Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal (Jumbaco)

Marvo 24 Comments

Dear Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal,

By the time you read this, I’ll be eating a salad with a low-fat balsamic vinaigrette. I apologize for doing this, but it’s something I had to do for the both of us. I know this might come as a bit of a surprise to you, especially because you’re so cheap and mostly delicious, but I need to be far away from you as possible. I think you’re wonderful and me love you long time, but I don’t think we’re right for each other.

First of all, we’re not very compatible. With 2,178 milligrams of sodium, you’re a salt lick and that does not go well with my high blood pressure. You like clogging my arteries and I like them unclogged so that I can properly distribute blood throughout my body. Heck, we don’t even enjoy the same types of movies and music. I still don’t understand your fascination with Pokemon movies and your love for the Jonas Brothers. Also, what’s up with you and all those Betamax tapes?

My gut tells me that I should be with you every day, but my heart says the opposite. And I’m going to listen to my heart because if I were to stay with you, there’s no way my heart would be able to take it.

You have to admit that we met under desperate situations. I only had $3.25 in my wallet and you needed a gimmick that would encourage people to spend money during these tight times. Your Jumbo Jack, two beef tacos and small order of natural cut fries for $2.99 is hard to resist. Your Jumbo Jack is delicious because it’s so simple. It’s just a beef patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mayo and ketchup in between a bun. Your natural cut fries are decent fare because they’re a bit too soggy for my tastes. And your beef tacos are probably the worst fast food tacos ever, but combined with the other two for a $2.99 price tag makes me forget that they’re greasier than a used Yugo salesman. In the end, I guess you only loved me for my money, no matter how small of an amount it was.

Anyway, I want to eat other cheap meals that won’t make my heart explode…if I can find some. But if you like, we can still be friends with benefits. So maybe once in awhile, when I want to be naughty, I can come over and nibble at you. Let me know if you would be willing to do that.

So take care of yourself and good luck.

Sincerely,

Marvo

PS – I went down on a Whopper and Big Mac at the same time while we were together.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Jumbo Deal – 1236 calories, 66 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 8 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 2178 milligrams of sodium, 1591 milligrams of potassium, 122 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 35 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cheap and mostly delicious. Jumbo Jack is tasty. Fries are decent. Great source of protein. Great for a cheap date. Friends with benefits.
Cons: Extremely unhealthy. Does not include drink. Does not include Accupril (high blood pressure medication). Jack in the Box tacos are the worst fast food tacos. Jonas Brothers. Pokemon movies. Used Yugo salesmen.

REVIEW: Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit

Marvo 26 Comments

When I want Chinese food, I don’t go to Paul Fleming Chang’s China Bistro.

When I’m jonesin’ for Chinese food, I want to be able to pick something from a bilingual menu and give my order to an angry Chinese woman who yells it to the cooks in the back of the restaurant, one of which is her husband. When my food arrives, I want to use extremely long plastic chopsticks with a slippery glossy coating that makes it difficult to pick up anything and brings me to the point of sheepishly asking for a fork. I also want to enjoy it with a small cup of green tea served by the restaurant owner’s high school-aged daughter who would rather hang out with her friends, instead of working at her parent’s restaurant on a Friday evening.

If I’m not able to get Chinese food the way I want it, I would settle for the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit, which is distributed by General Mills.

The kit is made up of individual packets of jasmine rice, cashew sauce, seasoned cornstarch, and roasted cashews. As for the chicken, just like the USB cable for your new inkjet printer, it is sold separately.

I thought preparing the dish was going to be as difficult as the paparazzi trying to get all of Kim Kardashian’s ass in a photo using a telephoto lens, but it was easy to make. All I had to do was take a pound of chicken, cut it up into one-inch pieces, coat them in the seasoned cornstarch, then brown the coated pieces in a frying pan, and then mix in the cashew sauce and roasted cashews. While I had that going, I also had to cook the jasmine rice in a pot for about 20 minutes. It made enough for three decent-sized servings. Once everything was done, I plated it and enjoyed.

To be honest, I didn’t expect much from this meal in a box but it was very good. The jasmine rice came out perfect; the cashew sauce, which seemed to be made up of mostly hoisin sauce, had a nice garlic taste with a little bit of citrus; and the cashews themselves added a nice nutty flavor and gave the dish a crunchiness. But the seasoned cornstarch on the chicken didn’t seem to add too much to the taste of the dish.

While I don’t get to pick it from a bilingual menu or hear a vexed Chinese woman yell “cashew chicken” in Chinese to a bunch of men in the kitchen with the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit, it’s good to know that I get to eat it in the comfort of my home and with a fork that I didn’t have to ask for with the face of shame.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 21 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin C, and 10% Iron.)

Item: Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit
Price: $6.59
Size: 13.4 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Rice came out perfect. Good sauce. Easy to make. Makes three decent-sized servings. Real Chinese restaurants.
Cons: You have to add your own chicken. Can’t microwave it. Damn slippery plastic Chinese chopsticks. Asking for a fork at a Chinese restaurant. Printers that don’t come with a USB cable. P.F. Chang’s.

REVIEW: Red Bull Cola

Marvo 16 Comments

If Red Bull claims the original version of their product is supposed to gives you wings, I wonder what their Red Bull Cola is supposed to give you. I’ve consumed four cans and the only things they’ve given me was gas and the ability to burp the first six letters of the alphabet. I was hoping to get either a halo above my head, x-ray vision, or the patience to solve a Rubik’s Cube.

For years, there were only two types of Red Bull — original and sugar-free. But last year they decided to get a little kinky and introduced a cola version of their product. Besides probably being a good mixer, what’s interesting about Red Bull Cola is that it’s all-natural. It doesn’t contain artificial flavors, colors, and phosphoric acid like the mainstream colas — Coke and Pepsi.

If it doesn’t have artificial flavors, how does it get its flavor? It does it with an ingredients list that reads like the McCormick spices section at your local supermarket. Along with caramel, sugar, and lemon juice concentrate, Red Bull Cola also contains vanilla, mustard seed, lime, kola nut, cacao, licorice, cinnamon, lemon, ginger, coca leaf, orange, corn mint, pine, cardamom, mace, and clove.

Just like having sex for the first time, the first sip from the can is a little weird, but it gets better after that. Its flavor reminded me of a less sweet RC Cola with a bit of a citrus taste. It’s not bad, but I honestly prefer the taste of Coke or Pepsi, even with the high fructose corn syrup in them.

The most disappointing thing about Red Bull Cola was that it had only 45 milligrams of caffeine per can, which is more than Coke or Pepsi, but nowhere close to the 80 milligrams found in a regular Red Bull. If you’re a caffeine addict, you probably won’t notice the 45 milligrams, unless you count having a headache or becoming very cranky due to the lack of caffeine it provides as something noticeable.

If you’re not a regular caffeine consumer because you think your body is a temple and the caffeine might disrupt the inner peace of that temple, it will probably give you a nice boost to go along with the disruption of your temple. The coffee beans included in the beverage not only provided the caffeine, but they also seemed to be the source of some sediment in the Red Bull Cola, which I like to think of as the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 10 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 31 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Red Bull Cola
Price: $1.69
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Reminds me of RC Cola with a citrus twist. Easy to drink. Natural ingredients. No artificial flavors. Uses real sugar and not High Fructose Corn Syrup.
Cons: Sadly, I think Coke and Pepsi taste better. Not as much caffeine as regular Red Bull. Possible sediment from coffee beans. Might be hard to find.

NEWS: Ziploc Is One Step Closer To Its Goal of Sticking The Earth In One Of Its Bags

Marvo 12 Comments

Are you having trouble keeping the skeletons in your closet neatly arranged? If so, the Ziploc Flexible Totes might just be for you. A couple years ago, Ziploc introduced their Big Bags in three sizes, the largest of which was about 2 feet wide and 3 feet tall. They were big enough to hold closet skeletons, but they couldn’t stack on top of each other very well. That changes with these cube-shaped bags that can hold closet skeletons in all shapes and sizes. Affairs, illegitimate children, that night of drunken experimentation, those years in the porn industry, that time you spent in prison, and so much more can fit in these Ziploc Flexible Totes. The flexible, heavy-duty plastic and easy-close zippers ensure that your skeletons stay where they’re supposed to. They come in two sizes: a 10-gallon XL bag and for you extreme sinners a 22-gallon XXL bag.

REVIEW: Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle Potato Chips

Marvo 20 Comments

Oh my God! The Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle feels like someone is pouring liquid chlamydia into my mouth! It burns! It burns! It burns!

Okay, it’s not really that hot to me, but others might feel that way.

The winner of last year’s Kettle Peoples’ Choice contest is quite possibly the spiciest potato chip I’ve ever had, although I might’ve in the past had a potato chip that was so spicy that it traumatized me and caused me to lose any memory of it. Eating something so disturbing and losing my memory of it has happened before.

The Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle contains the Five Peppers of the Hotpocalypse: chili, chipotle, cayenne, habanero, and jalapeno. Thanks to those spices, each chip looks like it’s burnt rather than golden brown and they also look like scabs. The heat from the Five Peppers of the Hotpocalypse does not instantly hit you, like walking out of a Las Vegas casino on a hot summer day after 24 hours straight of debauchery, instead it’s a slow burn that builds up to a medium heat that sticks with you for a while.

While it may contain a spectrum of hot spices, the chipotle is the pepper that stands out the most and also provides a nice smoky flavor, which fortunately isn’t overwhelmed by the heat of the other peppers. Its smokiness combined with its spiciness makes for one delicious chip, although its heat will probably agitate some peoples’ palates. I’m not surprised I enjoyed them because I like spicy and I also believe Kettle Chips makes some of the best tasting potato chips on the planet.

So if you like spicy, I’d definitely recommend the crunchy Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle potato chips. But if you don’t like spicy, I’d definitely recommend staying away from these chips because it really will feel like someone is pouring liquid chlamydia into your mouth.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 410 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, and 4% Iron.)

Item: Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle Potato Chips
Price: $3.29
Size: 5 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice smoky, spicy flavor. Crunchy. Lots of spices. No trans fat. Spices don’t overwhelm the chip’s flavor. Me likey the spicy. Winner of the last year’s Kettle Peoples’ Choice contest
Cons: Its dark color makes them look like scabs. If you don’t like spicy, it will feel like someone is pouring liquid chlamydia into your mouth. Might not be a permanent addition to Kettle Chips lineup. Eating something so traumatic that you forgot you ate it.