Author: Jasper

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich

Jasper 5 Comments

Dunkin' Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich

I’ve always been supportive of fast food corporations’ revenues on new items, and now that the Colbert Super PAC has taught me corporations are people, I am also trying to be more supportive of fast food corporations’ self-esteem. In order to be more sensitive to Dunkin’ Donuts’ feelings, and because their new product is a sandwich, I will use the sandwich method of feedback to review the new Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich by sandwiching each piece of negative feedback between two positive thoughts.

Positive: The sandwich stayed warm while I walked the 6 blocks home.
Negative: I recently moved apartments and there are now two Starbucks within those 6 blocks. You better up your locations around here, Dunkin’. I love you, but I also love gingerbread lattes and free WiFi.
Positive: On the other hand, the counter guys at Dunkin’ Donuts never judge me for constantly confusing the only two Italian words I know. Stupid smug baristas.

Positive: The cheese was well-melted and kept the split-length-wise sausage link in place very well.
Negative: I suppose the two half-links of sausage probably provide more meat than a regular sausage patty, but they were like a square peg being put in a round hole, or more accurately two half-cylinders bifurcating an oblate spheroid (now there’s an expression that could really catch on). The half-links felt awkwardly bulky on an English muffin, and I ended up with inconsistent amounts of meat in each bite.
Positive: Overall, the sandwich did feel a bit more filling than your average Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast sandwich.

Dunkin' Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich Split

Positive: The premium sausage is produced by Hillshire Farm, whose founders are in the Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame. No seriously, that exists.
Negative: Any Hillshire Farm product hits you with a bunch of fat and sodium, and this new sandwich is no exception, weighing in with a whopping 36 grams of fat and 1,500 milligrams of sodium.
Positive: I’ve finally found a Hall of Fame whose membership is worth spending my life aspiring to.

Positive: I guess the sausage had some slight scent of smokiness to it.
Negative: That slight smoky scent didn’t really translate at all into the taste. (I just spent a half hour trying to formulate a joke about the minuscule smokiness of this sandwich, my roommate’s pack-a-week smoking habit, and smoking his sausage. I couldn’t get it to work, but dammit, B, if you stop smoking I’ll promise to stop making sex jokes about you in my reviews.)
Positive: Sausage means penis and that is funny.

Positive: The sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog (I happen to like hot dogs). As with your average hot dog, it was quite salty, and the casing had some snap to it.
Negative: As anyone who’s ever been to a ballgame knows, overpaying for a hot dog sucks, and this sandwich cost four dollars.

I know that last feedback sandwich was open-faced, so here’s a super positive closing paragraph to make up for it and boost Dunkin’ Donuts’ self-esteem. That was a good try, Double D! Just because I wouldn’t buy the Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich again doesn’t mean I won’t come visit all the time and taste whatever new items you have rolling out next. Hey, didn’t your IPO just go really well? If you’re still feeling down after this review, I’ve got great news: Starbucks has buy-one-get-one-free holiday drinks this weekend. How about a gingerbread latte, my treat?

(Nutrition Facts – 550 calories, 320 calories from fat, 36 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 245 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,510 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Dunkin Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog. The melted cheese kept everything in place pretty well. Sandwich stayed hot on my walk home. It might’ve been a bit more filling than an average DD breakfast sandwich. There’s a Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame. Using the sandwich method of feedback. Buy-one-get-one-free gingerbread lattes.
Cons: Sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog. Smokehouse sausage wasn’t actually all that smoky. Half-links in an English muffin were awkwardly bulky. Tons of sodium and fat. $4 is too expensive for what would be considered a small hot dog. Judgmental baristas.

REVIEW: Eggo Seasons Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Waffles

Jasper 18 Comments

Eggo Seasons Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Waffles

With fall in full swing and Halloween just around the corner, everyone has got pumpkins on their foods and on their minds. I’ve recently consumed pumpkin pies, pumpkin breads, pumpkin spice lattes, and pumpkin ice creams. I’ve decided what my favorite pumpkin microbrew is (Woodstock Inn Autumn Ale), who would be Pumpkin Spice in a Spice Girls reboot (Snooki), and whether or not I can pull off calling people “pumpkin” (I can’t).

Despite not knowing what a real pumpkin even actually taste like, I was starting to get pretty sick of eating pumpkin flavors, thinking about pumpkins, and typing the word pumpkin.

The most recent contributor to my pumpkin fatigue is the Eggo Pumpkin Spice Waffles. As part of the Eggo “Seasons” line, these waffles are supposed to contain the autumn flavors of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger. I found them at Target on sale for $2.00 for a pack of 10.

When I opened the package, the fantastic aroma of the waffles hit me immediately. All the spices shined together and really captured what I imagine as the scent of autumn, or at least as the scent of autumn desserts. Throwing two waffles in the toaster was equivalent to lighting a flavored Yankee Candle in making my apartment smell delicious.

The waffles also tasted pretty appetizing, though not nearly as appetizing as they smelled. Cinnamon was the most noticeable spice, while the pumpkin flavor was fairly understated and left the waffles with slightly more sweetness and a touch of bitterness that regular Eggos don’t have.

Eggo Seasons Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Waffles Closeup

If you generally have maple syrup with your waffles, these Pumpkin Spice Eggos are definitely not flavorful enough to allow you to forgo your usual sweetening. (Sidenote: I love the Target brand maple syrup. I love their syrup on pancakes, I love it on pizza. I take their syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?)

I wouldn’t say the Pumpkin Spice version is the best limited edition waffle that Eggo has ever released, but they tasted good, smelled wonderful, and came at a really great price. If you’re tired of eating pumpkin flavors, too, you should still think about buying a couple packs – considering the waffles are just 20 cents each, I plan to leave them around the apartment and never go to Yankee Candle again.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – 210 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Eggo Seasons Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Waffles
Price: $2.00
Size: 10 waffles
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smelled fantastic. Tasted cinnamon-y and a bit sweeter than regular Eggos. Only $2 a box. Target brand maple syrup. Wedding Crasher quotes.
Cons: Didn’t taste as good as it smelled. Didn’t really taste all that different from a regular Eggo. Pumpkin fatigue. Not knowing what real pumpkins taste like. I don’t actually shop at Yankee Candle. But seriously, why are those Yankee Candles so expensive?

REVIEW: Domino’s Artisan Pizza (Spinach & Feta and Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)

Jasper 22 Comments

Domino's Spinach & Feta Artisan Pizza

When I signed up to review Domino’s new Artisan Pizzas, I immediately began thinking of disparaging comments to make about their choosing to use the word artisan. “Domino’s employees are to artisans,” I imagined myself writing, “as the Noid is to a relevant cultural icon.” That’s not even the cleverest or pithiest analogy I had lined up, if you can believe that’s even possible.

I was so ready to do the whole snarky-blogger thing, but Domino’s has preempted any snark by actually embedding it into their ad campaign. The text on their new pizza boxes starts with, “We’re not artisans, we don’t wear black berets,” and their new TV ad vilifies some vaguely French chef who’s acting like a prima donna. By acknowledging the images associated with artisans and wink-winking at the ridiculousness of their artisanal aspirations, the folks at Domino’s have managed to take all the fun out of making fun of them. (Although it’s great we can all still make fun of the French – what is with those berets, amirite?)

While they could get out in front of my snarkiness, I knew they couldn’t stop me from criticizing their crappy pizzas, and I was intent on writing a blistering review. There was only one problem: these pizzas were actually pretty good.

Each pizza was rectangular and cut into eighths, with all the toppings reasonably well-distributed across the slices. Both pizzas had crusts that were thinner and crispier than usual Domino’s fare but still structurally sound enough to support the toppings.

The Spinach & Feta pizza had alfredo sauce, feta and parmesan-asiago cheeses, fresh baby spinach, and onions. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a significant amount of feta, as its sharp tanginess was the primary flavor of the pizza. In some places the cheese was spread almost from edge-to-edge, leaving the crusts quite tasty, as well. The spinach and onions were noticeable in their contributions to the texture of the pizza, but I wish there had been more of each topping, as both were mostly overwhelmed by the feta.

Domino's Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio Artisan Pizza

The Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had parmesan-asiago cheese, sliced Italian sausage, and red, green, and banana peppers. The sausage was nothing special; it had some sweetness but wasn’t particularly spicy. I imagine it was the same as can be found on any other Domino’s pizzas, but serving it in thicker slices rather than the usual crumbles seemed to hold in the flavor better. The green and red peppers added some mild crunch, but they were completely upstaged by the banana peppers. The banana peppers were the clear-cut stars of the Pepper Trio, much like Beyonce to Destiny’s Child or Joe to the Jonas Brothers or somebody else that would make you look less poorly upon my musical tastes. I had never ordered a pizza with banana peppers before, but their strong vinegary, spicy presence on the Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio has convinced me to add banana peppers to the toppings rotation from now on. A generous dusting of oregano rounded out a pretty well-made pizza.

Domino's Artisan Pizza Slices

As far as other complaints go, the pizza was relatively pricey and fairly small compared to their regular offerings (they measure in at 13″ x 9″, so roughly the size of one of their medium pizzas for the price of a large). Still, I give these pizzas a thumbs-up, and they’re certainly better than Domino’s re-launched pizzas from last year. Domino’s, you guys are running some annoyingly self-aware ad campaigns, but as long as you keep up the tastiness of these Artisan Pizzas and the Francophobia in your commercials, I will make sure to keep my blogger snark in check.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/6th of a pizza – Spinach & Feta – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio – 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 330 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Domino’s Artisan Pizza reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Domino’s Artisan Pizza (Spinach & Feta and Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Price: $7.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Spinach & Feta)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Pros: Crust was thinner and crispier than regular Domino’s pizzas. Spinach & Feta had significant amount of feta cheese spread from crust-to-crust. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had delicious banana peppers and thickly-sliced sausage. Vilifying French people. Referencing the Noid. Beyonce’s having a baby!
Cons: Not enough spinach and onion to stand out against the feta. Green and red peppers were kind of useless. Pizzas were a bit expensive for the size. Domino’s pre-empting my snark. Spellcheck not recognizing snark as a word.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Chicken Salad Sandwich

Jasper 22 Comments

Dunkin' Donuts Chicken Salad Sandwich

Since starting at The Impulsive Buy, I’ve reviewed three new Dunkin’ Donuts products, none of which I was, um, all that crazy about. I fully intend, however, to continue reviewing their products because DD keeps introducing distinctive new items that pique my interest. (I suppose it also doesn’t hurt that there’s a Dunkin’ Donuts right across the street from my apartment and I’m too lazy to walk any farther to pick up other review items.) Their latest offering is the new Chicken Salad Sandwich.

After doing a limited rollout in the greater New York area a few months back, Dunkin’ Donuts has recently undertaken a broader release of the Chicken Salad Sandwich. I’m guessing the chicken salad is being marketed alongside the tuna salad to re-confuse Jessica Simpson about what exactly Chicken of the Sea is; similarly, I am making a Jessica Simpson joke to confuse any people who don’t remember their reality TV news from 2003.

I ordered my Chicken Salad Sandwich on a croissant and without cheese, just as it’s depicted in all the ads. At first glance, it looked like I probably could’ve asked for a Mayonnaise Sandwich with Some Chicken or Whatever Miscellaneous Meat You Have Back There, and I would’ve gotten more or less the same thing. Even good chicken salads aren’t particularly pleasing aesthetically, so I couldn’t judge the sandwich strictly on appearance.

Dunkin' Donuts Chicken Salad Sandwich Split

Unfortunately, the experience of actually eating the chicken salad wasn’t any better. The chunks of chicken were relatively sizable and plentiful, but they tasted very bland and were completely overpowered by the presence of the mayonnaise. The celery pieces added some much needed crunch to the texture of the chicken salad, yet there weren’t enough pieces to prevent the overall sandwich from being too mushy. The croissant was the same type Dunkin’ Donuts uses for their regular breakfast sandwiches, but this sandwich is served cold so my croissant was un-toasted and lacking in its customary flakiness.

As for the mayonnaise… well, the nicest thing I can say is that at least the mayo doesn’t suffer from both conditions of the famous Woody Allen quote “Boy the food at this place is really terrible.” “Yeah, I know, and such small portions!”  The mayo is definitely odd-tasting, and there’s plenty of it. At first it tasted jarringly sweet, and although each bite got me a bit more acclimated to the mayo’s sweetness, the blandness of the chicken and celery and the absence of any more ingredients meant the chicken salad just didn’t have any other flavors worth detecting. Additionally, more of the excess mayonnaise got squeezed out the sides of the sandwich with each bite, so the whole eating process was much messier than it really had to be.

The Chicken Salad Sandwich was altogether pretty bad. Once again, I would recommend you skip Dunkin’ Donuts’ latest offering. That being said, I appreciate their efforts in steadily introducing new products that are true departures from their regular menu and not just a re-packaging and re-naming of existing ingredients and items. (I’m looking at you, Taco Bell. I hope you know I ate that Beefy Melt Burrito because I was drunk and it was 99 cents, not because I thought you had something new and worth trying.) So Dunkin’ Donuts, stay the course and just keep coming out with different products, and I will keep trying them until that day comes when I can write a positive review on a new item I actually enjoy. (Or until I move into a new apartment, whichever comes first.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich on croissant – 560 calories, 340 calories from fat, 37 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 890 milligrams of cholesterol, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 4% calcium, and 15% iron.)

Other Dunkin’ Donuts Chicken Salad Sandwich reviews:
Foodette Reviews

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Chicken Salad Sandwich
Price: $2.99
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Chicken was sizable and plentiful. Celery added good crunch. Dunkin’ Donuts’ willingness to introduce actual new products. Having a Dunkin’ Donuts right across the street from my apartment. Annie Hall. Drunk-eating Taco Bell.
Cons: Chicken was bland. Not enough celery. Too much mayonnaise. Jarringly sweet mayonnaise. Croissant wasn’t toasted. Sandwich got messy. Drunk-eating Taco Bell.

REVIEW: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

Jasper 14 Comments

Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

The people running Subway might be the greatest salesmen in the world. They’ve positioned their sandwiches as health foods solely on the strength of one erstwhile fat guy’s crazy diet, and the five-dollar footlong campaigns have been so successful that they could actually ruin both the fast food and porn industries in one fell swoop. Subway’s marketing department has even had success in generating great publicity in fictional worlds, as seen by their support of Happy Gilmore’s epic quest to save his grandmother’s house and hook up with the hot blonde mom from Modern Family. At this point it almost feels ridiculous to doubt Subway’s ability to sell any and all of its products; you’re better off trying to dispute people’s enthusiasm for the new Harry Potter movie, hipsters’ willingness to wear sweaters in the summer, or my ability to use three sloppy analogies in a row.

And yet, I had doubts that a BBQ pulled pork sandwich could work at Subway. A pulled pork sandwich seems fundamentally different from all of Subway’s previous limited edition releases. Making a good pulled pork sandwich feels like it would require significantly more expertise than most other sandwiches. Also, judging by the number of hours dedicated to barbecue on the Food Network, people have a love for pulled pork that just doesn’t exist for, say, cold cut combos, so it would be extra disappointing if Subway did a poor job with a foodie-favorite. Finally, the sandwich costs $8.00, and at that price point you might as well spend the extra $2 and order two footlongs, which gets you double the porn jokes AND all your sodium for the week!

The process of actually ordering the sandwich did little to allay my doubts. The pulled pork was held in the same type of container as the tuna, which meant it was scooped out ice cream-style. I had assumed the pork would be held in the microwaveable cardboard trays; instead, the only heating the meat got was from the toasting of the overall sandwich. I watched in quiet anticipation of the barbecue sauce being added, but the woman behind the counter took my silence to mean I was satisfied with the current contents of my sandwich, and she began to wrap it up before I realized I had to specifically ask for the barbecue sauce. I suppose the Sandwich Artists can occasionally put together a masterpiece, but the output of this particular experience felt more like a poorly-followed color-by-numbers worksheet.

Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich Innards

By the time I sat down to actually eat, expectations were remarkably low. The pulled pork sandwich beat those expectations, though not by much. The pork was fairly flavorful, if a bit too salty, but the paste-like texture was rather unpleasant. I think the meat really could have benefited from a brief blast in the microwave, which possibly would have melted some fat and added some juiciness. The barbecue sauce was solid, with a nice smokiness and not too much sweetness, but because it was added last and not mixed in with the pulled pork, I was always acutely aware that I was eating “pulled pork with BBQ sauce on top” and not “BBQ pulled pork.”

Would I buy Subway’s BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich again? Probably not. Then again, I wouldn’t count out the Subway marketing team just yet. There could be some new jingle or a movie promotional tie-in that convinces me otherwise. Who knows, maybe they could even help make Adam Sandler movies funny again (but don’t hold your breath on that one).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 570 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 30% calcium, and 25% iron.)

Item: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Price: $8.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Pulled pork was flavorful. Barbecue sauce was smoky and not too sweet. Subway’s marketing department. Old Adam Sandler movies.
Cons: Pulled pork was paste-like. Pork wasn’t heated up at all. Barbecue sauce wasn’t mixed in with the meat. Sandwich Artistry. The potential ruination of the porn industry. New Adam Sandler movies.