Author: Brandon

REVIEW: Papa Johns Doritos Cool Ranch Papadia

Brandon 2 Comments

Before consuming the new Doritos Cool Ranch Papadia, I’d never tried a Papadia. Is it because it’s an awful name, and I genuinely dislike ordering terribly named things? Maybe. It’s why I never wanted to order the Arby-Q or the Bell Beefer.

My first thought was, why not call this what it is — an unsealed calzone? And then I had THIS brilliant realization — ohhhh, it’s an Italian quesadilla… a Papadia! That, however, is incorrect. According to the Internet, the Papadia name was inspired by the piadina, a folded flatbread sandwich native to northern Italy.

And while I stand by my assertion that this is a stupidly named food object, I’m glad I ordered it. Because the Papadia — specifically this new Cool Ranch Doritos variety — was tasty.

Available as preset chicken, steak, or beef varieties (with the option to construct your own), the Cool Ranch Papadia is a “Flatbread-style sandwich covered with bold ranch seasoning, loaded with Doritos Cool Ranch Flavored Dressing, melty cheese, ripe tomatoes, onions & chicken.” Web copy also suggests, “Comes with a side of Doritos Cool Ranch Flavored Dressing for dipping.”

I’m sorry to say that my store didn’t have the Cool Ranch-flavored dipping sauce. Instead, I was given a tub of regular ranch and a half-hearted shrug.

The shell’s exterior was heavily dusted with Cool Ranch powder and was way ranchier than Taco Bell’s Cool Ranch shell. It carried with it all of the zestiness one would expect from its namesake chip. If you have an aversion to Cool Ranch, you’re going to have a bad time with this thing. (I might also ask what you were thinking by ordering it to begin with, though.)

The inside was about what you’d expect from a Papa Johns pizza, ingredient-wise, meaning— the chicken was a little prefabricated tasting but identifiably chicken, the onions seemed fresh, and the tomatoes… okay, well, look: I hate hot tomatoes. I would never intentionally order tomatoes on a pizza. But because we at The Impulsive Buy order the food unamended, there they were. And the tomatoes were of fine quality, don’t get me wrong. They’re just not for me, you know?

The ranch sauce was evenly applied throughout and complemented the other toppings (innards?) nicely. I wouldn’t say it wasn’t distinguishably “Cool Ranch,” but honestly, it was a bit hard to isolate the sauce.

One thing I found curious about the preset arrangement was the lack of bacon. Chicken, bacon, and ranch is a classic culinary trio that’s pretty hard to beat on a sandwich, in a salad, on a pizza, or in a chalupa. Maybe it was a cost-saving measure; if so, thumbs down. That said, this was a really enjoyable item overall. I’ll order it again before it leaves — only this time, I’ll swap the retched tomatoes for bacon, pocketbook be damned.

Purchased Price: $7.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 840 calories, 32 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 140 milligrams of cholesterol, 2330 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 55 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Blackout Cake Oreo Cookies

Brandon 10 Comments

Quick show of hands. Who knows what a blackout cake is?

Okay. Now how many NON-New Yorkers know what a blackout cake is? As a tried and true Midwesterner, I’d heard the name, but that was about it. Before researching, I assumed that it derived its moniker from being extremely chocolatey; and while it is, in fact, quite chocolatey indeed, the “Brooklyn” Blackout Cake, as it is also known, received its name during WW2 when, per a Politico article, “blackout drills were performed in homes around the borough to avoid silhouetting battleships leaving from the Brooklyn Navy Yard.” Ebinger’s, a beloved Brooklyn bakery chain, applied the name to a popular cake of its design, a multi-layer chocolate affair with pudding between the layers and chocolate cake crumbs on its exterior.

Although Ebinger’s closed shop decades ago, the cake is still made by cake makers worldwide. But if you’re not near a bakery — or you don’t want to buy a whole cake, or your preferred bakery doesn’t MAKE a blackout cake — you’re in luck. Because, like most other desserts and dessert-adjacent products, it’s an Oreo now.

But, okay — how does “pudding” translate into an Oreo creme filling? Well, quite honestly, it doesn’t. Pudding is much more of a texture thing, right? And Oreo creme is Oreo creme. Oh sure, sometimes it has little crunchy bits, but the creme can’t go more gelatinous or pudding-esque. So instead of anything evoking an essence of pudding, you’ve got two fairly indiscernible chocolate cremes — one a bit dark (the devil’s food component? They call it “dark chocolate” on the website) — and the other a bit light. They both taste like run-of-the-mill chocolate Oreo filling, and I really couldn’t even tell one was “dark” chocolate.

There’s nothing interesting or new about the crunchy outer exterior, either; it is, unapologetically, a standard chocolate Oreo cookie.

So then, you may be wondering, what’s the point of this Oreo? And to you, I say, I really don’t know. This is a chocolate Oreo with chocolate creme filling. Someone I was sharing them with suggested that they thought one of the cremes was similar to the brownie component of Oreo’s Brookie-O cookie, but that seemed like wishful thinking to me.

In the end, this is a fine product because it’s a chocolate creme Oreo. And those are tasty. But unless you’re a diehard Oreo completist, it’s not the end of the world if you miss out on this release. And if you’re in the market to waste some calories on Oreo cookies, there are plenty of better options. Or if you’re feeling REALLY wild, maybe seek out a blackout cake itself.

Purchased Price: $4.58
Size: 12.2 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) – 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Girl Scouts Raspberry Rally Cookies

Brandon 8 Comments

There’s a common misconception that, as the father of a Girl Scout (Brownie, technically), I am privy to cookie discounts. This is patently false. In fact, what ACTUALLY happens is that I end up having to buy more cookies than just about anyone else. Here’s how that transpires.

“Dad, I’m only ten boxes away from the next prize.”

“Which is?”

“At 100 boxes, I get a glow-in-the-dark cup.”

So I sigh, pull out my wallet, and fork over the whatever-amount-needed to ensure that she can obtain what theoretically amounts to a $600 plastic cup.

The good news is that Girl Scout cookies are wonderful. Well, some of them. Peanut Butter Patties (aka Tagalongs), Caramel deLites (aka Samoas), and Thin Mints are all excellent selections, obviously, and there are others that will do in a pinch. It is from the Thin Mint that ABC Bakers draws inspiration for its latest offering: the Raspberry Rally.

Marketed as “the thin, crispy cookie infused with raspberry flavor and dipped in chocolaty coating,” and “a ‘sister’ cookie to Thin Mints, our #1 bestseller,” “the raspberry kind,” as it is sure to nearly always be called, is an online only offering this Girl Scout cookie season.

So is it worth it?

If you like raspberry-flavored things, or the concept of a Thin Mint but inexplicably find mint to be disagreeable, the answer is yes, you’ll probably like this cookie.

The cookie itself is indistinguishable in appearance and construct from its minty sister. The outside of the thin cookie is the slightly waxy (yet delicious) “chocolaty” coating that you will recognize if you’re a connoisseur of Girl Scout cookies.

The inside, however, is where things get crazy. Instead of the near-black wafer of a Thin Mint, you’re blasted with a vivid pink middle. The artificial raspberry flavor is strong upon the first bite and grows stronger still as you consume. It’s almost *too* much, and I say this as an unapologetic fan of most artificial fruit flavoring.

And really, that’s the tale of the Raspberry Rally — it is a Thin Mint, only raspberry flavored. Very strong raspberry flavoring, though. It’s worth a go if you like fruity chocolate cookies or are a Girl Scout cookie completist, but I don’t know that I’ll feel compelled to buy an entire box each season. You know, unless it means my daughter is only one box away from a $300 eraser in the shape of a bee.

Purchased Price: $6.00
Size: 9 oz box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (4 cookies) 160 calories, 8 grams of total fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of total carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 10 grams of total sugar, and 2 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Sonic BBQ Chip Seasoned Tots

Brandon 4 Comments

A BBQ chip is a unique flavor proposition. There’s something underneath the tangy/zesty/spicy/sweet/smoky flavor you get with a normal BBQ sauce or rub. It’s something more buttery, I think, or at least that’s the best way I can describe it. And really, I’m not explaining it well, which, for a guy who gets paid to write about food, is pretty sad. But I feel like I’m trying to describe how a rainbow sounds or a leprechaun smells — it’s just impossible.

But what I’m trying to say is that the BBQ of a BBQ chip doesn’t taste like the same BBQ of a BBQ rib.

To better explain this, I tried to get help from ChatGPT, the internet’s hottest new chatbot, and this is what it said: “I’m sorry, but as an AI language model, I cannot make subjective claims about taste or food preferences. However, I can suggest a possible way to express the idea that BBQ chips and BBQ ribs have different flavors: One possible equation could be: BBQ chips ? BBQ ribs.

The future is now, people!

With all of this in mind, the real question is, can the folks at Sonic replicate the taste of a BBQ chip in tot form?

Well, the first thing they’ve got going for them is that a tot is a kin to chips, what with both coming from the potato. And Sonic’s tots are arguably its best side. The tots in my order — as they often are — were perfectly cooked, with a pillowy, steaming hot inside and a crisp golden exterior. What was interesting and unexpected to me about the BBQ Chip Tot was that this wasn’t a dry seasoning.

Instead, the tots are tossed in a BBQ chip seasoning sauce. (But not a BBQ sauce, get it?) The sauce — which is orange-red in hue — tastes exactly like a BBQ chip, almost to a disturbing degree. It’s delightful, though, and really what we hoped for, right? For the thing to taste like the thing it was trying to taste like? It was a little sweet and a little smoky, with that maybe-buttery undertone that smelled like a freshly cracked bag of whatever your favorite BBQ chip is (and nothing like a leprechaun’s odor, which I think is an earthy-minty smell, Aqua Velva, and the sour BO of a drunk uncle). This tot understood the assignment.

My only complaint is that, unless you get good coverage from the sauce applicator, you’re gonna end up with some dry tots. And my order had a lot. In fact, I felt like only a quarter of my order was adequately covered. If I get back to Sonic before these are gone, I’ll ask them to be more liberal with their sauce gun.

Although we’re still months away from Summer, it’s never seasonally inappropriate to have some BBQ. And if you’re looking for an interesting vehicle with which to imbibe, Sonic’s got you covered.

Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: Medium
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 460 calories, 29 grams of total fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 1130 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of total carbs, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of total sugar, and 3 gram of protein.

REVIEW: KFC Classic and Spicy Slaw Wraps

Brandon 12 Comments

This ain’t KFC’s first wrap rodeo.

See, a long time ago — close to 20 years ago, in fact — the Colonel (or a zombie approximation of the Colonel OR some marketers in the R&D department) created the Twister. It was a tortilla stuffed with chicken strips, lettuce, tomatoes, sauce, and shredded cheese.

There were different versions of it — a rendition featuring BBQ sauce and one that featured a spicy sauce. Then there was one with mac and cheese inside, too. Then the Twisters became “burritos” at some point, and then maybe they reverted back to Twisters again? I don’t know. It all gets fuzzy. Anyway, they went away in the States but remained (and remain) on the menu at some international locations, exotic locales like New Zealand and Canada.

And now they’re back in the United States… at least temporarily.

But okay, they’re smaller. Remember the beloved McDonald’s Snack Wrap that went away in 2016 much to the dismay of nearly everyone? I think these are about the same size. So if you’re hungry, you’re gonna want to do the two-wrap combo with a side and a drink. Or maybe just the wrap pair, which is being sold 2 for $5 at most places throughout the country. Then you can pair them at home with a bowl of applesauce, a handful of Pringles, or whatever it is that people who don’t buy sides at fast food places do.

Let’s back up, though — are these even worth $2.50 a piece?

Well, like most things in the fast food world, a lot is contingent on the freshness of the ingredients. I got to the KFC nearest me shortly after opening, so the strips were freshly made. They were good, too, crunchy but not at all dry, with the familiar 11 herbs and spices. The tortillas were bland but serviceable, no different than what you’d find at Taco Bell. The pickles were sour and crunchy, not up to par with Popeyes, but considerably better than the ones you get at McDonald’s. The mayo on the original wrap “split” because of the hot chicken, so it didn’t add much. The sauce on the spicy wrap, though, fared better. If you’ve never had it (I’m fairly certain it’s the spicy sauce they’ve used on sandwiches before), it’s like a very mild chipotle mayo, but maybe just a bit sweeter.

What really sets the spicy wrap apart, however, was the slaw. While I don’t usually indulge in the Colonel’s cabbage (why would you when you can have the artificially-delicious mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy, or the surprisingly good French fries), the sweet crunch it lent to the wrap made it significantly better than its slaw-less brother. Additionally, I was surprised at how sog-free the chicken remained; truly, this wrap fired on all cylinders.

While many will hold these up — perhaps unfairly — against the aforementioned McDonald’s wraps, or KFC’s original Twister, two of these things for $5 isn’t a bad deal at all. Hopefully, they stick around for a while.

Purchased Price: 2/$5
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Original), 8 out of 10 (Spicy)
Nutrition Facts: Unavailable as of publishing, though the website has “800-900 calories” for the pair.