Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Kraft Easy Mac Cups

Marvo 34 Comments

Kraft Easy Mac Cups

There’s something about foods in microwavable bowls that are appealing. I guess it’s because those tubby little bastards are just so damn cute.

Roly-poly, if you will.

Look at how cute the Kraft Easy Mac Cup is in the picture above. It makes me was to pinch its cheeks and say things with a lot of vowels in a high-pitched voice, like “goo-goo,” “ga-ga,” “poo-poo,” “wee-wee,” and “meep-meep,” which either makes me sound like I got kicked in the balls or I turned into Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Kraft Easy Mac Cups are so cute that it makes me want to say other things in a high-pitched voice that I know they won’t understand, like “You’re a good little microwavable bowl. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You’re so cute, I could eat you all up, and I will after I microwave you for about three and a half minutes in water and stir in the powder cheese sauce. Yes, I will. Yes, I will.”

They also make me want to hug and squeeze them like they were little furry animals, but not too hard, because just like squeezing little furry animals too hard, squeezing foods in microwavable bowls too hard will cause their innards to come out.

You know what else is cute about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups? The cute tiny elbow macaroni inside, which look like albino Snork snorkels.

It seems like almost everything about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups are cute, from the chubby bowl to the ingredient monosodium glutamate. Come on, admit it. “Glutamate” is such a cute word to say in a high-pitched voice.

Glutamate. Glutamate.

The instructions are also very cute and drunken Tara Reid easy. Just pull off the cute lid, pull out the cute cheese powder packet, fill the cute cup with water up to the cute designated line, stick the cute cup in a cute microwave for a cute three and a half minutes, pull out of the cute microwave, add the cute cheese powder packet, stir throughly, and consume cutely with a cute fork or cute spoon.

Besides being cute and easy, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups were also tasty and cheap. Who knew that the kindergarden equation of Powder + A Little Water = Paste would turn into something more cheesirific than the white, bland paste I remember eating years ago, during my artsy paper-mache mask making phase.

However, I have to admit that sometimes being cute isn’t so cute.

I didn’t really care for the cute two-ounce serving size, which wasn’t enough for a meal, not even a cute one. Besides that, the less than one gram of dietary fiber wasn’t enough for me to make a cute toot from my cute tush. Also, the 700 milligrams of sodium was probably enough to make my blood pressure go from cute to acute.

But overall, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups make a cute side dish, a cute snack, or a cute hat for a monkey.

Item: Kraft Easy Mac Cups
Price: $1.25
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Quick and easy to make. Cheesirific. Kind of cheap. Cheesy paste. Makes a cute hat for a monkey.
Cons: Small serving size. High in sodium (700 mg). Low dietary fiber. Beaker constantly getting blown up. Me saying things in a high-pitched voice.

REVIEW: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream

Marvo 40 Comments

Dr. Pepper: How are you today, Marvo? Are you feeling okay? Because it looks like you’re getting a little chubby.

Marvo: Well…

Dr. Pepper: It looks like you’re beginning to form some man-boobies there. Let me touch them.

(Dr. Pepper touches Marvo’s man-breasts)

Dr. Pepper: Yes, you’re definitely forming some man-titties. Pretty soon you’ll need a training bra, unless you lose some weight.

Marvo: Is “man-titties” the clinical term? Anyway, I’m working on it, Dr. Pepper. But the reason why I’m here is because I need your help.

Dr. Pepper: Well, I’m a doctor, help is what I do. Let me guess. Erectile dysfunction?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Irregular bowel movements?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Sexually transmitted disease?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Hairy palms?

Marvo: No, Dr. Pepper, I need help…

Dr. Pepper: Pull down your pants, Marvo.

Marvo: I don’t think that’s necessary, Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper: Hey, I’m the doctor here. Do you have the prefix “Dr.” in front of your name?

Marvo: No.

(Marvo pulls down his pants)

Dr. Pepper: Oh, I see what the problem is. Excessive shrinkage. No wait, it’s just really cold in here. Okay, now cough.

(Marvo coughs)

Marvo: I still think this is unnecessary.

Dr. Pepper: This is all necessary. Being unhealthy is a serious issue. Fondling your man-boobies and staring at your schlong are things all doctors do. Cough again.

(Marvo coughs again)

Marvo: Wait, is “schlong” also a clinical term? Anyway, my visit isn’t really about me, it’s about other diet sodas.

Dr. Pepper: Other diet sodas? What do you mean?

Marvo: Can I put my pants up first?

Dr. Pepper: Not yet, I have to check the other side. But explain to me your concerns about the other diet sodas.

(Marvo sighs)

Marvo: Well you know how you have Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and the new Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream? How come all three of them taste pretty good, while almost every other diet soda tastes like ass?

Dr. Pepper: Hmm, that a good question. Speaking of ass, could you please turn around and bend over? Anyway, I don’t know why other diet sodas taste so bad. I use the same artificial sweeteners as most of them. Okay, now you may feel a little discomfort with your bunghole.

Marvo: Is “bunghole” a medical term? OOOOH!

Dr. Pepper: I don’t really SCREW with artificial sweeteners.

Marvo: OOOOH!

Dr. Pepper: I like aspartame, but I know other diet sodas have tried to RAM Splenda down peoples’ throats.

Marvo: OOOH!

Dr. Pepper: Everything looks good back here. You can put your pants back up.

(Marvo pulls up pants)

Marvo: You know what else is good? Your Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. I’m surprised that I liked it because I’m not a big fan of raspberries. I just don’t like fruits with silent letters.

Dr. Pepper: What did you like about it?

Marvo: Well there’s a nice balance between the Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. Plus, there isn’t a bad aftertaste like most other diet sodas. Although I think it’s not as good as your Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper or original Diet Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper: Is there anything you didn’t like about it?

Marvo: Besides the fact that I can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Nothing else, really.

Dr. Pepper: Well is there anything else you’d like to discuss?

Marvo: Um. I know you’re not a real doctor, much like the doctors on ER, Scrubs, Chicago Hope, Dr. Demento, and Dr. Dre, both the former N.W.A. member and the former host of YO! MTV Raps, but I was wondering if you could tell people that even though diet sodas have zero calories and no fat, drinking two liters of it every day will not help make them skinnier, nor will it help with any diet.

Dr. Pepper: I’ll see what I can do.

Marvo: Thanks, Doc.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Derrick and Uncle C for suggesting Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. Also, next time you’re in the shower, remember to check your nuts for lumps.)

Item: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream
Price: $4.00 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good diet soda. Nice balance of Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. No bad aftertaste. No calories. No fat. YO! MTV Raps.
Cons: Not as good as Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and original Diet Dr. Pepper. Can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Fruits with silent letters. Getting molested by Dr. Pepper.

Cargo Magazine

Marvo 20 Comments

Cargo Magazine was like a quasi-product review blog editor’s Playboy Magazine, because they each contain pictures of things that I will never have – either beautiful, naked, and airbrushed women or overpriced, trendy goods.

Now there’s a “was” near the beginning of the previous sentence because the May 2006 issue of Cargo Magazine was the last issue EVER. It now ceases to exist much just like other magazines I’ve enjoyed over the years, such as Unshaven Hermit Weekly, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Cleanliness Magazine, and Gangsta Wannabe Monthly.

Cargo Magazine was also like Playboy because with both magazines, pages sometimes stuck together. Although, with the Cargo Magazine, the reason why they stuck together was because of the sticker tabs that were in every issue, which allowed readers to mark the pages that contained products they could buy, if they were rich or sold one of their kidneys.

What am I going to do now without Cargo Magazine?

How will I learn about what’s cool, hot, hip, trendy, awesome, radical, phat, fly, stylish, happening, and groovy?

Where else can I read about a $500 pair of Italian leather Gucci shoes, $150 corduroy men’s capri shorts, and $100 designer t-shirts?

Where else can I learn about a $250,000 sports car which I could buy if I were going through a midlife crisis or needed to compensate for particular physical deficiencies?

What magazine will I turn to when I want to view fourteen straight pages of advertisements with handsome skinny young white men in European designer clothing with pretty skinny young white women in either European designer clothing or nothing at all?

How am I going to learn about the latest cell phones that will allow me to have A-Ha’s Take On Me as a ringtone, text message my friend in the club who is standing right next to me, and take voyeuristic photos of hot chicks at the mall?

Without Cargo Magazine, I don’t know how I can spend entire paychecks or get further into credit card debit?

I shall miss you Cargo Magazine.

Sitting on the porcelain throne will never be the same.

(Editor’s Note: Did you know you could buy REALLY cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay? Search eBay for whatever magazine title you want and voila. Subscriptions take 8 to 10 weeks to begin, but that’s the same amount of time it takes if you were to use a subscription card. Unfortunately, no Cargo Magazine. Playboy on the other hand…)

Item: Cargo Magazine
Purchased Price: $4.99 (2-year subscription)
Purchased At: eBay
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: The Playboy for quasi-product review blog editors. Tells me what’s cool and hip. Something to read on the throne. Cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay.
Cons: No longer in existence. Full of things I can’t afford. Excessive amount of ads of beautiful people. Number twos won’t be the same. Particular physical deficiencies. The loss of Gangsta Wannabe Monthly.

REVIEW: Heineken Premium Light

Marvo 37 Comments

Sometimes to be creative, people need a catalyst – something that sparks the imagination and lets creativity flow.

For many great writers, like Ernest Hemingway, Herman Melville, Scott Fitzgerald, John Steinbeck, Edgar Allan Poe, and my friend Ryan, their catalyst was/is alcohol.

Since alcohol helped these writers create wonderful pieces of literature (except for my friend Ryan, who instead wrote about his experiences in nightclubs for a local alternative newspaper) I felt that it wouldn’t hurt if I tried to find out if alcohol would help me be more creative, and perhaps write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD.

Okay, I may not be able to write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, but at least something better than the usual crap I spew out.

To make this happen, I need two things, alcohol and something to review. Although not a lot of alcohol, because excessive amounts of it make me want to dance with inanimate objects, especially refrigerators, which in an inebriated state look like big booty white women to me, like pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith…times two.

Also, for some reason, I like to dance with poles when drunk.

Anyway, let’s see what kinds of alcohol I have in The Impulsive Buy Laboratory.

Red wine? Too classy.

Vanilla vodka? Too much of a chance I’ll end up freakin’ a fridge.

Listerine? Too painful.

NyQuil? Too drowsy.

Rubbing alcohol? Too poisonous.

Heineken Premium Light Beer? Yahtzee!

Oooh, I can also review it. Sweet!

Let’s do this.

7:45 p.m. – Okay, so I’m sitting here with my laptop and Heineken Premium Light Beer. I’ve taken a couple of swigs of the beer and I don’t feel creative.

7:47 p.m. – I’ve gone through a quarter of a bottle and I don’t have any ideas for the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD. The Heineken Premium Light so far has been easy to drink. It’s like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. It tastes all right. But if you like Heineken and are watching your girlish figure, you probably will enjoy the 99 calories and low carbs in each bottle.

7:50 p.m. – Oh man, I’m feeling kind of warm. I’m such a frickin’ lightweight! I only drank half the bottle and I’m already turning red. Damn these Asian genes! These Asian genes make me red when I drink. These Asian genes prevented me from growing past 5’7″. These Asian genes make everyone think I’m good at math. Maybe I should’ve ate something before I started drinking. I still don’t feel creative.

8:00 p.m. – Ugh. I drank the whole bottle and nothing. I wish I could channel the spirit of Hemingway. How did he do it? Maybe I should call my friend Ryan and ask him how he does it. No wait, he’s probably drunk right now and in his writing flow. Don’t want to mess with him because not only is he a creative drunk, he’s also an angry drunk.

8:10 p.m. – I’m just here waiting for the creative buzz to hit me, but I don’t even feel it coming. Shouldn’t the creativity be flowing like a river after the white blanket of snow melts? Shouldn’t the ideas be pouring out of me like iced tea from a clear glass pitcher on a hot summer day in August? Shouldn’t the words, sentences, and paragraphs be falling from the sky like rain in the spring?

8:11 p.m. – Oh man, I gotta pee.

Item: Heineken Premium Light
Price: FREE (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by Charlie at Hass MS&L
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you like Heineken, but are watching your girlish figure, this would be good for you. Tasted like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. Easy to drink. Low carbs. Low calories.
Cons: Alcohol does not equal creativity for me. My ability to turn red after drinking half a bottle of beer. I’m such a lightweight. Couldn’t write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, not even a tribute.

REVIEW: Staples Easy Button

Marvo 36 Comments

(Editor’s Note: To get the full effect of today’s review, you must read it like you’re an evil scientist. Trust me, the review will be better.)

SUDOKU!!!

You taunt me with your numbers and blank boxes, making me spend hours trying to figure out your mysterious ways. The pressure of trying to solve you permeates from my body into my pencil’s eraser and then into weak newspaper paper, causing it to tear, along with my hopes and dreams of solving the mystery that is you.

You look so easy to do, but are difficult like William Faulkner novels and making women orgasm.

Despite all that time spent, I have yet to solve one of you, and you are now on my list of things I have yet to solve, which grows longer every year.

This list includes: the Rubik’s Cube, a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of kittens, a crossword puzzle on the back of a Denny’s paper place mat, a word find puzzle on a Frosted Flakes box I opened in 1993, and the Da Vinci Code.

But I feel your days are numbered, Sudoku. For I have the key to unlocking your mysteries. It is the Staples Easy Button, which will make quick work of your numeric ways. For I have seen its power and it is magnificent.

Just by pressing the Staples Easy Button, entire offices have been cleaned, ink cartridges have fallen from the sky, and the Great Wall of China can instantly pop out of the ground.

It is as powerful as the fortune-telling Magic 8 Ball, which has accurately predicted on many occasions that I will not get laid.

It was difficult trying to find the elusive Staples Easy Button. For the Staples online store has been sold out for months. I thought, if only I had a Staples Easy Button to make it easier to find a Staples Easy Button. However, I ended up doing something much easier…eBay.

It was well worth the $4.75 plus $4.99 shipping to have the opportunity to see you unraveled, Sudoku. Now with one press of this Staples Easy Button, all your answers will be revealed!

(Presses Staples Easy Button)

“That was easy.”

What? Where are the answers?

(Presses Staples Easy Button again)

“That was easy.”

Why won’t you show me the answers, Staples Easy Button?

(Presses it again)

“That was easy.”

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Staples Easy Button doesn’t work!

You may have won this battle, but you have yet to win the war, Sudoku. I shall unlock your mysteries someday.

SUDOKU!!!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Staples Easy Button. If only it could truly make my life easier.)


Item: Staples Easy Button
Price: $4.75 (plus shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Says “That was easy” when button is pushed. Batteries included. Nice novelty item to have on your desk at work. Kittens. Frosted Flakes.
Cons: Totally ineffective in making things easy. It can’t even make Paris Hilton easier. Not available at Staples online store. Can easily annoy those around you if pressed too many times. My inability to solve a sudoku, figure out a Rubik’s Cube, put together a jigsaw puzzle, and make women orgasm. William Faulkner novels.