Author: Marvo

REVIEW: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style

Marvo 30 Comments

Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are probably not safe for work. Unless you work at home. Or at a 24-hour adult video store. Or at Leather & Chains R Us. Or at a nightclub that’s located in some basement called The Torture Lounge that smells like leather and has more ropes than a Boy Scout camp.)

Because today’s review is about a product called Yoplait Whips!, it would be SO easy to start off this review by writing about S&M bondage gear.

You know, like whips, chains, spiked collars, leather masks, handcuffs, ball gags, ropes, belly chains, hobble skirts, thumbcuffs, bondage hooks, monogloves, sleepsacks, bit gags, belts, breast binders, ass hooks, chastity belts, corsets, D-rings, elbow harnesses, humblers, and inflatable gags.

However, since I seem to mention bondage in every fifth review, it would’ve been too predictable for me to write about things like muzzles, panic snaps, posture collars, ring gags, shackles, stocks, suspension cuffs, Berkley horses, fisting slings, whipping benches, blindfolds, bondage hoods, gas masks, vacuum beds, spanking paddles, and nipple clamps.

So instead of writing about pony harnesses, dental forceps, funnel gags, floggers, spanking horses, and spreader bars, I’m going to write about how the live and active cultures in Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt are the best I’ve ever eaten.

Live and active cultures are bacteria, except they’re good bacteria. They’re not like the bacteria that makes you sick or the bacteria you get after spending some time with a Southeast Asian bar girl who asks you to buy her a lot of “drinkie-drinkie.”

Having good and bad bacteria is much like how there’s bad cholesterol (LDL) and good cholesterol (HDL). It’s also like how there’s pre-Thriller Michael Jackson and post-Thriller Michael Jackson.

Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style Closeup

Although the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt had the best live and active cultures I’ve ever tasted, it wasn’t the best yogurt I’ve ever had. That title belongs to whatever TCBY pumps out of those soft serve machines.

Like all yogurts and my armpits after I go jogging, the Yoplait Whips! was slightly tangy, which made me think there was some kind of fruit in the yogurt, but it’s only chocolate.

One of the things that was weird about the Yoplait Whips! was the texture of it. If you take a look at the picture above, the yogurt looks like a chocolate sponge or (insert your imagination here). I also think the texture of the yogurt in my mouth is the same feeling I would get if I decided to eat fog.

The Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is light and fluffy like an actual chocolate mousse, but it’s definitely not cream and smooth like one.

Hmm…Maybe the reason why I don’t truly love the Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style yogurt is because I don’t really enjoy things light and fluffy.

I prefer harsh and rough, with maybe a little biting.

Item: Yoplait Whips! Chocolate Mousse Style
Purchase Price: 69 cents (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate yogurt. Best live and active cultures I’ve ever had. Good cholesterol. Five grams of protein. Things that are harsh and rough. Biting.
Cons: It’s like eating a chocolate sponge. Bad cholesterol. My armpits after jogging. Southeast Asian bar girls who scratch a lot.

Winter Lucky Charms

Marvo 42 Comments

Green clovers? Blue moons? Purple horseshoes? Red balloons? Brown mushrooms?

I don’t know what Lucky the Leprechaun has been smoking, but I do know that I don’t want any of it.

Now that I think about it, maybe the kids chasing him aren’t after his Lucky Charms, they’re after his stash of whatever he’s been smoking. Or maybe the kids chasing Lucky the Leprechaun are just drug-induced hallucinations.

Anyway, the reason why I question Lucky the Leprechaun’s “extra-curricular” activities is because of the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms.

With regular Lucky Charms there are red balloons, blue moons, purple horseshoes, rainbows, pink hearts, etc, and they all look like what they’re supposed to represent.

However, with the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms, they look like Lucky the Leprechaun was either on an acid trip, in a dervish mood, or had something else on his mind, like a hot date, wondering whether his pot of gold was safe, or he needed to take a massive dump, but hates to use public restrooms.

Whatever it was, the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms don’t look so winter-ish. But they do look like other things (see chart below as reference – click pic for larger view).

The “pine tree” marshmallows don’t even come close to looking like an actual pine tree. Car fresheners shaped like pine trees come much closer than these. However, if you turn the “pine tree” marshmallow on its side, it totally looks like a glob of minty fresh toothpaste.

The “stocking” marshmallow is probably the worst of them all. First off, maybe I didn’t get the memo on this, but when did yellow become a “holiday” color. Also, I don’t know of anyone who has yellow stockings, except Big Bird. However, his entire wardrobe is yellow. To me, the yellow “stocking” looks more like an upside down rubber duckie.

The “candy cane” marshmallow maybe shaped like a candy cane, but it looks likes the red lines were painted by some psycho serial killer with nervous system problems, who likes to paint with the blood of their victims. Personally, I think the “candy cane” marshmallow looks like uncooked bacon.

As for the “snowman” marshmallow, where’s the corncob pipe, button nose, two eyes made out of coal, and tighty whitey underwear? Whitney Houston and I both believe that the “snowman” marshmallows look like pieces of crack cocaine, and Whitney would like to know how much they are?

The “ornament” marshmallows don’t really look like anything, but the closest thing I think they look like are bloody cotton swabs that someone might’ve gotten from sticking them a little to far into an orifice.

If the “wreath” marshmallow had a hole in the center of it, it might’ve looked like a wreath, but instead it looks like Oscar the Grouch’s girlfriend, Grungetta Grunge.

Finally, the “present” marshmallow doesn’t really come close to looking like a present. However, it does come really close to looking like a Gay Pikachu.

Despite the marshmallows not looking like what they’re supposed to, Winter Lucky Charms tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. However, I think there should’ve been a Scrooge-shaped marshmallow in the box, because the 11.75-ounce box of Winter Lucky Charms is smaller than the smallest regular Lucky Charms box, which is 14-ounces.

So not only is Lucky the Leprechaun a dope head, he’s also a cheap bastard.

(Editor’s Note: Bah! Lord Jezo has beaten me again. Go read his review of Winter Lucky Charms here.

Item: Winter Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallows.
Cons: Slightly smaller box than regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallow don’t look like what they’re supposed to. A high Lucky the Leprechaun. A high Whitney Houston.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights

Marvo 38 Comments

A couple of months ago, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer asked if I could review the Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights. About a month later, I picked up a package, but did so with a lot of trepidation.

When I picked it up, it was about the same time that Impulsive Buy reader Ultimate Best Vamp Ever sent me an email asking me to review the Warm Delights. I told her I would, but didn’t tell her about my dark, deep secret, which prevented me from actually trying the Warm Delights.

Finally, this week, Impulsive Buy reader Jamie also asked me if I could review the Betty Crocker Warm Delights. With this many people asking for a review of the Warm Delights, I’ve decided to overcome my fears and let you know about one of my dark, deep secrets.


I trim my pubic hairs…

Oh wait, that was the wrong dark, deep secret.

Um…the actual dark, deep secret I wanted to tell is that I REALLY suck at baking.

Much like Trivial Pursuit, Connect Four, expressing myself emotionally with women, double dutch, shuffleboard, getting girlfriends to not break up with me using pathetic amounts of begging, and getting change back after sticking a twenty dollar bill under a stripper’s thong, baking is something I’m not very successful at…especially brownies.

I’m not talking about baking brownies from scratch, because I wouldn’t even dream of attempting that. I’m talking about from the easy-to-make brownie mix box. I have attempted to make brownies twice in my life and both times I failed miserably.

The first time I made brownies was in college, while playing Crash Bandicoot on the original Playstation. I added all the ingredients, except two eggs, which I kept out to make a “healthy” brownie.

About 30 minutes later, when I had to stick a toothpick into the brownies to see if they were done, the brownies broke the toothpick because the surface of the brownies was as hard as the pan they were in. It was so hard, I could’ve probably used it if I was in a tag-team wrestling match and wanted to knock out my opponent when the referee wasn’t looking.

The second time I made brownies, I added a little too much liquid and ended up with something that was less like brownies and more like chocolate cake.

So for years, I’ve stayed away from baking brownies, because I’d like the number of failed brownie baking attempts to be significantly less than the number of David Blaine “magic” television specials.

So it was with a lot of caution that I attempted to “bake” the single-serving Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights. On the packaging there were several “easy” steps, but not so easy for someone who not only sucks at baking brownies and pleading with women not to leave him, but also sucks at unit conversion.

After adding the brownie mix to the provided bowl, the instructions say to just add one tablespoon of water plus one teaspoon of water. Unfortunately, I only had a tablespoon spoon and I didn’t know which unit of measurement was larger. However, this problem was quickly solved thanks to our future overlords, Google.

So after mixing the water and brownie mix, the whole thing went into the microwave for 45 seconds. Yes, only 45 seconds. Enough time to get milk from the fridge, but not enough time to get milk from a cow.

When I pulled it out of the microwave, I had a decent-sized brownie that was about four inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick. It definitely had more substance than Nicole Richie.

Included with the Warm Delights kit was a pack of fudge topping, which I drizzled on top (see picture above). I was surprised by how much topping there was to put on top of the brownie. It was enough to make people say, “Would you like some brownie with that fudge topping?”

After letting it sit for a while, I dug into it with a fork. Fortunately, the fork didn’t bend. With it still being a little warm, the brownie was a little bit on the cake-y side. So since I prefer my brownies to be chewy, I ate half of it and stuck the rest in the fridge, which really didn’t do much.

Overall, it was surprisingly good. The fudge topping added a lot of flavor to it, but if you’d like to make it a little better, you might want to think about adding some ice cream on it, chocolate chips in it, or going to your friend’s place that always smells like incense and getting some “special” ingredients to put in it that they grow hydroponically in their closet.

Item: Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty with the fudge topping. Lots of fudge topping. Takes less than five minutes to make. Convenient. Microwaveable. More substance than Nicole Richie. Trimmed pubic hair.
Cons: A little too cake-y for me. My abilities to make brownies from a boxed mix. David Blaine. My ability to express myself emotionally with women. My unit conversion skills.

REVIEW: Glaceau SmartWater

Marvo 32 Comments

Marvo: Okay. Whose 1916 U.S. presidential campaign slogan was: “He kept us out of war.”?

Glacéau SmartWater: That’s easy. Woodrow Wilson’s

Marvo: Dammit! You got the yellow wedge!

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, that means I’ve got all the wedges and all I need to do to kick your ass again at Trivial Pursuit is get back to the middle and answer one more question.

Marvo: The game isn’t over yet.

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh wait. Let me play you a song.

(Glacéau SmartWater pushes play on the stereo and Wilson Phillips’ Hold On starts playing.)

Marvo: What’s up with the Wilson Phillips? Have you been watching too much I Love the 90s?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear her?

Marvo: Hear who?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear the fat lady singing?

Marvo: Fat lady? Do you mean Carnie Wilson?

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, do you hear her singing?

Marvo: Dude, Carnie’s not fat anymore. Actually, she lost a lot of weight and she’s pretty hot now.

Glacéau SmartWater: But she was fat when she recorded the song.

Marvo: You’re being an prick, you know. Just because your first name is in French, doesn’t mean you have to act French.

Glacéau SmartWater: Whatever. Let’s get this over with so you can go crying back to your mamma. Maybe if you actually attended class and read your textbooks in college, I wouldn’t be whooping your ass for the umpteenth time.

Marvo: Well then, roll the dice you arrogant prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Why do you keep playing against me? Can’t you read? I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: More like SmartAssWater. Anyway, what makes you so special?

Glacéau SmartWater: No water purifies better. No water hydrates faster.

Marvo: Dude, you’re just reading your own label, you corporate shill. Besides how the hell can anyone tell if the water they’re drinking is hydrating them faster?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m electrolyte enhanced, beeyatch!

Marvo: So you’re like a flavorless and colorless Gatorade?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m better than Gatorade.

Marvo: Whatever. Just roll the dice.

(Glacéau SmartWater rolls the dice and gets a six.)

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh yeah! Six baby! Back to the middle for the win.

Marvo: Well I get to pick the category.

Glacéau SmartWater: It don’t matter. History. People and Places. Entertainment. Science. Sports. Literature. I know it all. I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: All right, let’s see if you can answer this science and nature question.

Glacéau SmartWater: Bring it!

Marvo: What major Eastern city was the first in the U.S. to boast a bloodmobile for dogs, in 1991?

Glacéau SmartWater: Let me think about that, Silly Willie. Maybe I should sing a little ditty? Is it getting kind of chilly? Oh look at that lily. Really?

Marvo: Shit! You know it, just say it.

Glacéau SmartWater: The answer is Philly, dear Billy. Philadelphia, beeyatch!

Marvo: Dammit!

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh! Do you know what time it is now?

Marvo: Oh shit. Not again.

Glacéau SmartWater: It’s peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? There he go. There he go. There he go. There he go. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Marvo: Frickin’ prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Don’t be a sore loser. You almost had me. At least you answered one question correctly this time.

Marvo: I’m not being a sore loser, you’re being a sore winner.

Glacéau SmartWater: Well maybe if your body was all water instead of 70 percent water, you’d be as smart as me.

Marvo: Oh, really?

(Marvo grabs Glacéau SmartWater opens him and drinks half the bottle.)

Glacéau SmartWater: HEY! HEY! HEY! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL, MAN!

Marvo: No, that WAS cool…and refreshing.

Item: Glacéau SmartWater
Purchase Price: $1.39 (33.8 fluid ounces)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing as revenge. Electrolyte enhanced. Pretty bottle. Better tasting than tap water. Peanut butter jelly time.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water in bigger sizes. Sore winner. A total prick. Know-it-all asshole.

REVIEW: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist

Marvo 15 Comments

Excuse me. Do you like children? You do! Great! So why don’t you, me, and those twins on your chest have a fun family outing back at my place?

Oh, hello there!

I’m just testing out the new Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist. It not only helps freshen my breath, it also helps me as I practice my pick up lines in the mirror. It’s like Binaca, except in a plastic container that looks like a cigar cutter or a tool used for circumcisions.

I’ve also been thinking about adding the Listerine PocketMist to my usual routine when I’m picking up women at a bar or club, which goes something like this:

1. See woman.
2. Spray Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist into my mouth.
3. Walk over the woman.
4. Tap woman on the shoulder.
5. Use AWESOME pickup line.
6. Get napkins to wipe off the drink the woman threw at my face.
7. Pretend she didn’t just kick me in the balls.
8. See another woman.
9. Repeat.

Just a little warning for you guys who plan to use my picking-up-women routine, it works best in a bar or club, but definitely doesn’t work well at coffee shops, because they have better lighting than a bar or club and coffee is really hot. Also, keep away from tea houses as well.

Despite the minty fresh flavor not lasting very long and not producing a nasal-clearing sensation like Listerine PocketPaks, I think the Listerine PocketMist would totally compliment the AWESOME pick up lines I use. For example:

Excuse me. Are you a pirate? No? Well then, what are you doing with that big booty?

Oh yeah! Yahtzee!

Sure I might get a few slaps in the face or a restraining order, but all I need is one “yes.” Hey, it took Colonel Sanders hundreds of times before someone bought his chicken recipe and it also took Thomas Edison hundreds of times before he perfected the light bulb.

My pick-up routine is not only for guys, but women can use it as well. Here’s a great pick up line you women can use on men.

Excuse me, I’m REALLY thirst. Do you mind if I suck on your six-pack abs?

The Listerine PocketMist not only might help you women when picking up men, it might also come in handy to repel men. If you don’t have any pepper spray handy or if you’re tired of kicking guys in the nuts, just spray some of it into the guy’s face and watch them squirm. It will deter guys with extremely greasy hair, too much cologne, missing teeth, or cheesy pick up lines.

Item: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist
Purchase Price: $2.99 (from Drugstore.com)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Gives temporary fresh breath. Also works as a way to repel guys with cheesy pick up lines. Good for 140 sprays or one day of practicing pick up lines in the mirror. My pick up lines.
Cons: Fresh breath feeling lasts only for several minutes. Not as strong as Listerine PocketPaks. Restraining orders. Using pick up lines on women as coffee shops.