Drew, Author at The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Cannoli Ice Cream

January 21, 2013December 24, 2020 Drew 8 Comments

Oh Ben & Jerry’s, I can never stay away from you.

Yes, I made a big fuss last time about how I wasn’t interested in B&J’s latest offering, Cannoli Ice Cream. But when it came down to it, I was weak. For as much as I enjoyed the pumpkin coffee ice cream, I couldn’t wait to get the cannoli flavor home and take a taste. I hope I don’t sound like a frozen dessert whore when I tell you that the two are sharing space in my freezer right now. In my defense, I’ve never had a bowl of each in the same night. A man has to have some morals.

So what convinced me to sample the forbidden ice cream? Well, the package promises mascarpone ice cream (and fuck you, red squiggly spellcheck line, that IS how you spell it) with fudge-covered cannoli pastry shell chunks, plus a mascarpone swirl. Actually, spellcheck is not a friend of “cannoli” either, which I think evinces a clear anti-Italian-American bias on the part of Microsoft. Which in turn reminds me of that Sopranos episode where Paulie Walnuts got upset because schools weren’t properly celebrating Columbus Day, but we’re getting waaaay off topic, so never mind.

To be honest, I’m just a tad disappointed that the cows on the carton aren’t wearing suits or eating spaghetti bolognese or something, but that might’ve been culturally insensitive. (For obvious reasons, leather jackets were a no-go.) I do think they missed out on a prime opportunity to give us Ben & Jerry’s “Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli” ice cream, although the description on the back does advise you to leave the spoon, take the cannoli. Which… doesn’t make much sense (how are you going to eat it without a spoon?), but whatever.

When you first remove the lid, you’re met with what looks like chocolate chip ice cream, and that general appearance persists as you dig deeper. Never fear though, because like that guy you wouldn’t go out with in high school but then he becomes a moderately successful internet writer with cute kids, there’s more going on under the surface than it initially appears. For starters, the primary flavor is sweeter than vanilla ice cream, with a lingering but pleasant aftertaste. It’s fairly rich and you do have to have a bit of a sweet tooth to properly enjoy it; my wife, who subsists on salt licks and seawater, was not as much of a fan as I was.

The chips/chunks do indeed have that extra little fudge element, plus they taste a bit like waffle cone, which I presume is the “pastry shell” element. As for the mascarpone swirl, well, it’s not so much a visible swirl cutting through the ice cream as flecks peppered throughout the entire body. Overall the texture is pleasing, thick and creamy with enough elements to keep it interesting, and the chunks aren’t tough to chew.

It is also super fattening, so you might want to be doing leg lifts or squats while eating it (or bicycle crunches if you’re crazy coordinated). The calorie count is high though not ridiculous, but the saturated fat content is a cool 55% of your daily recommended value. It’s okay though, the total fat is only 25%! So as long as you’re okay with a 1/4 carton of this functioning as your entire lunch, go forth and conquer.

All jokes aside, like most of what Ben & Jerry’s has to offer, this is some good stuff. It’s limited batch, so if you’re interested, best not delay in grabbing a carton. Just make sure you’re committed to spending an extra 20 minutes at the gym the next day.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 280 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of total fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 23 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Cannoli Ice Cream reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Cannoli Ice Cream
Purchased Price: $3.99 (or 2 for $7)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very sweet and nuanced. Good texture. Effective way to bulk up for wrestling? Fudge and pastry shell bits are delicious and relatively liberal. Not too fattening if you only eat two bites at a time.
Cons: Missed Godfather jokes. Probably even more fattening than most real cannolis. You do have to have a taste for sweetness. Cheating on the ice cream you brought home first.

REVIEW: Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Ice Cream

January 1, 2013August 25, 2023 Drew 4 Comments

You see, Ben & Jerry’s? You see what happens?

Oh, I know how you think. “Old dependable Drew, he’s always around. We can just release new flavors anytime and anywhere we please, and he’ll go out of his way to track them down. So predictable.”

Well, guess what?

Now you have a new flavor out, and I couldn’t find it. And instead of driving to twelve different stores chasing it, I looked right in front of me and saw something else: Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Ice Cream. And I chose it instead.

Sure, now you’ll realize your mistake and try to fix it. “We’ll release it to the grocery store closest to your house, Drew, we promise!” Sorry, Ben & Jerry’s. Too late. In this analogy, you’re the blonde cheerleader, and I’m Michael J. Fox, and Starbucks ice cream is the girl next door I always took for granted.

And also, I’m a werewolf.

So, to business. The carton bills this as swirled coffee and pumpkin spice ice creams. That’s not a typo, by the way — apparently the plural of ice cream is “ice creams.”

On the other hand, I’m a little suspicious about this container — the bar code is stamped over with a label reading “Sales Sample Not For Retail Sale,” although it still scanned at the self-checkout. Above it is more iffy spelling, “There’s a Starbucks in your freeze.”, followed by several sentences of what might be Latin or Italian or possibly Elvish.

I don’t know, I’m afraid to read it aloud for fear of invoking a demonic presence like Mephistopheles or Beetlejuice. (In all seriousness, it’s standard dummy text used in the printing industry. Though still possibly necromantic.) The whole thing is so damn weird that I’m including a picture, just so you don’t think I’m high as a monkey:

Right? After comparing it to pictures I’ve seen online, it certainly seems like they sold me a rough draft of this flavor, which hopefully is limited to the packaging, not the ice cream itself. (Oddities aside, the carton is cleverly designed to look like a Starbucks coffee cup, including little boxes with check marks through the “Pumpkin” and “Coffee” boxes.)

When you open the lid, you’re confronted with ice cream that’s a uniform beige color. It may be the least visually exciting dessert ever, but digging down a little deeper will reveal actual swirls of off-white mixed with the beige. I’m just guessing the off-white part is the pumpkin spice and the beige the coffee ice cream, but really, the whole thing could’ve used some orange food coloring. It’s pumpkin, guys, make it look like it.

And since that’s bound to be a question, yes, the pumpkin spice taste IS quite prominent, though not overwhelming. I enjoyed it without feeling like it was dominating my palate, though I did find that a little went a long way — this is an ice cream to have a few bites of every night for a week, rather than polishing off the entire pint in an evening. And while many products use the two terms synonymously, you’ll find there’s more of the spice flavor than of the pumpkin in this ice cream.

As for the “latte” element, the coffee ice cream component was noticeable and roughly as pronounced as the pumpkin spice. Personally I like the balance, but considering this is a Starbucks offering, if you’re looking for a bold coffee ice cream that’ll put you in your place, this isn’t it. I didn’t have any on hand, but I suspect some chocolate sauce would go really well with this dessert, for what that’s worth. There’s not much of an aftertaste — the flavor hits your taste buds immediately and then fades as soon as you swallow it, with just a tiny trace lingering. It also tastes sweet but not overly so; those of you turned off by excessive sugary flavor needn’t worry.

Overall, this is an enjoyable ice cream, though I wouldn’t really call it a “must try.” As the holiday season winds down, if you see a carton in the grocery store, go ahead and pick it up. (Assuming you have the cash to spare, anyway… at five bucks for a pint, this stuff ain’t cheap.) But no need to go out of your way to pick it up, since the holidays will be a distant memory before you’ve even finished with one pint.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 210 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Ice Cream
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Beta-testing ice cream. Good spice flavor mixed with decent coffee taste. Not overly sweet. Cool packaging. You won’t want to eat it all at once. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.
Cons: Description possibly written in ancient Sumerian. Looks incredibly bland. Like everything Starbucks makes, way too expensive. Cons ligula eget arcu hendrerit blandit.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Oatmeal Delights Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts

December 20, 2012August 14, 2023 Drew 14 Comments

I’m going to guess that not everyone reading this 1) spent their adolescent years in the early to mid ’90s, and 2) read superhero comics.

But that’s okay.

(Statistically, you’re almost certainly better off for it.)

All you need to know is this: in the early ’90s, comic book publishers went absolutely, 100 percent bugfuck insane. Comics were selling like crazy, movies and cartoons had people interested in the characters, and everyone believed their mint copy of X-Force #1 was going to make them fabulously wealthy someday, whereas its primary use today is to prop up uneven table legs at comic stores everywhere.

To keep the cash train running, publishers came up with a ridiculous variety of gimmicks to entice you to buy their wares. They did variant covers. Holographic covers. Glow-in-the-dark covers. Photo covers. Silent issues. Sideways issues. Issues with nothing but splash pages. Superman died. Batman crippled. Green Lantern genocidal. Spider-Man wearing armor. One comic writer, upon dying, had his ashes mixed into the ink for the printing of a trade paperback he had written. It was madness.

(Except the last one, that was tight. Miss ya, Grue!)

Why do I bring this up? Because I increasingly get that same “’90s comics” vibe when I think about Pop-Tarts. They started out as a nice, simple breakfast pastry for kids. Eventually came new flavors, nothing wrong with that. But then they just started throwing shit at the wall to see what stuck.

We got Pop-Tarts clearly designed for dessert, not breakfast. We got seasonal Pop-Tarts with winter images printed on them. We got Wild! Pop-Tarts. And even Pop-Tarts that let you show your school spirit. And now? Well, now we’ve got a sub-brand of Pop-Tarts called Oatmeal Delights with two varieties, Frosted Strawberry and Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar; we’ll be looking at the latter. I suspect we’re supposed to think “mapley” is just a cute stylistic tic, but I’m interpreting it in more of the “vaguely reminiscent of maple” way. Your mileage may vary.

I’m not going to lie — the box itself is almost worth the purchase. There’s just so much going on there. On the front, nearly every image and word is set at an angle like you’re eating M.C. Escher’s own toaster pastries. I thought Pop-Tarts had long ago accepted they were never going to be the healthy option, yet this package can’t stop trying to convince me it’s nutritious, touting its 8 vitamins and minerals, made from whole grain, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, plenty of calcium and B vitamins, and a good source of fiber.

(Spoiler: the calories and total fat are not ridiculous, but still not what anyone would mistake for “healthy.”)

The back of the box avows that each pastry contains the perfect amount of icing, which I’m calling bullshit on because “perfect” is a strong word and pride goeth before the icing fall, or whatever. There’s also one of those barcodes you can scan with your smartphone to learn more info, although I didn’t because I was crushing it on Angry Birds and you’ve really gotta ride that streak out.

TL;DR. Just… how do they taste? Not quite how I was expecting, but still pretty good. The outer layer is crispy, with cinnamon oat crumbles liberally coating it and curvy drizzles of icing. The inside filling is definitely gooey and tastes of brown sugar and maple (“mapley,” if you will), although I can’t say it particularly screams oatmeal. That’s not a criticism per se, it’s just that these could easily be called Maple Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts with no mention of oatmeal and you wouldn’t question it.

Still, the flavor did bring me back to college, stealing instant oatmeal packets from the dining hall so I’d have something to eat at 11:00 PM when it was time to start that term paper. Good times, good times. Also, there’s a reasonable amount of filling, slightly less so on each of the ends, as per usual.

All told, the brown sugar crumbles, icing, and maple filling add up to an appealing whole. Not overflowing with sheer unadulterated flavor perhaps, but a solid effort that you can maybe trick your brain into thinking is healthy if you work at it. Much like holographic covers and sideways issues, these probably won’t be around for long, so try some while you can!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 15(!) grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Oatmeal Delights Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 8 toaster pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cinnamon oat crumbles both look and taste appealing. Box isn’t attractive, but crammed with so much that you’ll buy it just to have something to read on the train. The maple(y) taste was good, though could have been more pronounced. Perhaps slightly better for you than regular Pop-Tarts. Pretty cheap. The ’80s comic industry.
Cons: The ’90s comic industry. Might’ve benefited from a little more oatmeal crammed in there. At this rate, TIB will soon become an all-Pop-Tarts review blog, instead of just a mostly-Pop-Tarts review blog. Kinda dull to look at — white icing would’ve offset that a little.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Reese’s Puffs Muffin Mix and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Muffin Mix

November 1, 2012August 25, 2023 Drew 12 Comments

I’ve written before at no brief length about my love of breakfast cereals.

Stand-up comedians seem to articulate my feelings about cereal well — Jerry Seinfeld opining that he loves being able to eat and drink simultaneously with one hand while reading the paper, and Mike Birbiglia admitting that if he buys a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at four in the afternoon, that box ain’t making it to eight o’clock the next morning.

Both of those observations apply to me, and ever since I became an adult (no, it’s true, I pay taxes and work and everything), I’ve struggled with limiting cereal to just breakfast time. Honestly, why would you? I guess if you’re on a diet or pinching pennies, maybe, but otherwise it’s the perfect snack.

Apparently General Mills is thinking along the same lines, because they recently released a line of cereal-based muffin mixes through the Betty Crocker brand. No word yet on whether that’s due to an impeding global milk shortage (we have top people looking into it. Top. People.), but the goal is for you and I to be able to enjoy all the benefits of a nice bowl of dry cereal in a far more portable manner. There are three kinds so far: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Reese’s Puffs, and Cocoa Puffs, of which we’ll be taking a look at the first two.

On a sidenote, I’m a little surprised to find two classic cereals sharing space with a relative newcomer like Reese’s Puffs, but I guess they probably wanted some variety and there aren’t that many peanut butter-based cereals to choose from. (Although there WOULD be if everyone had kept eating E.T. cereal like we all agreed. No, I haven’t gotten over it.)

But let’s start with the aromatic wonder itself. Right, I didn’t mention that yet… yeah, they smell. The Reese’s Puffs batter has an extremely noticeable scent that’s vaguely peanut-ish but mostly chemical-y, not to overload on hyphens. It’s not acrid or reminiscent of a filled diaper or anything, but describing it as “pleasant” would be something more than a stretch. My wife was helping me make them because, even though they’re extremely easy to prepare, I’m not skilled in the culinary arts and we didn’t want them to end up with refrigerator magnets or loose change in them; and in her opinion, the smell was really distracting. To be fair, I’ll offer that the aroma is far less prevalent when they come out of the oven…

…but that’s somewhat cold comfort, because the bad news is that while the scent lessens, the muffin itself is sporting a very artificial taste. There’s a sliiiiiight peanut butter flavor, but it’s pretty mild, which may or may not be true to the actual cereal itself. The muffin was fairly moist, though really that’s ultimately up to you and your stove. Most of the taste you’re going to be getting is a fairly standard chocolate, albeit tinged with that same artificial flavor and aftertaste. It’s okay, but certainly not comparable to some of the better, or even average, chocolate and/or peanut butter muffins you’ve had in your life.

And not that we at TIB advocate judging a book by its cover (despite all being jaw-droppingly attractive people ourselves), but you’ll notice from the picture that the “peanut butter” crumbs sort of melt into each other and congeal, whereas on the box they’re all perfectly separated and look crunchy rather than gooey. Yeah, yeah, no one expects truth in advertising, but they do look a bit less palatable in reality.

Okay, but Cinnamon Toast Crunch will be our savior, right? Wendell and those two other bakers who got blacklisted after admitting their relationship have never let us down. Well, don’t be so hasty — the counterpoint to CTC’s awesomeness is that any kind of spinoff has a lot to live up to. Which was a bigger disappointment, The Godfather Part III or Police Academy 3? Exactly. But it does get off to a better start than the Reese’s Puffs mix just by virtue of the batter not smelling as odd.

Actually making the muffins is just as simple, the work of maybe 10 minutes, tops. Basically all you need is vegetable oil, two eggs, and water. You don’t even need paper baking cups, though my wife used Spider-Man ones anyway because that’s how we roll.

I like the look of them better than the Reese’s Puffs muffins, because the cinnamon sprinkled on the top looks more natural and less, well, blobbish. As for taste? Sigh… well, they’re better, you can say that. But that’s faint praise, because they still aren’t anything to write home about, unless you like disappointing your mother. More than usual, I mean. (She just wants what’s best for you, dear.)

You can taste the cinnamon more so than you could the peanut butter on the other kind, but it still carries that distinctly artificial flavor, somewhat moist but with a lingering aftertaste that isn’t found in nature. It smells better, so there’s that. And like the Reese’s Puffs kind, they’re pretty filling, so you shouldn’t need to eat more than one or two to fill you up for breakfast. But I still can’t recommend them any higher than a general “Eh… I’ve had worse.”

Damning with faint praise, I know, but what are you going to do? Maybe trying to capture the magic of cereal sans milk was always doomed to failure. Or maybe it could have worked with different ingredients. My gut tells me that this is just sort of what you get with instant muffins, but who knows. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that these particular muffins are subpar. Unless you’re just inadvisably curious, don’t waste your time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 muffin – Reese’s Puffs – 170 calories, 70 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein. Cinnamon Toast Crunch – 170 calories, 70 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein.)

Other Betty Crocker Cereal Muffin Mix reviews:
Baking Bites (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)
Foodette Reviews (Reese’s Puffs)
The Smart Cookie Cook (Cocoa Puffs & Reese’s Puffs)

Item: Betty Crocker Reese’s Puffs Muffin Mix and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Muffin Mix
Purchased Price: $2.59 each
Size: 12.75
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Reese’s Puffs)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)
Pros: Super easy to make. Spider-Man baking cups. Cereal, the perfect food. Cinnamon tastes artificial, but not terrible. Police Academy 3, kinda. Not that bad for you, all things considered. More portable than real cereal.
Cons: Not as good as real cereal. Reese’s Puff batter has a weird smell. No more E.T. cereal. Taste is uninspired and artificial. Reese’s Puffs muffins don’t look too appealing. The Godfather Part III. Maybe trying the Cocoa Puffs kind would’ve been better?

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Coffee K-Cup Pack

September 18, 2012August 29, 2023 Drew 7 Comments

Fall is my favorite season. What’s not to love? The air turns cool but isn’t freezing yet; the leaves change colors and make great crunchy noises as you tramp through them; Halloween and Thanksgiving are just around the corner; college football starts and so do the baseball playoffs. (Okay, probably not for my team this year, but shut up.) And alongside all that, pumpkins begin their annual 2 1/2 months of relevance. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin ale… it’s all terrific. And this year, I got really excited when I heard that Dunkin’ Donuts was releasing pumpkin coffee for use with Keurigs.

In case anyone is as clueless as I was until recently, a Keurig is a type of coffee maker that brews java quickly. You load it with small containers called K-Cups and through dark sorcery (allegedly), it spits out a cup of coffee a minute later. I got one for my wife for our last anniversary, and I’m convinced it’s her favorite thing I’ve ever bought her. Mind you, I have at various times given her an engagement ring, a Coach purse, diamond earrings, and two children. Pretty sure this still tops the list.

What’s surprising is just how much I was looking forward to DD’s pumpkin coffee, since I usually find coffee disgusting, or at best acceptable with loads of milk and sugar. But… pumpkin! Pumpkin makes it all better, right? That’s the operating theory, anyway: pumpkin and the spices, which sounds like either a Motown group or a Saturday morning cartoon. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t watch it.

I don’t want to spend too much time on the packaging, but it’s both eye-catching and visually appealing. The multicolored leaf pattern and orange and brown hues draw attention without overwhelming you, and I like that there’s only one picture of a pumpkin on the entire box. There’s no need to overload you with PUMPKIN! After all, pumpkin sells itself.

After spending 30 seconds to brew a cup, I took a whiff and was pleased with the results. What you’re going to smell is mostly nutmeg with just a little bit of cinnamon. (Those seem to be the only spices included; they’re the only ones mentioned on the back of the box, anyway.) Beyond that it’s the usual coffee smell. Apparently this is Arabica coffee and I’m sure that means something to some of you, who are no doubt rolling your eyes right now at this idiot java novice, but to me it just smells like coffee. Still, that’s not a bad thing — coffee always smells better than it tastes.

…which, unfortunately, remains the case. Maybe it’s my fault: it’s pumpkin coffee, not pumpkin pie coffee. It isn’t magic. Nor is it bad, really — again, I’m not a coffee guy, but with milk and sugar it’s stupendously tolerable. You can’t fault coffee for being, you know… coffee. But what I CAN fault it for, and will, is not having nearly enough pumpkin in there. It’s pumpkin coffee, so you should be able to taste at least a little hint of pumpkin, right?

Apparently not, because what you’re drinking is nutmeg & cinnamon coffee. Those are good spices, yes, and they combine for a pleasant aftertaste. As a result, it’s hard to be too disappointed because, after all: it tastes good, with rich flavor and a sweet taste that lingers after the sip. By coffee standards, anyway. But it’s a bit like biting down into a bacon cheeseburger and only tasting the burger and cheese. You *like* cheeseburger, so technically that’s okay, but… where’s my bacon, dammit? The wife tells me in most flavored coffees, it just smells like whatever the flavor is and your nose kind of fills in the taste. I guess I can buy that, but since I can taste the spices, shouldn’t I be able to taste the pumpkin?

I think that’s my final word on DD’s latest seasonal offer. Nice aroma, looks appealing, enjoyable taste as far as it goes. But if they decide to bring it back next year, I hope they consider upping the pumpkin content, or they might as well just call this “fall blend” instead of “pumpkin coffee.” For those of you who elect to try some, I don’t think you’ll regret buying it. But still — where’s my bacon?!

(Nutrition Facts – N/A. I know strange, right?)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Coffee K-Cup Pack
Purchased Price: $11.99
Size: 14 K-Cups
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fall is basically the best season. Has a nice, rich aroma. Package is one scarecrow away from the perfect autumn image. (Mostly) nutmeg and (some) cinnamon make for a very pleasing aftertaste. Buying your wife the perfect gift. Works out to less than $1 a cup, which is pretty good. Man, if they did pumpkin mocha, how awesome would that be?
Cons: Surprising lack of pumpkin, considering the name. Does flavored coffee really not usually taste like that flavor? That’s stupid. Spices can’t totally mask the fact that deep down, it still tastes like coffee.