The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets definitely aren’t helping subside the occasional nightmares I have of an attacking McDonald’s McRib that suddenly appears during the wet dream REM stage of my slumber. This 100% vegan riblet looks like a beefed up, or Super Sized, if you will, version of what’s in between the McRib’s buns.

It’s like my head is trying to recreate the typical Friday the 13th movie scene where a couple is making out in either the forest, middle of Crystal Lake, bedroom or backseat of a car, then Jason Voorhees pops out and kills them both with his machete in the most gruesome way possible.

Also, in my nightmares, the McRib is oinking and for some reason the chase scene is done in Baywatch-boobie-jiggling slow motion while the Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” plays in the background. The nightmare always ends the same way with the McRib eating me with onions and pickles in between a roll. Shortly after that, I wake up and regret my decision to eat fast food a couple of hours before falling asleep.

The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets may look like the pork patty found in a McRib, which is a sandwich I’m not a fan of, but despite that fact, I really did enjoy these veggie riblets. If you’re expecting them to taste like pork ribs, you will be disappointed, but they do look like meat on the outside and inside.

If you feel you won’t like it because there’s no meat in it, I think your mouth will be pleasantly surprised and not repulsively surprised, like when you close your eyes and stick your face in front of a hole in the side of a public restroom stall. What makes these riblets so tasty is the sweet and smoky barbeque sauce they come drenched in, which masks the fact that you’re eating a soy protein patty shaped like a McRib.

Because they’re made from soy protein, they’re low in fat; high in protein, potassium and dietary fiber; and they make you look a little sexier to vegetarians when they see it in your cart. Consider it the vegan version of Axe body spray.

While heating a riblet in the microwave, the wonderful smell of the barbeque sauce will fill the air. Feel free to silently fart at that time, because no one will notice the smell. The product that comes out of the microwave looks very similar to what’s pictured above, which is quite rare for microwaved foods (you can also stick them in a conventional oven). Its shape makes you think there’s bones in it, just like the McRib, but it’s boneless since it’s made from soy protein, which also makes them easy to cut through without the use of a knife or machete.

The only bad things I have to say about this product are that the sodium content is quite high, I’m disappointed that there were only two riblets in the box and they will help perpetuate my McDonald’s McRib nightmares.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 riblet with sauce – 220 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 580 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein, 10% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets
Price: $5.49
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting faux meat product I’ve ever eaten. Tasty barbeque sauce. 100% vegan. No saturated fat. High in protein. Five grams of dietary fiber. Good source of potassium (fuck B-A-N-A-N-A-S). Don’t need a knife to cut it.
Cons: Helps perpetuate my McRib nightmares. Only two per box. Somewhat high in sugar and sodium. No instructions for heating two at a time in the microwave. Being tricked into putting your face in front of a gloryhole. A killer McRib popping up in the middle of my wet dreams.