Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola Cereal

Marvo 18 Comments

Right now, I am staring at my ass in the mirror because I am waiting for a rainbow to shine out of it.

All this time I’ve been afraid of the intense healthiness found in each super-powered Kashi product, which is so natural and healthy that I heard rumors it is a hippie aphrodisiac and it causes rainbows to shine out of your ass. Hence, here I am looking at my derriere in the mirror.

Until minutes ago, I was a perky Kashi Virgin, which is as unsexy as it sounds. But eventually I gave in and I lost my virginity to the new Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal.

I guess I have some trepidation about foods that claim to be natural and healthy because I have been burned badly by them in the past. They usually taste like what I imagine rainbows that come out of my ass would taste like. However, there are people out there who adore all Kashi products and would marry them if it were legal or would bathe in Kashi’s famous 7 Whole Grains, if it did not get stuck in places it should not and did not itch so badly.

The Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal consists of almonds, coconut, cocoa-infused clusters, and of course, Kashi’s 7 Whole Grains. Despite living on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I am not a big fan of coconut, so I thought I would not enjoy this cereal very much. While trying this cereal, I could easily see the shreds of coconut in it, but could not taste the coconut. The cocoa flavor wasn’t like the chocolate flavor you might taste with the sugary cereals out there, it was better. The almonds and granola gave the cereal a nice crunch, even after spending a few minutes in milk.

With all the granola, almonds and coconut shreds, the cereal seemed really dense, like a stripper who doesn’t strip to pay for their college tuition. After eating a big bowl of it, my jaw was tired from all the chewing. The denseness was also the reason why this cereal comes in a box that is about one-third smaller than most other cereal boxes.

The Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal is probably the healthiest food I’ve eaten in the last few years. One serving of this cereal has one-fourth of my daily fiber needs, two-thirds of my daily needs of whole grains, 400 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 and it is all natural, but most importantly it tastes really good.

So did a rainbow shine out of my ass? No, not yet, but I still have time to look since I’m preparing a tub filled with Kashi cereal and soy milk to bathe in.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 6 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 16 grams of other carbs, 6 grams of protein, and Kashi’s 7 Whole Grain Goodness.)

Item: Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola Cereal
Price: $5.29 (14.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes really good. Fiber up and out the wazoo. 400 milligrams of ALA Omega-3. All around healthy. Whole grains. Despite not liking coconut, I didn’t mind the coconut in this cereal.
Cons: Makes my jaw hurt when I chew. Small box. Getting Kashi’s 7 Whole Grains stuck in between the body’s cracks and crevices. The movie Baby Mama.

REVIEW: Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters

Marvo 24 Comments

I do not know if any of you noticed, but Honey Bunches of Oats is reproducing like rabbits and I bet people in China are pissed. While each couple in China can have only one child, an asexual semi-healthy cereal can have seven offspring, with the possibility of more. I bet you right now that Honey Bunches of Oats is off somewhere breeding. Its most recent spawn is the Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters.

With a plethora of Honey Bunches of Oats variations, I am wondering when it is going to stop popping out new flavors. Right now, there is Honey Bunches of Oats Honey Roasted, Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Strawberries, Honey Bunches of Oats with Cinnamon Clusters, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Peaches, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas, Honey Bunches of Oats with Vanilla Clusters and of course, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters.

You know what? Maybe Honey Bunches of Oats is a polygamist and part of the Fundamentalist Crunchy Cereal Church and it lives with all of its Honey Bunches of Oats wives in a secluded ranch in the middle of Texas. Oh, the inbreeding could lead to some messed up offspring, like Honey Bunches of Oats with Bacon, Honey Bunches of Oats with Fluoride or Honey Bunches of Oats with Honey Bunches of Oats.

Anyway, I am exciting about Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters because it means we are one step closer to having Little Chocolate Donuts on our breakfast table. Fortunately, this cereal comes with real semi-sweet chocolate (with cocoa butter) and not that “chocolatey” crap, which looks good on the outside, but do a little digging and you’ll have a bitter taste in your mouth. Unless a bitter taste in your mouth is something you are into and willing to pay extra for.

Like I wrote in the previous paragraph, this cereal has semi-sweet chocolate, which makes sense because having sweet chocolate would be silly in a cereal that supposed to be healthy. Unfortunately, the semi-sweet chocolate clusters gives the cereal a really weak chocolate flavor and I was hoping that Barney Rubble would give me some his stolen Cocoa Pebbles to mix with this cereal.

Despite its weak chocolate flavor, I have to say that it is one of my favorite Honey Bunches of Oats variations. It has got the whole grain goodness for the adult in me, the chocolate goodness for the kid in me, and it allows me to buy a chocolate cereal that doesn’t make me look like a pathetic bachelor, puerile adult, or possible pedophile.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 120 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 16 grams of other carbs, 2 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and 1 step closer to getting mini Hershey’s Kisses into a cereal.)

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters
Price: $4.00 (on sale – 14.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Real chocolate in it. Clusters are crunchy. Honey Bunches of Oats. One step closer to having Little Chocolate Donuts. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Chocolate didn’t stand out. My excessive use of “Honey Bunches of Oats” in this review (to kill some time, count the number of times I used it). Honey Bunches of Oats with Fluoride. Chocolatey crap.

Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme

Marvo 49 Comments

All right, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme, let’s get you into these stirrups. Are you comfortable? Okay, we’re going to take this step by step. I’m now going to insert the speculum to separate your cookie.

Yes, “cookie” is an approved scientific term and we use it all the time at the OB/GYN conferences. Actually, I just gave a presentation at the American Academy of Obstetrics and Gynecology Conference titled, “Effects of Pregnancy on the Cookie — How Does It Crumble?”

Just to warn you, the speculum is going to be a little cold when I gently stick it in you. There we go. Are you doing okay? I’m going to open it up a bit. Is your va-jay-jay okay?

Yes, “va-jay-jay” is now an approved scientific term, thanks to Oprah and her powerful influence. If you look in any recent OB/GYN medical journal, like the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology or VAG: The Virgin Island’s Articles of Gynecology, you’ll see it is used quite a bit.

So let’s take a look in there, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. You’ve got a nice healthy pink going on. It reminds me of bubblegum. Have you had any pain or discomfort in the pelvic, vaginal or rectal areas? No? Good. Have you had any issues with your period? No? Great. Have you had any unusual discharges? No? Good.

Okay, now I’m going to put on some gloves, lube up a little bit, and feel around in there. I’m going to press on your stomach and let me know if anything feels painful, besides me putting two latex covered fingers up your taco.

Yes, “taco” is another approved scientific term. Actually, the American Association of OB/GYNs prefer the use of the term “pink taco.” Now I’m just going to stick this swab in you to get a sample. This will probably cause some discomfort. Are you doing okay? I got a good sample. Now I’m going to taste the sample. Don’t worry, it’s a new European technique that I learned at one of our overseas conferences.

Your sample is crunchy. Hmm…let me lick the center. The center of the sample tastes kind of like strawberry ice cream, like it should, since you are the Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. Your balanced combination of strawberry creme and chocolate cookie is pretty good. I think I’m going to need another sample from you to taste, which I apologize for since it will be a little uncomfortable with the swab.

If only you had some vanilla, then I think you would make a mean Neapolitan Oreo. You know what. I think another sample is necessary, because I need to dip it in milk. I apologize again for the discomfort.

Hmm…it’s decent with milk, but I prefer dipping regular Oreos in milk.

Well your va-jay-jay looks good, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. Do you have any questions for me? No? Well then, take care of yourself, avoid men who scratch their balls too much, keep your cooter away from schlongs it can’t handle, and I’ll see you in a few months.

Yes, “cooter” and “schlong” are now approved scientific terms.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbs, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, and 1 gram of Kelis jokes.)

(Editor’s Note: For more Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme reviews without va-jay-jay references, check out the review from Phoood, We Called It, and Oreo Opinion.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme
Price: $3.89
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Creme center tastes kind of like strawberry ice cream. Kind of addicting, like regular Oreos. No trans fats. Mila Kunis.
Cons: Limited edition. Visits to the gynecologist. Not that great with milk, like regular Oreos are. Eating an entire tray of them in one sitting.

Panda Express Beijing Beef

Marvo 33 Comments

If you’re not of the Asian persuasion, you might have a hard time determining the differences between all of us Asians. There’s Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Thai, Filipino and the list goes on. If you have a hard time with the various Asian ethnicities and just lump us all together, don’t feel bad because we Asians can’t determine what specific ethnicity you are either. But if there’s one thing that you can determine much more accurately, it is the authentic cuisine from each culture.

Sushi and ramen are authentic Japanese dishes. Pansit and bagoong are real Filipino recipes. Kimchi and bibimbap are genuine Korean courses. However, Panda Express’ Mongolian Beef and their new Beijing Beef are fucking made up.

The Beijing Beef, which is made up of crispy strips of marinated beef, with bell peppers and onions in a tangy sweet and spicy sauce, is as authentic as the boobs on Daisy from Rock of Love 2 or the love any of the women on Flavor of Love have for the imp-ish Flavor Flav.

I know it feels like I just punched through your chest and ripped out your heart, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-style, but I have to tell you that Panda Express isn’t real Chinese food. Heck, while I’m stabbing you in the heart with chopsticks, I also have to tell you that P.F. Chang’s is also not authentic Chinese food. Also, Miley Cyrus is Hannah Montana.

Despite not being an authentic Chinese dish, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Panda Express Beijing Beef. Crispy beef sounds weird, but it was not crispy like fried chicken, instead its coating had a slight crunch. The meat inside the coating was also tender and the bell peppers and onions were nice and crisp.

If you like the Sweet & Sour Pork from Panda Express, you’ll like the Beijing Beef because they pretty much taste the same. They even look the same since both dishes have bell peppers and onions. The sauce was supposed to be spicy, but it seemed as mild as the Sweet & Sour Pork sauce, which disappointed me because I love the mui caliente.

If you’re disappointed to find out that Panda Express isn’t authentic Chinese food, take solace in the fact some genuine Asian dishes can either kill you, make you consume an embryo, or get you to eat something that most people consider a pet.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 ounces – 420 calories, 25 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, and 0 grams of Chinese authenticity.)

Item: Panda Express Beijing Beef
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Oishii desu yo! (It’s tasty!) If you like Panda Express’ Sweet & Sour Pork, you’re going to like this. Vegetables were crisp. Sushi. Rock of Love 2 The Flight of the Conchords album.
Cons: Not really spicy. Crispy beef seems kind of weird. Not authentic Chinese food. Eating pets, chicken embryos, or things that can kill you. Not being able to determine different ethnicities. Having to make out with Flavor Flav.

Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper

Marvo 34 Comments

Woah, woah, woah, whoa. Hold on there Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper. Don’t be calling yourself cheesy, my Weezie. Chester Cheetah got it right when he said, “It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy.” Just like nicknames, you can’t just call yourself “cheesy,” you have to earn it.

You just can’t put cheese on or in you and expect to be “cheesy.” If putting processed cheese slices over my nipples as pasties doesn’t make me cheesy, I don’t think the American cheese and smokey cheese sauce that goes along with your eggs, bacon, hash browns, and flour tortilla can or should make you “cheesy.”

Just like most good cheeses — like Brie, Gorgonzola, and Velveeta — it takes time to develop a good cheesiness. Be considerate of all of those who spent years to become “cheesy,” like Robin Williams, Richard Simmons, reality shows, the use of the phrase “fo’ shizzle,” and t-shirts that say “I’m with stupid.” They put a lot of hard work into being cheesy and for you to come out and announce to the world that you’re cheesy, puts down all that effort.

As you can see in the photo above the only thing cheesy about the Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper is the amount of ingredients in it. The paltry three pieces of hash browns was sad and the amount of bacon in it was so pathetic that I wished for more meat and it was probably the only time I will ever hope for a sausagefest.

Overall, the Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper was decent, if you’re able to get all the different ingredients within one bite. The smokey cheese sauce didn’t add anything to it and I thought a spicy sauce would’ve been better. The hash browns were a little soggy from the cheese sauce, but at least the person making my Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper didn’t fuck up the eggs or the soft flour tortilla.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to age some cheese pasties on my nipples.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wrapper – 390 calories, 24 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbs, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, and 50 grams of phallic deformity.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Ryan for finding the nutrition facts.)

Item: Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper
Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: An entire breakfast stuffed in a wrapper. Using cheese as pasties. Good, if you can get all the ingredients in one bite.
Cons: No nutrition facts on website. Amount of bacon and hash browns were pathetic. Not earning the right to be called cheesy. Using “fo’ shizzle.” Sausagefests.