It’s been a REALLY busy week for me, so I apologize for not having any reviews this week. No, I don’t have a whole bunch of Match.com dates lined up this week. No, I’m not in jail for soliciting a transvestite hooker. No, I’m not a witness in the Britney Spears child custody case.
TIB will return next week with reviews, including my Match.com review and I’ll FINALLY announce the winners of TIB’s third anniversary prize drawing.
See you next week!
Update: We also tried it in 2022! Click here to read our updated review.
Whoever was the marketing guru responsible for naming the Oreo Cakesters must’ve been inspired by their hours spent watching professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, who went by the self-given nickname, “The Hulkster.”
I don’t know if they realized it, but it’s an appropriate name, since the Oreo Cakesters look like they’re regular Oreos on steroids, much like “The Hulkster” was in the 1980s.
I’m surprised the swollen-looking Oreo Cakesters didn’t have an enlarged forehead, shrunken testicles, ‘roid rage, or hit 74 home runs in a season.
Oreos are one of my weaknesses, just like female asian classical instrument musicians, especially those who like to put a cello in between their legs. I don’t know what it is about those black and white discs of sugary comfort that warms my heart and spikes my sugar levels, but whenever they’re around I’ll eat one or two or however many I can stuff in my mouth during an episode of The Daily Show.
The Oreo Cakesters are significantly different than their older, harder brethren. First off, they’re soft, like cake or anything by Metallica after 1990. This means you can’t crush these to make an awesome Oreo cookie crust for a pie, an ice cream topping, or something snortable through a rolled up hundred dollar bill.
Instead of coming packaged on a tray with three rows of ebony and ivory goodness, Cakesters come in a box with six twin-wrapped packs. These packs make it easier to take some on the go, but make it hard when you want to pelt someone with Oreos. The amount of time spent opening each pack means more time for your target to run away, unless your target is Britney Spears, because she does everything lethargically now, like putting on clothes, parenting, and MTV VMA performances.
The biggest difference between these new fattening Oreo Cakesters and regular fattening Oreos is that they don’t taste like Oreos. If you enjoy ho hos and ding dongs from hostess bars, I suggest you get checked for sexually transmitted diseases regularly, but if you like Ho Hos and Ding Dongs from Hostess, you will probably like the Oreo Cakesters because they taste like those wonderful chocolate cake products.
Not having the Oreo flavor is disappointing, but I do think they taste delicious and if I wanted to look like Rosie O’Donnell for Halloween, I might just use the Oreo Cakesters to help build body mass. Sure, steroids would probably give me faster results, but I want tastier results without the ‘roid rage, and I think the Oreo Cakesters would be able to provide that.
Besides, I already have a enlarged forehead from my huge brain filled with worthless information and Metallica song lyrics.
(Nutritional Facts – 2 cakes – 12 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 36 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 23 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, a measly 2% RDA of calcium, and 8% RDA of iron)
Item: Oreo Cakesters
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like Hostess Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs. Soft and cakey. Tastes good. Zero trans fat. The Hulkster.
Cons: They look like Oreos on steroids. Don’t taste like Oreos. Unhealthier than regular Oreos. Shrunken testicles. Can’t make Oreo cookie crust with them. Twin-wrapped packs makes it hard to pelt people with Oreos. Britney Spears’ VMA performance.
Chocolate recently has become something like a sexually transmitted disease in the cereal world. Just like one out of four will receive an STD by the age of 25, it seems like chocolate has been infecting one in four cereals.
Take a trip down the cereal aisle and you’ll see them: Special K Chocolatey Delight, Cocoa Puffs, Life Chocolate Oat Crunch, Cocoa Pebbles, Bran Flakes Chocolate, Cocoa Krispies, and many more. Another that has been recently infected with chocolate is good ol’ Chex cereal.
To be honest, I’ve never eaten Chex cereal any other way besides Chex Mix, just like I’ve never eaten regular Rice Krispies in any way other than Rice Krispies Treats. Chex Cereal comes in a variety of flavors, but I never had the desire to consume the checkboard cereal with milk until now with the new Chocolate Chex. I guess I believe chocolate makes everything better. That is why I will eat some chocolate when I’m a father and am forced to watch Disney’s High School Musical 8…for the tenth time.
According to the box, Chocolate Chex has a touch of cocoa, which was basically cocoa powder toasted into it, but I really wished instead of a touch it had a welcomed fondling or groping of cocoa. Not all the pieces were chocolatey. It seemed like there was an equal amount of chocolate and plain Chex cereal in the box. The chocolate cereal pieces were obviously chocolatey, but the non-chocolate pieces were unexciting.
If the cereal was chocolatey throughout, it probably would’ve been a better cereal. Instead it was decent cereal that seemed to lose some of its chocolatey flavor when eaten with milk. The chocolate did make the milk chocolatey-looking, but not very chocolatey-tasting.
Actually, eating Chocolate Chex dry was much better than eating it wet. This makes me believe that it would make an awesome Chocolate Chex Mix with chocolate-covered pretzels and chocolate-covered peanuts.
With chocolate finding its way into more cereals, I wonder how long it will take for Chocolate Raisin Bran, Chocolate Grape Nuts, or Kashi Chocolate Good Friends Cereal to become a reality. If chocolate helps those cereals become better, we may see a chocolate epidemic spread throughout other products.
(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup serving size – 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbs, less than 1 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbs, 2 grams of protein, and a shitload of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Chocolate Chex
Price: FREE (14.25 ounces)
Purchased at: Received from some nice PR people
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes better without the milk. Would make a mean Chex Mix. Kosher and Pareve (for my Jewish friends). Full of vitamins and minerals. Part of a complete breakfast or part of a lazy bachelor’s dinner. Chocolate makes everything better. Bras.
Cons: Not all of the cereal is chocolate covered. Loses some of its chocolatey flavor when eaten with milk. No chocolate milk. High School Musical 8.
I don’t know what to do with myself during the 35 seconds it takes to warm up an Oscar Mayer Fast Frank. Most microwavable foods I eat, like popcorn and Lean Cuisine meals, take three to five minutes to heat up.
During that time I can walk away from the microwave and do a lot of different things, like put clothes in the washing machine, check out baseball box scores, iron a pair of pants, or kill some random guy with my bare hands, but I can’t do any of those things within 35 seconds. If I was an inexperienced overexcited male about to lose his virginity, those 35 seconds would be more than enough to experience premature ejaculation, but I’m no longer that person.
Each box of Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, which needs to be refrigerated, comes with three individually wrapped weiners with buns in a heating sleeve. The weiner inside the wrapping comes in its own wrapping, all of which is sort of like the equivalent of putting your groceries in paper and plastic bags or double-bagging a weiner — anatomy, not food.
(Editor’s Note: Please don’t double-bag weiners — anatomy, not food. Double-bagging increases the chances of condom breakage. No matter how skanky the person you’re with is, double-bagging might not provide double the protection. So please, don’t let friends double-bag. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friends at The Impulsive Buy.)
Taking the hot dog with bun out of its wrapper, then taking the weiner out of its wrapper and putting it back in the bun, and then putting the hot dog in its heating sleeve in the microwave took slightly less than the 35 seconds it takes to warm a Fast Frank up. So I could prepare another Fast Frank while I wait for the first one warming up in the microwave, but eating two of them in one sitting would probably negate my daily Thighmaster workout, due to their high saturated fat and sodium content.
For those 35 seconds, I could just stare at the microwave, watch the Fast Frank rotate as it warms up, and feel the radiation on my skin, but there has to be a better use of my time. I guess I could just dance my way through the 35 seconds.
(Editor’s Note: Yes, that was me dancing. I have no rhythm.)
After the 35 seconds, I ended up with a decent tasting hot dog. Made out of turkey, pork, and chicken, the weiner warmed up thoroughly and was tasty, especially with the mustard I added to it. The bun was soft, but had a very slight staleness to it, which really isn’t surprising since it’s been refrigerated.
The Oscar Mayer Fast Franks seem perfect for those who are too lazy to cook. They are faster to warm up than a Cup o’ Noodles ramen, but unfortunately, they are significantly more pricey. The cost of each box of three individually wrapped weiners is roughly the equivalent of 6-10 Cup o’ Noodles. Its price is also about the same as a pack of hot dogs and a pack of hot dog buns combined, which will yield a significant more amount of weiners, but of course, with less convenience.
Although, with the time it takes to prepare weiners the old fashioned way, I will have more time to read my email, kill people my bare hands, or dance.
(Nutrition Facts for 1 Hot Dog with Bun: 290 Calories, 170 Calories from Fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein)
Item: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty weiner. Super quick to warm up. Perfect for people too lazy to cook. Good source of protein. Individually wrapped. Dancing.
Cons: As unhealthy as normal hot dogs. Really pricey for only three hot dogs. Cup o’ Noodles are cheaper. Double-bagging weiners — anatomy, not food. Putting a video of yourself dancing poorly on YouTube. Can’t do much in 35 seconds. Getting the Jumbo Hotdog song stuck in your head. Premature ejaculation.
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