Author: Jeff

REVIEW: Mello Yello Zero

Jeff 8 Comments

Mello Yello Zero

Back when I was in college I drank a lot of Fruitopia and Surge. Surge was Coca-Cola’s answer to Mountain Dew. They even aped the extreme sports campaign of Mountain Dew but no matter, I liked Surge and was impartial to the Mountain. In some stupid way I thought drinking Surge was cooler because it was not as popular as Mountain Dew at my university.

Yeah…I was one of those idiots who felt that if things got popular, they were no longer good. Screaming “sell out” while I had an ill-conceived mohawk and noshing on Asian shrimp flavored snacks. God, if I could go back in time I would kick myself in the ghoulies and then wipe the mud off my Cole Haan’s all over my 1995 version’s face.

“Grow the fuck up kid,” I would shout, grabbing myself by his/my ratty Stereolab t-shirt. Then I would drop me back on the ground and kick me 300-style down a pit. Like a cliché, I would raise my arms in victory to the opus of the Maximum Overdrive soundtrack, AC/DC’s “Who Made Who?”

Anyhow, as time went on I discovered martinis and manhattans. Surge eventually went the way of the Sega Dreamcast, pogs and Tamagotchis (which taught a generation to never have kids or pets because the damn thing was so needy). Around this time I noticed a soft drink with the ugliest logo ever called Mello Yello.

I remember that soda when I was a little kid. More importantly, I remembered the original 70’s logo with the cool bubble letters. It reminded me of the neon Doctor Who emblem with Peter Davison. I didn’t know what this strange font was all about but bought a can anyway because I have always wanted to try it. It was too sweet for my taste and I couldn’t get past that wacky lettering. I forgot it and whenever had a rare craving for a citrus soda, I took to Mountain Dew. It was convenient and readily available.

Recently, the House of Coke added Mello Yello to their successful Zero line. If you have tasted the regular Mello Yello but think it is way too sweet you will be in for a pleasant surprise with the Zero edition. I have tried all of the Zero line and personally, I mostly prefer them over the diet versions. First, they taste almost close to the regular versions. Second, the obvious artificial sweetness found in some of the diet ones are muted in the Zero editions.

I really dislike sodas that are amped up in the sweetness department and was concerned about my last encounter with Yello (the soda, not the band). However with the Zero brand, I had to try it and I think my 1995 counterpart would agree as well. The black can is punched up with the retro 70’s logo. “The original smooth” line purred on the can. It sounds more appropriate as a tagline for a Tarantino flick doesn’t it?

Mello Yello Zero Closeup

I love citrus soft drinks so if you do not, Mello Yello Zero won’t change your mind. Granted I can only drink about one of these every so often because too much of it kills me and I’m now a cola guy. The taste is sweet enough for my preference and not so sugary that it leaves a sticky film on your teeth. Wait, let my 1995 version tell you himself.

Jeff: “Drink this and tell them what you think!”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: “What? I’m drawing a comic book about goth superheroes… AND this stuff is neon yellow-green like a glow stick that all those ravers dance with, what is this bro? It’s weird looking.”

Jeff: “Shut up and drink it or I’ll rip up your damn Sandman comics autographed by Gaiman!”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: (sniffs the glass) “Okay, okay, smells of faint lemons but dude, this looks like the Toxic Avenger’s urine test, brah.”

Jeff: “Did I really talk like that? Would you freaking drink it already?”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: (takes a cautious sip) “You can taste some kind of citrus fruit and it isn’t overcome by any sweetness. It’s actually refreshing, and a lemon-lime flavor hits the back of your throat. It’s bereft of any syrupy unpleasant aftertaste.”

Jeff: “Bereft? Who says that???”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: “I will say that if someone like sodas on the sweeter side, this may be a bit too bland for their taste buds.”

Jeff: “Good point Jeff and it has to be consumed cold immediately because it doesn’t taste great at all as it heads toward room temperature. Now can you turn off that Prodigy CD? Damn you have bad taste in music too!”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: “Look I drank it, leave me alone yo. This world doesn’t need more suits, what happened to you and your dreams of becoming an artist? Oooh, lookatme I’m too busy looking up laws and shit, I’m so important, lookatme…Big deal bozo!”

Jeff: “SHUT UP…And note in a year, when a woman buys you a New Monkees CD to impress you, she is hinting that she wants to date you. NOT talk about all thirteen episodes of the damned show you idiot!” (Kicks 1995 Jeff in the baklavas)

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: (Wriggles in pain and disappears in a flash back to the land of horrible Ace of Base singles)

So there you have it. If you like Diet Mountain Dew, I recommend you give Mello Yello Zero a pull. The soda doesn’t have a strong artificial sweetness that I find in other diet drinks. I also recommend you stay away from those Ace of Base singles…yeesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mello Yello Zero
Price: $3.00 for a 12 pack case
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It is quite refreshing if cold. Not overly sweet. Time travelling to warn yourself of the upcoming pitfalls. Low in the sodium department. Varied enough to not taste like Diet Mountain Dew. New Monkees.
Cons: It is quite yucky if it starts to reach room temperature. The color will remind you of glow sticks. Time traveling may cause Butterfly effect (the theory, not the stupid film). May be too low in the sweet department for some. May be a miss for fans who like Diet Mountain Dew. Ace of Base.

REVIEW: Wendy’s The “W”

Jeff 24 Comments

Wendy's The W

“W” can mean a lot of things. It is the 23rd letter in the alphabet. It could be the line of luxury hotels owned by Starwood properties. It’s the name of the glossy fashionista magazine that nobody reads but it looks great on your coffee table. It also reminds me of a campaign used by a certain former President. Currently, it means a hamburger that promises each heady mouthful will be packed with the flavor of pickles.

Meet Wendy’s new and arrogantly named hamburger The “W.” Yep. It. Is. THE. “W!”

I have to admit the name commands attention. The “W” conjures up ideas that this burger is the beginning and end of all fast food hamburgers. The ornate packaging would have me believe The “W” is not merely a double meat patty with cheese between two pieces of bread. No, it is the sandwich that will bring about world peace, help you find the mysterious God particle (that’s Higgs Boson to you brainiacs) and hold promises of giving your partner multiple orgasms.

Like the hucksters of yesteryear offering a tonic for all that ails you, most things that promise too much are bound to disappoint. Anybody who has played Skyrim or seen this season of The Walking Dead knows what I am talking about.

Wendy's The W Box

The burger is eloquently wrapped in white paper to suggest that what you are actually carrying is a fine marbled rib eye freshly cut from the butcher. Underlining the importance of this sandwich and adding to the pomp, it is tucked in a folder shouting all kinds of things like “fresh!” and “quality!!”

That, however, is where the façade ends and what you have is the fast food equivalent of a Pandora’s Box. Comparable to the Big Mac, The “W” has two patties, special sauce, tomato, pickles, red onion and two slices of cheese. And trust me, the sauce is very special which I will get to in a minute.

Wendy's The W Innards

The promotional pictures for The “W” appeared nothing like the actual burger. My sandwich consisted of two limp square beef patties bordering on a chic gray color scheme. There’s the obligatory cheese topped on each slate. A wilted leaf of iceberg, a depressing slice of tomato, some pickles and slivers of red onion complimented the disaster. Then the sauce was slathered sloppily on the bun, which was toasted but not buttery as Wendy’s promised. I could be wrong since freckle face was so heavy handed with the sauce.

Now about that sauce…the website states it’s the savory signature sauce with hints of tomato, pickle and red pepper. To hint is to suggest slightly, but for Wendy’s it means to grab you by the head, slam your face into the wet spot on the carpet, nose buried deep and then scream in your ear “BAD DOGGIE! BAD BAD BAD DOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”

If the sauce is signature, it is not a graceful Hancock. It is a scrawled letter X signed by an incompetent psychopath who flings their own poop at the television when the theme song to “The Price is Right” comes on. The sauce is so briny and strong with pickles, it tastes like thousand island dressing amped up with mega-ultra-relish. It is also very vinegary which intensifies the brine and is off-putting. Honestly, drinking a douche would rival the tang of the sauce.

This did not help the cadaver-like meat or the drippy cheese or the lettuce which seemed like an afterthought. The toasted buns were soggy. It was like a victim of a circle jerk but the loser did not eat the bread. The only positive note was the red onion which added a nice sweet and spicy bite. However, you would be wise just to buy a red onion and eat it like an apple.

I am surprised by this evil offspring from hell because I normally like Wendy’s. I have fond memories of The Baconator. The website said “it is doubly amazing” and they list it as a premium hamburger. This sandwich is no more amazing in the single sense than it is twice. Forgetting to flush the toilet after a dinner of tripe sautéed in black bean sauce and reconstituted dried salted fish is more amazing.

Damn, emptying the contents of my used condom on to a hamburger would be more amazing! Wow, I’m really angry about this. When I eat at a fast food place, I’m not expecting meat at Luger levels but I’m also not expecting inmate cafeteria dreck.

I agree there are so many tasteless “potty jokes” in my review. Yes. But they taste much better than this burger. “Big flavor doesn’t have to mean big bucks”, touts the website. The flavor is indeed very big, but Wendy’s forgot to make the flavor good.

(Nutrition Facts – 580 calories, 290 calories from fat, 33 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fats, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,480 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 32 grams of protein.)

Other Wendy’s The “W” reviews:
Grub Grade
Grub Gripe (video)
Foodette Reviews

Item: Wendy’s The “W”
Price: $2.99 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: You can pick up a Frosty or a Baconator while there. The red onions add a good kick. Images of people flinging poop in top hats make me laugh. Toasted buns are a good idea. Freckles.
Cons: The beef, the cheese, the pickle, the tomato. The sauce is too briny. Saying things that are “double amazing” when you cannot even get to the “singular” amazing. Loser eats the bread. Speaking of bread, the nice texture of toasted buns are nullified when it becomes soggy due to too much sauce. Skyrim, like seriously what am I supposed to do next?

REVIEW: Pepsi Kick (Mexico)

Jeff 17 Comments

Pepsi Kick

Three rules about Mexico.

1. Don’t mess with Danny Trejo, he will eff you up. What? He’s American? ..from California?

2. The Volcano taco’s rule. Huh? That’s not Mexican? You’re kidding me? Not even the red shell part? (hangs head in shame).

3. Coolest thing ever from Mexico: Menudo’s “Like a Cannonball” (Spanish Language version is the ONLY version). Seriously??? They are from Puerto Rico? Really? Aw man I just suck.

Everyone knows the other cardinal rule but please indulge me as I amend it: do not drink the water, but drink the Pepsi Kick.

This product answers the question, “What would happen if Pepsi and Fruit Punch Kool-Aid had unprotected sticky wet sex and made a chubby cute drooly baby?” Meet Pepsi Kick and this variation is one of the tastiest shades I have gulped down in a long time. Even better, no calories and it is sugar free.

Now I know you are asking yourself, “Why the hell did you review something that is only available in Mexico?” Ah hah! I truly suspect that this soda is available in many of our friendly Hispanic markets in the states (friendly as long as you don’t point and giggle at the funny names for products like I do). Further evidence you ask?

The bottle I acquired has cross promotion with the NFL, specifically I bought a bottle that have the Jets and one with the Giants packaging. My understanding is that all thirty-two teams are represented which would lead me to believe that these were intended for the American market as well. I could do without the Jacksonville Jaguars version but everyone’s a critic in this day and age. Suck it Jacksonville!!!

Pepsi Kick CloseupI came across Pepsi Kick during a pause from drinking gin martinis and eating fish roe on water crackers. You see, our cruise ship stopped off in Cozumel. The first thing I did, besides glaring at the people hawking gaudy touristy tee-shirts and glass bottles pressed like a Panini (who buys that crap?), was to run toward the convenience store.

Next to hanging out on the pool lounge where endless pina colada’s are hefted, Valhalla to me during a cruise are the foreign convenience stores I encounter when we dock. I could not wait to see all the foreign products.

My goal was to buy some Mexican-only Lays potato chip flavors and bottles of Mexican Coca-Cola’s which are sweeter and necessary in making a killer Cuba Libre cocktail. Yes, yes…I know the irony of using a Mexican product to make a Cuban cocktail and all the dislike of the two. Sue me. I lived the Chinese-Japanese-Korean triangle of hate, so I understand. My parents still haven’t forgiven me for having our rehearsal dinner at a sushi restaurant. Marrying a white person still irks them.

So what gives Pepsi this kick? And why am I asking myself all these questions in this written article? Because I am off my meds and like Richard Bachman, my twinner demands attention.

Pepsi Kick LogoThis Pepsi has three unique qualities. First, it is loaded with caffeine. Second, it contains disgusting ginseng root. My grandparents used to punish me when I was a child by making me chew on some ginseng. I can still taste it to this day, a dull bitterness that got worse with each bite. Gah! I would rather eat a meal “two girls, one cup” style (Dated joke? Perhaps).

Third, Pepsi’s logo is a bit different (as seen in the picture). I heard that Pepsi has been phasing out their logo, so perhaps this is the new one. I could be wrong, I’m a Coke guy (not the hedge fund manager kind).

Ginseng. Caffeine. Energy drink right? Thus the “kick” label. Notwithstanding the gross ginseng, thank goodness the Pepsi didn’t taste like the horrible root at all. The flavor was definitely all cola, but it had a nice clean fruit punch flavor after each sip. I loved it so much. Me loves you Pepsi Kick!!! Furthermore, the cola wasn’t so sweet and void of any syrupy wash left in my mouth or throat.

The bottle is labeled with “Despierta” which I believe means “Awake.” Not sure if it jazzed me up or made me want to lift a giant novelty Energizer battery like Jacko did in those commercials (look them up, when I was a child Jacko was the man until he guest starred on “Knight Rider”) but the taste won me over. (Wow, really dated joke.)

I’m not sure if a drink is refreshing if you’re not thirsty and what drink isn’t if you are? I will say this…Pepsi Kick is worth hunting for. Forage for them when you hit your neighborhood Hispanic market or when in Mexico, pick up one or twelfty. You will not be disappointed. I was wriggling in anxiety, scared that the customs agents wouldn’t let me carry the few bottles I bought back on the ship. I was able to smuggle them onboard and I hummed Glenn Frey’s “Smuggler’s Blues” in my head (another dated joke???).

Bottom line, buy it if you can find it and if you can find it, buy them all.

(Nutrition Facts – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 30 mg of sodium per 200 ml serving (bottle is 500 ml), less than 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams if sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein)

Item: Pepsi Kick
Price: $1.00 (don’t ask me how much is that in pesos…I can barely add)
Size: 500 ml
Purchased at: At a no name Mexican convenience store in Cozumel
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The taste of a fruit punched cola that is balanced in sweetness. No calories or sugar which is rare for an energy drink. Menudo’s “Like A Cannonball” video. Hoping Jacksonville loses their team. Celebrity Cruise line. Indulgence.
Cons: May be difficult to find. Dated jokes. Two girls one cup video. Menudo the soup (ack!). My love/hate relationship with the Buffalo Bills. Cruise ship sushi. Ignorance.

REVIEW: Mixchief by Jell-O Make Your Own…Add Soda

Jeff 14 Comments

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda

Jell-O has been a ubiquitous part of my life. As a child, I was mesmerized. I have memories of perfect translucent cubes of red or green topped with whipped cream in a tulip sundae glass at a greasy diner. The way the light came through the gelatin mystified me. On Jell-O salads, I thought it was magic the way grapes and bananas were suspended in the dessert.

Then as the years continued on, the magic of the wobbly treat gave way to how much alcohol I could fortify it with. Imbibing on Jell-O shots with whip cream as an underage college student was a rite of passage as much as a part of an end to my childhood innocence. Nothing says sexy like a college freshman with red stained lips from downing too many Jell-O shots pumped with grain alcohol.

Recently, I was in an accident where I proved an SUV will always win against a pedestrian in a Ben Sherman jacket (I still miss that jacket…). Guess it doesn’t matter how cool and mod the jacket is, it won’t protect your bones any more than an ordinary one. The first comforting meal after several surgeries I found was a Jell-O cup. They called them gelatin gems in the hospital but it’s the same thing. The nurses liked me enough to ensure I would get an extra cup that my I’m sure my insurance company paid a premium for. I would not be surprised to learn that for every gelatin gem I ate, an underwriter lost their job.

Like I said, Jell-O has always been a part of my life to some degree. Walking down the baking goods aisle, scoffing at the tubs of cornstarch and flour (which is knowingly weird but I think I have Tourette’s where I scoff at things randomly), I was looking for nothing in particular. Then there it was, my eyes fixated on the boxes of Jell-O. How refreshing to make Jell-O from scratch than to buy it in those already convenient six pack cups. I’m doing it I declared to no one.

Scouring the boxes, one stuck out and it wasn’t just the annoying name. Mixchief by Jell-O. Sounds sophisticated since there is a byline in the product. The weird mascot on the box looks like Spongebob SquarePants dressed up as “The Gimp” from Pulp Fiction.

Then there is the pun. Puns just suck but what grabbed me about this product was “Add Soda.” Scarfing down a dessert that will quench my thirst simultaneously? How could I pass? It’s unflavored so whatever soda I use will paint the canvas per se.

I decided to use a common soft drink we should all be able to buy, Coke Zero. I was going to use Seagram’s Cranberry Ginger Ale since it is the holidays but I didn’t want to hear “Well, we don’t get that in Timbukthree or Tristram” or wherever the hell you all come from. Coke Zero sounds like a reasonable choice. Breaking out my pots with the grace of an alchemist, I ripped open the box like an ordinary person.

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda Mixed

The instructions on the back are insipidly simple. If you cannot follow them, give up on life and drink a cup of bleach or beat yourself into a coma with a frying pan because you are pretty much useless. Sorry to sound so harsh but the directions fit on a small box if that tells you anything.

I followed the “extra special” variation where I used boiled soda instead of boiled water. The bubbling cola on the stove emanated a sickly pungent raisin-like smell. It grossed me out and I wanted to stop but I forced myself to proceed. The thought of Jell-O tasting like Coke was a tiny bit offsetting but so does chicken livers soaked in whole milk overnight and that shit is good.

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda Soda

Sometimes texture is just as important as the taste. Being Chinese, texture is a big component in the cuisine. How else to explain our obsession for soups laden with beef tendon or sucking on dried sour plums until they become slightly chewy? I like Coke Zero but in gelatin form would it taste as good? Would the texture compliment the soda? Would it be like a sixty-nine in my mouth? The answer is HELL NO! HELL NO TO ALL THREE!

The Impulsive Buy meet The Repulsive Buy. Somehow the gelatin mix was able to sap all the flavor out of the cola. It was flavorless and the tiny carbonated swallows made it even more repugnant. It was a truly an alien experience and eating it made me feel like the subject of a bukkake video.

Jello Mixchief Make Your Own...Add Soda Made

I understand the Jell-O may taste as good as the soft drink you choose but I think the texture negates that fact. Maybe I should have not used a diet cola and something sweeter. Maybe an orange soda or a cranberry soda would come off better. Either way, you’re welcome to try because I won’t. This was so unappealing that even a dollop (or five) of whipped cream only intensified the blandness.

The only thing I can think of this Jell-O being used for is perhaps a novelty cocktail Jell-O shot like a Captain Morgan’s and Coke or a Gin and Tonic garnished with a candied lime, maybe even a beer. This will require a lot of trial and error (along with tomato juice to satiate any hangover pains) but I don’t believe will be worth it. I also think fans of “molecular” cookery might find it a fun and easy way to play with texture. However if that’s the case, you’re probably advanced enough to use gelatins sheets anyhow.

Sadly, this was a big fail, or more specifically the Coke Zero was a fail. I still believe the timid carbonated effect with each gulp is a bit disgusting regardless of the choice of soda. I’m all for new ideas, especially when it comes something as kitschy as Jell-O. Sometimes you win and sometimes you just suck. Jell-O, this sucked, but we’ll always have lime or beef tendon.

(Nutrition facts – 1/2 cup (prepared with cola and water) – 40 calories, 0 grams of fat, 10 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Mixchief by Jell-O Make Your Own…Add Soda
Price: $1.29
Size: 0.25 ounces
Purchased: A Publix supermarket that is weirdly dim and where an angry old lady surveys the deli.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: This did not give me the farts. Imagining a war between the writers of The Impulsive Buy and its parallel earth counterpart The Repulsive Buy which inadvertently cause another Crisis of The Infinite Earths!!!
Cons: Bylines for products. Bukakke vids. The faint carbonation in the Jell-O is repulsive. My Mom making me eat things by trickery, claiming they were “Chinese hamburgers” or “Chinese hot dogs.”

REVIEW: McDonald’s Sweet Autumn Shake

Jeff 16 Comments

McDonald's Sweet Autumn Shake

As I’ve stated before, there are certain flavors that remind us of the seasons. You can’t deny eating red potatoes roasted with sea salt and rosemary doesn’t remind you of the winter. It’s rustic and familiar. Think about the taste of fresh lemonade. Its tart body, quenching and refreshing, brings about memories of hot summer days basked in the scent of fresh cut grass.

Food and memories have a symbiotic relationship. Most of us hold fond recollections of these moments. I am, however, left with one question. Why does McDonald’s hate the fall so much? Why?

If the clown had his way, memories of the autumn would include the flavor of overly sweet and creamy burnt vanilla. I think Ronald was abused as a child. How else to explain his coiffure that just asks for attention? You see, he has returned the favor by antagonizing us with their new Sweet Autumn Milk Shake.

The new M83 album is so good and I would rather talk about that but my job is to tell you my thoughts on this miserable experience. Also, does anyone miss the way McDonald’s shakes were served in their regular cups? I do. I am not a fan of their “McCafe” branding. The dollop of spray-can whip cream with a maraschino cherry plopped on top. I understand it’s supposed to emulate the countertop diner milkshake but there was something charming about slurping a strawberry milkshake in the ordinary cup.

So this limited edition flavor was found at one of the kindest McDonald’s I have come across. My wife has celiac (allergic to glutens) and cannot have the biscuit or hotcakes, and they always offer her an extra sausage patty or hash brown. If she was nice, she would let me eat her biscuit but instead she is a jerk. I was surprised to find the shake in my city but this one being next to a renowned media entertainment college, it makes sense.

The college demographic is more likely to try new things and I believe this particular establishment is frequented by many afflicted with the munchies. It’s a very smart location to test out some new stuff. (Note to those that go here and are reading this, stop consenting to searches by the cops, you do no favors to your criminal defense case in allowing it.)

Anthony Gonzalez really found a good balance of ambient and 80’s homage on M83’s new release…alright, alright…back to the milkshake. This will be the last “nice” thing I can say in this article: This McDonald’s is very sweet to their customers. However, this pales in comparison to how sweet this crappy shake is.

McDonald's Sweet Autumn Shake Top Shot

The color of the shake is orange, a bit like their Arctic Orange Milkshake. I thought it would be more of a reddish orange to mirror the autumn leaves but it was a scary bright orange. I saw this as an omen but I promised to consume things for you guys no matter how wary I am.

I understand that it’s called the Sweet Autumn Milkshake but I had no clue this was actually a warning. It was so sugary, my teeth hurt. The shakes come in small, medium or large but you would be advised to drink just the small one unless you want to slip into a type 2 diabetic coma. If you’re like me, you may not drink any more than five slurps.

I assumed the vague “autumn” flavor would be pumpkin pie-ish and I was right but you need to work at it. Picture a pumpkin pie that was baked too high and too long, then topped with cheap vanilla ice cream and maimed further with sugar cubes smashed into its flesh. God, this shake made me want to go to the nearest dog park and toss the concoction at a teacup yorkie, kick the owner in the ghoulies and then defecate at a nearby tree in shame. This was awful.

McDonald's Sweet Autumn Shake Whipped Cream

The taste of vanilla was immediate and as subtle as a chainsaw, a very sweet heavy fake tasting vanilla invaded my tongue. Where was the fresh autumn taste I was promised by the website? I even mixed the shake myself to raise the intensity. I did not taste anything but vanilla and the whipped cream was getting in the way.

Then like a cheap shot or perhaps a “Dear John” e-mail one gets after coming home after work. It was an unwelcome surprise and then the constant nature of suckness which the rapidly expanding universe couldn’t even contain revealed itself. There it was, a faint pumpkin pie flavor that gave way to an intrusive burnt gingerbread aftertaste. The charred smokiness ran everywhere and it was one epic fail of trying to capture the flavor of crust. Another sip only intensified this acrid taste. A third made me want to pull out my teeth Oldboy style.

I am tired of the pumpkin pie flavor and it seems like we are inundated with many variations of a product that scream with it. However McDonald’s really did distinguish themselves by adding that unique burnt flavor that I think no one has been craving. Congratulations Ronald, we feel your pain.

Picture a dinner with your girlfriend’s parents, and just as you’re about to suggest a Chardonnay…your uninvited friend who’s always hammered is at the bar and notices you. He invites himself to the table, stumbling, hi-fiving everyone, telling an embarrassing anecdote or two then drunkenly pulls out his long john silver and pees everywhere including on your face. Yeah, that’s what happened to my taste buds. It went from boredom to disgust.

McDonald's Sweet Autumn Shake Melted

I applaud McDonald’s trying to give us more than the flavor of custardy pumpkin pie by injecting a touch of baked crust but this was a disaster. You would do much better buying a vanilla milk shake and then adding some pumpkin pie spice. It doesn’t sound appealing but it has to better than this thankfully “limited edition in limited areas” offer.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounce shake – 540 calories, 17 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 50 mg of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 87 grams of carbohydrates, 73 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 11 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Sweet Autumn Shake
Price: $1.79
Size: Small/12 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s (home of that creep Grimace)
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It’s available only for a limited time. It is sweet as the shake’s name advises. M83’s song “Reunion” is so dreamy, shoegazing is still alive! The whip cream on top is yummy. That it is available in limited areas. Oldboy is an awesome film.
Cons: It’s available at all. It is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sweet and then burnt. Golden showers and consenting to a search, in that order. Getting dumped by e-mail. Did I mention that the shake is really sweet? And then a burnt flavor?