Jeff, Author at The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

March 6, 2013August 30, 2023 Jeff 10 Comments

Best team-up of 2012!!!

No, I’m not talking about The Marvel Comics cinematic universe. I’m also not speaking about the Hawaii Five-O/NCIS: Los Angeles crossovers that had more hunks of meat than the Fast and the Furious series. While strength is normally greater in numbers, sometimes a duo will do nicely. In 2012, my dreams of Taco Bell and Doritos joining forces came into fruition.

Abbott and Costello. Andy Bell and Vince Clarke. Peanut butter and jelly. Vodka and texting. However, they all dwarf next to the perfect combo known as Doritos and Taco Bell. Both calorie-powered behemoths teamed up to have dirty fiscal sex and birthed out last year’s much lauded (or derided depending on your view) Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco.

“Hey Doritos Locos Tacos, you’re going to have a little brother!” the Taco Bell executive said softly as the taco was being drenched with Fire sauce. “How’s that for a surprise?”

“A brother?” said the taco sheepishly tinged with suspicion while being hoisted up in the air. “Hmm…I never had a brother before!!!” The Doritos Locos taco grinned at the thought while wiping the Fire sauce from its eyes.

“We can be best buds and plaaaaaaaaaayyayaya-aaaaarrrrgggggggggghhhh…” Doritos Locos Tacos screamed while being eaten alive. “…it will be fuuunnn-aaarrrrararararaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”

Oh yes, original nacho cheese Doritos Locos Tacos, it will be fun.

I was quietly excited by the news and thought to myself, “Could Taco Bell top last year’s arguably successful Locos Tacos?” By stuffing all that wet yumminess in a Cool Ranch Doritos taco shell, how could it go wrong? I was pretty happy as the taco was going to feature my favorite flavor, Cool Ranch. I’ve always love you long time Cool Ranch.

Sure, I’m a sucker for some of the other fringe tastes. I loved the Mountain Dew and X-13D Doritos flavors. Yet in a world of spicy-hang-ten-pizza-jacked-cheese-doubledongs, you pull for the old reliables once in a while. Whether that’s a worn out Pixies t-shirt or a tattered copy of the Art of Robotech, you’re always going to romance the familiar. And with Doritos, mine is Cool Ranch. That flavor fires my nostalgia synapses into overdrive.

This new Locos Tacos is akin to the sequel everybody wants, but will this be Die Hard 2 or It’s a Great Day to Die Hard with My Socks On (or whatever the hell it’s called). Either way, I’m going to get them. My thoughts are definitely jumped the gun before I’ve even tasted one but how can those flavors not complement each other? Don’t disappoint me dammit!!!

I plugged in the new Kavinsky album to enhance that 80’s feel as I drove my souped up vintage Hyundai. Nostalgia ran high as I hoped the Cool Ranch Doritos were getting the respect it deserved. I bought one of each, the standard version and the flamboyant Taco Supreme version that winked at me and blew me a kiss as ABBA’s “Mamma Mia” unexpectedly chimed in the background. Oh yeah, you know what I want.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

The ordinary Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos was filled with beef, lettuce and cheddar cheese encased in a Cool Ranch Doritos shell. The texture was nice with the cold crisp lettuce and the rich beef swimming in its sauce with shreds of cheese. My first bite was a big mouthful as the beef penetrated the lettuce and cheese. However, I couldn’t taste the Cool Ranch Doritos at all. It tasted like an ordinary taco and in disbelief I ate a piece of the shell. The shell was definitely a Cool Ranch Doritos but lacked that zesty punch those chips are known for. Subsequent bites made me slightly disappointed enough to quit eating it.

Yes, it’s a decent taco but that flagrant in-your-face Cool Ranch is absent. If eaten alone, you will realize the shell itself is the problem because it is so faint in flavor. I questioned if the supreme version would even be worth it.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme

We all know the Taco Supreme’s ingredients, but let me refresh your memory. This taco is filled with beef, lettuce, cheddar cheese, tomato, and the coup de grace — reduced fat sour cream. I’m not sure how to explain this and I’m not a chemist, alchemist, or whatever cosplay scientist roaming the sweaty aisles of some Comicon but…the Taco Bell sour cream is the story of legends. I don’t know what it really is made of but I’m sure it can simultaneously bring together our country’s divided political houses, make you forget your spiteful parents, and force The Smiths to reunite.

You see, I could actually taste the Cool Ranch Doritos this time. I ate the shell alone just to ensure it was the same. Yep, exact flaccid Cool Ranch Doritos taste. However, when eaten together…the taco’s beef and crisp lettuce combined with that sour cream was just so good. I’m not sure why, but I suspect the sour cream carries the Cool Ranch flavor better. Texture aside, which again cold and hot combined created an instant gratification, the taco supreme brought the Cool Ranch to the forefront. It’s still not as aggressive as I want, but it was nice.

As a fan of the Taco Bell/Doritos combo, I hope Taco Bell chooses to explore more varieties. However, I’ll take what I can and be satisfied with the Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme. Unfortunately, the ordinary version is right up there with Die Harder with The Hot Chick from Scott Pilgrim.

(Nutrition Facts – Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 350 mg of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars and 8 grams of protein. Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme – 200 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 370 mg of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars and 9 grams of protein)

Other Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos
Purchased Price: $1.39 (Regular), $1.69 (Supreme)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Regular)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Taco Supreme)
Pros: The crisp lettuce, the rich seasoned beef and that damned fine sour cream. Robotech. Cool Ranch Doritos. Sour cream brings the Cool Ranch Doritos flavor to the forefront. Kavinsky.
Cons: The Cool Ranch Doritos shell lacks that zesty punch. Die Hards 3 to 27. Typing “Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos” so many times gave me carpal tunnel. Cosplay. I can’t stress how sad I was that the shell was weak. Being eaten alive can’t be fun.

REVIEW: Planters Roasted Onion & Garlic Dry Roasted Peanuts

February 28, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 6 Comments

Peanuts are an afterthought to me.

A bowl of peanuts on your table is like a glorified piece of decoration, much like tacky wax fruit. It’s saying to us at a party, “Hey I sorta exist too!” as it sits amongst the bowls of potato chips and Chex mixes. They are similar to a forgotten acquaintance you met at a seminar where the relationship went as far as “…remember how drunk we were last night? Awesomesauce.”

I even think my gin martini narrows its eyes and dismisses the bowl of peanuts at the worn bar counter. Its pseudo-Asian cousin, wasabi peas, has taken their place at many watering holes. Peanuts just can’t catch a break.

The point is, I never crave peanuts, pay attention to peanuts, or think about peanuts. They are just “there” like some existential failed puzzle from Myst or a useless +1 cracked sash from Diablo I/II/III (no one counts Hellfire).

Sure I crave peanut brittle, peanut butter cups, and chilled peanut sauced noodles, but peanuts themselves? No. Never. Nein!

However, if Planters had their way they would want someone like me to stand up and notice more than Mr. Peanut’s cool monocle. Planters’ idea is to give all of us more than just the ubiquitous honey roasted variety by granting us a roasted onion and garlic variety. Yay! Planters Roasted Onion and Garlic Dry Roasted Peanuts have finally been conceived in this millennium.

I can’t think of two more common ingredients guaranteed to inject its flavors on whatever it can get its hands on. The flavors just sound complimentary. When you see garlic or onion, you know it’s not going to be subtle. They will come in, kick your chair from under you, hit on your sister, and urinate on the carpet before saying “eff-off” as they slam the door in your face.

…And with both bold flavors together, I was ready for a They Live-style street fight in my mouth combined with the piles of bodies riddled-with-bullets-climax from John Woo’s Hard Boiled.

But no, Jeff.

Instead, I got a complete collection of each crying scene from every Nicholas Sparks movie made. I was as sad as Stephen Rea’s character at the end of The Crying Game.

Upon ripping that tedious foil cap, I knew I was in for a mediocre ride to limbo. I could barely smell the onion and garlic, only the roasted peanuts. Hell, the local law enforcement drug dogs probably couldn’t pick up anything but boring old peanuts.

Like a slob, I grabbed a handful and shoveled them into my mouth. Initially, all I could taste was the ghost of scallions before the familiar heavy roast of peanuts plopped down and snuffed it out. There was a strange and unpleasant hint of grass or lawn clippings as well, but that tapered off immediately. It was even more unusual that subsequent mouthfuls lacked any garlic or onion taste at all. Now, the creaminess of the peanuts was still a nice capper but I realized this is probably the only onion and garlic flavored item that actually gets weaker with each bite.

I was annoyed the flavor was barely there. I think people vaporized from a mushroom cloud or a Kaiju attack would make more of an impression. It’s like the impact of shouting some “diss jokes” at a grizzly bear you’re about to fight.

These peanuts were not only disappointing but have created a paradox. If your intent is to get drunk on the onion and garlic flavors, you’re better off eating a spoonful of powdered garlic salt. However, if you like the taste of ordinary roasted peanuts and all that’s left on the shelf are these, then you can’t go wrong.

Planters peanuts are of good quality and that creamy texture the peanuts bring will satisfy most. There is also just the right amount of salt, which is nice. Yet, with the promise of onions and garlic not being honored, it’s no different than when the person you’ve been lusting after says, “I like you as a friend.”

(Nutrition Facts – about 39 pieces – 160 calories, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Item: Planters Roasted Onion & Garlic Dry Roasted Peanuts
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 16 oz. bottle
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Planters trying something new. Shouting “diss jokes” at an angry bear. Creamy texture of peanuts. Monocles. The right amount of salt. The synth opening to Boy George’s “The Crying Game.”
Cons: Planters trying something new…and failed. Eating lawn clippings. Weak flavor that becomes weaker with each handful. Getting the “I like you as a friend” bullcrap.

REVIEW: Cracker Jack’D Power Bites (Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha)

February 20, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 11 Comments

Cracker Jack.

The name itself conjures up thoughts of small town nostalgia, fireworks, Dixieland jazz, and old grainy footage of smiling baseball greats with voiceovers saying nonsense stuff like, “Get your lemonade here!” or “He put some mustard on that fastball.” Cracker Jack is so innocent and simple in design. It’s just caramel corn, peanuts, the “aw-shucks” Sailor Boy mascot and his dog Bingo. Is there anything more inviting than caramel drenched popcorn?

Yes, thick slabs of bacon and foamy root beer are more inviting, but you know what I’m getting at.

However, it looks like Cracker Jack traded all of its innocence and simplicity for its post-modern apocalyptic Cracker Jack’D Power Bites line, switching out caramel corn for large pellets that I can only describe as cat droppings. One thing I should tell you…these Power Bites are not like the other Cracker Jack’D lines which are amped up party snack mixes. I’ve eaten those and you can do worse, like with these Power Bites.

Oh, and the Cracker Jack toy surprise?

Not to fret because the Cracker Jack’D Power Bites do have a “toy surprise” that comes in the form of caffeine (Yay chemicals!). The package touts one two-ounce bag has the caffeine equivalent of one cup of coffee. I believe it should be more specific and say, “This bag of cat poopies have the same amount of caffeine as one cup of that cheap ass coffee your tree-hugging jerk brother buys that sits in the cupboard for years because he only drinks green tea and says stupid things like ‘Namaste’.”

Namaste indeed.

These Power Bites are made with real coffee and come in two flavors: Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha. Frito Lay promises these are “snacks with impact” and it makes sense somebody thought of these considering how successful the energy drink market is.

Cracker Jack’D Power Bites Cocoa Java

The chocolate coating on these have a cheap waxy texture, but it opens its way to a pleasant flaky wafer cookie with a nice roasted coffee taste. The roast is complex and deep with a hint of saltiness. The cookie is slightly sweet to almost savory, almost… I like the bitter finish the cookie presents, but it may be a bit too bitter for most. However, if you like espressos, whiskey, and other harsher flavors of the world (like unrequited love) this will be a good surprise.

The snack did not give me a buzz, but a conscience…as in health conscience. With a package containing 290 calories and 14 grams of fat, it makes me wonder why I didn’t just get one of those disgustingly sweet fatty Starbucks mochalochachocolatabarataventiburgs?

Cracker Jack’D Power Bites Vanilla Mocha

For every Sylvester Stallone there’s a Frank Stallone. Meet the Frank Stallone of the two Power Bites. While the Cocoa Java did not yield a total success for me, these are way worse. The same cheap waxy chocolate coating, but the complex roast is muted by this overly sweet, almost chai-like flavor. The cookie also has a mealy finish and any “mocha” flavor is flushed away into taste bud hell. There’s no way to say it but these are just fucking miserable. I wanted to microwave them into a mush and napalm the Sailor Kid with it.

Overall, the Cracker Jack’D Power Bites are purely a novelty to make your friends go “What’s that?” I think you’re better off drinking an actual cup of coffee. Even if that coffee has been sitting in a cupboard for years next to your jerk brother’s lavender sea salt.

Namaste.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 package – Cocoa Java – 290 calories, 14 grams of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 180 mg of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein. Vanilla Mocha – 290 calories, 15 grams of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 120 mg of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein)

Other Cracker Jack’D reviews:
Allison Meets World
Junk Food Guy (not Power Bites)

Item: Cracker Jack’D Power Bites (Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha)
Purchased Price: $1.99 each
Size: 2 oz. bag
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cocoa Java)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Vanilla Mocha)
Pros: Cocoa Java’s complex roasted bitterness. Texture is good. Cracker Jack toy surprises, even if they are cheap paper things now. The slight salty edge Cocoa Java has. Old timey voiceovers.
Cons: Everything about Vanilla Mocha. The poop shape of these nuggets is gross. The fat, the calories, the cheap waxy chocolate coating. Lavender sea salt. Produced no caffeine buzz. People who say “Namaste.”

REVIEW: Yoplait Fruplait (Strawberry & Harvest Peach)

January 16, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 17 Comments

I remember when yogurt came in two types: fruit on the bottom you had to mix-up yourself and the premixed fat-free gloop that left you disappointed.

Fast forward to 2013 and we now have yogurts that are whipped, yogurts specifically made to assist with cleaning your bowels, yogurts for kids, drinkable yogurts, yogurts with granola crumbles, lactose-free yogurts, fat-free yogurts, frozen yogurts from trendy named outlets where you can add chocolate covered potato chips and tapioca beads, and please don’t even get me started on those disgusting Greek yogurts that taste like rancid cheese.

There used to be a fine line between breakfast and dessert when it came to yogurt. The flavors available today guarantee some head scratching. Trust me, this becomes more apparent at 5:30 a.m. when you gulp down a chocolate silk pie-flavored yogurt. To ensure the waters stay muddled, Yoplait has released its new Fruplait line of niche yogurts.

Looking at Yoplait’s yogurt empire, I can understand why there has not been a yogurt like Fruplait before. It’s so elementary, it’s a wonder no one thought of it.

“You know what we need? More fruit in the yogurt,” Yoplait Brand Developer Number 305 screams. “We need a yogurt equivalent to a Michael Bay film stuffed with an Aerosmith soundtrack!”

The rest of the table asks, “Can we have Ving Rhames in it?”

“Sure, what the heck is he not in?”

“Yayyyy!!!” screams no one.

“Booooooo…” says Michael Clarke Duncan’s estate.

Because I love strawberry and peach, I bought both varieties. Plus, I have an indecision problem. I cannot just pick one. Like most Roman emperors, I needed them all. You can’t miss these because they are sold in a “convenient” four-pack with reserved white packaging.

I say, “convenient” only if you tend to buy four at a time because if you just want to try one and purchase maybe…I don’t know…one, like hoping for world peace, you’re out of luck Sunshine. Those miscreants at Yoplait made sure you have to have at least three in the fridge no matter how you like Fruplait.

Unlike your Uncle Choy, who owes The Dragon of the Black Pool more than chicken fried rice and is now resting on the bottom of some retention pond, the fruit are in pockets, swirled in the middle and throughout the yogurt. As for the jammy goodness of the fruit, it has ample flavor and fruit.

Way more fruit.

Of course, that makes sense since the packaging tells you “2X the fruit of the leading yogurt.” With the strawberry flavor, it’s almost as if someone took a container of plain yogurt, went to an ice cream shoppe (with a soda jerk who speaks that 1920’s hoiky joiky lingo), and asked for extra strawberry topping. Creamy yogurt with an addictive sweet and syrupy fruit mix? Now if it sounds like I’m describing a dessert rather than breakfast, it’s because I am.

These yogurts add more haze to an already foggy patch the yogurt industry purposely created. I’m fine with it but trust me when I tell you that there is no way these are for breakfast. Both Fruplait varieties are the ubiquitous 99 percent fat-free, low fat yogurt, chock full of live and active cultures which have me imagine I’m drinking my plastic Sea-Monkeys tank.

Fruplait Strawberry is, as it says on the bottom of the package, “sheer joy in a cup.” The joy I got from this yogurt was a close second to the joy I get when my pee is so clean that I won’t violate probation. This yogurt is pretty damn good but I know it’s not the yogurt; it’s the sickly sweet strawberry pie like filling. If you love fruit-on-the-bottom strawberry yogurt, you will French-kiss and play Thompson Twins all night with this one.

First, there are big chunks of strawberry flesh that’s encased in that bright red jam. Second, you can mix it all you want, but it seems you will have a higher fruit to yogurt ratio. That’s good because while the yogurt is creamy, it has a slight chalky aftertaste that most fat-free yogurts have. The yogurt mutes the sweetness of the sundae-like strawberries, which is a good thing. However, the aftertaste ruins it just a bit.

Fruplait Harvest Peach must be peaches foraged from Candyland farms where trees grow whipped cream and bon-bons ripen in the orchards. The peaches, like the strawberries, were kick-started and chunky. They taste a little bit like the canned peaches you pretend are healthy but know the syrup says otherwise. But I like that, so if you’re not a fan of the tinned fruits, you should avoid. Harvest Peach is not as sweet as the Strawberry one and it seems the weird chalky aftertaste is tempered. The yogurt itself is as smooth and creamy as what’s in the Fruplait Strawberry.

Low-fat, live and active cultures, and vitamins aside, we’re not eating Fruplait for that nonsense. We’re eating these because we are too lazy to make an actual sundae or parfait. That’s fine with me because every time I stick a spoon in one, I’m giving the middle finger to anybody who said, “You can’t have dessert for breakfast.”

Yes, I can, jerks. Yes, I can.

(Nutrition Facts – Strawberry – 110 calories, 1 gram of total fat, less than 5mg of cholesterol, 50 mg of sodium, 160 mg of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein. Harvest Peach – 120 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 mg of cholesterol, 55 mg of sodium, 170 mg of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Yoplait Fruplait (Strawberry & Harvest Peach)
Purchased Price: $2.50 each
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Harvest Peach)
Pros: The amount of fruit. The strawberry is jammy goodness. Michael Clarke Duncan in Armageddon. The yogurts are smooth and creamy. 99% fat-free homies. Creepy dead Roman emperors.
Cons: The peach is far from harvested. The slight chalkiness of the yogurt itself. Michael Clarke Duncan in Daredevil. You are forced to buy four of them at one time. Comic book movies that get it so wrong.

REVIEW: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)

December 28, 2012October 19, 2021 Jeff 13 Comments

Call me old fashioned but if I need energy, I’ll drink a cup of hot coffee, snort some cocaine, or maybe do some meth like my grandpappy did in those sepia toned garage years.

The point is I’m not a fan of energy drinks because they’re either loaded with way too much sugar or taste like I’m guzzling Keebler elves piss. I also don’t like Red Bull because I once threw up from imbibing too many Red Bull & Vodkas back when they were chic and before frat boys made it their go-to cocktail. The strange “tang-taste” Red Bull has still makes me dry heave.

When I’m too lazy to make an espresso, I’ll head over to a convenience store and pick up one of those Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso drinks which come in tiny cans that make me feel sophisticated as I hold my tattered copy of Sylvia Plath that I never read. I don’t mind heading over to a convenience store because there’s something soothing about the glass doors and dim lighting of the refrigerated beverage shelves. While being comforted by the beverage shelves during a recent visit to 7-Eleven, I noticed new Red Bull flavors.

Red Bull Red (cranberry), Red Bull Silver (lime), and Red Bull Blue (blueberry) all come in the famous Red Bull skinny can, but with new graphics. I was intrigued. The other energy drink companies are introducing new flavors, why not Red Bull? I later found out they’re being sold exclusively at 7-Eleven until their national rollout March 2013.

The cashier gave me a sullen look as she rang up the buffalo chicken roller and Red Bulls. “It’s for a review!” I protested, but she just rolled her eyes and gave me my change. I don’t need to justify my purchases to her but I think I would give me the same look too. Oh well…

I was a bit cautious when I got home to try my new drinks because I knew if that familiar tangy flavor was prevalent, I was done and couldn’t review it. I pulled the tab. Is there no sound satisfying as the “pfffftttssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” when you open a can? Not even the crackle of frying bacon or the screaming of a lobster when you dunk it into a hot bubbling pot can compare.

Red Bull Red Edition

Red Bull Red tasted of cranberry juice with hints of an almost citrus nature. The infamous gag-reflex aftertaste Red Bull has was still present but pleasantly faint. The cranberry flavor was very forward. It had a great sweet and tart balance, like most good cranberry juices. I certainly enjoyed this one.

It won’t replace my cranberry juice in the morning or when I make a Cape Cod as I wear white cotton pants (similar to what Michael McDonald wears in music videos) sauntering on the hot sand. This was a surprise and very approachable for an energy drink that doesn’t taste like one. Plus, the name sounds like a twist on The Shining’s “REDRUM!!! REDRUM!!!”

Red Bull Silver Edition

This is the Red Bull that will probably garner the least amount of regular consumers. It tasted similar to Coca-Cola’s Italian offering, Beverly. I’m a big fan of the drink and before anyone scoffs, I’ll remind you that I also drink a healthy amount of Campari. Bitterness is a flavor, and an emotion, I savor intensely.

Red Bull Silver Edition immediately tasted like tonic water but then takes a sharp left into bitterness. I also enjoyed the faint lime flavor but wished there was a more pronounced citrus punch. You’d get more of a citrusy zing if you drank a citrus Alka-Seltzer or ate a dirty lemon wedge from the waiter’s stand.

I love bitter drinks but like the action movie Mortal Kombat, the public still isn’t jaded enough to appreciate it. It’s the boldest one of the three and I have to applaud Red Bull for it. I will hoard as many as possible before the execs realize they created a drink only 0.0003 percent of consumers will enjoy.

Red Bull Blue Edition

Blueberries are a strange flavor, like grape, because most blueberry and grape products don’t taste like their respective fruit. To be honest, I like the “candy” blueberry flavor better than actual blueberries, and Red Bull Blue Edition delivers it with a punch to the crotch and fisticuffs to your nagging granny as you lie there watching in pain.

The blueberry flavor is rich and not very sweet which is awesome. Also, like the other two, it’s bereft of that strong unpleasant tang. This one is, by far, my favorite of the three.

I doubt anyone eats anything while they drink Red Bull but if you do, don’t (and that includes any food that calls itself “rollers”). The flavors are strong in a good way but like your pushy neighbor, it’s going to try to takeover and ruin everyone’s time. Also, I don’t know if I got an energy boost from them, since I didn’t feel any different. In fact, the only arduous thing I wanted to do was play some Borderlands 2 and eat some saltines.

These new Red Bull Edition offerings have changed my mind about Red Bull and I do hope all three survive, and not get discontinued like Red Bull Cola. Do yourself a favor, hunt for them. They’re well worth trying. Kudos to an energy drink that does not rely on its usual bags of tricks like overly syrupy flavors that cave your head in to let you know, “Hey, I’m a damn BLUEBERRY Potsie! RAAAAHHHHGHHHHAHHH!!!”

(Nutrition Facts – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 100 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)
Purchased Price: $2.99 each
Size: 8.4 ounces each
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Red)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Silver)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Blue)
Pros: No Red Bull energy excruciating tang taste. The scene when Liu Kang meets his brother’s ghost with the song from Orbital playing…still brings me to tears. Cranberry tasted like cranberry juice. Not so sweet. Blueberry is present and plays nice. Michael McDonald.
Cons: The lime could be stronger. When the person at 7-Eleven dismisses you. These are limited right now. Energy levels are questionable. Mortal Kombat’s movie sequel. Chicken Rollers.

Author: Jeff

REVIEW: Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

REVIEW: Planters Roasted Onion & Garlic Dry Roasted Peanuts

REVIEW: Cracker Jack’D Power Bites (Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha)

REVIEW: Yoplait Fruplait (Strawberry & Harvest Peach)

REVIEW: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)

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