Author: Marvo

Ito En Sencha Shot

Marvo 30 Comments

Ito En Sencha Shot

Over the years, I have found that many good things come in small packages, like chewing gum, marshmallows, my iPod, eggs, and Danny DeVito.

Unfortunately, I recently came across something that came in a small package, but wasn’t very good.

No, it wasn’t the movie Daddy Day Care for the Playstation Portable. It was the Ito En Sencha Shot.

In Japanese, “cha” means tea. As for “sen,” I don’t know what it means in Japanese off the top of my head, but to my friends with the munchies and glassy eyes, it means they’ll be twenty dollars poorer and maybe a little late to work.

Although, Sencha Shot does sound like something a little less messy than a bukkake. (Yes! Finally! I have used the word “bukkake” in a review!)

(Warning: The link above may contain stuff that is NSFW.)

Anyway, the Sencha Shot is basically Japanese green tea in a can.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with green tea, it’s a wonderful source of antioxidants, which are used to get rid of harmful free radicals in our body.

According to the can, it contains 152 milligrams of catechin tea antioxidants.

That amount may look impressive, but it’s not as impressive as the names of the individual antioxidants — epicatechin, epicatechingallate, epigallocatechin, and epigallocatechingallate — which are not only long, but also words that may make National Spelling Bee Championship competitors either faint, cry, or pee in their pants.

Instead of a lot of long words I can’t spell or pronounce, I wish the Sencha Shot contained a lot of short words that I could pronounce and a decent flavor. It was cold and slightly bitter, just like the Japanese green tea that sat in my cup for hours because my blind date didn’t show up at the Japanese restaurant we were supposed meet at.

Fortunately, there wasn’t much Sencha Shot to drink, because the small can held only 6.4 ounces.

Surprisingly, the hardest thing about the Sencha Shot was not spelling bee championship-type names of the antioxidants, it was the can itself. I found out the hard way that the can was impossible to crush on my forehead, because it’s made out of steel.

Actually, I found out the hard way a few times, because I didn’t realize slamming a steel can on my forehead would mess with my short-term memory. After slamming my forehead with the steel can the first time, I quickly forgot about it and attempted to crush the steel can on my forehead again…and again…and again.

The next day, I woke up with a red ring on my forehead and could no longer recall the lyrics of Gerardo’s “Rico Suave.”

Item: Ito En Sencha Shot
Purchase Price: $1.49 (6.4 ounces)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: High in catechin tea antioxidants. High in Vitamin C. No calories or fat. Finally got to use the word “bukkake” in a review. I no longer know the lyrics to “Rico Suave.”
Cons: Tastes like the cold green tea that I can get from waiting around for a blind date at a Japanese restaurant. Wee little can. Can is impossible to crush on forehead because it is made out of steel. Antioxidant names are hard to spell and pronounce.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

Marvo 28 Comments

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

Marvios

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.

The State of the Impulsive Buy

Marvo 33 Comments

Many of you maybe wondering WTF?

Why have I been posting fewer reviews recently?

Well the reason why is because I have a new job at a non-profit organization. Oh wait, I really should say, “I have a job…Period.” I don’t think my previous “job” of sitting in my pajamas all day, watching cartoons, and writing product reviews really counted as an official job.

Although, except for the writing of product reviews, it sounds like the current job description for Kevin Federline’s position as Britney’s sperm giver.

Anyway, because of my new job and my freelance writing work, I haven’t had the time to write many reviews. However, since I have a real job now, I plan to quit my freelancing, after I finish up one last project. This means I can get back to writing reviews on a regular basis.

So hopefully within a couple of weeks the Impulsive Buy will be back in full swing. Until then, I will continue to post sporadic reviews. I’m sorry for this.

Thank you for your understanding.

Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

PS – Ultradave, please don’t hunt me down and kick me in the shins.

Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt

Marvo 23 Comments

Growing up, I never ate Special K because the television ads made me think the only people who ate Special K were skinny beautiful women in white one-piece bathing suits.

At that time, I wasn’t skinny, beautiful, a woman, or owned a white one-piece bathing suit. Instead, I was husky, homely, a little boy, and owned a whole bunch of horizontally striped collared shirts that made me look even more husky. So I felt I wasn’t special enough to eat Special K.

However, today I’m slightly overweight, apparently kind of cute, a man, and once walked around my dorm wearing some girl’s bra for a dollar.

Despite the progress I’ve made, I still don’t think I’m quite special enough to eat Special K.

Another reason why I never ate Special K was because it didn’t seem like there was anything “special” about it.

No chocolate.

No marshmallows.

No rainbow of colors.

No two scoops of raisins.

No toy inside the box.

No athletes on the front of the box.

No super difficult word find puzzles on the back of the box.

No crystal meth-looking frosting.

Unless Kellogg’s decided to use psychology on all of us to make us think that Special K is “special,” but in reality the only thing “special” about Special K is the fact that there’s nothing special about it.

Oh man, my brain hurts. That took too much thought.

Well there may not be anything special about Special K, but there is something special about Special K Fruit & Yogurt. Also, I may not be special enough to eat Special K, but the time I spent wearing a bra and the other time I spent wearing a muumuu surely makes me special enough to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt.

Since I’ve never eaten Special K, I don’t know how it tastes. However, I imagine that it tastes horribly bland, because it looks horribly bland, like corn flakes or Ashlee Simpson’s new movie, “Undiscovered.”

Thank goodness I’ve never had to eat Special K, but I’m glad I got to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt because it’s actually pretty good with its oat & fruit clusters and yogurt-coated clusters mixed with rice and wheat flakes.

The berry-flavored oats give the cereal a nice taste and crunch, which is good because the flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Also, despite looking like something that a drunk college kid might throw up, the yogurt-coated clusters also added a different flavor and texture to the cereal.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Berry-flavored oats and yogurt-coated clusters made the cereal pretty tasty. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Low fat. Low calorie.
Cons: Box is kind of small. Flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Ashlee Simpson’s movie “Undiscovered.” Not special enough to eat regular Special K.

Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight

Marvo 29 Comments

Dreyer's Slow Churned Light

Ice cream is one of the best comfort foods.

Since it’s cool, creamy, and delicious, it’s supposed to help people forget all of their troubles. It’s much like alcohol and Calgon, except without the hangovers and prune fingers.

Ice cream has helped me on several occasions.

One time I was flipping channels and came upon this movie. I stopped flipping channels and ended up watching this movie because there was this pretty woman acting in it. Well to make a long story short, it turned out that the pretty woman was actually a dude, which caused me to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in about fifteen minutes.

Damn you, The Crying Game! Damn you!

Another time ice cream helped me was when I was with a couple of friends and we were hiking along the coastline and we came upon a private nude beach. I saw a lot of T and A, but unfortunately, it was only 60-year-old T and A. But what made it worse was that there were also many 60-year-old floppy schlongs.

This was bad because I had images of dancing 60-year-old boobs and schlongs in my head for the rest of the hike. When we got back from the hike, it took four ice cream sandwiches to help me forget about those images.

Now the problem with using ice cream to help me forget about my troubles is the fact that I have a lot of troubles, like running into ex-girlfriends, hearing Clay Aiken sing, possibly being molested by a drunk Tara Reid, hearing the Usher song “Yeah!” for the umpteenth time, and older white folks saying “bling bling.”

Because I have a lot of troubles, I eat a lot of ice cream, which means I’m possibly committing one of the Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony.

Otherwise known as, “normal life” by hair metal bands from the 1980s and 1990s.

Sure, I could just eat low-fat or Healthy Choice ice cream, but then the troubling experience of dancing schlongs in my head will be replace the troubling experience of eating really crappy tasting ice cream.

If only someone would come out with an ice cream with all the flavor, but without the need to make frantic calls to Jenny Craig, like I’m Kirstie Alley.

Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Kent and Jobetta, I think I may have found that ice cream, Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light. It has half the fat and one-third fewer calories than regular ice cream.

The Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight I bought was surprisingly really good. The caramel flavor seemed to have permeated through the ice cream because it was in every spoonful, even when there weren’t any caramel swirls.

(Holy crap! Did I just use the word “permeated?” That’s such a big word for me. I’m so happy! My vocabulary is still growing!)

Overall, it’s the best light ice cream I’ve ever tasted. It’s creamy, rich, delicious, healthier than regular ice cream, and will help me cope when someone sees my ass crack when I go commando in my low cut jeans.

Item: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Delicious. Half the fat of regular ice cream. One-third fewer calories than regular ice cream. Caramel flavor was in every spoonful. Me using the word “permeated” for the first time.
Cons: 60-year-old schlongs flopping up and down on a nude beach. 60-year-old boobies flopping up and down on a nude beach. My inability to distinguish between dudes and chicks.