppins (not sure what strange party this is, but just pretend), I might eat, like, a couple. But only if it was the only dessert. You know, at the world’s weirdest party.

Purchased Price: $7.49
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (5 pieces) 120 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 9 grams of total sugars, 0 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.