Author: Marvo

X-It Strong Mints with Guarana

Marvo 35 Comments

X-It Strong Mints

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy and today I’ll be focusing my attention on energy breath mints. Yes, energy breath mints, which look like smaller Vivarin, except without near illegal amounts of caffeine, withdrawals, and trembling of hands. Enjoy.)

Hey baby doll! How ya doin’?

Yo girl, why you backin’ up? I knows I’m smellin’ good cuz I gots my Tag Body Spray on. I put a spray here. Bam. Put a spray there. Bam. Put a spray down there. Bam. I knows you wanna jump me, like in the commercials. Don’t be shy.

Poser? So that’s how it is now, I’m a poser. Well I’m a poser that can rock your world.

Why you backin’ up some more, baby? I knows my breath don’t smell cuz I gots these X-It Strong Mints in my mouth. They’re powerful mints so they’re gonna make my mouth so minty fresh that you’re gonna wanna faint and let me give you some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Let me pop a few more mints in my mouth right now, cuz I gots wine cooler breath.

So whut if I likes wine coolers? They’re fruity and easy to drink, girl!

An’ you know whut? These mints gots guarana in them to help give me energy, just in case I gots to do it ALL NIGHT. Yeah, you know whut I’m sayin’.

Of course, one tiny mint ain’t gonna do it for this prize of a man. Maybe if I take five or ten mints and I’ll have enough energy to rock your world all night and all day, baby!

Whut you talkin’, girl? I don’t needs to take no Enzyte wit these mints. It’s just that my leather pants are too tight and it’s squashing my huge Johnson.

Another thang about these mints are that they’re sugarfree, so I don’t gots worry about messin’ up my pearly white grill wit cavities.

Yo, why you trippin’ on my braces? They’re comin’ out in a few weeks.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should be hangin’ wit you, girl. Cuz you’re sugar sweet, baby! But on second thought, I wouldn’t mind gettin’ a few cavities cuz of you.

Try some of these mints, baby! If you like it, maybe later you can pop more in your mouth and then give some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my friend Mr. Happy, cuz he’s getting squashed in my leather pants.

SLAP!!!

Aw girl, why’d you slap me for?

Where you goin’?

Damn!

Item: X-It Strong Mints with Guarana
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Strong mints. Clears nasal passages. Sugarfree. Guarana. Freshens breath.
Cons: Takes many mints for the guarana to have an effect. My ability to talk to women. Tight leather pants.

PowerBar Chocolate Caramel Fusion Triple Threat Energy Bar

Marvo 21 Comments

PowerBar Triple Threat

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Three of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. So far I’ve reviewed an energy drink and an energy gum. Today I’ll be reviewing an energy bar, and tomorrow I’ll possibly be reviewing energy underwear. Which is actually just glow-in-the-dark boxers, so maybe not.

Also, the winners for this month’s prize drawing have been chosen and you can see who won in the News section in the right column. Congratulations to the winners and thank you to everyone else who participated.)

When I think of energy bars, the first name that comes to my mind is PowerBar, one of the originators of the energy bar.

Of course, if you’ve ever had an original PowerBar, you know that it has the chewiness and texture of Play-Doh mixed with fine sand. Over the past few years, PowerBar has introduced less dense energy bars and their most recent concoctions are the Triple Threat Energy Bars.

PowerBars are designed for athletes who need some extra energy. Of course, my idea of exercise is occasional jogging and watching Bowflex infomercials, so finding out if this energy bar will help me with my workouts was going to be hard.

Fortunately, a Bowflex infomercial starting playing on television and I found out that the PowerBar Triple Threat helped give me the energy to not fall asleep during it. So I guess it did help with my workouts.

As for the taste of the energy bar, it tasted like fruit-filled chocolate. However, tasting like fruit-filled chocolate would make sense if I was eating from a Whitman’s candy box, but I was eating a bar that was supposed to taste like chocolate, caramel, and almond, or at least artificially flavored versions of it.

Now the reason why this PoweBar is called the Triple Threat is because it’s a bar that provides great taste, energy, and nutrition.

Of course, not all of it is true. As I proved earlier, it provided energy and with its many minerals and vitamins, the PowerBar Triple Threat has quite a bit of nutrition.

However, as I also proved earlier, it lacked that great taste. But two out of three isn’t that bad.

Too bad George Lucas has a much worse ratio.

Item: PowerBar Chocolate Caramel Fusion Triple Threat Energy Bar
Purchase Price: $1.17
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Full of vitamins and minerals. Kept me awake during Bowflex infomercial.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a chocolate caramel fusion. The texture of the original PowerBar.

REVIEW: Lotte Black Black Gum (Japan)

Marvo 35 Comments

Lotte Black Black Gum

Lotte Black Black Gum has been around for a long time.

How do I know this?

I know this because this Black Black Gum commercial starring Jean Claude Van Damme proves two things:

1. This commercial is old, because it’s been awhile since Jean Claude Van Damme had fame.

2. Even in Japanese commercials, Jean Claude Van Damme sucks as an actor.

What makes Black Black Gum unique is its charcoal color and the fact that it’s caffeinated, although I don’t know how much caffeine is in each stick.

But I think it’s safe to say that there’s not enough caffeine in it for me to go onto The Oprah Winfrey Show, jump on a couch, attack Oprah, and pretend I’m straight by saying I love Katie Holmes.

I guess it’s sort of like Nicorette gum, except it’s for those who like caffeine and think it’s silly to always wear a beer hat filled with either Red Bull or Starbucks.

Along with the caffeine, this gum contains a nice list of some of my favorite Chinese herbs and flowers, like Bai Ling, Gong Li, and Zhang Ziyi.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That’s the list of my favorite sexy Chinese actresses.

Oolong tea, gingko, and chrysanthemum flower extracts are the favorite Chinese herbs and flowers found in Black Black Gum. These ingredients give the gum a nice minty flavor with a little bit of extra spice, which I think may make some people not enjoy it.

The mint flavor is initially very intense, like a powerful mint, but it quickly loses that intensity. It eventually loses all flavor in about 7 minutes, but I think people don’t chew on this gum for the flavor, they chew it for the sweet, sweet fix of stimulating caffeine.

Mmm…Caffeine. It’s the drug choice of geeks and quasi-product review blog editors everywhere.

Item: Lotte Black Black Gum
Purchase Price: $2.00 (9 sticks per pack)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice minty taste. Caffeine. Helped me finish today’s review. Sweet caffeine. My list of sexy Chinese actresses. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Quickly loses minty intensity. Extra spice may make some people not like it. Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting abilities.

XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink

Marvo 33 Comments

XS

(Editor’s Note: Last week, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer suggested I do a week of products dedicated to energy bars and drinks. I told Muneer it was a great idea and I was going to name it Energy Bar and Drink Week.

However, after drinking a Pimp Juice and letting the caffeine run through my bloodstream, I thought about it a little more and I really didn’t want to limit it to just energy bars and drinks, so I broadened the range of energy products and shortened the name to just Energy Week.

So welcome to Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. I hope that all the energy I consume will not make me bounce off of the walls or turn me into Richard Simmons. Enjoy.)

There are many people that scare me in this world, like Joe Jackson and anyone he has fathered, nicely dressed people who come to my door with a stack of pamphlets, Cowboy Troy, and anyone who says they’re a member of Amway.

When I meet people that scare me, I like to use the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique, which is almost exactly like the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique used when clothing catches on fire. However, instead of putting out fires, it makes scary people think I’m crazy and they leave me alone.

Recently, I was able to try the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink, which is distributed by Amway’s cuter, but just as annoying, little sister, Quixtar.

After drinking it, I have to say that the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is the most un-aggro energy drink ever. It has no caffeine, carbs, sugar, and apparently, it also has no balls.

Part of what makes a normal energy drink work for me is knowing mentally that the sweet, sweet stimulant of caffeine will be flowing through my bloodstream to provide me the lift needed to get through a possible future viewing of The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D.

XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is like the energy drink equivalent of the Clay Aiken, it’s not pretty to look at, it’s too skinny, and there are hundreds of options that are better.

Now as for the lack of caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink makes up for this with insane amounts of B vitamins, especially Vitamin B12. One can of this energy drink has 490 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That 490 percent is a mistake. It’s actually 4,900 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

To get an idea of how much Vitamin B12 that is, a cup of Cookie Crisp cereal has 25 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12. So to reach 4,900 percent, I would have to eat 196 cups of Cookie Crisp, which turns out to equal about 18 boxes of Cookie Crisp, which also equals the amount needed for me to bathe in Cookie Crisp.

A lack of Vitamin B12 has been proven to cause soreness of the mouth or tongue. So if your significant other isn’t going down on you long enough due to a tired jaw or tongue, this energy drink is an excellent way to increase the amount of Vitamin B12 in their diet and perhaps cut down the time needed for you to put your hands on your partner’s head to prevent them from coming up.

Overall, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink doesn’t have a lot going for it. It lacks caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls. It also has a weak fruity taste.

Although, it does look a lot like beer. Too bad it actually wasn’t beer.

Item: XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by a friend)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like beer. Lots of Vitamin C. An xtremely overabundant source of Vitamin B12.
Cons: Weak fruity flavor. Zero sugar. Zero caffeine. Zero carbs. Only available through Quixtar IBOs (Independent Business Owners).

Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter

Marvo 41 Comments

Jif Peanut Butter & Honey

Dear Marvo,

At the Impulsive Buy, you’ve reviewed several products that you recommended for licking off of your lover’s body, like the Jello Oreo Instant Pudding and the Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Dunkers.

My wife and I would like to add some spice to our relationship by using food products during our lovemaking sessions.

We’ve grown tired of role-playing, strip poker, video taping, blindfolds, Kama Sutra techniques, exhibitionism, Tantric sex, ball gags, Kinky Kards, light bondage, heavy bondage, electric shocks, anal beads, partner swinging, strap-ons, watersports, whips, dildos, body painting, feathers, vibrators, sex swings, ben wah balls, Sybians, and nipple clips.

Recently, during a trip to the grocery store, we noticed the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter and wondered if it would make a good product to lick off of our bodies?

Could you please let us know.

Thank you,
Wannabe Messy Lovers

Dear Wannabe Messy Lovers,

To be honest, I’m not a fan of using peanut butter in the bedroom.

First off, the smell of peanut butter is not sexy, unless you enjoy slapping shells with Mr. Peanut. One of the few things that can make the words, “I wanna lick your (insert body part here),” not so sexy is peanut butter breath. Also, that sentence is no longer sexy when it begins or ends with a name that’s not yours.

Another reason why I’m not a fan of using peanut butter during sex is because of the gooey consistency of peanut butter. As a matter of fact, the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey was noticeably thicker than regular Jif Peanut Butter, which was probably due to the honey in it.

The problem with the consistency of the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey and other peanut butters is that they’re harder to spread around than something like hot fudge, marshmallow fluff, maple syrup, edible lubrication, and Slurpees.

In the kitchen, if it’s harder to spread on bread, you may end up with torn bread. In the bedroom, if it’s harder to spread in your lover’s armpit, it’s going to be harder to lick out of your lover’s armpit.

There’s a reason why Mr. Owl bites to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop instead of licking all the way through. He knew the tongue is a muscle and it will get tired. If your tongue gets tired from licking up peanut butter, it’s going to be too tired to lick anything else, like nipples and in between toes.

The final reason why I think peanut butter is bad in bed is because there’s nothing erotic about peanut butter. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac; a bikini can be made from canned whipped cream; hot fudge, at the right temperature, can cause a pleasurable pain; and Slurpees can make your nipples hard.

Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey for use in the bedroom, but I would recommend it for your next sandwich. The flavor sort of reminded me of the Jif Honey Roasted Peanut Butter I’ve tried in the past, but the honey flavor was not as strong.

It’s good stuff, but just not good enough for me to lick off of a woman’s breast, inner thigh, or taint.

Sincerely,
Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to CT from the Population Statistic for suggesting the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter.)

Item: Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $4.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Nice light honey taste.
Cons: Noticeably thicker than regular peanut butter, which may make it slightly harder to spread on bread. Not good for licking off of a lover’s body. Nothing erotic about peanut butter. Peanut butter breath.