Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Go Girl Bliss Energy Drink

Marvo 18 Comments

Is there anything inappropriate about a man wearing a woman’s deodorant? Smelling “powder fresh” might not be the optimal scent for a man, but the sour smell from going au naturel is even less so.

Is there anything wrong with a man using menstrual cramp reliever Midol to help ease the pain of being kicked in the balls? After all, it’s a great medicine that specializes in lower region pain.

If a man can do those things, then there shouldn’t be anything wrong with my manly self drinking the Go Girl Bliss Energy Drink…or putting on a tight leather dress, stiletto heels, a black wig, makeup, shaving my entire body, going out to pick up rich Asian business men in Waikiki, charging them $1,000 an hour to strap them in a hanging restraint harness while I whip their half naked bodies or making them pay $750 an hour to pin them to the floor and gingerly dance on their bodies with my stilettos on.

Go Girl Bliss is the third energy drink from Go Girl’s estrogen-friendly line, which consists of the original Go Girl Energy Drink and the complexion-helping Go Girl Glo. Just like the first two, it also contains an ingredient Go Girl calls Super Citrimax, which is a mild herbal appetite suppressant.

Out of the three Go Girl flavors, I have to say Go Girl Bliss is by far my favorite. It has a pleasant peach scent and a nice balance of peach and tea flavor. The Yerba Maté tea leaves in the beverage also provide the caffeine, which, along with the added taurine, gave me a decent energy kick. The peach flavor comes from peach juice concentrate, but it tastes kind of artificial.

It’s sweetened using organic agave syrup, but it also contains Sucralose, which gives the non-carbonated Go Girl Bliss a slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. However, I highly recommend drinking it cold because if it warms up, the artificial sweetener aftertaste gets worse.

The 35-calorie Go Girl Bliss Energy Drink is tasty enough that I see myself purchasing more in the future. Now you may think a manly man like myself would be embarrassed to purchase women’s energy drinks, but I am not. Of course, that’s only because when I purchase any of the Go Girl Energy Drinks, I throw in a box of tampons, so instead of looking like a weird male who enjoys women’s energy drinks, I look like a chivalrous man picking up items for his cramping and menstruating woman.

Unfortunately, I now have several unopened boxes of tampons, which I could either giveaway or, if I feel like rioting, use them as wicks for Moltov cocktails.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of protein, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 30 milligrams of sodium, 40% riboflavin, 125% vitamin B6, 25% pantothenic acid, 50% niacin, 40% vitamin B12, 5% magnesium. It also contains 400 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of garcinia cambogia, 50 milligrams of inositol and 65 milligrams of caffeine.)

Item: Go Girl Bliss Energy Drink
Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice peach tea flavor. Uses organic agave syrup to help sweeten it. Provides a decent energy kick. Only 35 calories. No strong artificial sweetener aftertaste, unless you drink it warm. A portion of the proceeds are donated to breast cancer research.
Cons: Peach flavor tastes kind of artificial, despite using peach juice concentrate. Hard to determine if Super Citrimax is effective as a mild herbal appetite suppressant. Having to slip into a tight leather dress. Trying to find other uses for tampons.

REVIEW: Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley

Marvo 14 Comments

The drab color of the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley fruit smoothie doesn’t make me want to drink it, instead I want to use it as a color swatch to help me decide which hue of paint I should use if I ever need to repaint the inner walls of a correctional facility or mental institution.

Odwalla fruit smoothies usually come in vibrant colors that one would find on either the NBC Peacock, handkerchiefs coming out of a clown’s mouth or in any bodily fluid that oozes out of a unicorn. The colors are so vivacious that they say if you stare at the Odwalla refrigerated case at your grocery store long enough, you’ll know what rainbows taste like.

What gives the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley its tan color is the whole grain brown rice it contains, which also gives the smoothie almost 32 grams of whole grains or around two-thirds of the recommended 48 grams one should consume daily.

This fruit smoothie is perfect if you ever want to attempt to overdose on whole grains to see what the effects are. Drinking a few of these along with some whole wheat bread and a bowl of a whole grain-fortified kids breakfast cereal will help you do it. I personally have never ODed on whole grains, but I imagine it takes your dreams, wipes away all of the color and then gives them a brown hue…and maybe constant bowel movements.

Because of its color, that makes me think I’m drinking liquid whole wheat bread, I recommend consuming it with your eyes closed, or if you have one available, cover your eyes with a pink sleep mask that has “Beauty Sleep” embroidered on it. But if you can get past its color, and enjoy tropical fruits like pineapples, mangoes, bananas and passion fruits, then you will probably enjoy the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley.

Thankfully, it doesn’t smell and taste as dismal as it looks. While drinking it, I could detect banana, pineapple and orange scents. As for its flavor, the pineapple and passionfruit stand out the most and I get a little banana and mango at the back end. It definitely has a tasty “tropical” flavor to it. Coconut is also listed in the ingredients, but I couldn’t detect any. I also couldn’t make out any of the whole grain rice flavor, which, now that I think about it, probably doesn’t have any flavor. But the whole grain rice does give this fruit smoothie a very slight grittiness and a weird temporary coating in my mouth.

If you’re sorely lacking in the whole grains department, the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley will help, although it’s probably not something you want to drink every day, since it can get really expensive paying $2.50-$4 per bottle and because it might give your dreams a sepia tone.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 200 calories, 1 gram of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 350 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 4% calcium, 10% vitamin E, 10% riboflavin, 10% vitamin C, 2% iron and 10% thiamin.)

Item: Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 15.2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty tropical flavor. No whole grain rice flavor. A bottle contains about two-thirds of your daily recommended amount of whole grains. Tasting a rainbow.
Cons: Has a drab color. Dreaming in sepia. Slight grittiness. Leaves a temporary coating in my mouth. Overdosing on whole grains. Constant bowel movements. An entire bottle has almost 400 calories. Being in a prison or mental institution.

REVIEW: Nabisco Dipped Delight Bars 100 Calorie Packs (Oreo & Nutter Butter)

Marvo 15 Comments

You might be thinking these new Nabisco Oreo and Nutter Butter Dipped Delight Bars 100 Calorie Packs are awesome because, after all, they contain either Nutter Butter or Oreo cookies. But if you really love those cookies, you’ll stay away from these bars because they will taint whatever love you have for them. They will scar whatever happy moments you remember from your cookie eating past.

Take it from someone who had their memories spoiled by these bars. The first time I dunked an Oreo in a glass of milk…RUINED! The first time I scraped off all the peanut butter filling from a Nutter Butter with my two front teeth…RUINED! That time I created a Mr. Peanut action figure with a Nutter Butter, black pipe cleaners and construction paper…RUINED! That time I put Oreo fillings on my nipples and convinced a dog to lick them…RUINED!

If you’re going to slap “Oreo” or “Nutter Butter” on a product’s box, that product better taste, at least, a little like it, but neither of these bars taste like their cookie namesakes or have any cookies in them.

The Oreo Dipped Delight Bar has a chocolatey coating that covers a layer of white cream filling that’s on top of a chewy chocolatey crisped rice bar. It smells like a Hostess HoHo, but doesn’t taste like one. It has a weird chocolatey flavor that doesn’t come close to reminding me of an Oreo cookie. As for the Nutter Butter Dipped Delight Bar, it has a layer of peanut butter filling on top of a bar of chewy crisped rice that’s dipped into a peanut butter-ish coating. It doesn’t taste like a Nutter Butter or even peanut butter, but for some strange reason, it does taste like pretzels, which aren’t in the ingredients.

Not only were their flavors disappointing, but the wrapper each bar comes in makes them seem bigger than they truly are. They’re quite petite, measuring at 2.75 inches long, which I expected since they only have 100 calories. But the packaging measures 5 inches from end to end. If you take out half an inch from each end for sealing the wrapper, there’s still more than an inch of space inside it. So about one-fourth of the package’s volume is just air. It’s the equivalent of putting a small penis into a Magnum-sized condom.

If you’re a calorie watcher and log everything you eat to make sure you stay under a certain amount of calories, this product might be of some interest to you, although there are tastier products in the Nabisco 100 Calorie Pack line. But if you decide to try them, I’d recommend the Oreo one over the Nutter Butter.

These Nabisco Dipped Delight Bars don’t taste like either Oreo or Nutter Butter cookies, the packaging they come in is somewhat misleading and now my memory of trying to explain the art of teabagging to my sheltered female friend using a Nutter Butter turned on its side and dangling above my face…RUINED!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – Nutter Butter – 100 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Oreo – 100 calories, 3 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Dipped Delight Bars 100 Calorie Packs (Oreo & Nutter Butter)
Price: $3.50 each
Size: Box of 6
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Oreo)
Rating: 2 out of 10 (Nutter Butter)
Pros: 100 calories per bar. Dipping an Oreo in milk. Scraping off peanut butter filling with front teeth.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like an Oreo or Nutter Butter. Doesn’t contain cookies. Nutter Butter version tastes like pretzels. Oreo version has a weird chocolatey flavor. Bars are significantly smaller than the packaging they come in. They will scar whatever happy moments you remember from your cookie eating past.

REVIEW: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz

Marvo 17 Comments

For some reason, Nabisco knows how to push my fun buttons, and they’re doing it again with their new Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz.

I don’t know if they realize it, but if they push them too much, I may just cream all over myself, which now that I think about it, wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing because at least I’ll have something to spread on top of this new Ritz cracker.

This latest variation, along with their new Honey Butter, breaks the streak of savory Ritz Crackers and makes them a little sweet. Just like flavored Pringles and old school postage stamps, the flavor is only on one side, which, in the case of the Ritz Crackers, is on top. So if you’re going to enjoy these sans toppings, I recommend eating them with the top side facing towards your tongue.

They have taste that’s almost like graham crackers, which made them kind of addictive. Despite the noticeable crystals of brown sugar and cinnamon on it, the flavor was a bit light and disappeared quickly in my mouth, which encouraged me to add a little pizzazz to the cracker.

If you decide to go all Rachael Ray on your Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz Crackers, might I suggest topping it with some vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup or using each cracker to scoop out Cool Whip straight from the container and into your mouth, instead of using a spoon, your hands or Teddy Grahams you’re trying to drown.

YUM-O!

Although if you’re going to be shoveling Cool Whip into your mouth with them, might I suggest letting the Cool Whip soften because these are as flaky as all the other Ritz Crackers and AT&T’s cell network in big cities. I also crushed a few crackers over some vanilla ice cream and thought they were a nice addition. So if you live near a self-serve fro-yo place, which you probably do if you live in a big metropolitan city with a flaky AT&T cell network, it would make a nice topping that you don’t need to pay for, just like the cream when I cream all over myself.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 crackers – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes somewhat like graham crackers. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat. Makes a nice ice cream or fro-yo topping. Getting my fun buttons pushed.
Cons: Light flavor, which disappears quickly. As flaky as regular Ritz Crackers. AT&T’s cell network in large cities. Shoveling Cool Whip into your mouth with your hands. Cleaning up after I cream all over myself.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe

Marvo 20 Comments

The Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe is kind of humdrum.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s frickin’ tasty and if I felt like I could survive another onslaught of 1,880 milligrams of sodium, I would consume another, but it doesn’t stand out or get me excited. Just like my inability to differentiate between all of the CSI and Law & Orders, I could easily get this burger confused with another.

The reason why is because it’s a classic burger with normal ingredients. It’s made up of two beef patties, a slice of American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, a pickle, mayo, ketchup, and four strips of Applewood smoked bacon on a Kaiser bun.

As you can see, there aren’t any frills. No “secret sauce.” No flame-broiled beef patties. No beef from a magical cow. No F-list celebrity in a bikini eating it in a commercial. No fancy foreign bread with a hard-to-pronounce name.

Speaking of names, the name Double Bacon Deluxe is also unimaginative, forgettable and could easily be on the menu at some mediocre diner whose patrons consist of seedy characters. Couldn’t they have called it the Baconator 2?

But I guess its simplicity is what makes it good, since a “secret sauce” could easily fuck things up; the flame-broiling technique is probably patented; special beef would make it pricier; a commercial with an F-list celebrity would make Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, who starred in many Wendy’s commercials, roll over in his grave; and fancy breads would make it seem douchey.

The Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe had a nice heft to it, thanks to the two square-ish beef patties. You can make it heftier by getting the triple version or lighter with the single version. What you decide depends on how hungry you are or how much you hate your body.

The bacon is supposed to be a “thick cut” of Applewood smoked bacon, and they were thicker than the others I’ve had on fast food burgers, but not by much. However, the bacon wasn’t chewy and it’s flavor was lot more noticeable than the others I’ve had. The beef patties were good and not as dry as some of the patties from the competition. The vegetables were crisp, the bun was soft and there were just the right amounts of mayo and ketchup to add some additional flavor, but not enough to overpower the beef and bacon, like they were condiment dominatrixes.

Overall, the Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe is a quality burger. It’s delish, but I don’t even think that’s enough to help me remember it in the future.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 860 calories, 50 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of cholesterol, 1880 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 40% iron.)

(NOTE: Grub Grade gave the Bacon Deluxe a taste too.)

Item: Wendy’s Double Bacon Deluxe
Price: $7.59 (combo)
Size: 1 burger
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Nice heft. Four strips of bacon. Crispy veggies. Soft bun. Just the right amounts of ketchup and mayo. Comes in also single and triple sizes.
Cons: No frills. Kinda pricey. Almost 2,000 milligrams of sodium. Almost 1,000 calories. Has a name that’s easy to forget. Douchy fancy breads. The number of Law & Order and CSI spinoffs.