Author: Jeff

REVIEW: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco

Jeff 27 Comments

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco

I imagine the executives in the Taco Bell wing of Yum! Brands sitting in their secret think tank. The foreboding hidden base is heavily fortified by seven layers of sour cream, guacamole, seasoned rice, beans, cheese, and tomatoes. Security guards armed with squirt bottles filled with “Fire” sauce ready to squeeze into the face of any unwelcome visitors.

Preening and fretting in their dark tailored suits, the executives were going over the 3rd quarter sales while trying to figure out the next big thing. “We need something that will put us at the Gorditop!” shouted Mr. CEO. “We need the public to get Chalupexcited again!!”

“I sure love Doritos,” said Executive One as he mowed in such sloppy fashion, leaving orange fingerprints on the papers he shuffled. Narrowing his eyes, Executive Three had an idea. She scribbled her notes in a frantic manner as everyone at the long conference table stared at her.

While clearing her throat, she asked, “What if we joined with Frito-Lay and asked them to make a big ass Doritos taco shell?” The silence was uncomfortable as everyone’s eyes now laid on Mr. CEO. More awkward silence and Executive Three began to wonder if the position at Taco Viva was still available.

“Get me Frito-Lay!” Mr. CEO gruffly said into the intercom. “…And give Executive Three the keycard to the grand executive bathroom with the chaise lounge! Begin phase one of our Meximeltamaster plan!” (Cue brooding evil music)

That is how I imagine the origins of the Doritos Locos Tacos began, but I am sure that it is much more mundane. I love Taco Bell. I love Doritos. Not since the team up of Marvel and DC comics in the late 90’s where they gave birth to joint character, “Access”, have I been looking forward to a shared creation.

Taco Bell and Frito-Lay should be commended. I am sure amongst the egos, logistics, and red tape; both companies eloquently persevered through all of it. And unlike the maligned superhero “Access”, I suspect that this product will prove to be popular with the consumers out there. I mean it’s a freaking taco with a nacho cheese Doritos shell. Gluttony be damned, this thing is tasty to put it directly.

Now we all know that Taco Bell has recently encountered controversy whether the beef is real. Coupled with the “pink slime” stories making the rounds at news outlets, some of you may still be put off by the idea. Look it’s Taco Bell, it’s the handjobs of food. We’re not talking about a meal worthy of Michelin stars or a dissertation of what the “chef” thought about when creating this. It’s Taco Bell and if you don’t like at least one item from the dependable Bell, you have no soul.

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Box

Excited I rode my scooter up to the drive-thru and bought the handy Doritos Locos Tacos big box. Each kit contains a burrito supreme, normal taco and a Doritos Locos taco (sauce packets not included so get out of your introverted shell and ask). By the way, is it me or don’t you love the way they are simplifying things and just handing you a box?

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Inside Box

Anyhoolies, the Doritos Locos Taco is basically a taco supreme dressed up in a giant Doritos chip. It’s akin to exchanging your shorts and Stereolab t-shirt for a pair of Banana Republic boot cut jeans and a black blazer. So if you do not like Taco Bell or their taco (you soulless bastard) then this item is not going to persuade you to turn.

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Sleeve

The wrapping of the taco is decorated with bold typeface proclaiming things such as “Awesome!” and “Doritos!” It put a tingle in my reconstructed metal reinforced spine. Tossing the paper, I am greeted by the smells of alpha male beefiness that is tempered by the crisp scent of lettuce. My urge to ravish this taco was uncontrollable but first I had to remove the additional wrap that said “Taco Bell on the inside. Doritos on the outside.” Yes, voice in my head, I will do your bidding.

The richness of the beef in the taco sauce balanced extremely well with the generous amount of crunchy shreds of lettuce. The tomato bits were slightly sweet and added a necessary acidic touch. Additionally the cold milky sour cream is pleasant with the warm taco meat. I don’t know if it is real sour cream or something made in the back with powder, Taco Bell’s sour cream is aces. If I could buy the sour cream, I would and brush my teeth with it.

The cheddar cheese scattered in the taco didn’t really do much for me on its own. It was on the lettuce so it’s not melted and the bits are so thin, it was almost flavorless. A taco, however, is a complete package. Unless you are psychopath, no one deconstructs a taco and eats each part separately. The cheese makes its personality known when you eat everything as a whole, as it accentuated the creaminess in texture.

Be careful, my taco fell apart after a couple of bites. Sometimes the sauce will soak through the shell and the end result is messy. The filling slathered my hands like the worst but most delicious lotion ever.

The nacho cheese Doritos shell adds a slight punch of saltiness to the taco that gives it a satisfying full mouth flavor. The shell alone has a slight smoky flavor that lends well to the taco. This is not a gimmick alone, the shell makes a difference. The shades of salt and vinegar from the nacho Doritos shell compliment the taco very well.

I bought the taco twice from two different Taco Bell locations to ensure consistency and taste. They were both identical and damn yummy. One notable drawback is if you wait too long to eat the taco, it will get soggy within its package. That’s not the fault of Taco Bell, it is only natural that occurs.

I believe these should be available at Taco Bell’s near you as most of the ones around me carry it. The Doritos Locos Taco is pure sadomasochistic joy joy for your tongue. The wrapper says “Celebrate Awesomeness” and yes, every time you bite into one of these you are doing just that.

(Nutrition facts – 1 taco – 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 9 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco reviews:
Tampa Bay Food Monster
That Bootleg Guy
The Smidview
An Immovable Feast

Item: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco
Price: $1.79 just for the taco or $5.00 for the box (which includes a normal taco and burrito supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased: Taco Bell
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The Doritos shell adds depth and flavor. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you like them. Great texture. All the tastes balance extremely well. Gimmick or not, this taco is delicious. Darkclaw.
Cons: Soggy if you don’t eat it right away. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you do not like them. Unhealthy but you have to live once in a while. Falls apart at times. Access.

REVIEW: Mint Dark Chocolate M&M’s

Jeff 10 Comments

Mint Dark Chocolate M&M's

I should phone in this review like M&M’s phoned in these candies. When I hear dark chocolate and mint in the same sentence, I am thinking angels blowing into trumpets. This is followed by the confetti dropping, balloons floating and marching bands doing their rendition of the Utah Saints’ Mortal Kombat theme song, which is always terrible.

I have a penchant for both flavors and when combined, it is pure ecstasy. Some people hold peanut butter and chocolate as the most perfect union since Morrissey and Marr. Me? It is mint and chocolate.

Even though they are not dark chocolate, I have been known to hoard boxes of creamy Andes. Those foil wrapped miniature packages neatly lined in a row like files, the only candies that satiate my craving and OCD. I know I’m getting ahead of myself so let me slow down and explain. Mars (the company, not the planet continually invading us for all sorts of insipid reasons) brings us Mint M&M’s made with Dark Chocolate. I’m guessing “made” for Mars must mean “let’s pretend”.

The Coconut M&M’s are decent but the pretzel ones made me want to feed them to my neighbor’s yappy dogs that bark non-stop (shut up damn you!!!). I buy the dark chocolate peanut ones when I find them because those are chocolate heroin. So hit or miss, I’m always going to try any variety M&M’s releases. However, I may amend my decision after eating these.

You know that feeling when you’re in class or a meeting, and voices start to melt into a
numbing drone? The only thing keeping you awake is your urge to pee so you continue to drink that warm bottle of water for survival. You realize the notes you are scribbling are in reality a bunch of geometric shapes or stick figures doing dances (maybe something worse). Your daydreams start to lull the brain to shut down and take a nap. Well that is what happened to my taste buds when I ate these things.

That is correct, they passed out. As if they stole a couple of tabs of Ambien, my own taste buds freaking signed off and fell asleep. I swear I saw the old color pattern and heard the long tone when stations used to go off the air at night.

Are they bad? Are they good? Like my wife’s reaction to Giorgio Moroder’s version of “Metropolis”, indifferent. The M&M’s are neither minty enough nor bitter for my liking. They taste like the normal ones a half hour after you brushed your teeth and Listerined your mouth.

Mint Dark Chocolate M&M's Closeup

Upon biting the familiar candy shell, you are left tasting chocolate with a very limp mint flavor. The chocolate is a tad buttery which is normal for M&M’s but I could not detect any of the dark chocolate. The weakness of the mint is an understatement. The weakness of the dark chocolate is worse as it hardly makes its presence. The aftertaste is a strange sweet mint pastiness that remains there like an unwelcome guest that won’t go home already.

It’s like rebound sex after a crushing breakup or eating “Chinese” at Panda Express. It fills the need but will ultimately leave you dissatisfied. There were no rewards, no emotion, no enjoyment and worse, my desire for those flavors were still screaming at me.

“What happened?” my stomach asked.

“Shit if I know.” I whispered quietly to myself. “My tongue flatlined yo.”

“Yo?”

“Shuddap stupid stomach.”

“You both shut up!” screamed my kidney.

Annoying, the M&M’s are shades of dark and light green as if to remind me they were supposed to be minty. These didn’t suck if you love the normal M&M’s but if you wanted that clean and roasted flavor, you will be disappointed. I’m not sure if disappointed really expressed what I am going for. I think betrayed is more like it.

Speaking of betrayal, my wife likes them but agrees the dark chocolate seems to be missing. She thinks the mint is at an even level but I want somewhere near the vicinity of Junior Mints. Additionally, she dated and married me, so what does my wife know about taste?

I’m not going to go as far to say these are awful because they are not. What they are is misleading. You are better off chewing a piece of spearmint gum for a minute or crunching a peppermint hard candy and then eating some regular M&M’s. That seems more trouble than necessary, which is the overwhelming message I got from eating these, “Why bother?”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack (1.50 ounce bag) – 210 calories, 10 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Mint Dark Chocolate M&M’s:
Candyblog

Item: Mint Dark Chocolate M&M’s
Price: $1.29
Size: 1.50 ounce bag
Purchased: A Non-Descript 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: That candy shell is still fun to bite into. The chocolate is buttery and slightly rich. Satisfying your mental quirks and cravings in one quick stroke. Finally peeing and shouting “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” after holding it for so long. Mars Attacks!
Cons: The mint is weak. The dark chocolate is weaker. Having conversations with your own organs. White Hen Pantry was gobbled up by 7-Eleven, booooo to corporate synergy. Ghosts of Mars.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream

Jeff 10 Comments

Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake

You know how when you feel shitty and you want to get yourself in the fetal position, put on something starring Ryan Gosling and cradle a carton of ice cream? That’s not me. In fact, I kind of find ice cream boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional soft serve vanilla (with rainbow sprinkles) or spumoni, but ice cream just normally doesn’t do it for me. To be honest if I am feeling a bit down, the idea of planting myself on the couch and eating ice cream sounds dreadful and suffocating.

However, like all things in life, the universe and everything…there is always an exception. How else to explain that Jesus Jones still has a recording contract? Two men who are probably the Antichrist (or at least Gozer and Vigo from Ghostbusters) are Ben and Jerry. You see I cannot help myself when it comes to their ice creams.

I have to say most of their flavors are consistently good. I have eaten their tried and beloved ones like Cherry Garcia to some oddball varieties like Late Night Snack. I cannot think of one I really disliked except Boston Cream Pie, but that’s totally my fault. I don’t like Boston cream pie but for some sadomasochistic reason I bought it.

It is an understatement to explain how ecstatic I was when I found Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake flavor. Where were you during the sullen holidays? It doesn’t matter. I grabbed one of the few remaining pints and ran to the checkout lane. I haven’t been this excited since I found out my wife may be deported.

Brushing off the frost that has collected, I smiled to no one in particular and let it sit out exactly twelve minutes. These scant minutes will allow the ice cream to have the perfect consistency where it should slightly give as the spoon cuts into it smoothly. When that buttery richness slowly goes down your throat, it is ninth level of bliss. The only thing I can compare this to is a longing kiss from someone you love who is NOT a mail order bride, the first sip of a cold and floral gin martini or looting that ubersword with 1,500,003 hit points in Diablo II. It is obvious that my expectation for Ben & Jerry’s are set very high.

Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Closeup

I am happy to say that Pumpkin Cheesecake exceeds it enough where I want to eat the whole pint. Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream comes complete with swirls of graham crackers. Ben & Jerry, as usual do a great job of incorporating all of its ingredients. Each spoonful is a harmonious symphony of all its flavors to recreate the taste of eating a pumpkin cheesecake.

Immediately, the taste of slight cinnamon from the graham cracker crumbles makes its presence. The texture is so pleasant since the “crust” is actually a fine powder. This mixes very well with the rich cream. The graham crackers hit your taste buds hard but leave immediately like a shank to your back for not sharing your toilet bowl moonshine.

Here is what Ben & Jerry’s does so well. The cinnamon flavor quickly fades off into the rich and creamy taste of the pumpkin cheesecake. The flavors are so thoughtful. You taste the pumpkin pie before the recognizable taste of cheesecake takes over and finally sends you off to another spoonful. The ice cream itself is dense, creamy and buttery but I wouldn’t expect otherwise. It’s like a well-choreographed burlesque show, sure there’s boobies but you’re captivated by the music as well as the dance.

The ingredients, as always, are of high quality. The great thing about the cheesecake is it doesn’t have that off-putting cream cheese taste some cheesecakes are prone to have. That’s a sign of quality cheesecake and only emphasizes that this ice cream, while is sweet can also be a bit savory. You can just feel the pounds adding on that will later be filled with remorse as you weigh yourself. But wasn’t it worth it? Hell yes, sweat pants are cheap anyhow.

My only complaint is the pumpkin taste could be more intense. I felt that the cheesecake part sometimes would override the pumpkin depending on my spoonful but that is a minor quibble. Ben & Jerry are very good at balancing flavor with that seductive texture we all love about ice cream. This limited batch is no exception.

So on a shit day when everything goes wrong, would I find myself on the couch burying myself with ice cream and Ryan Gosling? No, unless you have Blue Valentine or Drive playing. However, I probably would still find myself clutching a glass of cognac while unfurling the West Elm or Pottery Barn catalogs to wind down, but Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream would come in at a close second.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 290 calories, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream
Price: $3.59
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Publix Supermarket (the one where there’s a Publix liquor shop next to it so I can buy pork rinds and rum in one shopping trip.)
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Even the most petulant towards ice cream may smile at this one. It is buttery, creamy, dense and seductive. The texture is as good as the flavor. Jesus Jones was ahead of its time in the nineties, especially the Perverse album. The ice cream is exactly what you expect it to taste like, freakin’ Pumpkin Cheesecake! Ryan Gosling’s Drive (and I admit Crazy Stupid Love).
Cons: This is a limited Batch and being after the holidays, it may even more difficult to hunt down. The pumpkin flavor could be a bit stronger. Jesus Jones hasn’t aged well today but you cannot deny wanting to sing along to “International Bright Young Thing.” Ryan Gosling’s The Notebook, I laugh uncontrollably during the dementia scenes which makes me an asshole.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts

Jeff 6 Comments

Kellogg's Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts

Pop-Tarts are just friggin’ weird. They resemble a tart as much as I look like actor Tom Cruise, or even pre/post-drug fiend Tom Sizemore. The pastry is exactly two ninety degree angles that form an exact rectangle scarier than the black monolith in Kubrick’s classic. Instead of being filled with stars, Dave, it is filled with jam, calories, carbohydrates and sodium. The frosting is shiny like nail polish and is harder than fondant. So yes, this is not health food but its shape does scream convenience.

You won’t find Pop-Tarts in a bakery. When you give them to a child, you can’t help but make the “sorry face.” All the cool kids have the Toaster Strudels but Pop-Tarts have persevered through all of it. These ubiquitous things have remained a part of our existence and I am sure when the Sun starts expanding in its death, the waters on Earth have dried up, all mammals have become pieces of tasty jerky, those Pop-Tarts are still going to survive. I know so.

And as weird as they are, like Tom Sizemore and his old drug habit, I have a strong compulsion to buy any new flavor of Pop-Tarts I see. I just have to. I don’t care if I get mostly disappointed when I eat them. I just need to have them now. It’s the same exact feeling I get when I buy supermarket sushi or when I watch German art films.

I habitually stop by the Pop-Tarts section when I go to down the cereal aisle. To my delight, I saw a box of Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts. With a title like that, I was expecting this to rival the KY Jelly Fire and Ice. I could blame The Impulsive Buy and say I bought these because I am obligated to review them. In truth, I would have bought them anyway because I just need to.

From gumdrops to Sunkist, I love all things orange flavored. The fact there is an orange pictured amongst the fruits pictured on the box will probably be the closest thing I will ever get to a marmalade Pop-Tart. To be specific, there is a strawberry and cherry pictured as well. I’m assuming this is the fruit fusion which doesn’t seem that wild but it’s Pop-Tarts we’re talking about here.

Kellogg's Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts Burnt

Amusing to me, the only fruits listed in the ingredients are cherries and apples. Even more fascinating are the instructions on how to toast your goodies. I’m not sure what it says about its target audience. They even have a diagram to emphasize how to toast these things. More depressing is what does this say about me? I had to toast another because I burned my first pastry.

I normally eat these untoasted but I will review these Pop-Tarts in both the raw and the cooked form.

Kellogg's Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts Closeup

Unsheathing the treat out of its silver wrapper, it was a bit comical to me how vibrant the colors of the frosting were. It looked like someone slathered mustard on it and then zig zagged ketchup (in true 1950’s kitsch) all over the tart. This thing could double as Jem’s truly outrageous maxi-pad.

In the simplest form, without toasting, the crust is dry as expected. The frosting is the same vague sweet flavor that can be found on all Pop-Tarts with that unnatural sugar shell. The bite is surprisingly a bit tart and not overly sweet. I like it because it is not an abundance of immediate sugar that will numb your tongue.

The jam itself has a strong cherry flavor but I’m not sure if it overwhelmed the orange and strawberry. Not really a surprise since they aren’t listed in the ingredients. I ended up taking a couple more bites and only the tart cherry jam shines through. That is kind of disappointing but the fact that this (let’s face it, these things are really big cookies) is not as sweet as the other flavors is a plus.

Toasted, it smells like baked sugar but not in a welcoming bakery way. It’s just baked sugar. I hate that smell which is why I never toast them, but I’m also lazy. Texture wise, the frosting adds a nice crispness and the jam is even more intense. The taste is improved but not enough for me to bother toasting these things. I’m making a “lazy face” here.

Let’s be honest and come to an agreement that nobody really craves these things. There are better ways to spend 200 calories and the sodium is high enough to offset my blood pressure meds. I can’t tell you how many unfinished boxes of Pop-Tarts I have chucked out. I liked this one despite the repulsive color frosting but will probably not finish the box.

I would still make the “sorry face” if I had to give one to my little niece or any other kids looking for a snack. Yet, I (in a non-committal way) would eat these again as I made the “yeah, I know” face. So yeah reader, I know.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of Saturated fat, 2 grams if Polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 170 mg of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than one gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts
Price: $1.99
Size: 14.1 ounces/8 toaster pastries
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The tart sweetness is a nice change. Easy to hold. Tom Sizemore in Heat. Tom Cruise in Collateral (Michael Mann is the man). Making faces. If you love cherry, you cannot go wrong. Toasting it has a nice texture. 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Cons: No orange flavor. Easy to burn if you’re a dummy like me. Crust is dry but that’s to be expected. Wild frosting does nothing for the Pop-Tart. The color is a bit gross looking. Tom Sizemore in that sex video. Tom Cruise in MI:2. Loaded with sodium, unless you love sodium! 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran

Jeff 9 Comments

Kellogg's Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran

I outgrew a lot of things, shedding interests like Beat Takeshi dispatches bodies in his awesome Yakuza films. I outgrew “yo mama” jokes. I outgrew my obsession with INXS. I even outgrew prank calling Chinese people claiming I was a pizza delivery guy and someone better Goddamn pay me or else (sorry Yen Sun wherever you are). To be honest, *69 proved to be my Kryptonite and effectively stopped me from my misdemeanant hobby. But you know? I have never outgrown cereal.

Hopping off my glorious Vespa, I arrogantly parked my scoot right by the side of the automatic double glass doors. Walking past the scowls of employees and customers, I was in Target looking for two things: some plug-in air fresheners and Frosted Flakes. Even though I enjoy eating the occasional fancy lad food (shaved truffles may have lost some of its allure thanks to the nouveau riche infection but they sure are tasty), a simple bowl of cereal comforts me like none other.

I can eat a bowl for any meal or a late night snack. I love eating “mini-wheats” out of the box as if they were cookies. Is it the perfect comfort food? No, but it is close since cereal is so familiar and convenient. And if you’re a faithful reader of The Impulsive Buy, you can tell that we have more choices than ever for cereal.

My selection for cereal is shameless. As an adult man who favors blazers, I feel like I should really be ordering a proper drink (and I do! Chin, chin!!) regardless if I act like an adult at the end of the night. An adult man ordering a Jägerbomb is plain embarrassing. Don’t even get me started on the Red Bull and vodkatinis…I’d rather be caught drinking a can of Four Loko wearing a shiny shirt with a spiky fade.

Ah, but cereal! Lovely sexy cereal with milk and the silver spoon, I lurve you. I would be happy with a bowl of Lucky Charms as I would be with a bowl of fart inducing Weetabix topped with blueberries. I have no problem eating Froot Loops while watching something responsible where everyone speaks in English accents. My love affair with all things cereal is one of the few constants in my life.

You know suicide sodas? Mixing all the flavors from the dispensers to create an amalgam of sugary fizzy goodness? I’m like that with cereals. Like a chemist, I would mix some Corn Flakes with Alpha-Bits and some puffy Kix to top it off. So just when I thought I couldn’t top off my cereal porn anymore, I found a box of Kellogg’s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran.

Raisin Brain is like your old standard, like Tony Bennett. It’s not something I want to listen to all the time but when I do, it’s pretty damn good. I like Raisin Bran but need to be in the mood for it. I engulfed a box of it when I recuperated from my car accident. I always thought it made my skim milk creamier and I loved the sweet chewiness from the slightly soggy raisins. So this version reminds me of the Michael Bublé take of Raisin Bran.

The box eschews any thoughts that this is your Grandfather’s Raisin Bran with “Cinnamon Almond” blazed on to the box with a yellow brown background. The famous “Two scoops!” tagline and the earnest looking sun holding exactly two scoops beckons you to open that box.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran Closeup

Upon ripping the cellophane bag, the waft of toasted wheat and sweet raisins welcomed me. There is a pleasant but very faint smell of baked cinnamon rolls that emanates way in the background but this is cereal not wine. The cereal had quite a few raisins sans “plump” but there were seldom any almonds in my bowl. I dumped the bowl back into the package. This time I shook up the box like I’d shake any convicted bastard in a shaken baby case to see how they like it and poured another. The result was the same, a good amount of raisins but the thin slivers of almonds were so few.

The almonds were supposedly toasted as well but I couldn’t taste it. Eating a few without milk confirmed my suspicions. The cinnamon is so faint that it basically whispers “Hey don’t forget about me.” Knowing that most people eat their cereal in milk, I went ahead and proceeded to dine like the normals do hoping that the cinnamon taste would be more prevalent.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran GlassThe milk did indeed emphasize the slight cinnamon taste. In fact, I think the cinnamon was now whispering, “Here I am. See? Why didn’t you believe me? You have trust issues.” Definitely, the cinnamon smell was stronger than the taste. While it does state that the cinnamon is dusted but damn…I think there is more cinnamon flavor if I sucked on the box. Most of the cinnamon taste was in the milk left after you’ve eaten it all.

Regarding the line that breaches the crunchy/soggy measure, if it takes you more than a few minutes to eat a bowl you are either: eating too big of a bowl or you don’t like the cereal. I’ve never done formal tests but I’m assuming most people take a couple of minutes or so to eat cereal.

I went ahead and let the bran sit in milk for exactly 120 seconds and it stayed crunchy. The raisins rehydrated slightly which is good but plumpness is overly optimistic. Another plus? The good news is that if you like Raisin Bran you will not be disappointed because it tastes like Raisin Bran with some almonds your jerky younger brother threw in there to be funny. Now I like Raisin Bran but I really was hoping for a different spin on the cereal.

My love for cereal is still strong but I would not buy this again. I can only eat so much Raisin Bran and I can only listen to so much Rat Packy/Swing Jazz standards. Now please tell my wife to turn off the Michael Bublé. My ears are bleeding.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 1/4 cup (cereal only) – 200 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 260 milligrams of potassium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran
Price: $2.99
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Super Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like Raisin Bran. Stays crunchy and makes your milk slightly cinnamony. Prank phone calls. People scowling at you. Beat Takeshi’s films.
Cons: It tastes like Raisin Bran. The cinnamon taste is barely there. Few measly slivers of almonds. Taste wise, the only toasted thing were the flakes. Justifying prank calling by telling myself I’m only goofing on my own nationality so I won’t feel guilty…Damn you *69! Michael Bublé.