Author: Marvo

REVIEW: McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts

Marvo 30 Comments

McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts

Much like Angelina Jolie’s collection of adopted Third World children, the menu at McDonald’s has gotten larger and diverse.

Along with the usual fare of burgers, fries and toys that some people think will make them rich someday when they sell them on eBay, McDonald’s has been offering large salads, premium chicken sandwiches, and gourmet coffee.

Recently, they came out with their Cinnamon Melts, which proves once again that just like drunk college kids who need an idea for a video they want to put on YouTube, McDonald’s will stick anything in a microwave.

I like the direction that McDonald’s is taking because diversity is good. Sure, most of their food isn’t the healthiest thing you can stick down your gullet, but when you’re tired and hungry after a long day at work or school, a Filet-O-Fish can look like a Filet Mignon.

You know what they say, “Variety is the spice of life” and in this case, the spice is cinnamon. Sure, you could live your life without variety, but what fun would that be. I believe a wise man once said, “To make life interesting, sometimes men have to piss sitting down and women have to piss standing up.”

Anyway, every container of McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts is basically a bunch of donut hole-sized pieces of bread with a cinnamon sugar glaze and frosting. It would be easy for me to say that these bite-sized cinnamon balls totally bite, but they don’t. Actually, they’re pretty good…for something that comes out of a microwave.

The McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts were sweet, but not sickly sweet like eating a Cinnabon or listening to hours of the Teletubbies talk, and they weren’t as messy as eating a Cinnabon since they were bite-sized and came with a fork. But if you enjoy sucking on your own fingers, you don’t have to use the fork.

The cinnamon sugar glaze was good and it had a nice crystallized crunch to it. The bread was warm, fluffy and soft. Speaking of soft, with the McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts they have found another way to possibly kill us softly. With 460 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat and 32 grams of sugar it isn’t something I would buy on a regular basis, unless I wanted to do more good than Angelina Jolie by feeding more Third World children than she has adopted.

Item: McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good for something that comes out of a microwave. Under two dollars. Not overly sweet like a Cinnabon. Diverse menu at McDonald’s. Men occasionally pissing while sitting down. Women occasionally pissing while standing up.
Cons: Serving might seem small to some. High calorie. High saturated fat. The health of most of the McDonald’s menu. Those people who think they’ll be rich selling McDonald’s toys on eBay.

REVIEW: Snapple Diet Green Tea

Marvo 16 Comments

The Snapple Diet Green Tea is quite possibly the healthiest drink EVER.

I have no scientific data, testimonials from fake nutritionists or fancy Microsoft Excel pie charts to back up that statement. All I know is that green tea is healthy, diet is healthy, and Snapple is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. Put all three of those things together and you have a threesome of healthiness.

Now just like MC Hammer, let’s break it down.

As many of you know, green tea is full of antioxidants, which have the ability to kick the asses of bad free radicals in your body and make them their bitches. The Snapple Diet Green Tea has a natural antioxidant called epigallocatechin gallate, or EGCG for short, which is only found in green tea.

According to the bottle, EGCG also has the ability to boost your metabolism, although the bottle also says it takes 300 milligrams of it to effectively boost it. A bottle of Snapple Diet Green Tea has only 55 milligrams. So just like drinking six beers in one sitting will give you a better buzz and make all the ugly people look slightly better, drinking six Snapple Diet Green Teas in a day will increase your metabolism and maybe help you forget about whomever you brought home the other night after drinking six beers.

Another reason why green tea is healthy is because it’s green. Green is a healthy color because a lot of healthy vegetables are green, like zucchini, cucumbers, spinach, lettuce, broccoli, green beans, green bell peppers, cabbage, kale, leeks and weed.

Just like Michael Bay does with every movie he directs, the word “diet” has the ability to suck out the soul of anything it touches and just leave a tasteless, reduced-calorie and reduced-fat empty shell behind, which of course isn’t surprising because you can’t spell “diet” without the word “die.” With the Diet Snapple Green Tea, the word “diet” sucks out all the calories, fat and sugar, leaving it with a row of zeroes on its nutrition label.

Finally, the Diet Snapple Green Tea is healthy because it is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. I don’t know what the best stuff on Earth are according to Snapple, but I do know that it’s probably all-natural and it’s probably not gold, diamonds, titanium, rubies, silver, or platinum, because those would make a really shitty Snapple.

Overall, the Diet Snapple Green Tea isn’t bad for a diet drink, although I can easily taste the Splenda (sucralose) much like how I can easily taste the Scientology whenever I watch a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie. The 55 milligrams of EGCG kind of makes up for its taste and so does the 30 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, which is better than nothing, but not enough to prevent me from falling asleep during a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Lindsey for recommending the Snapple Diet Green Tea for review.)

Item: Snapple Diet Green Tea
Price: $1.29 (17.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Its taste is all right for a diet drink. 55 milligrams of EGCG. Zero calories. Zero sugar. Zero fat. Kosher pareve. Some Vitamin C. Creates a threesome of healthiness. 30 milligrams of caffeine. Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®.
Cons: If you hate Splenda, you’ll hate this. The word “diet.” Scientology. Everything Michael Bay directs (I feel sorry for Transformers).

Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel

Marvo 28 Comments

Whenever I want to get in touch with my feminine side, I like to dip my body in a tub of Nair to get rid of all my body hair, rinse off and slip into something comfortable, preferably something silky, in either pink or purple, and with a white lace trim. The smoothness of the silk feels good on my skin, while the white lace provides a little bit of scratchiness, but both providing sort of a balance of pleasure and pain.

I’ll light warm vanilla scented candles around my bed, put some lavender body lotion all over and paint my nails either Steamy Red, Goth Purple or Pink Passion. Then I’ll lay on my bed with more silky and lace pillows than I have fingers. While I allow the nail polish to dry, I’ll pick up a Harlequin romance novel and read it from cover to cover, giggling every time the word “manhood” is used.

Then I’ll watch a marathon of The Facts of Life episodes on DVD, watching Blair’s spoiled tendencies, Natalie’s fun-loving ways, Tootie’s nosiness, Jo’s tomboyishness and Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. After the marathon I’ll enjoy a glass of red wine, while I prepare a light, yet delicious, meal from one of my Martha Stewart cookbooks with the Lifetime Channel playing the background.

After I’ve enjoyed my meal and cried a little from the movie that was playing on the Lifetime Channel, I’ll relax in the comfort of a warm bubble bath with another glass of red wine and a CD of ambient sounds playing.

As I sit in the bath, a mud face mask helps clear my facial pores and soaks up the toxins coming from them. Cucumbers are placed over my eyes to help deflate their puffiness. I take in deep breaths, hold them for a moment and then exhale.

After I step out of the bubble bath and rinse everything off, I’ll fart, burp and scratch my balls to return to my manly self.

As you can see, I do quite a number of things when I want to get in touch with my feminine side. But sometimes I want a quick way to bring out the X chromosomes in me, but I haven’t found anything to do that.

Recently, my twin sister picked up for me the new Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel for me to review, thanks to a coupon I gave her, which allowed her to pick up a free Wild Honeysuckle product when she spent ten dollars or more. I hoped that using it would help bring out the inner woman in me faster than my usual routine.

I’ve been using it for the past week and I have to say that its sweet floral scent is definitely not meant for dudes, like some other Bath & Body Works products are. However, let me just say if a woman had the Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel’s sweet floral fragrance originating from her body she would smell so good that I would totally fuc…

(Editor’s Note: Sixteen paragraphs have been removed due to their extremely explicit XXX sexual content. They definitely weren’t fit for TIB reader consumption, although from those sixteen paragraphs many of you would’ve learned something new you could’ve used when making hard, sweaty lovin’.)

Okay, I guess the Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel won’t let me get in touch with my feminine side. Instead it does the carnal opposite, which I think is good for me, but bad for the woman I’m in bed with. I imagine it’s sort of like what Elizabeth Dole goes through when Bob Dole takes his Viagra.

Item: Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel
Price: FREE (Retails for $9.50)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Smells awesome on a woman and I would fuc…(Editor’s Note: Three sentences have been deleted due to their explicit sexual content). Sweet floral smell is really nice. Getting in touch with my feminine side. Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. Silk on my skin.
Cons: Its scent is not meant for dudes. Pricey for shower gel, but isn’t most stuff from B&BW expensive when not on sale. The use of the word “manhood” in Harlequin romance novels.

Taco Bell Zesty Nachos

Marvo 34 Comments

I think nachos were invented by someone who was either really high or really hungry. That is perhaps the reason why nachos look so good when you’re really high or really hungry.

Just like boob jobs, nachos come in different forms. I think someone’s momma once said, “Life is like a plate of nachos, you never know what you gonna get.”

Sometimes you get nachos with just cheese. Other times you get nachos with chili and cheese. Some nachos come with cheese and refried beans. Nachos can come with guacamole, sour cream, and/or salsa. Some nachos come in a tortilla chip sombrero you can wear outside to protect you from the sun.

Sometimes you get a whole bunch of chips and not a lot of other toppings, but that’s not nachos, that’s just chips somebody accidently spilled some stuff on.

(Editor’s Note: That last paragraph sounded like a Mitch Hedberg joke and I can imagine him saying it in my head, but I don’t think it’s one. I hope.)

Nachos may not be the prettiest food when you’re sober or not really hungry, but you have to admit they look much better than Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Actually, nachos do a great job with satisfying one’s appetite, while seeing Reid or Love in a bikini makes one lose their appetite.

Just to let you know, I’m not high right now, but I do think that the new Taco Bell Zesty Nachos are a metaphor for life. It comes with tortilla chips, seasoned beef, zesty nacho cheese sauce, tomatoes and sour cream. Each of those ingredient represents a part of every individual.

The tortilla chips represents one’s mind. Much like tortilla chips, the mind can easily crack, but also like tortilla chips, your mind can hold a lot. A single tortilla chip has the power to hold seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes and sour cream, while your mind can hold memories, online passwords, lame knock knock jokes, dialogue from Star Wars movies and horrifying images of celebrities in bikinis.

The seasoned beef is like the muscles on your body, because the beef is technically muscle from a cow. The zesty nacho cheese sauce is like your soul, because when you pass on your soul will still be around and when you pass gas the nacho cheese sauce smell will still be around. The tomatoes represent your heart, because just like your heart, tomatoes are red as well. Finally, the sour cream is your experiences. Your bad experiences are the sour part, while your good experiences are the creamy part.

All that stuff put together makes you and who you are, and unless you’re an asshole, it’s a good thing.

Okay, those last few paragraphs sounded like I was high, but I was not. I think I’m just hungry, because one of these Taco Bell Zesty Nachos wasn’t enough to fill me up. I’ll admit that it was good and for a buck and a half I shouldn’t expect much, although for the rest of the United States, it costs only 99 cents.

Despite having the meal-like nutritional values of 470 calories, 32 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg cholesterol, 730 mg of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber and 10 grams of protein, I think the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos make a much better snack than a meal.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Daniel for letting me know about the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos. Thanks to him, I think my trans fat intake is about to go up.)

Item: Taco Bell Zesty Nachos
Price: $1.49 (99 cents for the rest of the country)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Kind of cheap for me, but really cheap for the rest of the United States. Makes a great snack. Nachos are a metaphor for life. The human mind.
Cons: Small serving size and not filling, but kind of worth it for the price I paid. Messy. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Nachos without a bunch of toppings. Being an asshole. Taco Bell prices on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers

Marvo 27 Comments

I might’ve given the Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers a five rating if it weren’t for the frickin’ raspberries.

I don’t like raspberries, because I don’t like fruits that have silent letters in their names and makes fun of my lisp at the same time. But don’t call me a fruit-ist, because I enjoy almost all other fruits. Although I also really hate those damn Ugli fruits, because I’m not going to be what I eat.

Sure, cantaloupe sounds funny when you say it five times in a row really fast, but I’ll still eat it. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Honeydew melons don’t have honey or bees in them, but I’ll still cut one open and eat out its greenish goodness. Bananas are phallic, but I enjoy sticking a long one in my mouth.

Raspberries are also big fat liars, because according to Wikipedia, they aren’t even berries. How can I trust a fruit to give me delicious goodness when it’s totally not being honest to me? Why can’t the raspberry be more truthful like an orange?

An orange doesn’t lie, because an orange is orange. The only way an orange wouldn’t be an orange was if an orange wasn’t orange. So an orange would be lying if an orange wasn’t orange, but called itself an orange.

Despite my disdain for raspberries, I actually did like the Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers, which calls itself a frozen fruit sorbet. However, just like raspberries, every Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers is a liar because it calls itself “frozen,” but if you buy one at the store it won’t be frozen or even near the frozen food aisle. It’s found with the canned fruits, which kind of makes sense since it’s made from 3/4 servings of real fruit. In order to get them frozen, they have to be stuck in a freezer overnight or spend a few days in the bosom of a cold-hearted bitch.

Each package comes with four 4.5-ounce cups and each one of those has 100% of your daily Vitamin C and zero fat. Its sweet and slightly tart taste is very good and it makes a nice snack to have on a hot summer day or a masochistic snack on a cold, snowy, and blustery evening outside with nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals on.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt at Colburn Communication for sending me a free pack of Fruit Chillers, although I really wanted the strawberry or mango one. Also, Lord Jezo at 78west liked them as well, but he tried the strawberry one. Lucky bastard.)

Item: Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Matt at Colburn Communication
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Despite it being made out of those damn lying raspberries, it was good. Fat free. 100% of daily Vitamin C. Made with 3/4 servings of real fruit. Four individual cups. Contains no artificial flavors. Does not contain high fructose corn syrup. Gluten-free (That’s for you, Mir). Saying cantaloupe five times really fast.
Cons: Raspberries are frickin’ liars and make fun of my lisp. Silent letters. Have to freeze overnight before eating. Being outside in nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals. Ugli fruits.