Author: Kayla

REVIEW: Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G

Kayla 8 Comments

I hate change.

Yes, I know change can be a good thing, but I hate when the things I grew up with morph into something so unrecognizable that I have to question whether or not I’m in an alternate universe where Taylor Swift is regarded as talented.

Gwen Stefani is on that list. She was a source of inspiration for myself and many girls of my generation who were too young to remember Joan Jett, but still wanted to rock out with their non-cock out. Now, she’s the source of me questioning, “What the fuck?” Sure, she has popped out a couple of kids and no longer does pushups on stage, but she has gotten stranger and stranger over the years. Compared to Lady Gaga, Gwen is a mild mannered soccer mom, but her odd obsession with Japan and Harajuku Girls is just too hard to not question whether this chick is playing with a full deck.

Her obsession started five years ago when she accessorized with four Japanese girls, claiming they were her “backup singers,” but I’m sure they aren’t even allowed to say a peep when Gwen is in earshot. Her second fashion line (Remember when celebrities had one fashion line and that was cutting edge), Harajuku Lovers makes anything by Sanrio seem like it’s appropriate for Hells Angels to wear when they go road tripping.

Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G is no different. Basically, the bottle isn’t a bottle at all, but rather a massive cap that looks like a cartoon version of Ms. Stefani. G is her signature scent, but there’s also Love, Lil’ Angel, Music and Baby to represent her “backup singers.”

Despite the child-like packaging, the perfume has a wonderful scent of coconut, jasmine and some sandalwood. I will admit to looking at the notes for this fragrance on Sephora’s website, but I could identify a coconutty smell right off the bat. Coconut perfumes can be a gamble, because if there’s too much fruit going on, you might smell like a stripper, but G doesn’t do that. Some fragrances fade away after a few hours of wear, but G has some stamina and I can still smell it after a long day.

When I purchased it, it came with a compact of solid perfume, so for the price it’s pretty good, but the bottle is pretty pathetic. I know you’re not supposed to bathe in perfume like your great aunt does, but having only one ounce won’t last you very long if you use it as your daily scent.

To sum it up, Ms. Stefani is making you pay for packaging. Extremely cute weird packaging that would only appeal to little girls, or twenty-something professionals who still decorate their work binders with Lisa Frank stickers. But if you look beyond the bottle and how strange Gwen has gotten over the years, then you have a wonderful perfume that would smell good on anyone — including strippers.

Item: Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G
Price: $50.00 (with solid perfume)
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Macy’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Long lasting scent. Coconut isn’t too overpowering. Rocking out with your non-cock out. Gwen Stefani circa 1996. Lisa Frank being cool when you were six. Hells Angels wearing Hello Kitty leather jackets. Strippers that smell like sweet coconut.
Cons: Packaging is way too gimmicky. Small quantity for the price. Gwen Stefani post-No Doubt. Thinking Lisa Frank is still cool past the age of six. Price isn’t budget friendly. Strippers that smell like Marlboros and cheap whiskey.

REVIEW: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino

Kayla 17 Comments

(NOTE: Part of this review is written in “Sheetz Speak.”)

I livez in Philadelphia, which iz Wawa country. I lovez my Wawa just az much az I lovez my Philliez, but recentlyz I wanted to seez what the fusz waz aboutz over the central and western Pennsylvania’z version of Wawa, which iz Sheetz. Az a huge Wawa fan, I waz skeptical of Sheetz and I feltz guilty to cheatz on my beloved.

Howeverz, despite the cheezy way of using Z’s instead of S’s like they’re trying to appeal to the kidz, Sheetz iz slightly better bcuz you can actually eatz your made-to-order food at most Sheetz locationz. Yez, you can actually take your date to a gaz station for a romantic dinner of made-to-order subz, wrapz and coffeez.

If you really want to impress, perhaps go for the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino.

I was thirsty for a 32-ounce fountain Diet Dr Pepper when I entered Sheetz, but when I saw the little decal on the DIY Cappuccino… ahem, I mean Cupo’ccino machine, my thirst for something ice cold disappeared. This hot liquid is a Keystone state powerhouse; not only does it come from Sheetz, but it’s Tastykake-flavored. I think the only thing that could possibly trump this would be a scrapple-flavored Cupo’ccino served in a plastic Phillies (or Pirates) helmet that Dairy Queen used to use for their sundaes (I ALWAYS got the damn Montreal Expos). Or maybe a cheesesteak-flavored cupo’ccino served inside of the Liberty Bell. Luckily for this non-native Pennsylvanian, scrapple or cheesesteak flavor is not available as a beverage choice in the Cupo’ccino machine at Sheetz.

The drink comes out steaming hot, but extremely watery looking. It wasn’t promising, especially how I was fantasizing how good this thing was going to be after discovering one of my favorite snack cakes morphed into a drinkable concoction found only at a glorified gas station (Yes, it’s also a restaurant, but it IS technically a gas station).

Hotter than a freakin’ supernova when it hits your tongue, the Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino isn’t as yummy as a heavily sweetened pseudo coffee beverage can be. I’ve had my fair share of hot chocolates and phony cappuccinos from Sheetz’s rival, and they’re always good. Yes, they have enough sugar to rot your teeth and gums, but they still have substance. The Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino would have been better if it wasn’t so thin. It had the potential to be creamy and good.

Maybe it was running out and I got short changed. Since it’s only $1.39, I might be willing to give it another try if I’m ever near a Sheetz. Then again, I’ll probably go for that fountain Diet Dr Pepper, or just splurge a dollar more and order one of their barista style coffees. Oh, excuse me, coffeez.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino
Price: $1.39
Size: 16 ounces (medium)
Purchased at: Sheetz
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s Tastykake flavored. Being able to sit down at a gas station and eat a meal. Baseball helmet sundaes. Possibility of using the Liberty Bell to serve liquids. DIY coffee machines.
Cons: Super watery. The god-awful way they spell items at Sheetz. Tons of sugar and fat. Always getting the Montreal Expos sundae helmet. Doesn’t taste butterscotchy enough.

REVIEW: Jell-O Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence

Kayla 24 Comments

For many of us, the month of January represents a new beginning, the start of a new year and a new you. The infamous New Year’s Resolution of losing weight is as American as all-you-can-eat buffets, deep-fried Snickers and funnel cakes. Most resolutions are broken within the first month, because there’s always someone tempting you with pizza, fried chicken, hookers, or whatever you’ve pledged to stop consuming.

To many of us, especially us ladies, chocolate is a huge weakness. Countless times we find ourselves giving into this sweet, sinful confection, and like a kid at chubby camp getting caught with a Twinkie in one hand and a can of whipped cream in the other, we feel guilty after we indulge, and scold ourselves for breaking our resolution for the tenth year in a row.

Jell-O Mousse “Temptations” wants you to feel good about yourself if you need a chocolate fix. At only 60 calories, the Dark Chocolate Decadence promises that this mousse-like treat will satisfy your primal urge for chocolate and cure even the worst possible case of PMS.

Fat chance.

I’m pretty sure Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence would make any chocolate-loving woman become an even bigger bitch (admit it ladies, we all are bitches before Aunt Flo comes to town).

It was absolutely horrible. The texture was like that of dry pudding with a bunch of air pumped into it. I’m a big fan of Jell-O and their sugar-free desserts, despite the fact they don’t use Bill Cosby in their commercials anymore, but this product certainly wasn’t decadent and the only thing I was tempted to do was to throw away my unfinished cup, which I did.

Even though it’s low in calories, it’s unbearable to eat. Just because it says it’s chocolate doesn’t mean that it’s good, and this “treat” is the crown jewel of deception. However, what can you expect from something that has less calories than one of those miniscule 100 calorie packs that wouldn’t even satisfy a tsetse fly or Mary-Kate Olsen?

If you want to be a little naughty without breaking your resolution, maybe it would be best if you have five M&M’s or just one Hershey’s Miniature. It’s not an entire bag, or a King Size bar, but these choices are much better than having a Jell-O Mousse Temptation.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 60 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium and 9 grams of carbohydrates.)

Item: Jell-O Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence
Price: $3.59
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Wally World
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Packaging is sexy. The primal urge for chocolate. Going through with your New Year’s Resolution. Only 60 calories. It’s sort of edible.
Cons: Doesn’t taste good at all. PMS. Not going through with your New Year’s Resolution. Having to give up fried chicken, pizza and hookers.

REVIEW: Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe

Kayla 11 Comments

Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe

It seems like the holiday season came and went faster than an unsuspecting family who hoped to pick up a pet rabbit at the infamous Nevada establishment known as the Moonlite BunnyRanch. After trying to find a proper place to dispose of your Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush, it’s time to go through your loot and decide what you’re going to keep, what you’re going to regift and what is heading back to store.

When I received the Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe, I was happy. However, I wasn’t as excited as I was Christmas 1993 when I received an amazing 16-bit gaming console known as the Sega Genesis. But needless to say, over the years I’ve become jaded, bitter and a crotchety woman. That is, of course, if I don’t have my coffee. Once I have at least one cup in my system I’m ready for the day.

The Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe seemed like it was the perfect countertop machine for me because I love the icy treats from Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts, but I’m cheaper than an elderly man who insists on getting senior citizen discounts at the Moonlite BunnyRanch. In fact, I’m so cheap that when I found out Dunkin’ Donuts gives senior discounts, I was tempted to buy a Wilfred Brimley mask and go to the nearest location so that I could get my coffee fix for 50 cents cheaper. But I didn’t because I’m too cheap to buy the mask.

The Cafe Frappe is pretty easy to operate; after the coffee brews, you add two cups of ice, milk and whatever else your caffeine-powered heart desires. The pitcher makes one large serving or two smaller servings, but that is if the unit works. After making my first frappe (a coffee and mint concoction with chocolate soy milk) and cleaning the pitcher, the machine would not turn on again.

Nothing that a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond couldn’t fix, right?

Wrong.

Apparently this smoothie coffee maker hybrid was the hot item this year for people who buy random kitchen appliances and use them once. So a gift turned into a hunt to find a Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe within a 50-mile radius. After finally finding one, I was able to make unique and sinful frappes like The Lady Godiva, which is tiramisu flavored coffee and a few shots of Godiva chocolate liqueur. The Cafe Frappe is a great machine to impress party guests, but it would take a lot of time to make enough for a group of people, like all of the women one can choose from at the Moonlite BunnyRanch.

Just like that Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine I had when I was just a wee little girl, I’m sure the novelty of the Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe will wear off and become the coffee lover’s version of the Margaritaville Margarita Maker, Power Juicer and every As Seen on TV appliance.

Item: Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe
Price: Received as gift but retails for $79.95
Purchased at: Bed Bath & Beyond
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Easy to set up. Easy to make. Coming up with your own recipes that Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts can’t make due to legal reasons. Wilfred Brimley Masks. Sega Genesis.
Cons: Quality of the machine isn’t the best. Doesn’t make a large quantity of frozen delicious beverages. No College Student Discount at Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts. Driving around to return gifts.

REVIEW: Joose Mamba JOOSE

Kayla 10 Comments

Back in the day when young adults in the suburbs wanted to be rebels, they would pay their local hobo to pick them up a six-pack of wine coolers or a bottle of Boone’s Farm. A decade later the drink du jour for the underage set was Smirnoff Ice. Today, young folks turn to alcoholic energy drinks to make them knock themselves on their asses, rip off their clothes, put a lampshade on their heads and run around in circles while repeatedly singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” — the Eric Cartman version.

The Mamba JOOSE’s can design makes Sparks look like a little pussy bitch, and I’m pretty sure Joose would say that right to Sparks’ face, if aluminum cans could talk. In return, Sparks would come back with, “Well, at least my name doesn’t rhyme with douche.” Joose would get super pissed off and beat the shit out of Sparks with its tribal tattooed arms, if aluminum cans had arms. This is the kind of alcoholic beverage we’re dealing with here, and I’m pretty sure after two cans of this D-Bag, or shall I say J-Bag, you’ll probably be exhibiting the same behavior.

The Mamba JOOSE is a premium malt beverage with our good energy fiends taurine, ginseng and caffeine. It tastes very fruity (don’t you dare say that to its face) and I kind of like it. I can’t really describe the flavor more in depth, because after a few sips my mind kind of voids anything, but then suddenly becomes alert and jittery. It does this better than a Red Bull and Vodka.

Clocking in at 9.9 percent alcohol, it packs a serious wallop. Let’s put it in perspective. Your run-of-the-mill Budweiser has only half of that, and the classic malt liquor, Olde English 800 (a.k.a Ol’ E) has only 5.9 percent. This combination of high alcohol content, taurine, caffeine and ginseng can’t be good for you. In fact, as of last month the FDA has given the makers of Joose and other alcoholic energy drinks 30 days to prove “clear evidence of safety” or they’ll take them off of the shelves. I’m not really crying over this, but I would like to at least try one of the other flavors.

I like a good beer, but I will admit I sometimes enjoy swillin’ some old school malt liquor, especially if I’m pregaming. I’m positive that Joose was made solely for pregaming activities, because there’s no reason to actually want to drink this other than wanting to get hammered quickly without having to tolerate the taste of beer.

If that’s what you’re looking to do, this Joose will get you loose.

(NOTE: Please drink responsibly.)

Item: Joose Mamba JOOSE
Price: $2.50
Size: 23.5 ounces
Purchased at: Steak & Hoagie Factory
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: High alcohol content for the price. Tastes really fruity. Good for pregaming. Not having to pay a hobo to get you booze. Cartman’s version of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. More than one flavor available.
Cons: Taurine, caffeine and ginseng makes you way too jittery. Boone’s Farm. Doesn’t have the street cred like Ol’ E, Colt 45 or St. Ides. Might make you loose. Might not get to try another Joose flavor before the FDA bans it.