Author: Marvo

Happy Belated 100th Review Day!!!

Marvo 69 Comments

Celebration Time

Yes, you read right. Yesterday, the Impulsive Buy posted its 100th review.

To celebrate we’re not going to do the 101st review today. However, we are going to have a prize drawing. Not just any prize drawing. The most kick ass prize drawing ever in Impulsive Buy history.

We’re not talking anorexic Paris Hilton ass, we’re talking big Jennifer Lopez ass.

Sure we’ve given away pudding, antibacterial wipes, and Oral-B Brush-Ups, but this prize will be bigger and better than anything else we’ve given away.

Remember when Oprah gave away all those cars? It won’t even be close to that big, but it will be better than winning fifth place in a race.

So what is the Impulsive Buy giving away to celebrate our 100th review?

Um…We’re not sure yet, but we promise it will be the greatest thing you’ve probably ever won, unless you’ve won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes or the lottery.

The prize is so kick ass that there will only be ONE prize available.

To enter, just leave a comment for THIS POST with the words “Enter Me” in it and whatever else you would like to say. For those who are comment shy and would like to enter, email us with the words “Enter Me” in the subject line.

If you leave a comment, please don’t forget to fill out the email field.

We will accept entries from January 12, 2005 thru January 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States, Canada, and APOs.

Entries will be printed on pieces of paper and thrown into a jar. After all the entries are collected, I will pour all the entries onto my bed and roll over them with my sweaty naked body.

After rolling around for awhile, I will get up from my bed and let the entries that have stuck onto me fall off.

The last entry that falls off will be the winner of the most kick ass Impulsive Buy prize ever.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about low interest home loans. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you old J. Crew catalogs. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal

Marvo 18 Comments

Carb Well Golden Crunch

You know how some people go through a traumatic experience and then totally forget about the incident because it was so traumatic? Well I think I experienced that with this Carb Well Golden Crunch cereal.

It all started one glorious morning when I opened the cupboard and noticed the box of Carb Well cereal. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I didn’t have a chance to eat it, thanks to a particular crappy cereal that doesn’t turn my milk chocolatey.

Since I had nothing else around to eat for breakfast, I decided to try it.

When I pulled the box down, I noticed that the box was open. Even the package inside was opened and sealed with a clothespin.

I thought it was strange, because I didn’t remember opening the box. I figured it must have been my roommate, but then I knew he never touches my food. I shrugged it off and poured myself a bowl.

As the golden nuggets poured into my bowl, I could smell sweetness of the Carb Well cereal. What makes this cereal special is the fact it has very little carbs (9 grams), a whole lot of protein (11 grams), and a bit of fiber (5 grams).

It smelled pretty good, so I assumed it would taste good.

Let me tell you, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After I took that first spoonful of the Carb Well cereal, horrible memories that were repressed began spilling out of my subconscious. It all came back to me, all the memories of opening the box of Carb Well cereal and trying to eat a bowl two weeks earlier.

I remember the dryness of the cereal; the lack of taste; the way it seemed to soak up my saliva like sponges; the way I spit it out of my mouth; the pouring of what was left in my bowl down the drain and running the garbage disposal for a good minute to make sure the Carb Well cereal was dead; and wondering whether or not the dry dog food I once ate was worse tasting.

Oh, the horror! The horror! Mommy!

I guess I was so traumatized from the experience that I unconsciously just put the box of Carb Well cereal away and tucked away those memories deep into my mind.

After I calmed down from reliving those memories, I wanted to throw the rest of it away, but my cheap bastard side wouldn’t allow me waste the $2.50 I spent on it.

So I tried to overcome the blandness the best way that I could, by sprinkling sugar on top. It worked for Corn Flakes, Shredded Wheat, and Total, so I figured it would help.

However, with the Carb Well cereal, the sugar didn’t help at all.

For you Mary Poppins fans, I’ll explain it to you like this:


Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down
The Carb Well go down-wown
The Carb Well go down.
Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down.
Not in a delightful way.


Editor’s Note: Originally, I had put down the Sound of Music, instead of Mary Poppins, because I am an idiot. Thanks to all the readers/Julie Andrews fans who pointed this out to me. I need sugar.

After I realized the sugar wouldn’t help, I decided I had to get rid of the Carb Well cereal or else it would haunt me forever. So I poured the rest of the box down the drain and killed them all with the garbage disposal.

Note to self: Do not be tempted by the prices of Reduced For Quick Sale items. Especially meat, poultry, and dairy items.

Item: Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs and high protein. I might eat it if it were the last remaining food on Earth.
Cons: The horror! Oh, the horror! May cause traumatic experience. No amount of sugar will help with its taste.

Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs

Marvo 10 Comments

Where the hell is Sonny? I want to barbeque his orange-feathered ass.

What’s up with this 3/4 less sugar in his Cocoa Puffs?

Doesn’t Sonny realize he’s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.

I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldn’t have survived grade school. I wouldn’t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.

For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little “husky,” but I excelled in school and that’s all that really mattered. It’s better to be a smart “husky” kid than a stupid “husky” kid.

For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?

Where’s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They can’t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday and I don’t think any of them are willing to risk stunting their growth.

So what else does all this loss of sugar get us?

It gets us Cocoa Puffs that doesn’t turn the milk chocolatey. You heard me. No chocolatey milk.

What’s to blame for this? Splenda, that’s what.

Damn you, Splenda! Damn you!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids that energy comes in the form of sugar.

With 3/4 less sugar, I don’t think kids are going to go cuckoo over these Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs.

Editor’s Note: If you’re an astute Impulsive Buy reader, you may have noticed that today’s review is almost identical to a review we did in September for Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar.

Item: Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Chocolate. On sale.
Cons: Reduced taste. Splenda. Doesn’t make chocolate milk anymore. I’m not cuckoo for these Cocoa Puffs. We sort of recycled a review.

REVIEW: BE

Marvo 20 Comments

BE

Here at the Impulsive Buy there is a list on the wall called, “Top 5 Most Wanted,” which is a list of products that I REALLY want to try. It’s kind of like the FBI’s Top 5 Most Wanted.

Of course, there’s a big difference between the two. When you find something on the Impulsive Buy’s list, you might gain weight from it. When you find someone on the FBI’s list, you might get killed.

The most wanted product on the Impulsive Buy list was a new beer called BE (pronounced B-to-the-E) from Budweiser, who seem to get a lot of free product placement in the television show Cops. (Budweiser, the King of Beers…Among Criminals)

What makes BE a different kind of beer is that it’s a fruity-smelling beer, spiked with caffeine, guarana, and ginseng. An energy beer, if you will. According to what I’ve read about BE, the amount of caffeine in it is about the same you will find in a can of Mountain Dew.

So I’ve been looking for BE ever since it came out in November, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.

I checked at the national convenience store chain down the street, the national grocery store chain I shop at, the small-business destroying behemoth, the local grocery store nearby, and even the small liquor store at the corner that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors. None of them carried it.

Finally, this week I happened to be with some friends at a local bar and noticed that one of the waitresses had a BE in her hands. I instantly went to the bar to order one.

I was kind of disappointed when the bartender pulled out of those smaller-than-usual cans which most energy drinks come in, because I figured it would take a lot of those small cans to get most people drunk…Except me, because I’m such a lightweight drinker.

Give me a couple shots of tequila and I’d give ANYONE a lap dance.

So how does the BE taste?

It’s not bad. It has a sweet and sour taste to it, like most energy drinks, but you can also definitely taste the Budweiser as well. So just imagine Red Bull mixed with Budweiser.

I would’ve had another BE, but because I’m such a lightweight drinker and my sister was there with us, I wanted to make sure that there was NO WAY I would end being drunk enough to give her a lap dance.

Item: BE
Purchase Price: $3.50 (plus tip)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Caffeine. Alcohol. Not bad tasting. Found the number one most wanted product.
Cons: Pricey. Smaller-than-usual can.

The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream

Marvo 19 Comments

The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream

Sometimes I have a taste for the finer things in life, which I blame on my addiction to the television show MTV Cribs.

Unfortunately, I can only dream of enjoying the finer things, because I’m a cheap bastard and the salary of a quasi-product review blog editor is zero.

So instead of enjoying $50 Godiva chocolates, I eat a 59 cent Hershey’s chocolate bar. Whenever I have the urge for $100 Russian caviar (fish eggs), I eat $2.99 chicken eggs. When I wanted to buy a $35,000 Lexus IS-300, I instead settled for a $15,000 Toyota Corolla. Finally, when I wanted a $100 bottle of Cristal, I ended up with a $4.99 wine in a box.

As some of you know, I went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. While there I happened to come across The Art of Shaving Shop in the Mandalay Bay Resort. I was familiar with The Art of Shaving products thanks to my subscription to Men’s Health magazine, which I have to make me pretend I’m healthy.

The Art of Shaving products are known to be…Um, how can I put it?

Their products are considered cheap for those who wear a monocle and top hat, like the Monopoly guy, but DAMN expensive for EVERYONE else.

So I’m in the store and I decided to try some shaving cream. I looked at the price and it was twenty frickin’ dollars. You can get TEN cans of Edge Shaving Gel for twenty bucks. I thought that price was crazy, but then I remembered the Godiva, caviar, Lexus, and Cristal I couldn’t have and decided that this may be the only chance I get to enjoy one of the finer things in life.

I ended up plopping down twenty dollars for the sandalwood shaving cream. (I decided on the sandalwood, because it’s known to be an aphrodisiac and I need all the help I can get with the ladies.)

The texture of the shaving cream is much like Noxzema Cream. The sandalwood aroma was very nice and I guess it really does work as an aphrodisiac, because it turned me on to myself.

One of the cool things about this shaving cream is that I can use it without a brush or with a brush. However, I didn’t know what kind of brush to use, since I’ve never used a shaving cream that gave me the option of using a brush.

Using logic, I figured a toothbrush creates a good lather with toothpaste, so why not shaving cream? Unfortunately, my logic sucks and the toothbrush took away whatever dead skin cells I had and much of my epidermis.

Later, I found out that there’s something called a shaving cream brush, which The Art of Shaving has, but the bristles are made out of (I’m not making this up) badger hair. (Editor’s Note: There are several beaver jokes I could put right here, but I will refrain.)

One thing I noticed about this shaving cream is that it doesn’t lather up as much as other shaving creams and gels, which I think allowed me to have a closer and smoother shave.

Overall, I’m getting better shaving results with The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream and now that I’m enjoying one of the finer things in life, I need to purchase a monocle and top hat.

Item: The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream
Purchase Price: $20.00!!!
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Closer shave. Nice aroma, which may turn you on to yourself.
Cons: Holy crap! DAMN expensive! Affordable for those who own Boardwalk, Park Place, and the rest of the Monopoly board.