Author: Marvo

Chex Mix for Kids

Marvo 8 Comments

Chex Mix for Kids

Editor’s Note: I guess many of you are interested in who won the 100th Review Prize Drawing. I’m pleased to announce that after rolling over the 64 entries with my sweaty naked body and letting them fall off of my body, the winner of the prize drawing is Ayesha97.

Sorry, there aren’t any pictures of me rolling around in the entries because…Um, read tomorrow’s review and you’ll understand. So what does Ayesha97 win? Um, that will be decided this weekend, but we promise it will be kick ass.

Thank you to all of those who entered the drawing. Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.

When I was young, I remember whenever I had alphabet soup I would just sit in front of my bowl and spell swear words.

Of course, since my age wasn’t in the double digits, the extent of my profanity didn’t go beyond “boob,” “butt,” “doo-doo,” “pee-pee,” and “ding-dong.”

As many of you know, I still play with food, except I don’t play with it alone, if you know what I’m saying, baby. I gots me some creamy chocolate pudding with your name on it, baby.

Oh, sorry.

I’m sure many of you also played with your food and got scolded by your parents, because they probably heard something from Miss Manners, who said it wasn’t proper to play with food. Well Miss Manners sounds like the boring type who only does it missionary style, so I don’t think we should listen to her.

Besides, it seems like many of the foods today that focus on kids, encourage them to play with food.

Case in point, these new Chex Mix for Kids. In each package are crackers and pretzels that come in various shapes, along with Chex cereal. This particular package I picked up was the Castle Adventure Pizza Flavor, so there were pieces that looked like swords, shields, and dragon heads.

Tara Reid Chex

It was fun creating scenes using the Chex Mix. I created a few medieval scenes, which included a two knights jousting and a knight battling a dragon. However, I eventually got bored with the whole medieval thing and used my imagination to come up with other scenes.

My favorite one was a scene I created where a drunken Tara Reid accidentally has both of her boobs pop out of her dress while on the Red Carpet in front of photographers (see picture on left).

Editor’s Note: Originally I said “see picture on right,” but many readers pointed out that the picture is on the left. Yes, I made a mistake and I blame it on my preoccupation with the pretzel boobs in the picture.

After playing with the Chex Mix for a while, I finally got around to eating it.

While chomping on Tara Reid’s pretzel boobs, I couldn’t taste the pizza flavor very well. Even the crackers had a light pizza taste. However, the Chex cereal had a strong pizza flavor.

One of the things I like about the Chex Mix for Kids is the fact that it’s baked and not fried, which is good because I ate over half the bag while watching the New England Patriots dismantle the Indianapolis Colts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, with the rest of the Chex Mix for Kids, I’m going to recreate the moment when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up.

Item: Chex Mix for Kids (Pizza Flavored)
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Fun to play with…the Chex Mix that is. Baked not fried. Able to recreate any medieval scene or a Tara Reid boobie slip.
Cons: The pizza taste is mostly on the Chex cereal, not enough on the pretzels and crackers.

Edge Advanced Shaving Gel

Marvo 11 Comments

Edge Advanced

Being the editor of a quasi-product review blog has a lot of perks. I get to try new things, meet a lot of nice people, and beautiful women want to hang out with me.

Okay, the last one isn’t true.

However, with the Impulsive Buy being kind-of-sort-of popular, I sometimes feel like I’m a quasi-celebrity. Sort of like Kato Kaelin, except not as famous and even less attractive.

If there’s one downside to being a quasi-product review blog editor, it’s that I’ve accumulated a lot of personal care products. I’ve got a better personal care product selection than the convenience store down the street.

For example, I’ve got SEVEN open tubes of toothpaste. SEVEN!

You don’t believe me?

Well there’s the Colgate Max Fresh with Mini Breath Strips, the Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze, the four that came in the Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack, and the tube of Colgate Total that I opened when the Impulsive Buy was just a twinkle in my eye.

Hey, does toothpaste ever go bad?

Anyway, with today’s review of the new Edge Advanced Shaving Gel, it brings my total of shaving gels/creams in my bathroom to three. This includes The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream and the can of regular Edge Shaving Gel that I’ve hardly used for the past six months. I’ve hardly used it because almost every other week I attempt to grow a beard, goatee, or muttonchops.

I’ve been using the Edge Advanced daily since last week and despite all that shaving, I couldn’t find anything “advanced” about it. I even did one of those side-by-side comparisons that Consumer Reports would probably do, where I put regular Edge Shaving Gel on one half of my face and Edge Advanced on the other half.

I got nothing from that.

I guess the most important thing is that it gets the job done, meaning it prevent my face from getting cuts and also prevent my face from feeling like I just dipped it in lava.

Because the Edge Advanced did accomplish those things, maybe it did provide the extra protection, like the can says. However, the regular Edge Shaving Gel has also prevented cuts and that burning sensation.

Anyway, if a shaving gel is going to call itself “advanced” it should be able to shave for me, or even better, kill the hair follicles on my face so I don’t have to shave anymore.

Side Note: I have not and will not try to put Nair on my face. The smell alone makes my nose hairs wilt.

I guess the best part about the Edge Advanced Shaving Gel was its can, which has this cool hologram image on it. Move the can around and watch the hologram go.

It’s the perfect thing that will occupy your dog, infant, or stoned friend.

Item: Edge Advanced Shaving Gel
Purchase Price: $2.76
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cool hologram image on can, man. It’s new. May provide extra protection that you won’t notice.
Cons: Not really advanced. Won’t shave my face for me. Won’t kill hair follicles.

Burger King Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger

Marvo 10 Comments

You know the name of a burger is too long when it has more words than the total number of times Jennifer Lopez has been engaged.

Congratulations should go out to Burger King and their Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger for this wordage monstrosity.

I can also tell it’s too long, because I have a hard time saying, “Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger” really fast five times in a row.

Go ahead. You try and say it. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here.

(Moments later)

Did you mess up?

You didn’t? Dammit! Are you an auctioneer or something?

Editor’s Note: So I don’t have to type Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger all the frickin’ time, from this point on I will refer to it as ABCRSB (pronounced ab-ceer-sbee).

A few months ago, Burger King introduced the Angus Steak Burger. The Impulsive Buy tried both the original Angus Steak Burger and the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, which I reviewed in September.

In that review, I didn’t think much of the burger’s peppery sauce, but thought it was a hefty burger and the Angus meat was good.

I also didn’t like its name because it was a dropped letter “g” away from being called the Anus Steak Burger, which wouldn’t make it very appetizing, unless you like tossing salad.

Well I guess those Angus burgers were successful enough to warrant (heh, heh) a new burger using Angus beef, hence the ABCRSB.

So what’s different between the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger and the ABCRSB?

The only differences seem to be the ABCRSB’s sauce (a creamy ranch sauce), and the type of cheese (cheddar cheese). However, the creamy ranch sauce hardly added much to the burger, since I really couldn’t taste it.

What’s even more disappointing was the cost of the ABCRSB Value Meal, which was a dollar more than the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger Value Meal. I don’t know if the extra dollar can be justified since the creamy ranch sauce and the cheddar cheese REPLACES the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger’s peppery sauce and whatever cheese they used.

So I can’t decide what to call that, either a bloody ripoff or a frickin’ scam.

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the ABCRSB. There’s nothing really special about it, except for the fact that it’s made out of Angus beef, but I’ve tasted better burgers that weren’t made out of it.

Well if you’re interested in trying one, do it quick because the ABCRSB is only here for a limited time.

Item: Burger King Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger
Purchase Price: $6.39 (Value Meal)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hearty burger. Angus beef. Oooh, bacon.
Cons: Very pricey. Weak Ranch taste. Really long name and hard to pronounce when saying it really fast five times in a row (At least for me).

White Cherry Slurpee

Marvo 15 Comments

White Cherry Slurpee


She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie

Thank you, Los Angeles! Good night!

Oh, what? Sorry folks, today’s product just reminded me of the Warrant song “Cherry Pie.”

Now some of you young folks maybe wondering, “Who the hell is Warrant?”

Warrant was this “metal” band from the late 80’s and early 90’s. Notice the “metal” in quotes. You see back then there were these bands that used waaaaaaaaay too much hair spray and they called themselves “metal” bands, but they…

Oh, never mind. I don’t want to explain this. Go watch VH1 and you’ll understand.

“What does ‘cherry pie’ mean?”

Um…go ask your parents about that.

One of the great things about the Impulsive Buy’s location is that I can walk 100 yards and buy a Slurpee whenever I want. When I do buy one, I always get a 40-ounce Slurpee, because it makes sense economically to buy the biggest size. Remember it’s usually good to buy in bulk.

I also ask for a brown paper bag to put my Slurpee in, so that when people ask me what I’m drinking, I can tell them I’m drinking a forty, dogg.

For as long as I can remember, the convenience store down the street had a Slurpee dispenser with only four flavors. This sucked because two of those were always the Slurpee staples of Coke and Strawberry. This meant that not many new flavors would be available at the store.

However, the store recently went through a renovation and it now has a Slurpee dispenser with EIGHT frickin’ flavors. When I saw all those flavors I almost slurpeed all over myself.

One of the newest flavors is White Cherry Slurpee.

She’s my cherry pie…

Oh, sorry. I got that song stuck in my head.

After trying it, I have to say that the White Cherry Slurpee is so good that it’s now in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. To be honest, I didn’t expect to like it, but it’s surprisingly good with its sweet and tart taste.

Ever since trying the White Cherry Slurpee a week ago, I’ve purchased several since then. I guess you can say it has become addictive, like another white, crystallized substance called crack.

Except with the White Cherry Slurpee there aren’t any hallucinations, weight loss, or paranoia.

Item: White Cherry Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice sweet and tart taste. Addictive like crack. It’s in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. I like “cherry pie.”
Cons: She’s my cherry pie. Get out of my head, Warrant!

Motorola V180

Marvo 13 Comments

Motorola V180

Three weeks ago, I was a cell phone virgin.

I didn’t own a cell phone because I didn’t have a use for one, I didn’t want a possible brain tumor, and I enjoy being uncool.

Well today, I’m a cell phone whore. Okay, not really a whore, because I hardly use my phone.

So what made me change my mind?

Well I was talking to an old friend and I told him I didn’t have a cell phone. He said he felt sorry for me. Then I asked him why I would need a cell phone and he came up with an excellent and simple answer: Booty calls.

I thought about that for a second and decided that he may have a point. What if some woman out there wanted to give me a booty call and I was out and about? Without a cell phone, she wouldn’t be able to reach me and I wouldn’t get any booty.

Sure there’s a 99 percent chance of me NOT getting a booty call, but still, there’s that one percent.

So based on that one percent chance, I gave in and got a cell phone.

After shopping around and checking out online the various cell phone providers, I decided on T-Mobile, which a lot of my friends here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean subscribe to.

Next I had to decide on a phone and I chose the Motorola V180. The only reason why I chose it was because it was free (with service activation).

While doing my cell phone provider research, it seemed like EVERY company was offering this phone for free (with service activation). It seemed like they wanted to get rid of them like it was Anna Nicole Smith’s drunken, pre-Trimspa, hidden home sex tape.

However, I don’t know why they would offer the phone for free because the Motorola V180 seems like a good phone. The talk and standby time is excellent; it has a color screen; and it’s small and light. Plus, it helps me get one percent closer to receiving a booty call.

If there was one thing I didn’t like about the phone, it was the lack of a camera on it. But I figured I really didn’t need a camera on my phone, because I’d probably only use it to take voyeuristic photos of hot women.

(Wait, did I just admit that? I should take that out, so don’t seem creepy. Eh, I’ll just leave it in for now. I can always delete it later.)

Item: Motorola V180
Purchase Price: FREE (with service activation)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Free (with service activation). Full color screen. Long talk and standby time. I now have a one percent chance of getting a booty call.
Cons: No camera to take voyeuristic photos. Ugh…Images of a drunken, pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith in my head.