Jeff, Author at The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

June 24, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 6 Comments

Are we hitting the trough of the Latino flavors wave?

Not quite, but I think we’ve passed the crest because here we have Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime.

I’m fond of Wheat Thins, they’re more subtle than Triscuit and have more personality than saltine crackers. I’m also a fan of some of the flavored Wheat Thins and I love lime.

I love lime so much that when I was a child, I would gobble all the lime “gelatin gems” in those cheap variety cups before anyone could get them.

I even (drunkenly) threw a bag of Skittles out of my car when I realized they replaced lime with disgusting “green apple.” If I had to buy tortilla chips for some wet-ass salsa (all salsa sucks, by the way), I would opt for the Tostitos Hint of Lime.

So what’s not to love about these new Wheat Thins? The nutty flavor of Wheat Thins and the zesty slap of lime. Well, you know when you finally get together with a friend you recently rekindled via Facebook and you realize “What the hell? You’re nothing like your posts?!” Yeah, that’s kind of like these Wheat Thins.

I expected them taste like Wheat Thins with that powdery lime-zest those Tostitos have and they do, but it’s all wrong. First, the lime flavor is too faint because that nutty, almost roasted taste takes over the entire cracker.

Second, I tasted more of the lime zest by licking my finger and I hate people that lick their fingers. You can even see the green specks on the cracker that mislead you.

You taste the lime zest immediately, but it’s so quick that you would think Hangover III stayed on the minds of the public longer. The flavor doesn’t last because it mellows into an almost faint creaminess of garlic and then the familiar nutty taste ramjams your tongue like a terrible National Geographic video about wild animals in heat. RAMJAM!!!

The back of the box screams, “Taste the bold lime flavor.” There’s no way to say it, but that’s a lie and I don’t mean “That dress looks good on you” lie…I mean the “Mommy and Daddy will always love you” kind of lie. What a bunch of crap.

One look at the ingredients and it’s no wonder the lime flavor is as present as my parents when I was having an emotional breakdown. The ingredients list garlic powder, sour cream, and onion powder. It’s as if Nabisco wanted to really do something crazy like moon someone, but then they said, “How about we moon them with our pants on? And also instead of mooning, how about we just stick our tongues out? And instead of sticking our tongues out, let’s just ignore them and whistle loudly?”

The box actually has a sticker that states “People will swipe this.” I can only guess maybe in Russia where people are relegated to eating dark breads and dour potato dumplings. Okay not true, but you get the picture. Anyhow, it leads to a website called flavorprotection.com which is a site about protecting flavor and the joke falls flat. And if I’m speaking about a website, then that should be another indication of how blah these Wheat Thins are.

The only redeemable quality about Wheat Thins Lime is that they are just mediocre and won’t offend your tongue. The resident crunch and Wheat Thins taste are still present. You can’t beat them when they are topped with slices from the cheap rectangle shaped Monterey jack supermarket cheese. Well, you can, just buy normal Wheat Thins and eat those.

I guess my point is why do I have to enjoy a cracker by having to eat it with something else? I enjoy sitting on the couch, shoving my hands in a box of crackers as I leave specks of cracker dust on the remote and just eating them plainly. And does one really have time to mess with slicing cheese when Cheaters is on? By the way that new host Clark Gable III sucks.

Simply put, the lime/citrus zing is too weak, but if you like Wheat Thins in general…well, you could do worse…like replace Joey Greco.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Yum Sugar

Item: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Publix, where they don’t let you put “Go to hell Matt” on a cake you’ve ordered.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The citrus zing hits you immediately. Lime skittles. The familiar nutty taste Wheat Thins have. The word “ramjam.” Wheat Thins are always crunchy. Joey Greco.
Cons: The citrus zing hits you immediately and then dies off just as quickly. The lime taste is faint. The box lies to you, there is no bold taste. Parents lie to you, there is no love. Clark Gable III.

REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo

June 20, 2013August 30, 2023 Jeff 11 Comments

When I first laid my eyes on Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo, I thought someone lost a bet at Nabisco.

Because, in my experience, the two most polarizing candy flavors in America seem to be strawberry and watermelon. People either like it or hate it, but I believe it’s even more prevalent with watermelon. I understand because the watermelon flavor has this overly sweet and slightly floral, if not perfumey, bouquet. I equate it to the way the too flowery Bombay Sapphire gin tastes…if that makes any sense. As you can tell, I fall on the side of disliking the flavor of watermelon candy. In any case, it’s definitely not mild in flavor and makes its presence known immediately.

To be honest, I bought these on a lark and to scratch my curiosity itch when I saw these sitting next to other Oreos. I had to do a double take when I saw these because it felt like I was in Japan with their Wonka-like snacks that Pocky only skims the surface of. I should also note that these are exclusive to Target, whose cool commercials have given exposure to countless indy bands. Thank you for making me look cool when I play my iTunes library.

The most obvious thing you will notice is the color of creamy jade colliding with an obnoxious fuschia-muppet pink. It’s supposed to remind you of a watermelon, but it looks like ghastly cheap icing on Walmart cupcakes or, at the very least, created by a pastry chef who has given up on life. It reminds me if Empire of the Sun redid the yin and yang symbol. By the way, their new album Ice on the Dune is better than their first one, trust me.

The creme is sandwiched between two vanilla Golden Oreo wafers which I love more than the original chocolate cookie. That probably puts me in the minority, which I don’t mind since I’m an actual minority. I’m guessing this watermelon flavor would not taste great with the slight bitterness of the chocolate cookie.

Upon ripping open that handy “Lift” tab, all I could smell was the rich scent of fresh vanilla baked cookies, which was pleasant. Before opening it, I was worried I would be hit by the cloying sugary wafts of fake watermelon, not unlike what cotton-candy machines spews out.

I ate the green/pink creme alone and it tasted close to the familiar watermelon flavored bubblegum. Fruity at first, then mellows out into a flowery sweetness. But here’s the surprise, the creme was not that sweet. That was a good thing because watermelon can overpower a great deal of things and the creme, dare I say, was actually a bit sophisticated.

Don’t get me wrong, you won’t be serving these to your rich, snobby aunt anytime soon but you won’t feel bad giving one to that anime-hipster you’ve been secretly pining for. The one with the vintage frames and short hair, and annoyingly holds two fingers up in every damn picture.

So I hesitated before taking a bite because the creme (not cream) was scary. However, I’m glad I did. The vanilla cookie not only muted the watermelon flavor, it actually brought out the deeper berry-like tones of the watermelon. The buttery vanilla enveloped itself around the fruit’s floral character and created a rich texture. The cookie does end with an exclamation of watermelon but that’s all right because the buttery vanilla lingers around to keep it at bay.

It’s akin to that sweet and salty thing but I wouldn’t go as far and say Nabisco created an umami Oreo. I am in disbelief because this Oreo succeeded when it shouldn’t. The cookie is actually refreshing and you feel deceptively light eating a few. However, you shouldn’t eat many because just two cookies have 150 calories and seven grams of fat.

Oh, and on that note, you’re going to want to eat a few at a time because the one negative I found is that the heavy sweetness stacks up in your mouth and basically neutralizes that subtle complexity after a while. My mouth has this syrupy coating on my tongue as I write this.

I won’t lie to you and say the Oreo has changed my mind on watermelon candies or that I would buy these again. However, this Oreo is like a Terrence Malick film. You have to experience that brilliance at least once but you can do without the repeat viewings.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 15.23 oz. package
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: The cookie has an actually complex fruity flavor. The buttery richness of the vanilla cookie. The sweetness is well controlled. Empire of the Sun (the movie and the band). It actually refreshes the palette in a weird way. Nabisco having fun with these varieties. Tanqueray No. 10, it makes love to that dry vermouth.
Cons: The sugary taste gets heavy if you eat too many. Only available at Target (for the 12 of you that don’t live near one). Baked goods from Walmart. I’ll never get Blueberry Oreos. Bombay Sapphire, it will kill your martini.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder

May 29, 2013September 4, 2023 Jeff 21 Comments

Anyone think today’s habanero is yesterday’s jalapeño?

Let me explain. Remember back when people started to accept spicy food as the norm instead of food you dared other men to eat to prove who had the bigger wang?

That’s when manufacturers started to use jalapeño on everything as a spicy alternative instead of just “bbq hot.” Compulsive in our nature, we just kept wanting more and more. As hot and spicy began to register on palettes, we wanted something higher on the arbitrary Scoville scale. “Give us more heat,” we cried.

I guess it’s comforting the habanero pepper is becoming ubiquitous. It demonstrates how as a society we’ve become accepting of heat. However, the savvy are looking for the next thrill (I see you becoming yesterday’s news soon, ghost peppers). And you know… part of me is sad because the mystique, if there was one, is eroding. I can’t think of a better example than Sriracha. Now, even talentless hacks at restaurants use it, and incorrectly a great deal of the time.

When you ask someone what a jalapeño taste likes, you’re more likely to get a response describing those cheap pickled jalapeños since most fast food/bad Tex-Mex places will use them. I don’t really want that for the habanero I love.

Yet, if others follow McDonald’s suit, I have nothing to worry about. In the spirit (or curse) of competition, all the fast food chains are going through something of a renaissance. McDonald’s is not immune to change and facing another shaky quarter, it’s probably in their best interest to do something to turn around the profits.

In response, McDonald’s recently introduced the new Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder. Oh yes, the habanero’s presence is felt, unlike the actress who plays Melisandre from Game of Thrones. Harsh as it is, I’ve seen discarded toenails that express emotion better than her.

Anyhow, the habanero is the star (and rightfully so) in this sandwich. I’m partial to Quarter Pounders over Big Macs because I do love that “meaty” taste and heft of a Quarter Pounder. Plus, I find that some places put too much Big Mac special sauce and my face ends up looking like someone forgot to tell me they were going to “release.”

This variant is made with white cheddar, thick (and it is thick) Applewood-smoked bacon, tomato, lettuce, and a habanero ranch sauce encased in a “bakery-style” bun. I wish it came with the American cheese because the white cheddar was kind of tasteless. What was not tasteless was the orange-colored habanero-ranch sauce.

On the first bite, that beefy taste and crispy slabs of bacon complimented the cold crunchy lettuce and surprisingly thick slice of tomato. The bacon deserves a special mention; it truly was thick and tasted of a bacon slice fresh out of a hot pan, incredible! Again, the cheese was like a wallflower at a party or the stupid black olive on top of a deviled egg, pointless and forgettable. The smokiness of that beef melded well with the salty bacon and of course, there was that tang from the habanero ranch sauce that held the sandwich together.

However, the payoff wasn’t how good the burger first tasted, it’s what came after.

I love habanero. It’s like the quiet friend we all have that has a really dry sense of humor and when they eventually say something, it’s a gem. The habanero’s heat has that pulsating ache that lingers on your tongue. I couldn’t believe it; McDonald’s captured the essence of a habanero.

The habanero ranch sauce itself at first tasted of a roasted pepper that was slightly sweet and playfully bitter. Then there was a hint of that milky ranch until the prevalent heat crashed in Kool-Aid man-style and instead of shouting “Oh Yeahhhh!”, it screamed something unintelligible and then smashed itself into pieces as the kids lapped up the pools of artificial sweetener.

Impressive of all, the heat didn’t invade and takeover the taste with each bite even though the spiciness grew exponentially in my mouth. This was a well thought-out burger, except for the cheese. It was so good, it had me wanting another.

I guess the only other critique is the bun, I love that non-fancy iconic McDonald’s bun and this “bakery-style” bun felt wrong. It tasted fine, but I hated it for some reason. Although, it’s a minor quibble.

Now please don’t believe that you will be wiping beads of sweat from your forehead or that your tongue will be crying for a milkshake to relieve the pain as you sniff the snot from your running nose. This is McDonald’s after all and not some Szechuan house that Adam Richman would visit to eat the hottest and largest dreck it offers. However, the level of heat coming from this fast food burger is impressive and it is totally discernible that you are eating a habanero and not some diluted “peppery” blend.

I’m enjoying the many menu-shifts and risks these chains are taking. I know it won’t last forever so we should enjoy it for as long as we can or at least until our arteries can hold out.

(Nutrition Facts – 610 calories, 31 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1180 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 37 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The habanero’s heat is just spectacular. The smokiness of the beef, the crisp and fatty saltiness of the bacon and the roasted flavor of the habanero ranch sauce. The renaissance of fast food menu items circa 2012-2013. The roasted taste of the habanero combined with the milky ranch. Quarter Pounders rule.
Cons: The white cheddar cheese did absolutely nothing for the burger. That stupid actress that plays the fire priestess in Game of Thrones. Bakery-fresh-style-bun-stinks. The whoring out of Sriracha sauce. Discarded toenails…yuck.

REVIEW: Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita

May 28, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 35 Comments

Now I know what urine tastes like from that magical flying ugly dog/dragon-thing in The Neverending Story. Of all my fantasies involving Falkor the Luck Dragon, guzzling its piss was not one of them.

Look, I understand some of you out there need something sweet to choke down alcohol (I’m staring at you underage high schoolers, college kids, and my friend Addam). However, like those awful Transformers movies, too much is really too damned much!

I’m embarrassed to say, for a martini sipping/microbrew slugging/aperitif in a small glass snob, I do like my cans of Bud Light Chelada. Maybe it’s the sweet clam and tomato juice or the salty brine that pats my tongue assuring me my secret is safe with Chelada, but me loves that beer. My wife, before celiac dropped in and ruined the party, liked Bud Light Lime.

So how bad can Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita be? You mean in addition to the stupid name?

Really bad.

I’m talking American Pie sequels direct-to-video bad. I’m telling you it’s worse than Billy Idol’s misguided technorock “Cyberpunk” album and WWE’s botched “Invasion” angle when they went to “war” with WCW and ECW. This Straw-Ber-Rita is Dis-gus-ting.

I was first annoyed at how small the cans were. They are only eight fluid ounces, but after a taste I wish they were even smaller. Occasionally when something smells bad, it probably tastes bad. As we get older, our taste buds become more complex and we want complicated flavors, so we sometimes ignore the smell and go to town.

Yet, when something is bad, it strikes like a hammer to the forehead. I should have known by the repulsive, sickly sweet smell emanating from the dark hole on top of the can. It could only be compared to somebody melting an entire bag of Starbursts or Strawberry Shortcake and Blueberry Muffin having sex, then farting after a good lay.

I noticed it was not very carbonated, which threw me off, but my mind melted at how sweet it was. It tasted like fruit punch spiked with grain alcohol minus the strength of grain alcohol. It took me back to the days of a college freshman trying to get smashed on ripple and dumping as much Gatorade or Hi-C to drown out the weird bitterness.

I could not taste the lime or the mock tequila. The only thing staring at me was the wall of sugar and cloying syrup that remotely tasted of candy-berries (You know that fake flavor of candy strawberries we all hate? I do anyhow). I imagine this is what cartoon characters drink when they are done filming another show. They probably kick back, do some purple colored poopies, and grab a cold Straw-Ber-Rita from their strange orange egg-shaped fridge with zany sound effects.

Additionally, the color is also off-putting. It was a reddish pink that looked like clay or sand from a cheap science fiction film that’s set on Mars. I understand Chelada from the can looks similar, but hell, that tastes good and it’s freaking “clamlicious!”

Anheuser-Busch lets you know that it is 8 percent alcohol, but I think there is more in my Burberry cologne because I could not taste it. The can also stated, “Margarita with a twist,” but that’s an understatement. It’s really a margarita that will make you question the faith of mankind and have you ask yourself, “Can I punch a dog in the face and get away with it?” No. Can this dreck call itself a margarita and get away with it? Double No. The box also suggests I try it on ice. I suggest nobody try it, on ice, without ice, as a body shot, or in the can itself.

As you know, you’re reminded to enjoy alcohol responsibly. The only responsible thing I can think of in regards to Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita is to walk away…walk away very fast from this concoction.

(Nutritional Facts – 8 ounces- 199 calories, 0 grams of fat, 24 grams of carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita
Purchased Price: $11.99
Size: 12-pack/8 fl oz. cans
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: That the cans are only eight ounces, so if you are forced at gunpoint to drink this, it’s kind of a win. Surprisingly low amount of carbohydrates for a malt beverage. The Neverending Story theme song, get out of my head! No wait, come back!
Cons: It is deadly sweet. It does not taste like a margarita. That this actually exists. Direct to video sequels. Did I mention how sweet this is?

REVIEW: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich

March 25, 2013September 4, 2023 Jeff 9 Comments

You know what three things scare me regarding food?

Cilantro, balut, and Burger King drive-thrus. In that exact order.

And yes, I would rather eat a soapy-tasting weed or a bird embryo than deal with a Burger King drive-thru. Because it took two attempts and two different Burger King drive-thrus to get a proper Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich in my hands.

Now before I begin my foul-mouthed rant about my Burger King visits, I want to add that both were done on the weekend and before 8:30 am when the only person up is my neighbor with OCD who brushes the lawn so it is “straight.” Lastly, it was a rare cold morning in central Florida where the temperature was in the low 40s. So, basically, nobody was on the road except me, my wife, and my neighbor who ensures each leaf is pointed correctly on her tree.

My first attempt to get this sandwich was abysmal. You can get the Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich on either a comfy biscuit or stodgy, yet classy, English muffin. You Francophiles are also in luck; the menu indicates it comes as a Croissan’wich too. I didn’t want the bread to overwhelm the mild Gouda so I decided on the English muffin.

I’m also leery of fast food biscuits because biscuits are a Southern institution as my wife would attest. To me, fast food biscuits (for the most part) are clunky, flavorless and unpleasantly dense. Alas, as luck would have it, “We don’t have no English muffins” buzzed through the speaker.

(sigh)

Window jockey, can you at least feign a sorry?

Annoyed, hungry, and not thinking clearly, I settled on the biscuit and waited six fucking minutes for it. Yes. Six…fucking…minutes in the drive-thru for basically a damn bacon and cheese sandwich. Needless to say, the cheese was not melted and appeared it was thrown on the sandwich like it was a discarded Band-Aid.

I felt like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. At least my wife got a good chuckle until I horse-stomped the sandwich in the bag on the passenger side carpet.

Sure, my behavior could be the result of the three hours of sleep I had after a marathon-gaming session, but I don’t think so because I’m still angry and want to choke slam the idiot that made my sandwich. Then I want to take that person’s teeth and put it in the sandwich so I can make them eat it too.

Boy, I need anger management.

My second attempt at another Burger King only reiterated their crappy drive-thru service in my area. I ordered the same thing with an English muffin which they actually had. Great, right?

No, because apparently I’m an asshole for thinking a drive-thru works as simple as:

Step 1. Place your order.
Step 2. Pay.
Step 3. You get your order.

I got up to the window and the manager goes (and I’m paraphrasing), “Uh, did you want cheese and sausage?” Why the hell did I order from the stupid speaker if I have to tell you again what I ordered? So, I repeat my order with disdain and in a minute she hands me the sandwich.

They were fast…almost too fast. My wife, of course, thought the whole thing was funny, but also reminded me to check my sandwich.

Hey! What do you know? It’s a bacon sandwich sans the herb spread and with orange American cheese. Not what I ordered!

After a half-assed apology and dealing with my outrage (I’m pretty sure there was spit in my sandwich now), I received only what I can say was close to perfection, but not enough to quell my anger.

The sandwich was warm and felt great in the cold morning. It radiated in my hands in its neat little package. Unwrapping the white paper, I smelled the buttery eggs embracing me. The English muffin was toasted, yet fluffy, and it was generously slathered with the rich herb sauce.

The nooks and crannies of the muffin created flavor pockets of butter and it carried the Gouda and eggs away to breakfast heaven. The herb spread and rich buttery flavor complemented each other well. The bacon provided a pleasant fatty saltiness that heightened the sandwich and made me ask myself, “Do I still want to make that person eat their own teeth?”

The melted Gouda was mild, but flavorful. The cheese immersed itself into the egg and buttery spread. The combined components of the sandwich created one lush flavor. I would order it again, although from inside a Burger King. Here’s a tip too, the Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich has 140 less calories than the biscuit version. So decide wisely.

Admittedly, it’s hard to beat the trifecta of a good breakfast — bacon, cheese, and eggs — but Burger King slightly elevated it with this sandwich. It was so good that I don’t care if a BK employee’s DNA may have been in it. In fact, if you put balut, complete with tiny feathers and beak, into that sandwich, I would still eat it.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 22 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 195 milligrams of cholesterol, 920 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich reviews:
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The muffin sandwich was buttery, salty, crispy, warm, and lush all at the same time. Horse-stomping things. The herb spread complemented the sandwich’s butteriness. The Gouda melded well with the eggs. Falling Down.
Cons: Burger King Drive-Thrus in my area are manned by imbeciles. This is a limited offer. Unmelted cheese on breakfast sandwiches is disgusting. My wife laughing at me. Cleaning up the car after my antics.

Author: Jeff

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo

REVIEW: McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder

REVIEW: Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita

REVIEW: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich

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