Author: Marvo

WTF!!! Enough With The Limited Edition Candy Bar Product Review Poll!!!

Marvo 89 Comments

Limited Edition candy bars are as common as Paris Hilton nipple slip pictures. With both of these things, you know you’re going to see them, but you just don’t know when.

Anyway, I recently picked up THREE limited edition candy bars from the convenience store down the street and I thought this would be another great opportunity to have another product review poll, where you get to vote for what product TIB reviews next. Your vote is like a puppet string telling me what to do.

Here are the three limited edition candy bars you will be able to vote for:

1. Snickers Xtreme (Note: When you say “Xtreme” you have to say it while holding a rock ‘n roll hand sign)

2. Twix Triple Chocolate

3. Snickers Dark

The candy bar with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will just be added to my gut or ass — it’s really up to my body. To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, January 21st (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time). Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like you’re a member of Congress voting for an increase in the minimum wage.

Final Results:
Snickers Xtreme – 35
Twix Triple Chocolate – 33
Snickers Dark – 10

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Oh yeah, one last thing for those of you in San Francisco.

I’m going to be in the San Francisco area from February 15th to February 21st and I was wondering if there are any TIB readers who would like to hang out one night. Right now, I don’t know what my entire schedule is going to be like. I’ll be spending some of my time in Tahoe, but I’m hoping that I’ll have a few free nights in San Francisco.

If you’re interested in hanging out with a quasi-product review blog editor, let me know using the contact page.

McDonald’s Banana Pie

Marvo 29 Comments

Isn’t technology great?

Thanks to people who make way more money that I do — the engineers and scientists who advance society — computers have gotten faster, cell phones have gotten smaller, hard drives have gotten larger, sex dolls have gotten more realistic (kind of SFW), and robots have come even closer to making human beings their slaves.

It doesn’t seem like it was too long ago when cell phones were the size of a concrete brick, gave off enough radiation to cook a hot dog, and to talk on it would cost about the same amount per minute as any 1-900 number found in the back of Juggs or Booty Magazine.

Today, cell phones can easily fit in a pocket, can play music, take scantily clad pictures of yourself to post on your MySpace or blog, and thanks to small wireless Bluetooth earpieces, they can also make you look like a crazy person talking to yourself.

Cell phones are a more recent technology, but even one of the pillars of home entertainment — the television — has seen dramatic improvement over the decades of its existence. When I was growing up, televisions came in black and white or color, screen were small, knobs were used to change channels, and PBS had Monty Python and occasional nudity.

Televisions today can come in sizes greater than 100 inches and show a vivid color picture in high-definition which allows you to see blades of grass blowing on a football field or the wrinkles on Larry King’s face that show the number of times he’s been married (It works much like how the rings in a tree can determine its age).

Advances in technology doesn’t stop with just consumer electronics and sex dolls, it’s been also seen in the fast food industry. Burgers have gotten bigger, french fries have gotten fryer, cup sizes have gotten taller, the waists of fast food eaters have gotten wider, and Happy Meals have gotten happier.

However, there has been one area in the fast food industry that hasn’t seen many technological advances — fast food pie technology. Over the years, the only change the McDonald’s Apple Pie has seen in its almost 40-year history was having the fried version replaced with a baked one in 1992. Although despite it being baked, along with Nick Nolte and Tara Reid, today’s McDonald’s Apple Pie is probably the only other thing in existence that is really baked, but looked fried.

Recently, other people who make way more money than me — chefs, nutritionists, and pieologists — have taken the apple out of the McDonald’s Apple Pie and replaced it with exotic fruits like, cherries, taro, and bananas.

Recently, I ate the McDonald’s Banana Pie, which was apparently available for a limited time at participating McDonald’s, because it doesn’t seem to be around anymore. From the outside it looked like a normal fried McDonald’s Apple Pie, but inside was the potassium-rich goodness of bananas, which is also the number one cause of accidents in cartoons.

The pie itself was good and sweet and the bananas inside weren’t mushy at all, but despite it being tasty, I don’t know if just replacing the fruit in a McDonald’s pie is enough of an advancement in fast food pie technology. I was hoping for a bigger pie, a pie that heats itself, or a pie that can make itself a la mode.

Item: McDonald’s Banana Pie
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Tasty and sweet. Crispy. Potassium from bananas. Bananas weren’t mushy. Advances in sex doll technology.
Cons: Fried not baked. For a limited time. No major advances in fast food pie technology. Cartoon accidents caused by banana peels.

Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews

Marvo 29 Comments

(Note: Since posting this review the company has changed the formula of Buzz Bites. So it probably tastes different now.)

Much like birth control, caffeinated products come in many options, its effectiveness varies from product to product, and is frowned upon by some Mormons.

For those who don’t know, I love sweet, sweet caffeine and over the years I’ve tried a variety of items that contain caffeine, like energy drinks, teas, mints, sodas, gum, coffee, pills, and candy. If I used birth control as many times as I do caffeinated products, it would be the equivalent of me getting laid every single night, which of course is the exact opposite of reality because I am totally not too sexy for my shirt.

Like I said in the first sentence, birth control and caffeinated products are very similar. For example, I personally like to think of energy drinks as the caffeinated equivalent of condoms — they are plentiful, come in a variety of styles and colors, and all of them are too small for me.

It’s a daunting task to be standing in front of either a wall of condoms or a full refrigerated case of energy drinks to pick out the one you like. Words like “twisted,” “pleasure,” “flavored,” “extra large,” “ultra thin,” “reservoir end,” “extra-stimulating,” “warming,” and “tropical colored” pop out when faced with a wall of condoms at your local drug store. (If not, you need to go to a better drug store.)

When in front of a wall of energy drinks at your local convenience store, there are also words that pop out at you, like “xtreme,” “energy,” “taurine,” “guarana,” “crammed,” “ginseng,” “juiced,” “double strength,” and “power.”

Both products even have warnings on them. On an energy drink can it says, “Not recommended for children, Richard Simmons, pregnant or nursing women, Charo, those sensitive to caffeine, or Robin Williams.”

On a condom box the warning says, “If used properly, latex condoms may help to reduce the risk of catching or spreading many sexually transmitted diseases and help control the stupid people population (i.e. anyone who has been arrested on the TV show Cops or anyone who has dated a hotel heiress with the last name Hilton), but unfortunately it is not 100 percent effective.”

Recently, I tried the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews and I have to say that these caffeinated chocolates are much like birth control diaphragms — both are chewy, aren’t used by many people, and in order for them to work they need to shoved into a damp orifice.

Each individually-wrapped Buzz Bites piece is square, kinda smells like Cocoa Puffs, and is slightly smaller than a Starburst. Despite it smelling like the chocolatey cereal that makes a bird go cuckoo and young kids everywhere hyperactive due to sugar, its taste didn’t come close to making me go cuckoo. It was actually a lot more bitter than chocolatey or sweet, but I should’ve expected that since it only has three grams of sugar.

However, it did turn me into a slightly hyperactive Richard Simmons thanks to my Bedazzler and the 100 milligrams of caffeine each Buzz Bites has, which is roughly the same amount in a cup of coffee. It’s also got energy-producing B vitamins, ginseng, and taurine, which along with the caffeine probably gives the Buzz Bites its bitter taste.

Overall, the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews may not be the tastiest way to get caffeine, but it’s probably one of the quickest. Now only if there was a chocolate-flavored birth control, it would probably be the tastiest way to prevent me from being some kid’s baby daddy.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sarah at Vroom Foods for sending me a tin of Buzz Bites. She also sent me a tin of Foosh Energy Mints, which I think are much, much better and contain the same amount of caffeine. Also, Candy Addict reviewed the Buzz Bites last year. You can read their review here.)

Item: Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews
Price: FREE (6 pieces)
Purchased at: Received from Vroom Foods (Warning: Loud link)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It did give me an energy pick up. A quick way to get caffeine. One piece has the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. Individually wrapped pieces. Smells chocolatey. Birth control.
Cons: Bitter taste. Only six pieces per tin. The Bedazzler. Stupid people who reproduce. A caffeinated Charo, Robin Williams, or Richard Simmons.

Act II Popcorn Ball

Marvo 31 Comments

I personally think the food that best represents the holiday season is the Act II Popcorn Ball, although it definitely isn’t the best tasting holiday food.

Many of you will probably disagree with me and say either turkey, gingerbread cookies, egg nog, candy canes, chocolate Santas, fruitcake, or a large bottle of whiskey are foods that best represent the holiday season, but this is what I’ll say to you, “Nay, my festivus friend, the holidays are all about balls…popcorn balls.”

Think about it. The Act II Popcorn Ball is very similar to many things that are seen during the holiday season. You may not realize them, so I’m going to point them out to you.

First off, it’s round and is roughly the size of a tennis ball (three inches in diameter). There are many holiday-ish items that come in a round form, like tree ornaments, a snowman’s head, a snowman’s body, cookies for Santa, Santa’s big fat gut from eating cookies, and the number of times most people have seen any of the three Tim Allen The Santa Clause movies — zero.

Its white color is also the color of many things seen during the holiday season, like snow, iPods, Santa’s beard, and Jesus’ skin color.

The Act II Popcorn Ball consists of popcorn and sugar compressed together in a tight space. This cramming of popcorn together is much the bringing of people together in any shopping mall on the day after Thanksgiving or the week prior to Christmas.

Instead of popped kernels of popcorn packed tightly together, it’s pissed off patrons waiting in line for a cashier, dressing room, next generation video game console, women’s restroom stall, or $29 DVD player at the Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Despite it being held together with sugar, and possibly the holiday spirit, the Act II Popcorn Ball tears apart easily, like the hearts of little children when they find out Santa doesn’t exist. Its consistency is much like old popcorn, but the sugar around it makes that old popcorn taste better, sort of like kettle corn, but not really as sweet or as good.

Wrapping the old popcorn in sugar is very similar to the holiday concept of re-gifting. Think of the old popcorn as a gift from last Christmas, like the sweater grandma knitted, the “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt your stupid friend got you, or the piece of jewelry you were going to give to your significant other, but then they break up with you right before Christmas and every day for the next year you stare at that piece of jewelry and think of your former significant other and cry for about an hour in your bedroom staring at the ceiling, then you want to throw it away but you can’t because every time you’re about to throw it into the ocean you remember all the great times you spent together on the beach, so you keep holding on to that piece of jewelry hoping that your ex-significant other comes back to you, despite the fact that they’re dating another person, and you take it with you every time you’re sitting in your car staring through their window with a pair of binoculars. Then think of the sugar as the new wrapping paper around it, turning what was old into something new for that not-so-special person receiving the gift — probably a co-worker.

With 12 grams of sugar, 100 calories, one gram of fat, one gram protein, two grams of fiber, and no cholesterol, the Act II Popcorn Ball has roughly the same nutritional content as many holiday decorations, like a small Christmas wreath, a Christmas tree branch, or the mistletoe branch that is strategically placed directly above your waist.

Finally, because the Act II Popcorn Ball is made out of popcorn, it’s most likely that popcorn kernel parts will get stuck in between your teeth. If you’ve experienced this, you know that this is irritating like the other holiday annoyances: little old ladies cutting in the cashier line, finding parking at the shopping mall to do Christmas shopping, and making sure the shopping mall Santa doesn’t touch you improperly while taking a picture with him.

Item: Act II Popcorn Ball
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by co-worker
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Best food to represent the holiday season. Low fat. Low sodium. Zero cholesterol. Two grams of fiber. Tears apart easily. Sugar makes it taste better. Sort of like kettle corn, but not as sweet.
Cons: Old popcorn consistency. Getting popcorn stuck in between your teeth. Receiving re-gifted gifts. Waiting in line for a women’s restroom stall. Waiting for a woman who is waiting for a women’s restroom stall. Any of The Santa Clause movies. Crying after finding out Santa isn’t real and also after your significant other breaks up with you and leaves you as an empty cold shell of a person.

Happy Winners Announced Day!!!

Marvo 6 Comments

Okay, I thought about doing that email on the french fry thing, but then I thought about all the trans fats I would consume if I decided to eat all the fries or if I gave it to some random homeless dude. After all, my New Year’s Resolution is to eat healthier and to help homeless people eat healthier.

So I did the next best thing — pick numbers out of my sweat stained cap that I use for running. Here are the ten winners of the 2006 Holiday Fast Food Prize Drawing:

Comment #38 – Brie
Comment #6 – Ellen
Comment #168 – Scott
Comment #80 – t0rs0
Comment #27 – kagai
Comment #77 – Kari
Comment #25 – Josh
Comment #165 – Peggy
Comment #16 – catboy17
Comment #184 – Badtz-Mari

Each winner will receive a gift card from one of the fast food establishments I’ve reviewed products from over the years. The winners will get to decide which fast food gift card they will receive.

Thanks to everyone who participated!