Author: Kayla

REVIEW: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz

Kayla 10 Comments

About 14 years ago, the local movie theatre near my childhood home added something new and unusual to their regular food lineup of lukewarm hotdogs, jumbo-sized sodas and the extra-large popcorn that I’m pretty sure was enough to feed an entire farm; from the little chicks to the overweight farmer and his wife.

Dippin’ Dots was the “space-aged” item that all kids (myself included) begged their parents to get before they went into the theatre to see Disney’s highly inaccurate version of Pocahontas, or some other G-rated movie that didn’t contain all of the shit I would learn to love later on in life, including using the word “shit.”

Dippin’ Dots were hard to find, very expensive, and so cold they would freeze your tongue, thus not being able to taste the flavor after the first spoonful. It’s now 2009, and Dippin’ Dots clones can be found everywhere, from vending machines in outlet malls to freezer cases at mini-marts. After seeing the Kemps IttiBitz in the freezer section, I figured it would be good to maybe go back to my childhood and experience something I haven’t had in over a decade.

Right off the bat, Kemps IttiBitz gets one point over Dippin’ Dots in the name category. IttiBitz sounds like the nickname given to the president of your local chapter’s Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I applaud Kemps for honoring those who lack in the boobage department. I would say, “Stay strong my sisters!”, but I haven’t been in the IBTC since middle school.

The IttiBitz were very mint chocolate chip-y, but the missing ingredient were the actual chips; I guess the little brown pellets were to make up for that, but for me it really didn’t. When the bitz melted in my mouth, they revealed a very creamy, full-bodied taste of mint chocolate. Surprisingly, the ice cream has some substance to it; it’s not watered down at all.

Besides having to physically bang the entire cup to separate the frozen beads that clump together, the only other downfall with Kemps IttiBitz was the same problem I had with its predecessor fourteen years ago — frozen tongue syndrome.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 160 calories, 11 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 8% calcium.)

Item: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz
Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Size: 1 Cup
Purchased at: Hannaford Supermarkets
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cryogenically frozen ice cream = Freakin’ awesome. Creamy texture. Inexpensive alternative to Dippin’ Dots
Cons: Cryogenically frozen Walt Disney = Freakin’ creepy. Serving size is a little small. Needing Lactaid. Frozen tongue syndrome. High in fat.

REVIEW: Sonic CroisSONIC BLT

Kayla 17 Comments

“Help…me…eat…me,” the CroisSONIC BLT said as it gasped for breath when I opened its foiled wrapper. I knew something was wrong when I heard it cough like an 80-year-old diner waitress whose voice had been scarred by years of hollering out quirky names for the way an egg is cooked and inhaling second hand smoke. What could I possibly do? I looked away for a moment, pondering over if I should neglect this sandwich. No, I couldn’t possibly abandon it as it stared at me with its bacon tongue sticking out of its limp bun of a mouth, oh excuse me, croissant.

“Help…me…eat…me,” the CroisSONIC BLT continued to plead. Did it want me to end its misery after spending its entire childhood under a heat lamp? I did not want to ask it questions, because it was so pitiful to look at. It wasn’t as emotional as those commercials with Sarah McLachlan showing neglected puppies and kitties, which make me weep, but it was pretty awful.

This sandwich, if you could even call it that, put me in a very awkward position. Not as awkward as the time my grandmother asked what “Two Girls One Cup” meant, but awkward nevertheless. Should I eat it, or should I just give it to one of those puppies in that Sarah McLachlan commercial? I decided to take a bite. “Thank…you,” it said in its weak ET-like voice. I was sure that this would be a glorious day for the CroisSONIC BLT, but it would not be one for my colon.

I thought it would be harder than it was to end this sad little sandwich’s life. Actually, the entire task took less than three minutes, and that was alternating between a Diet Cherry Limeade (one of the reasons to go to Sonic) and the medium order of tater tots that came packaged along with this depressing sandwich. Thankfully, those tater tots were the Prozac I needed to help get me through the serious bouts of sadness that occurred while eating the pathetic CroisSONIC BLT.

The croissant made Burger King’s look like a freshly baked, buttery pastry that could be found in the finest of Parisian bakeries, while the strips of bacon were nice and crisp. BUT THERE WERE ONLY TWO STRIPS!!! It’s a BLT, Sonic! All caps, not a bLT. As for the lettuce and tomato, they were…well…not ripe.

The CroisSONIC BLT had so much potential, but alas, it just fell into the trap that a lot of fast food sandwiches tend to crash into (a.k.a Sandwich Skid Row). It sounds good and the original looks scrumptious, but it loses its self worth because it knows it could never live up to what’s on billboards and television commercials. It does not care what it looks like and just waits until a hungry human takes it out of its misery.

With all of these sad sandwiches, there needs to be a fast food sandwich rehab, which I think would also make a decent reality show.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 425 calories, 29.6 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 32 milligrams of cholesterol, 888 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 16% vitamin A, 7% vitamin C, 4% calcium, 8% iron.)

Item: Sonic CroisSONIC BLT
Price: $2.99 (with medium tots)
Size: 137 grams
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Good value. Crispy bacon. My colon forgiving me for eating this sandwich. Doesn’t take long to eat if you’re in a rush. It’s delivered to you by people on skates. No trans fats. Tots are good.
Cons: Limp croissant. Only two strips of bacon. Sandwiches that end up on skid row. Not enough food to cure severe bouts of hunger. Almost 30 grams of fat. Too much sodium.

REVIEW: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s

Kayla 17 Comments

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M's

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich has grown with me throughout the years. Sometimes it would pop up in my bright green lunch bag. During high school it would find its way in a brown lunch sack. I would like to think my palate has matured since then, but due to my lack of culinary expertise and being a broke-ass college student, I’m finding out that a good ol’ PB&J (cut in quarters) can qualify as a hearty meal.

I’m definitely a chunky peanut butter girl, and I prefer grape over strawberry jam, unless I’m in a bind and the only jam I have left comes from one of those tiny Smucker’s packets you get at a diner (I also take Splenda and swizzle sticks). So why would I even try the new Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s?

Look at Red M&M on the packaging. The come hither look on that horny bastard’s face tempting you with not only peanut butter, but with the sweet taste of strawberry as well. It’s like he’s saying, “Hey, don’t worry, Green M&M won’t be home. She works nights at that club off of Interstate 95. It’s just going to be me, you, this here strawberry and a smooth as silk jar of peanut butter.”

As awful as it sounds, I gave into the Red M&M and his Strawberried Peanut Butter candies. What can I say; I’m a sucker for cartoon product mascots. The M&M’s come in three autumn inspired colors and are roughly the same size as your standard Peanut Butter M&M’s. I was a little disappointed to find out that there wasn’t any strawberry jam inside each piece, instead the shell is supposed to be strawberry flavored, but I didn’t find the taste potent enough. But it could be my taste buds, because my mother thought they had a strong taste of strawberry. To me, peanut butter made strawberry their bitch and I think strawberry wanted that as long as it got top billing when it came to naming this circular confection.

After reviewing the so-called M&M’s Premiums, I realized there’s no difference in quality between the two. It just shows you how pretty packaging can make something more expensive even if it tastes or looks like crap. Kind of like the Kardashian sisters.

The Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s are a limited edition, but I don’t think I will stock up, because they’re mediocre at best. Maybe it’s because I have fond memories of the old school Peanut Butter M&M’s, or maybe it’s the grudge I’ve been holding with M&M’s after they yanked the Crispy and Mini ones off the shelves a few years ago. Those little Minis tubes were useful when it came to holding your crack, paperclips, pushpins or other small office supplies.

I would buy the Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s again if they came in that tube, but I guess I’d also have to deal with the Red M&M on the package making bedroom eyes at me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – 230 calories, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s
Price: 78 cents
Size: 1.40 ounces
Purchased at: That-Store-Which-Has-A-Creepy-Smiley-Face-Mascot
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Nice peanut butter flavor. Green M&M bringing home a decent income by working 3 days a week. Never needing to buy Splenda or swizzle sticks. Melts in your mouth quite nicely.
Cons: Strawberry flavor is only on the shell and it isn’t strong enough. Red M&M giving you bedroom eyes. The death of both Crispy and M&M’s Minis. Really high in saturated fat.

REVIEW: Little Trees Black Ice Car-Freshener

Kayla 16 Comments

Just like fuzzy dice, the beaded seat cushion (can you even call that a cushion?) and Calvin taking a wiz on the Ford/Chevy/Dodge symbol, the Little Tree Car-Freshener is an iconic symbol for the American driver, just like the middle finger.

I don’t have the fuzzy dice, because it’s not 1952; I don’t have a beaded seat cushion because I don’t drive a NYC taxi; and I don’t have a Calvin sticker, because I do have some dignity, but I recently bought a Little Tree for Baxter.

Who’s Baxter you ask? Baxter is my black Volkswagen Golf who has been my trusty pal since I was sixteen. If Baxter were a person, he would be in his late twenties, probably working in a professional setting where he has a cubicle. He’s up on current fashion, wears black-framed glasses and speaks eloquently. Women tend to come to him for advice, because they think he’s gay, but little do they know he’s trying to get to second base while they cry on his shoulder about how they were humiliated at a Weight Watchers meeting. That’s my ride.

I was curious as to why one would call something for your car “Black Ice” since it’s a winter driver’s nightmare to skid on the stuff, but I figured the marketing people at Little Trees thinks it just sounds pretty damn cool, and yeah it does. It sort of sounds like a nickname for either a rapper, WWE wrestler, porn star, or a male stripper you would hire for a bachelorette party; all of which I thought were also possible scents for this tree prior to opening the package.

You’ve probably had a Little Tree in your car, and you know that you can’t take the entire tree out of the package, because your car will be engulfed with a scent more powerful than a hundred old ladies wearing Jean Naté and you could pass out at the wheel, especially if your car is tiny as hell.

Well, after doing what the directions told me to do (Cut two slits on the top and gradually raise the tree from the package after every week), I was greeted with a very pleasing scent. After driving around, becoming immune, and then opening my window to pay a toll, my nose got another whiff. It made me smile.

The scent is a little masculine with hints of musky yet refreshing notes, but it’s pleasant and doesn’t go overboard like a lot of car fresheners do. So far, this is my favorite of The Little Trees (plus it goes well with Baxter’s black interior). I call it “Sexy Man Scent.” However, when a friend of mine came in my car she said it smelled like “Generic Man Scent.”

Hey, it’s better than “Guy who tans to a bright orange hue, wears Armani Exchange/Ed Hardy shirts three sizes too small and calls every one bro Scent.” Although, Black Ice probably would be the later if you don’t follow Little Tree’s handy directions of gradually slipping it out of the package.

If you’re a man going out on a date with a really hot girl and she gets in your ride equipped with a brand new Black Ice Little Tree out of the package, she might think you lead a life on the down low and have Guido orgies in your car on the days you have off. If you are a girl going out with your girlfriends, they will think you have Guido orgies in your car and will have to do an intervention. Unless you are from the Jersey Shore and/or Staten Island where your girlfriends would be pissed at you for not inviting them.

Item: Little Trees Black Ice Car Freshener
Price: $2.49
Size: 3 pack
Purchased at: AutoZone
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice crisp scent. Black Ice is a cool name if you want to be a male exotic dancer or porn star. Better than any product by Axe. Inexpensive way to make your car smell nice.
Cons: Follow directions or your car will smell like a Guido orgy. Old ladies wearing strong perfume. A lot of effort for an air freshener. A guy wearing a t-shirt way too tight. Tanning to look like an Oompa-Loompa.

REVIEW: Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bars

Kayla 16 Comments

It’s pretty pathetic that someone born and raised in New England has never gone skiing. It’s even more pathetic that this person spent a week at a mountain resort town in Switzerland and not once strapped on the skis and tried the bunny slope. The same person would probably not even consider skiing in the celebrity-laden, snooty, yet sporty town of Aspen, Colorado.

However, I…I mean, this person would not be added to a long list of poseurs that includes the dude in the “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” music video and Kevin Federline (wait, aren’t they the same person?) by walking around the lodge pimped out in the latest North Face gear bragging about the “black diamond” run (that’s what they call it, right?). No, instead I would be in the corner, sitting next to a fireplace like the Masterpiece Theatre guy, except I would be nursing an Irish Coffee and maybe enjoying the new Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bar. Although, this frozen confection would be melted before I even open the wrapper due to the blazing, yet romantic fire burning beside me. In fact, it was pretty much melting upon opening in the comfort of an air-conditioned room. Not a good sign.

The Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bar is enrobed with a vanilla yogurt shell that’s covers the entire bar like a nice LL Bean cable-knit sweater or a ski jacket with pockets inside of pockets. The yogurt shell is similar to the stuff on some trail mix raisins. On top, there’s a small dusting of granola.

I wanted to enjoy the first bite, but like I said, it was melting already, so the first bite was quick and ended in a slurp. The raspberry fro-yo is very tasty (avid readers know I’m a whore for raspberry flavored things) and it combines well with the vanilla yogurt shell and the layer of raspberry preserve that’s stuck in there. The crunch of the granola is pretty darn good, but I don’t think there’s enough of it to formally call this frozen yogurt novelty a granola bar. Blue Bunny boasts that these treats are loaded with probiotic cultures, which is just a chemistry way of saying that these bars can aid in bowel movements and keep you regular without the need of Metamucil or the new Volcano Menu at Taco Bell.

Usually size doesn’t matter (when it comes to frozen treats), but I was quite impressed by the size of these things (I am a small girl though). They’re roughly the size of a Milky Way, but of course they disappear quicker, because for some reason when instantly exposed to non-freezer like conditions they morph into the Wicked Witch of the West or Joan Rivers at the beach (wait, aren’t they the same person?).

Even with the fast melting, the Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen bars are pretty good, but I wouldn’t necessarily call these a healthy alternative to other frozen treats, because one bar packs 150 calories (80 of which are from fat) and 35% of your daily saturated fat content! But, really traditional granola bars are similar in nutrition, but a lot of us forget that because it’s ingrained in us they are healthy. If you are a granola bar lover (like myself) you might be disappointed in the lack of granola, but like those yogurt cups with the granola on top, you can add your own to the Aspen bar by dipping it in more. Similar to what people do with Funny Bones by injecting more peanut butter, or that creepy lion woman injecting more collagen in her lips.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Bar – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 4% riboflavin, 4% phosphorus and 2% vitamin B12.)

Item: Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bars
Price: $2.50
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Different than most frozen novelties. Coating is not white chocolate. Sweater weather. Probiotic cultures helps you stay regular. Bar size.
Cons: Never experiencing the slopes. Not enough granola. Not being able to find your keys. Because your anorak has more pockets than necessary. People who get uber amounts of plastic surgery. High in saturated fat.