Author: Mark

REVIEW: DiGiorno Thanksgiving Pizza

Mark 1 Comment

It seems to me that in recent years, more food companies have been embracing Thanksgiving dinner as a collective meal to put in other foods. Sandwich shops have been offering turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sandwiches for a while. And this year, DiGiorno has pizza-fied the classic November meal!

DiGiorno’s version omits the stuffing, however, and combines turkey with the ingredients of a green bean casserole. The pizza features roast turkey, green beans, crispy onions, dried cranberries, and gravy. The non-Thanksgiving elements are mozzarella and cheddar cheese, all topped on a Detroit-style crust. Just bake for 23 minutes, and you have a warm meal ready.

Let’s start with the star of the show: the turkey. I was worried the turkey would be gristly or rubbery. But nope, it has a pleasant chew and flavor. It’s not quite what you pull out of the oven on Thanksgiving, but it’s close.

The green beans are fine. They’re slightly crispier than canned green beans. If you don’t like green beans, you will wish they weren’t there. For me, I could take them or leave them.

I don’t really notice the onion’s crispiness, but I can taste their presence. The savory flavor I associate with green bean casserole permeates the pie.

The dried cranberries impart a bit of sweetness to the otherwise ultra-umami dish. I’m glad cranberries got represented. But if you don’t like pineapple on pizza, maybe they’ll be too much for you. At least they’re tarter than pineapple.

The gravy has a nice texture, but there’s something about the seasonings in it that tastes a little odd to me. Not bad, just weird. Maybe my palate is just too unsophisticated. The oddness might also come from the crispy onions.

I’m picky about cheese, so I’m glad they opted for the tamer options of cheddar and mozzarella. That way, it can keep the feel and definition of pizza, even though it’s Thanksgiving, without being too tangy. And the crust might be the best part: soft, slightly chewy, just a little sweet.

I love to eat leftover pizza cold, and I’m happy to report that DiGiorno Thanksgiving Pizza is at least as good cold as it is heated.

I’m really happy this pizza exists. Your family will be mad if you serve it instead of an actual Thanksgiving meal (and it would break the bank to serve a crowd), but it’s a fun product to eat on a random cozy November night or bring to a Friendsgiving. It’s only available at Kroger-affiliated stores, but I hope it will expand to other retailers in the future.

Purchased Price: $9.99
Size: 20.6 oz box
Purchased at: Smith’s Marketplace
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/4 pizza) 400 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of total sugars including 3 grams of added sugars, and 12 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Frosted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Pop-Tarts

Mark 9 Comments

Have you ever sipped on a cup of hot cocoa on a cold, snowy evening and thought, “This is nice, but I wish I could have it in the form of a toaster pastry”?

Well, if you have, Pop-Tarts has got you covered!

This limited-edition flavor, Frosted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Pop-Tarts, has a cocoa pastry and a marshmallow filling. There are also wintry designs printed on the frosting, which is fun.

There are some Pop-Tarts I prefer at room temperature, some I prefer toasted, and some where I don’t care either way. I tried this flavor both untoasted (“Make a toast,” ironically) and toasted (“Cocoa is deer to me”). This variety is much better toasted: The marshmallow filling becomes nice and gooey, like a marshmallow over a fire or marshmallows in a cup of hot cocoa. But marshmallows aren’t known for their exciting flavor.

As for the cocoa part of the pastry, it’s barely there. I get a whiff of fake chocolate when I open the package, like you get in a Tootsie Roll or a Dum-Dum pop, but I don’t really taste it in the Pop-Tart itself. According to the ingredients list, there is less than two percent of cocoa and natural and artificial flavors.

My all-time favorite Pop-Tart flavor is Sugar Cookie, and I have had a hard time finding it in recent years. I hope this new, mediocre winter flavor doesn’t supplant that superior winter flavor.

These are sugary carbs with a gooey filling, so they’re enjoyable to eat. But they’re really just boring. If you want to eat them this winter, I recommend waiting until January. There are so many better ways to spend your calories in December.

Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 8-count box
Purchased at: Smith’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 pastries) 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 340 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 32 grams of sugar including 32 grams of added sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Burger King Morticia’s Kooky Chocolate Shake

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This October, Burger King has teamed up with one of the most iconic Halloween families: The Addams Family!

This fall marks the 60th anniversary of the original series, and fans are eagerly awaiting season 2 of Wednesday. However, BK has opted to brand its seasonal lineup with the animated movies instead. (I enjoyed the 2019 film, but the 2021 sequel was literally the worst version of the franchise I’ve seen. And I’ve seen most incarnations.)

Representing the family matriarch is Morticia’s Kooky Chocolate Shake, which mixes soft-serve ice cream with chocolate cake batter fudge, topped with black and purple cookie bits. (It seems like a missed opportunity not to call this a Kooky Cookie Shake or a Kooky Cocoa Shake.)

Let’s get this out of the way first: chocolate cake and chocolate shakes seem like something that Morticia Frump Addams is unlikely to eat. For someone who enjoys cooking aardvark, yak, eye of newt, and cookies with bats and lizards, chocolate just seems too gauche. And she also seems unlikely to feed it to her carnivorous plant Cleopatra.

But for me, someone who does not keep nooses or iron maidens hanging around the house, I really enjoyed the shake. Since it is made with cake batter fudge, it is a richer, more sophisticated chocolate shake than one you would get made with chocolate syrup.

The cookie pieces are a standard chocolate sandwich cookie, but the creme filling is purple. They have a good flavor, but perhaps more importantly, they provide some textural contrast to the soft shake. But there’s not too many of them to become annoying.

At the bottom of the cup, I scooped up some of the cake batter fudge. It had a slightly gritty texture and a rich, almost buttery flavor. This tells me they actually put some effort into this limited-time offering, instead of just putting in a nondescript syrup and pretending it’s fancy.

Morticia’s Kooky Chocolate Shake is a scream. Or, rather, a scree-yum.

Purchased Price: $4.69
Size: Regular
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 740 calories, 30 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 690 milligrams of sodium, 106 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 82 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Sonic Witch’s Brew Slush Float

Mark 3 Comments

For Halloween, Sonic has introduced its Witch’s Brew Slush Float, which consists of a green apple slush, caramel “bubbles” (popping boba), and vanilla soft serve.

No mortal has ever drunk witch’s brew and lived to tell about it, which means food companies can make the flavor whatever they want it to be. I’m really pleased that Sonic opted for a classic Halloween flavor instead of something boring and irrelevant (like marshmallow).

As the cashier handed me the drink at the drive-thru window, I noticed it was a putrid shade of green. Like mold, algae, or ogre snot. That might not be appropriate if it were an elf or leprechaun drink, but for witch’s brew, it’s perfect!

In the fifteen minutes it took to drive home (I don’t eat in my car), the ice cream had lost its freshly extruded grooves, and the slush was browner. But luckily, it was still nice and cold.

I expected the slush to have a strong and fake candy apple flavor, like a Jolly Rancher in liquid form. It was more subdued than I expected, and there was more of a caramel flavor as well. I assume the caramel flavor leaked from the “bubbles,” and I approve. Of course, it doesn’t really taste like an actual caramel apple, but it was still a pleasant combination of caramel and apple flavors.

And those caramel bubbles are so fun! By pressing them between my tongue and the roof of my mouth, they popped their sweet, cold liquid, leaving the skin to dissolve. I liked to imagine they were eyes of newt. Yummy, delicious newts made of candy.

And that vanilla soft serve ensures the whole drink doesn’t become too slushy sweet. I’m glad we don’t have to pick between creamy and slushy!

So far, the only side effect I’ve experienced was the initial brain freeze. No tails have sprouted, no polka dots have appeared on my skin, no appendages have grown or shrunk. This brew will disappoint an actual witch, but for the rest of us, this might be my favorite thing I have ever had from Sonic.

Purchased Price: $7.49
Size: Medium (only available size)
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 420 calories, 6 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 280 milligrams of sodium, 93 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 88 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

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REVIEW: Reese’s Werewolf Tracks Peanut Butter Cups

Mark 7 Comments

To prepare for this review of Reese’s Werewolf Tracks, I tried to immerse myself in lycanthropy to try to figure out what on earth this new candy has to do with werewolves. I watched The Wolf Man (1941) and listened to various werewolf songs. But I still can’t figure it out.

It’s just an ordinary Reese’s, except that the top is vanilla-flavored white creme. So here are the possibilities I have come up with:

  • Some wolves are white and some wolves are brown.
  • The round, white top looks like a full moon with jagged edges.
  • If a werewolf leaves a track in the dirt, it might fill up with water, which turns white when it freezes.

Questionable Halloween connection aside, how are they?

Eaten directly, the peanut butter cup does not taste all that different from a regular Reese’s cup. Vanilla-flavored creme just doesn’t impart that much flavor.

When I nibble the top off to try to isolate the creme, it just tastes like the white confection you can find in countless other candies. Nothing about it reminds me of actual vanilla.

I also should add that this is not the first time Reese’s has made a similar candy. It did the Franken-Cup, which had green-colored creme, and the Easter-themed Mallow-Top, which had a marshmallow-flavored top. And really, what even is marshmallow flavor? Green-colored creme, marshmallow-flavored creme, and vanilla-flavored creme don’t seem all that different from each other. This is just a boring candy.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are a top-tier confection, and if this were a brand-new treat, I would give it 10/10 based on taste alone. But this is simply a variation on a classic, and it’s just not that interesting or special.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 9.35 oz bag
Purchased at: Dick’s Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 pieces) 160 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar including 14 grams of added sugar, and 3 grams of protein.