Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal

Marvo 17 Comments

Cookie Crisp has always had the potential to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. All General Mills, the maker of Cookie Crisp, has to do to make this happen is to turn to the dark side, but they haven’t done it, yet, with their new Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal.

When I say “dark side,” I’m not talking about the one filled with anger and hate that turned Anakin Skywalker into the heartless and powerful Darth Vader. Instead, I’m talking about the one that’s filled with greed and gluttony and has the ability to turn an ordinary couch potato into the heart-diseased and easily winded Girth Vider.

This dark side also has the ability to turn Trix into something you would want to eat with a condom on, preferably on your tongue, unless you pay extra to fuck it.

If General Mills did turn to the dark side and wanted Cookie Crisp to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, the cereal would be made up of actual mini cookies, and none of these unsatisfying cookie-shaped pieces.

These cookies would be made with enough milk to make a cow’s udder spew dust, enough flour to make it look like one just came from a 1980s cocaine party, enough eggs to make PETA protest, enough butter to make Paula Deen weep, enough sugar to rot one’s teeth instantly and enough love to make one file a restraining order.

Unfortunately, the Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal maintains the status quo with its vanilla-flavored cereal with colorful sprinkles on top. It has a flavor that’s similar to regular Cookie Crisp, except without the slight chocolate chip flavor, proving the sprinkles are just there to distract from the fact that the cereal has no personality, like silicone breast implants do for most female reality show contestants.

I prefer regular Cookie Crisp over Sprinkles Cookie Crisp, but that’s just me, because I tend to prefer chocolately cereals. So if Cookie Crisp decided to go to the dark side and sell a box that contains nothing but Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy, I would purchase that in a heartbeat and then wait for that heartbeat to quicken as I turn into Girth Vider.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup with skim milk – 140 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 12 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.)

(Note: Here’s an old review I did for Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I’m not sure if it still exists.)

Item: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal
Price: $5.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Like regular Cookie Crisp, except without the light chocolate chip flavor. Sprinkles give the cereal some color. Going to the dark side, if you’re a cereal company. A cereal made up of Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy.
Cons: Not better than regular Cookie Crisp. Kind of boring. Not made up of actual cookies. Turning into Girth Vider. Going to the dark side, if you’re a Jedi. Most reality show contestants. Eating Trix that has turned to the dark side.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal

Marvo 24 Comments

Oh man, Trix fanboys must be creaming in their pants after seeing the Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal. It has TWO fruity colors in every puff. If that doesn’t make Trix fanboys scream like little girls at a Jonas Brothers concert, they’re not a true Trix fanboy.

As for myself, I don’t consider myself a Trix fanboy, I prefer Fruity Pebbles. I know what you Trix fanboys are thinking, “Fruity Pebbles doesn’t even match the fruitiness of Trix and no one would’ve bought it if it weren’t tied in with the Flintstones cartoon.” Pfff…Whatever, at least with Fruity Pebbles I don’t have to eat balls of cereal. Sticking balls in your mouth? No wonder they called it Trix.

I bet you Trixxies use the phrase “silly rabbit” in normal conversation whenever you can and also think the rabbit shouldn’t get to eat Trix. Seriously, that’s really sad. What kind of sick bastard would deny the Trix Rabbit the cereal he’s named after? That’s like not giving a dog their bone or Kim Kardashian not wearing a tight outfit to deny the paparazzi from taking photos of her huge ass.

If the Trix Rabbit was in front of me right now, I would share my box of the Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal with him. I’d pour us a couple of bowls, pull out some spoon and then curse all those kids who wouldn’t give him Trix over the years. We’d eat those bowls and then wonder what the hell is so special about the combined flavors — Berry Berry Blue, Rasporangey Orange and Lemony Green — because the cereal smells and tastes just like regular Trix.

I’m pretty sure the Trix fanboys are saying, “Well, duh! Of course, it’s supposed to taste like Trix because it’s Trix!”

But being “Limited Edition” means there should be something special about it, like adding marshmallows or freeze-dried fruit. Just making swirled cereal pieces that don’t look like they have swirls is just lame. If I wanted a cereal that tastes like Trix, I would’ve bought a box of regular Trix.

Oh wait. If I wanted a cereal that tastes like Trix, I’d buy Fruity Pebbles and share it with the Trix Rabbit too.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup with 1/2 cup skim milk – 160 calories, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal
Price: $3.14
Size: 10.7 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you like Trix, it tastes like Trix. Fruity Pebbles is better. Letting the Trix Rabbit eat Trix. It’s a limited edition, so it will be gone soon.
Cons: It tastes like Trix, nothing special about it. Swirls idea is extremely lame. Being a bastard and not allowing the Trix Rabbit to eat Trix. Trix fanboys.

REVIEW: Classic Grape Purple Stuff

Marvo 33 Comments

Purple Stuff

The generic looking can the Classic Grape Purple Stuff is in makes it looks like it should be in the food section of your local 99 cent store, but I found it at the 7-Eleven down the street. What also makes it seem like it’s a cheap item is the possible spelling error in the nutrition facts section. One of the last vitamins listed is something called “patothenic acid,” which sounds more like a psychedelic dancehall reggae band. I think they meant to print “pantothenic acid,” which is also known as vitamin B5.

Also, could they put any more words on the front of the can? There are so many words, I wonder if a copy of it is available for the Amazon Kindle. There are so many words, I’m looking for the ISBN number. There are so many words, you could read them to your children as a bedtime story.

But enough about what’s on the outside, let’s talk about what’s inside.

While it comes in a can size that’s common with most energy drinks, Purple Stuff does the opposite of an energy drink. It’s a relaxation beverage that helps the consumer to calm down and focus, as you can tell by reading the plethora of words on the front of the Purple Stuff. It’s like liquid meditation or taking a Calgon bath and sticking it in a can. I guess a better way to describe it would be say it’s like comparing weed, a downer, with cocaine and an upper.

The Classic Grape Purple Stuff does what it does with the help of three ingredients: valerian root, L-theanine and rosehips powder. According to the Great Wikipedia, valerian root is used as a sedative, L-theanine has been shown to reduce anxiety and improve cognition and rosehips are a popular healthy treat for chinchillas.

The beverage has a tasty grape soda flavor, except not as sweet as regular grape soda and it has a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Thanks sucralose! It’s lightly carbonated, so it goes down smooth and is extremely easy to drink.

But does it make me feel relaxed? I don’t know if I could describe it as being relaxed. You know that feeling when you’re super tired, like during an all-nighter, and you have this sensation across your entire body, like your muscles are about to fall asleep. That’s the feeling I get from drinking a Purple Stuff, so I don’t know if I would drink this during the day. Some might consider that being relaxed, but I think of it as being sleepy, which is a feeling that can also be accomplished by reading the essay printed on the front of the Purple Stuff’s can.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 5 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of crystalline fructose, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 100% patothenic acid, 10 milligrams of rosehips powder, 10 milligrams of valerian root and 5 milligrams of L-Theanine.)

Item: Classic Grape Purple Stuff
Price: $1.59
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty grape soda flavor. Really easy to drink. Lightly carbonated. Only 50 calories. Lots of B vitamins. 16 ounce can. Inexpensive. Possible great replacement for warm milk, if you’re trying to fall asleep.
Cons: Contains no juice. Makes me sleepy, but not really relaxed. Very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Not something I would want to drink before a boring meeting. Can design makes it look like it belongs in a 99 cent store.

REVIEW: Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks

Marvo 24 Comments

I didn’t think it was possible, but I found something that frickin’ scares me even more than The King from Burger King — the Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks.

At least with The King I can kick him in the testicles and run away, but with these syrup-flavored snacks, I don’t know how to defend myself from them. In reality, they look exactly like they do on the package, which isn’t the scary part.

What’s frightening about them is that they look like Muppet penises. Seriously, they do. Take one of these french toast snacks, then go grab an Ernie doll and make him anatomically correct with the crunchy treat. Watching Ernie sing the Rubber Duckie song in a bathtub on Sesame Street will NEVER be the same.

Opening a bag of the Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks is like opening the door to a Denny’s during breakfast time; a strong aroma of maple syrup smacks you across your Grand Slam yearning face. Think of them as sweet, thicker Cheetos because they’re made out of puffed corn and have the same crunchy texture, but instead of orange cheesy goodness, they taste like syrup and pancakes with way too much butter.

However that sweet, buttery flavor was dampened when I ate the next piece right after the first piece and it stayed that way through the others I ate one after another. After letting my taste buds reset by not having any of it in my mouth for about a minute, that strong sweet flavor came back with the next chip I consumed, but it lessened again while eating the next one. I think this roller coaster of flavor was caused by the thickness of the pieces, which were almost twice the thickness of Cheetos. Since all of the flavor is on the outside of the snack, once that outer layer of flavor dissolves, it’s nothing but plain old corn meal.

Overall, I didn’t care too much for the flavor, when I could taste it. I guess the strong buttery flavor was slightly unappetizing. I wish it had more of a cinnamon flavor or, at least, a maple flavor that permeates more through each piece, instead of having to taste plain corn meal.

So I guess the outside and inside of the Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks scare me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 17 pieces – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

(Note: Here’s another review of them. He liked them much more than I did.)

Item: Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks
Price: 99 cents
Size: 2.25 ounces
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. About twice the size of Cheetos puffs. Kicking The King in The Balls.
Cons: Looks like a Muppet penises. Strong buttery flavor was unappetizing. Once each piece loses its outer coating it tastes like plain corn meal. Scarier than The King. Strong aroma of maple syrup when you open the bag. Making Ernie anatomically correct.

Happy Fifth Birthday!!!

Marvo 216 Comments

Dear TIB,

Today, you turn five years old. My goodness, has it really been that long? Wait…Do I have to start sending you to school? You better tell me because I’m not going to jail for you. Oh, and for future reference, I won’t ever post bail for you. Sometimes you have to learn a lesson the hard way and if that means spending time in a cell with someone who’s missing teeth, has a face tattoo and calls you honey, then so be it.

But let’s not talk about a future that may or may not happen. Let’s talk about the present and past. You’ve grown quite a bit over the past year and made a lot of new friends. Sadly, your look hasn’t changed much over the past year or so. Perhaps it’s time for a makeover. But, unfortunately, daddy doesn’t have much money for one. I wonder if there’s a reality show out there that does child makeovers. Oh, who am I kidding? We would never end up on a reality show because I’m not an attention grabbing, fake-breasted whore or a muscular douchebag with anger issues.

We’re going to celebrate your birthday the same way we’ve celebrated your past birthdays by holding a prize drawing. For your fifth birthday, we’re going to give away five (5) mystery boxes, filled with items that we’ve reviewed over the past five years. The contents of each mystery box will be different.

To enter the drawing, TIB readers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” and how they discovered TIB. They should fill out the email field, because we’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing address.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Sunday, August 9, 2009 and stop accepting entries on Saturday, August 15, 2009 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE.

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It may involve chocolate syrup, scraps of paper and an electric fan.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about Chinese imports. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can get $4500 cash back for a new truck. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or lost time cause by watching reality shows.

Well, TIB, since it’s your fifth birthday, I guess it’s okay for you to finally watch TV, although not all of the channels. I’ve blocked all of them except PBS, Nickelodeon, Noggin, and C-SPAN.

Love,
Papa