Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Bonus Jack

Marvo 23 Comments

Dear Burger King,

Please bring back your Big Mac wannabe, the Big King burger, which you introduced in the United States in 1997, but discontinued several years later.

I’d like to see it make a comeback here in the United States because Big Mac clones are popping up left and right, like zits on the faces of one of your teenaged employees manning the deep fryer, and I figure since you’ve made one before, you might as well throw your hat into the ring of secret sauces. These burgers include: Carl’s Jr.’s Big Carl, Hardee’s Big Hardee and the recently released Jack in the Box Bonus Jack.

Actually, I should really say “recently rereleased.” Jack in the Box copied the McDonald’s Big Mac decades before it became cool to do so, introducing their Bonus Jack in 1970, which was two years after the Big Mac was rolled out nationwide. The Bonus Jack contains two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, a pickle slice, shredded lettuce and Jack’s Famous Secret Sauce in between a three-piece bun.

You should rerelease the Big King because the Bonus Jack is a lame facsimile of the Big Mac. The beef patties in a Big Mac are small, but the ones in the Bonus Jack are a little more petite, and not a cute petite, like Christina Ricci. Because there’s not a lot of meat, I mostly tasted the bun, which isn’t a bad thing if I’m Cool Whip wrestling with two petite women in bikinis in a baby pool, but it’s bad when it comes to any burger.

The secret sauce did taste like Thousand Island dressing, like all the other secret sauces, but there wasn’t enough of it in my Bonus Jack to have that flavor in every bite. A couple of bites did sort of taste like a Big Mac, but overall there was a lot of bread.

Another reason why you should bring back the Big King is because Wendy’s or some other fast food joint is going to come out with their own version, and if they do, you’ll be all alone. This is bad because while all the other fast food places with Big Mac clones are comparing each other, you’ll be all by yourself, nowhere to be found, allowing the other fast food joints to assume you’re either crying or masturbating, or as they will call it, “whipping up your own secret sauce.”

Sincerely,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 540 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 88 milligrams of cholesterol, 1062 milligrams of sodium, 374 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 25 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Bonus Jack
Price: $4.99 (medium combo)
Size: 1 burger
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: About the same size as a Big Mac. Secret sauce tasted like Thousand Island dressing. Cool Whip wrestling. Christina Ricci.
Cons: Beef patties were petite. Mostly tasted the bun. No sesame seed bun. One pickle. No additional onions. Unhealthier than a Big Mac. Zits. Fast food places calling their sauce “secret” when we know it’s Thousand Island dressing.

REVIEW: Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast

Marvo 21 Comments

I sometimes wonder if Panda Express would exist if it didn’t have its Orange Chicken. Despite it being one of the unhealthiest items to come out of their gigantic woks, there’s something about the lightly battered chicken that radiates a hot coal-like orange glow that makes people yearn for it, like a baby yearns for a nipple. I’m not sure what draws taste buds to it, but perhaps it is its sweet sauce; or it lacks the nuisance of vegetable or fruit chunks; or because it’s the least Asian sounding dish.

If their Orange Chicken just happens to disappear from their menu or the serving tray is currently empty and you don’t want to wait a few minutes for the wok handlers to whip up another batch of the non-authentic Chinese dish, the new Thai-inspired Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast makes a great replacement.

The SweetFire Chicken Breast is made up of crispy, white meat chicken with red bell peppers, sliced onions, and pineapple chunks tossed with a sweet chili sauce. Panda Express says their new dish is “an exotic fusion of flavors.” But I say it’s “an obvious fusion of a few of their existing dishes.” The breaded white meat chicken is like their Orange Chicken, red bell peppers and onions are found in their Beijing Beef, and pineapple chunks are also in their Sweet Sour Pork.

It’s like they used the Taco Bell Technique, which involves taking their existing ingredients, placing them around an empty bottle, spinning the bottle to pick ingredients, selecting enough ingredients to have a regulation orgy, putting all of those ingredients in a room and letting nature take its course.

The Sweet Fire Chicken Breast’s sweet chili sauce is quite tasty, although I wish its flavor was a bit more punchy. The sauce has red pepper flakes in it, but don’t let them fool you because they don’t make the sauce very spicy. I felt a very light burn, but I wish it was a bit spicier. I also thought the sauce’s sweetness could be kicked up a little.

The chicken was tender and crispy. The onions and bell peppers gave the dish some crunch, along with a little flavor. As for the pineapples, I always find it odd when they’re added to a heated dish, like a “Hawaiian” Pizza or Panda Express’ Sweet Sour Pork, because I think it’s weird to eat hot fruit. But the pineapples in this dish helped make up for the sauce’s lack of sweetness.

If the Pandapocalypse happens and Orange Chicken is taken away, don’t fret my fake Chinese food loving friends, because the tasty Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast will satisfy your hunger for a sweet crispy chicken dish that’s just as unhealthy as Orange Chicken.

(Nutritional Facts – 5.8 ounces – 440 calories, 18 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugar and 17 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Size: 5.8 ounces
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty sweet chili sauce. Contains vegetables, which give the dish a crunch. Makes a nice replacement for Orange Chicken.
Cons: I wish the sweet chili sauce was a bit spicier. Pineapples seem weird in the dish. The Pandapocalypse. Just as unhealthy as Orange Chicken. An obvious fusion of a few of their existing dishes. The Taco Bell Technique for creating new dishes.

REVIEW: Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait

Marvo 20 Comments

I highly doubt the Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait will truly give me any delight, because it competes with my love for puppies, NBC’s primetime comedy lineup on Thursdays, and my ability to masturbate. The last one I mentioned is the heavyweight champion because it doesn’t cost any money and I can pretty much do it anywhere, even without a Macy’s lingerie ad cut out from a newspaper.

But now that I think about it, Yoplait yogurt has always been marketed to women, so the Yoplait Delights Parfait isn’t meant for men, but is really meant for women, much like Secret deodorant and Mazda Miatas.

But if I think about it even more, Yoplait Delights Parfaits are intended for delicate women who like to be gently touched. How did I come up with this conclusion? Because Yoplait also has lines of yogurt called Whips! and Thick & Creamy, which sound like they’re meant for women who like it a bit rough.

The Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait comes in a pack of four 4-ounce cups, which are two ounces smaller than regular Yoplait yogurt containers. Each cup has two layers of yogurt filled with live and active cultures: a lemon-flavored yogurt on the bottom and a vanilla-flavored yogurt on top. Unlike most other Yoplait yogurts, there isn’t any fruit in the cup.

Separately, each flavor tastes decent, but when the two yogurt flavors are mixed together, it’s like Betty Crocker is baking a lemon cake in my mouth. It’s quite tasty and creamy, but I didn’t get any delight from it, unless you count the French kissing I did with the spoon to lick it clean.

While I may not have received any delight, I’m sure women who try the Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait might get a different result. So if you’re a woman and like lemon cake as much as I like puppies, 30 Rock and masturbation, you should get your hands on this product. While you’re doing that, I’ll be using my hands for something else.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 100 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 15% vitamin D, 10% phosphorus.)

Item: Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4-pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like lemon cake. Creamy. 100 calories per serving. Contains live and active cultures. Decent source of vitamin D and calcium. 30 Rock. Masturbation. Puppies.
Cons: Doesn’t give me delight. Smaller container than regular Yoplait yogurts. Doesn’t contain pieces of fruit. Men driving Mazda Miatas. Newspaper ink getting on my hands.

REVIEW: Monster X-Presso Hammer

Marvo 6 Comments

So lemme get this straight.

The Monster X-Presso Hammer has the same amount of energy ingredients and tastes similar to a regular Java Monster Coffee Energy Drink, except it’s made in the Netherlands, comes in a can that’s more than 50 percent smaller, and it costs the same.

I’m sold!

Now I wonder if Monster Energy has a bridge, building or a used 1986 Yugo GV with a faulty transmission to sell me. Also, while we’re at it Monster Energy, here are my credit card numbers with security codes and let me bend over for you.

With only 6.75 ounces of espresso goodness, the Monster X-Presso Hammer competes with the 6.5-ounce Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso in the lightweight coffee drink division. When comparing the two, it’s more than just the size of their cans, albeit the size difference is minimal, with the Hammer being like a 32B cup and the Doubleshot being like a 32A.

The Hammer has a significantly creamier taste than the Doubleshot, which is why it has a flavor similar to the bigger and tasty Java Monster line. However, because it’s creamier, the espresso flavor isn’t as prominent as it is with the Doubleshot.

But what really sets the Monster X-Presso Hammer apart from the Starbucks Doubleshot is its use of nitrous oxide, which Monster also used in their latest line of energy drinks. The nitrous oxide helps creates a froth when the beverage is poured into a glass, making it look like an espresso beverage from a coffee shop. It’s kind of a neat trick, but unfortunately it doesn’t come with a cute barista to make a heart or some kind of art in the froth.

Overall, I’m not sure the Monster X-Presso Hammer is worth the price. It tastes similar and provides the same strong energy kick as the larger Java Monster Energy Drinks, which are also the same price. If you enjoy the bitter flavor of an espresso, the Starbucks Doubleshot would be the better choice. But if you love tulips, windmills, clogs and want to support the Netherlands via their exports, then the Monster X-Presso Hammer is for you.

(NOTE: The Monster X-Presso Hammer is made in the Netherlands, but isn’t available in the Netherlands.)

(Supplement Facts – 1 can – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 14% calcium, 9% phosphorus, 4% potassium.)

Item: Monster X-Presso Hammer
Price: $2.59
Size: 6.75 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice creamy coffee flavor. Nice jolt of energy. Nitrous oxide helps create a froth. Slightly bigger can than the Starbucks Doubleshot. The Netherlands. Tulips.
Cons: Tastes too similar to the Java Monster Energy Drink line. If you enjoy the flavor of espresso, the Starbucks version is better. No cute barista to make coffee art. Not available in the Netherlands.

REVIEW: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee

Marvo 15 Comments

If I repeat over and over again the name of the latest Slurpee flavor, Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant, it feels like I’ve transported myself to Strawberryland, where freckled Strawberry Shortcake and her pet cat, Custard, reside. Because everyone in Strawberryland, except for The Peculiar Purple Pie Man, replaces EVERY reference to the word “very” with “berry.”

Thankfully, repeating the name doesn’t actually teleport me to Strawberryland because getting stuck there and hearing the word “berry” all of the time would get berry fucking annoying, berry fucking fast.

See, look how annoying that was.

Also, being in Strawberryland would cause whatever masculinity I have left to be drawn out of me. I don’t have much left because I’ve had most of my masculinity sucked out of me thanks to Sanrio stores and Coldplay albums.

Speaking of things sucking, I didn’t care too much for the Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee. It has a disappointing mild sour and berry flavor. I also thought I could taste some pineapple in it. It has just as much sugar as other Slurpees, but it doesn’t taste crazy sweet like others.

I’ve never had black currant, so I can’t say if this Slurpee flavor comes close to tasting like it, but what I do know, from reading Wikipedia, is that black currant is an excellent source of vitamin C, but this product doesn’t have any.

I know. It’s not surprising it doesn’t have any vitamin C. After all, it’s a Slurpee and the only things Slurpees provide are a lot of high fructose corn syrup and something to shove down the front of my shorts on hot days.

Speaking of hot things, too bad I can’t hang out in Strawberryland for a little bit and meet Strawberry Shortcake. I would love to meet her and get to know her a lot better, because I have a thing for redheads and I might want to hear her say, “That feels berry, berry good.”

(NOTE: I just want to clarify I’m talking about 1980s Strawberry Shortcake, which would make her more than legal.)

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 189 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 51 grams of sugar.)

Item: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee
Price: $1.59
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Great for hot weather days. Redheads. Not a source for anything wholesome.
Cons: Disappointing sour and berry flavor. High fructose corn syrup. High in sugar. Getting trapped in Strawberryland. Getting my masculinity drained out of me via Coldplay albums.