Author: Chris

REVIEW: Starbucks Zombie Frappuccino

Chris 1 Comment

Starbucks Zombie Frappuccino

For a few days this past spring, hordes of mindless entities overran Starbucks locations across North America. A thirsty hivemind in sight of one thing – Instagram likes. The Unicorn Frappuccino became a viral phenomenon, packing stores with teens ready to buy a drink that was handcrafted to pop in selfies and stories.

Stores were flattened by the demand. Locations ran out of ingredients a few days into the promotion. Baristas traded stories of trauma, blending these neon drinks by the dozen for shouting preteen crowds.

In a holiday attempt to recapture that social buzz, Starbucks has introduced the Zombie Frappuccino. With a caramel green apple base, a blood red mocha syrup drizzle, and pink “brain” whipped topping – it’s a sugary delight that will surely dominate your social feed for days to come.

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Upon being handed my zombified milkshake, I was a little let down. The red syrup was all clumped at the top, leaving the rest a bland tennis court green. But as the drink started to melt, the blood started to seep down the sides in thin veins. The colors all pop appropriately, creating a spooky edible lava lamp. It’s a great effect, and one that surprisingly doesn’t come at the cost of taste.

While the Unicorn Frap was an overly-sour sugar bomb, the Zombie Frap is far more balanced. The green caramel apple base is very sweet, but tart enough to feel balanced on the tongue. Caramel notes pop in the aftertaste, adding a brown sugar richness.

As the drink melts into the bottom half, the red syrup starts to take more of an active role. It’s got a bitter coffee sting that never dominates the drink, but keeps it from being hauntingly sweet.

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The whipped cream topping is the one area where the drink possibly falls short. Rather than the vibrant pink that makes one think of brains, it was closer to a light purple or fuchsia. It’s a minor complaint, but a drink designed for its visuals needs to be judged appropriately. There’s also no added flavor to the whip – just coloring. This was likely a smart choice, as anything else on it may have pushed it over the edge. But as is, it’s a worthy seasonal treat.

(Nutrition Facts – Grande with Whole Milk – 290 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 gram of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 54 grams of sugar, 3 grams of other carbohydrates, and 5 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $5.05
Size: Grande
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Colors have excellent contrast, creating a great zombie aesthetic. Caramel apple flavor isn’t too sweet. Blood mocha syrup adds a needed caffeine punch.
Cons: Whip wasn’t as pink as advertised. Could have used more coffee than just the dash of syrup. Has as much sugar as two full-size Snickers bars.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Wakey Bakey Hash Munchie Mash-Up

Chris 6 Comments

Jack in the Box Wakey Bakey Hash Munchie Mash Up

There’s something about intoxication that draws people back to the basics. Whether it’s been a long night at the bar or a lost weekend at Bonnaroo. By the end, everyone’s palate reverts to an almost childlike state. Cravings for the greasiest, saltiest, and cheesiest delicacies emerge.

No franchise is wiser to this trend than Jack in the Box, whose Munchie Meals have made a fortune out of serving the midnight masses. For their latest trend, Jack has brought a diner favorite – stuffed hash browns – into the fast food field.

Munchie Mash-Ups top the chain’s classic hash brown patties with an assortment of fix-ins smothered in a white cheese sauce. The Wakey Bakey Hash features a whole fried egg, bacon bits, cheddar cheese, and garlic butter, creating a sloppy sheet of breakfast standards.

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As I was handed the hash in the drive through, I already had a sign of the meal to follow. The grease was visibly staining the brown paper bag. Opening the box revealed the culprit – the garlic butter had all pooled to a single corner. A yellow lake of greasy, salty delight. If the visuals of this box are off-putting, the taste won’t win you over.

Despite being smothered in egg, bacon, cheese, and butter – the hash brown patties were satisfyingly crisp down to the last forkful. Alone, these patties are rich and salty – dense with fryer oil. The egg, cheese, bacon, and butter weigh them down even further. Every bite is rich and fatty, full of similar flavors fighting to come out on top.

It’s the cheese sauce that typically proves victorious. When combined with the garlic butter, it creates an alfredo-esque flavor that saturates the palate like grease on a brown paper bag. Hearty and not half bad, but an odd pairing for a bacon and egg.

The egg is the same overcooked fried egg that ends up on most breakfast sandwiches, and the bacon bits are disappointingly small. They get lost in the trough of hash, which is a shame. A more pronounced protein may have been a better pick here, offering more contrast with the rich cheese and garlic.

In total, the Wakey Bakey Hash will satisfy those looking for something standard. It’s salty, cheesy, and has enough carbs to soak up the worst of hangovers. At $3, it’s also a satisfying value. But in the daylight, this hash doesn’t have the same appeal. Better versions of this same combination are available elsewhere, and won’t require you to say the words “Wakey Bakey Hash” out loud to another adult.

(Nutrition Facts – 790 calories, 570 calories from fat, 63 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 285 milligrams of cholesterol, 1400 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.00
Size: N/A
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crispy potatoes. Good size for the price. Viable hangover cure.
Cons: Cheese sauce is overpowering and clashes with rest of dish. Extremely greasy. Garlic butter is unneeded.

REVIEW: Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich (2017)

Chris 16 Comments

Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich 2017

Sometime during our rich cultural history, America forgot what “Parmesan Cheese” is.

Once a noble hard cheese, the name now conjures images of tall green plastic cans. Industrial cylinders full of white dust, kept in the fridge long past all flavor has faded away. It’s now closer to a condiment than a proper dairy product.

It’s a hit job on a fine piece of Italian cuisine, executed by decades of corporate cheese ownership. So imagine my surprise when Burger King gave this proud cheese a primary placement on its Chicken Parmesan Sandwich, which is an updated version of the one that came out in 2012.

It starts with a crispy chicken patty, topped shavings of real Parmesan cheese, a slice of gooey mozzarella, and enveloped by two layers of marinara sauce. It’s all put between a toasted potato roll, for a thick and decadent sandwich. The chicken is the same as BK’s recently revamped Crispy Chicken Sandwich – a juicy whole breast fillet that tastes fresher than one would expect. It isn’t quite Chick-fil-A quality, but it’s impressive for the price point.

The first bite was concerning, as the side of the sandwich was coated in marinara sauce. A heavily acidic taste overtook my mouth, reeking of undercooked tomato. Fortunately, the sauce was more evenly distributed in the remaining bites – having soaked into the bun. Each bite delivered a satisfying blend of the soft potato roll, salty cheeses, and hearty white meat chicken. It’s a very rich sandwich, with the two kinds of cheeses and sweet roll creating a buttery mouthfeel.

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Since the chicken patty is the same as Burger King’s other premium chicken sandwich, it lacks the heavy Italian seasoning you’d expect from a more authentic chicken parm. But the King has crafted a workable version, largely thanks to a generous helping of Parmesan cheese. Forget the weak powder that stuffs the paper packets in pizza boxes; this is the real deal. The shavings are piled on thick, ensuring no bite goes without.

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The Parmesan is under a layer of mozzarella, which is notably more processed. Resembling a white Kraft single, it doesn’t get a satisfying melt. As a result, it serves only a structural purpose – gluing down the pile of Parmesan. It’s a necessary element, and nothing more.

Overall, Burger King’s “new and improved” Chicken Parmesan Sandwich is a success. Building on their strong Crispy Chicken base, this is a delicious offering that stands above most fast food chicken.

(Nutrition Facts – 570 calories, 25 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $6.99 (for meal with large drink and fries)
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Generous helping of real Parmesan. Delicious chicken patty. Soft, decadent potato roll.
Cons: Sauce is acidic and can be overwhelming in large doses. Mozzarella was under melted. Gross green can cheese.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chips

Chris 10 Comments

Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chipsa

Few foods have been put through their paces like fried chicken. The ever-innovating fast food industry has turned the simple Southern dish of breaded and deep fried poultry into everything from dinosaur nuggets to sandwich buns.

Taco Bell is no stranger to this modern art of meat sculpture, having morphed a chicken patty into a Chalupa shell earlier this year. That dish’s spiritual successor – the Naked Chicken Chips – are available now. Compared to the carnival oddity of a taco built out of chicken, these chips seem blasé by comparison. But these triangular treats have some quirks of their own.

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The Naked Chicken Chips come in servings of 6 or 12, mirroring your average serving of nuggets. The chips are a bit thinner than your ordinary chicken nugget, stretched out to tortilla chip size.

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The interior is typical processed white meat, but the breading has quite a bit of pepper. Each chip has a generous layer of breading with a gratifying crunch. It’s not as aggressively seasoned as a Burger King Chicken Fry, but the Naked Chicken Chips are spicier than your average McNugget.

Young kids (the typical nugget audience) might be put off by the added spice, but adults shouldn’t have any concern. If anything, these chips feel underseasoned by Taco Bell standards. It doesn’t help that the only dip being offered with this dish is standard nacho cheese. The two make a satisfying pair – rich and savory. But there’s an inescapable feeling that this could be something more.

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Fast food chicken’s appeal is in variety. While the pieces are themselves bland, they can play host to a wide array of sauces and dips. By limiting these chips to cheese, Taco Bell isn’t realizing the full potential of these dippables. Spicier selections (like the chain’s beloved Lava sauce), or even existing spreads (such as Avocado Ranch) could make this a perfect showcase for Taco Bell’s sauce catalog. Even topping these with the same options as the existing Triple Layer Nachos would’ve been great.

At $2.29 for six, the Naked Chicken Chips are a reasonable addition to any Taco Bell order. They won’t blow anyone away, but could be a valuable long-term addition to the menu.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 chips – 390 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1110 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 1 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.29
Size: 6 chips
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty side, slightly different from Taco Bell’s other offerings. Good deal for the price. Could be great as a protein option for burritos, etc.
Cons: Only offered with Nacho Cheese. Not as innovative as the previous Naked Chicken offering. Chicken nuggets are available pretty much everywhere.

REVIEW: Burger King Froot Loops Shake

Chris 3 Comments

Burger King Froot Loops Shake

Slowly, but surely, cereal is becoming more of a dessert than a breakfast.

While starting the day with a bowl of Fruit Loops is a time-honored tradition, cereal as a nightcap is gaining. It’s sweet enough to follow up a savory meal, but hearty enough to fill the role of a late night snack. Something about cereal at night just makes good mature sense. As a kid, a bowl of Fruit Loops was the one thing getting me out of bed to start the day. As an adult, cereal is how I get over the day.

Cereal is an indulgence. So it’s only fitting that Burger King is celebrating this luxury with the Froot Loops Shake. This treat blended loops of sweet fruity cereal immersed within a rich vanilla shake, and an invisible dash of flavored syrup. The result is a treat that tastes familiar, but feels remarkably unique.

At first glance, it’s easy to mistake the Froot Loops Shake for plain vanilla. But on closer inspection, the crumbs of multicolored cereal pop against the white cream. They also hold their color over time, meaning the shake never turns into a rainbow sludge. It stays consistently polka-dotted with reds, blues, oranges, and yellows.

The flavor is immediately reminiscent of cereal milk, the leftover “broth” that ends any morning (or evening) bowl. It’s creamy and lightly fruitful, boosted by occasional bits of cereal.

Froot Loops prove to be the perfect choice for this shake, as they stay crisp until the last sip. It’s a very pleasant texture, with a satisfying crunch. Shockingly, none of the pieces were large enough to lodge themselves in the straw – which often happens with other “chunky” milkshakes.

Overall, the Froot Loops Shake delivers on a simple premise. It’s a vanilla milkshake blended with Froot Loops. There’s no fancy presentation, or elaborate concept. But the real surprise comes from how satisfying this simple combination proves to be.

It’s definitely not a breakfast bite, and isn’t going to wash down a burger. But the Froot Loops Shake will feed that craving for cereal flavor, without the pretense of breakfast.

(Nutrition Facts – 720 calories, 190 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 560 milligrams of sodium, 126 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 103 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $3.59
Size: N/A
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes exactly like a bowl of cereal, with added richness of ice cream. Delightful texture that doesn’t clog the straw. Colors don’t run.
Cons: Very simplistic. Doesn’t offer much of a surprise. A bit pricey if bought on its own.