Author: James

REVIEW: McDonald’s Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders with Signature Sauce

James 15 Comments

McDonald s Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders 1

The way I see it, eating McDonald’s at two in the morning is the only way to eat McDonald’s. The atmosphere is so laid back and amicable.

The employees openly discuss their love lives and curse at each other. Everything is drowned out by the sound of old Lionel Richie songs and whatever’s airing on Fox Sports 2 (usually infomercials promising to improve your golf swing). And best of all, nobody even cares that there’s a guy in the back, taking pictures of his four-piece Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders meal like he was examining a C.S.I. victim — with the flash on and everything.

The more cynical sorts out there might take a look at these newfangled McProducts and immediately assume they’re nothing more than elongated nuggets. Not true. While the white meat may be indistinguishable from the McNuggets we all know and love, the breading tastes much different.

McDonald s Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders 2

I pick up the subtle flavor of the buttermilk batter, and the overall coating is noticeably spicier than the average McDonald’s chicken offering. The texture is also a bit grittier than what we’re used to from the chain. Imagine a breading halfway between the regular Chicken McNuggets outer shell and Popeyes’ Handcrafted Spicy Tenders and you’ve got a fairly apt description of what we’re working with here.

McDonald s Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders 4

But that’s not all. The all new chicken tenders also come with what McDonald’s is billing as its “Signature Sauce,” and all in all, it isn’t too shabby. I suppose the best way to describe it is a mildly tangier Catalina (French) dressing or a slightly spicier-than-normal blend of Thousand Island dressing. Regardless, it’s quite zesty, and the teensy-tiny hint of spiciness should be palatable to even the tamest of taste buds.

McDonald s Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders 3

And even if you don’t particularly like the Signature Sauce, the cardboard chicken tender carrier case comes with a handy-dandy double slot so you can wedge in a pair of sauce containers. As an avid sauce connoisseur, I’d suggest pairing the tenders with both the Sriracha Mac Sauce and the McRanch dressing (a great chaser to offset the spiciness of the former, naturally.)

On the whole, I’d consider the Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders to be a fairly decent – albeit somewhat bland – addition to the extended McNugget family. The tenders themselves are surprisingly long (three to five inches, approximately) and they will fill you up fast, especially when doused in a goulash of sauces.

One word of warning, though: NOTHING goes well with the amalgamation of honey mustard, habanero ranch, and spicy buffalo sauce, except a bottle of Maalox.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pieces – 370 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams of total fat, 3.6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 28 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 4-pieces
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: The breading has a unique taste and texture. The tenders are crisp, juicy and filling. It’s a lot of fun to test out how the tenders gel with all those sauces and dressings. 
Cons: The Signature Sauce is a bit too weak. The tenders probably would’ve benefitted from being just a smidge spicier. The horrified glare of strangers as they watch you mix the creamy southwest dressing with Sweet ‘N Sour Sauce.

REVIEW: Great Value Tropickles

James 19 Comments

Great Value Tropickles

I’ve long believed in the old marketing axiom that there’s no such thing as a bad idea, only bad execution. Even a relatively unimpressive or unappetizing product can become a must-buy depending on how well it’s presented to the public. For example, I don’t think anybody genuinely enjoyed Orbitz soda, but everybody alive in the late 1990s at least gave it a try and still remember it vividly to this day.

Walmart’s proprietary Tropickles, on the other hand, is the epitome of a badly executed novelty food. Instead of coming off as kooky and kitschy the product looks, smells, and tastes trashy and tawdry. Superficially and suprafacially, it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever put in my mouth; it’s so bad, the only word I can think to describe it is execrable.

Everything about this product is hideous. The packaging is ultra-generic and the sight of swampy vegetables floating up and down in pinkish-red fluid is stomach-churning. And as soon as you pry off the lid, things get really nauseating.

Great Value Tropickles 3

There’s nothing particularly offensive about fruit punch, even the low-tier, store brand stuff. There’s also nothing particularly offensive about canned pickles (unless, of course, you have a strong aversion to tart foods.)

Alas, when you force the two to co-habitate in the same glass jar, the chemical reaction is repugnant. The combination of lukewarm sugar water, wilting cucumbers and a ton of vinegar results in a scent comparable to rotten produce doused in Kool-Aid, this sickly sweet odor that keeps alternating between hummingbird nectar and a compost heap.

Then there are the visuals. There’s no genteel way to put it – the pickles look like bloody turds. Did any of you kids ever see that great B-horror movie from the 1980s called Slugs? Well, if you haven’t, the Tropickles are exactly what the monsters in that flick resembled. Come to think of it, maybe Walmart should’ve saved these things for Halloween and rebranded them as pickled snakes in elf blood or something – at least then they could’ve promoted it as intentionally disgusting.

As bad as the scent is and as bad as the pickles look, though, the taste is even worse. You get sporadic moments of watered-down sweetness and you get occasional bursts of traditional dill pickle flavor, but for the most part all your taste buds can detect is pure ick.

Great Value Tropickles 4

The fruit punch juice makes the pickles mushier and more acidic than normal, and the goulash of vinegar and sugar water taints them with a rubbery bitterness. Really, it doesn’t even taste like food after a couple of bites; if you want to simulate the flavor, aroma and even mouthfeel of Tropickles, find a menthol cigarette chain smoker and ask them to cram their tongue down your esophagus.

All in all, these Tropickles might be the worst thing I’ve ever eaten that wasn’t sold at Dollar Tree. Remember earlier when I said there’s no such thing as a “bad idea” when it comes to gimmick foods? Well, scratch that – “putting pickles in fruit punch” is about as bad as it gets.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 a spear – 25 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 260 mg of sodium, 6 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.78
Size: 24 oz. jar
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: If you’re mugged in the parking lot, the jar makes a great impromptu bludgeoning weapon. The bottle is probably heavy enough to keep a small door open.
Cons: …literally everything else.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Bacon Queso Burger

James 3 Comments

Wendy s Spicy Queso Burger

Historically, fast food “spicy burgers” have been pretty underwhelming.

Try as they may, neither Burger King’s Angry Whopper nor Carl’s Jr.’s El Diablo Thickburger lived up to the hype, and let’s not even get into the deluge of disappointing spicy-in-name-only chicken sandwiches that we’ve seen over the last couple of years.

Wendy’s themselves are no stranger to so-so spicy sammiches, such as the okay-but-that’s-about-it Jalapeno Fresco Spicy Chicken Sandwich from 2015. And while their latest and greatest tongue-torching burger makes a few noticeable improvements over their last foray into hot-ass hamburgers, the Bacon Queso Burger still feels more than a few degrees shy of being a truly top-notch, perspiration-inspiring product.

Wendy s Spicy Queso Burger 2

The quarter-pounder burger comes topped with a creamy poblano queso sauce, a heaping helping of fire-roasted salsa, three strips of Applewood smoked bacon, some chopped up red onions (an aside, but is it just me or do those things look more purple than red?), and a smattering of shredded cheddar cheese. And all of it is wedged between two roasted red jalapeno buns, which I didn’t even notice until I Googled the product after I already ate it, which, yeah, should tell you just how potent the jalapeno taste is here.

Wendy s Spicy Queso Burger 3

First, the good. Wendy’s has long had some of the best bacon in fast food, and this limited-time-only offering is no exception. Secondly, the beef is flavorful and doesn’t get lost amid the goulash of other ingredients. And thirdly, the poblano queso sauce has a unique taste and texture (thicker than aioli sauce but still not thick enough to be a traditional fondue) that doesn’t have an analogue at any other mainstream burger chain.

Unfortunately, there are more negatives than positives here. The salsa is way too pulpy and has virtually no spiciness, and it doesn’t blend that well with the queso at all (at first, I thought they just dumped a bunch of chili on the burger and called it good.)

Additionally, the onions feel (and taste) way out of place – that is, if you can even taste them at all after rubbing up against so many different sauces. And I was not a fan of the shredded cheese adornments – the icy cold taste and texture clashes with the rest of the burger AND every time you go for another bite it seems like half of the cheddar falls out.

Speaking of which, this might be the messiest non-Sloppy Joe sandwich I’ve ever eaten – forget tying on a bib; you’ll probably have to eat this one with a beach towel wrapped around your shoulders.

But the ultimate transgression of Wendy’s new burger, of course, is that it isn’t spicy enough. It’s unique and fairly flavorful and pretty filling, but it doesn’t come anywhere close to making good on that particular advertising point. And when you can’t deliver the primary thing your L-T-O marketing promises, can we really consider the offering as a whole anything less than a substantial disappointment?

(Nutrition Facts – 550 calories, 290 calories from fat, 29 grams of total fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,140 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 33 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: Single patty (also available in double and triple versions)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The bacon is juicy, plump, and delicious. The hamburger patty is flavorful and filling. The queso tastes unlike anything else you’ve probably had at a big name burger joint.
Cons: The product isn’t spicy – at all. The salsa is too clumpy. The shredded cheese adds nothing to the experience (and in fact, detracts from it). Realizing beard + queso burger = shame the hard way.

FAST FOOD FLASHBACK: Pizza Hut Priazzo Italian Pie

James 29 Comments

Pizza Hut Priazzo

We’ve all got our favorite foods. If I had to pick just one thing to eat for the rest of my life, it would definitely be Chicago-style deep dish pizza.

I mean, it’s pretty much the perfect food – you’ve got an infinite amount of cheese to work with, all kinds of sauces to add to the equation and a practically unlimited number of topping possibilities. Which is why I’ve always been surprised that pies of the like have so seldom been offered by the big name carry-out pizza chains. Granted, they take longer to prepare, but you mean to tell me there isn’t any consumer demand for stuffed pies and that middle America would rather eat pan pizzas with pigs-in-a-blanket crust instead?

Yes, we do have quasi-deep dish pies available today at Little Caesar’s and Papa John’s, and in the past, big name chains like Domino’s have given the concept the old collegiate try. But it’s always been a bit suspicious that Pizza Hut has largely steered clear of deep dish offerings over the last 15 years.

Indeed, the last time Pizza Hut even attempted to go national with the idea was in 2002 with their short-lived Chicago Dish Pizza…which, as fate would have it, was far from the Hut’s first tango with heavyweight pies.

Enter the Priazzo Italian Pie.

In 1985 Pizza Hut unveiled not one but four deep dish offerings. Now technically, they weren’t 100 percent traditional deep dish pizzas – rather, they were sort of a fusion between a deep dish and a stuffed pizza. Regardless, the format of the pies were the same: you had one layer of sauce, meat and extra ingredients with another layer of crust atop it, which was then doused with even more sauce, cheese and toppings.

There were four variations, as briefly outlined below:

ROMA – Italian sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, beef, pork and onion topped with mozzarella and cheddar.

FLORENTINE – Ham and spinach topped with cheddar, ricotta, mozzarella, Parmesan and Romano cheese.

NAPOLI – A mix of cheddar, mozzarella, Parmesan and Romano cheese topped with tomato slices.

MILANO – Bacon, beef, pork, pepperoni and Italian sausage topped with mozzarella and cheddar.

Interestingly, some Internet sleuthing suggests the Hut actually tested a fifth Priazzo product – a sausage, pepper and onion strewn variation codenamed the Portofino. Regardless, all four (five?) pies were not long for this earth, and the Priazzo line-up got 86’ed – ironically enough – in 1986.

Internet hearsay and musings from old-school Hut employees indicate the pies were just too much of a hassle to remain menu staples. The pies took much longer to prepare and required costlier equipment to cook correctly, and apparently fast food consumers circa ‘85 just weren’t keen on pizzas that took upwards of 40 minutes to prepare.

Still, the Priazzo pies have developed quite the cult following over the years, perhaps because it’s a concept that neither Pizza Hut nor its top competitors have since attempted to resurrect. But with so many retro-food-fanatics rediscovering the Priazzo online, is it only a matter of time until Pizza Hut is goaded into relaunching the fabled array of proto-artisanal pies?

Hey, if Internet fandom can bring Crystal Pepsi back to life, anything’s possible.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen M&M’s Treatzza Pizza

James 2 Comments

Dairy Queen M M s Treatzza Pizza

Released in the mid-1990s, Dairy Queen’s Treatzza Pizza was one of those decades-defining consumer events – a’la Reebok Pump shoes and the Nickelodeon Time Blaster Alarm Clock – that seemingly EVERYBODY but me got to experience back in the day.

The commercials did a five-star job explaining why the $6.99 delicacy was more than a fast food gimmick – it was literally marketed as edible pop culture and digestible ephemera. Missing out on this was like missing out on Yikes! pencils and Pop-Qwiz popcorn – absolutely unforgivable.

Since I never tried the product in my youth, I assumed I would NEVER find out if the Treatzza lived up to all the hype. So when I heard the long discontinued product was coming back, I was ecstatic.

Even now I’m not entirely sure how long the Treatzza (which came in four glorious versions – more on that in just a bit) was sold. Some sources say the thing hung around as late as 2008, but I certainly don’t remember seeing the product on sale since at least 1999 in my neck of the woods. Obviously, I can’t tell you how the relaunched Treatzza compares to the original taste-wise, but it sure as sugar passes the eye test – this thing looks EXACTLY like it magically materialized from a 1995 sales circular ad.

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Just like in the good old days, the Treatzza comes in four permutations: one topped with Heath bar chunks, one topped with Reese’s cups, a “Choco-Brownie” one and – my personal fave – one sprinkled with diced M&M’s.

The featured iteration has a fudge cookie crunch base, vanilla soft serve as the “sauce,” and is complemented with a fine chocolate drizzle. The pie is divvied up into eight fairly consistent slices, so it’s easily enough to feed two people or provide quick snacks for at least four.

Dairy Queen M M s Treatzza Pizza 3

Naturally, the fog of nostalgia could impair my judgement, but regardless of its retro appeal this thing is just delightful. We’ve all had brownies topped with ice cream before, but the Treatzza feels like an entirely different kind of dessert. Here, the cookie, ice cream, fudge, and M&M’s merge into a delicious singularity. Conceptually it might be nothing more than an open-faced ice cream sandwich, but all the ingredients just gel into blissful, congealed harmony. It’s yummy, it’s filling, and I’d swear eating it automatically transported my taste buds back to the DQ of my youth, circa the opening night of Batman Forever.

Dairy Queen M M s Treatzza Pizza 4

Yes, it’s just a giant frozen cookie with an entire M&M’s Blizzard dumped atop it, but I suppose that’s what makes it beautiful. Considering the $10 price point and (presumably) low consumer demand – not to mention it takes up so much space in the freezer – there’s no way this one’s going to be around for more than a few months.

All I can say is try it while you can, folks – that is, unless you feel like waiting around to 2037 to get your third chance.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 200 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $9.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The totally phat crunched up M&M’s taste both boss and fly on your tongue. The vanilla ice cream IS all that and a bag of chips. You and seven of your homeboys can share a pie while blasting a cassette tape of “Gangsta’s Paradise” on a loop for an hour in the parking lot.
Cons: The $10 price tag is inflation-tastic. The cookie crust might be a tad too hard to chew for some consumers. Wondering if this will or will not bring us one step closer to the resurrection of Dunkaroos and/or a Hootie and the Blowfish comeback.