Author: Marvo
The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)
While in high school and college, I tried to learn about the opposite sex by reading my twin sister’s Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and Marie Claire magazines.
I even took those silly quizzes. However, now that I think about it, all I’ve learned from those quizzes were; I’m a bitch and a skanky ho.
Despite reading women’s magazines, I still wasn’t very good at impressing women in high school and college. However, looking back, the permed hair I had during those years might’ve been the reason why I wasn’t successful with women.
Recently, I picked up the June 2005 issue of The Oprah Magazine, or “O†for short, because there was an interview with Jon Stewart in it and I didn’t like the quizzes offered in the other women’s magazines.
Do I really need to know how much of a flirt I am? Or, do I need to know if my man is cheating on me? I don’t think so.
Anyway, the issue I picked up is apparently the “men’s issue,†with a lot of articles about men. However, I found out that it’s strong enough for a man, but with the tampon ads, made for woman.
After reading the magazine, I didn’t learn much about the opposite sex, but I did see some nice things to buy for a girlfriend, if I had one, and I also have a newly-discovered jealousy of women’s magazines.
I’m jealous because there are frickin’ coupons in the magazine. There’s a 3 Musketeers coupon, an All laundry detergent coupon, and TWO coupons for the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad.
All we’ve got in men’s magazines are women in bikinis and lingerie, sports cars, and cool gadgets. Those are all great things, but why can’t we get some coupons too? I would totally dig some Burger King coupons or lap dance coupons.
Another cool thing about The Oprah Magazine is Oprah.
For a 51-year old woman, she is looking so fine. If Stedman wasn’t in her life, I’d be totally trying to mack with her.
You might think I’d only mack with her because she’s got a lot of money, but no, that wouldn’t be the case. I’d do it because I think she’s hot and maybe together we could have my wildest dream on her Wildest Dreams Bus.
Despite the interview with Jon Stewart, the coupons, and hot pictures of Oprah, there were a few things that bothered me about the magazine: The pictures of Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil is a scary-looking and scary-sounding man. Just the sight of him makes my Oprah boner turn flaccid.
Item: The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)
Purchase Price: $3.95
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ coupons! Oprah. Jon Stewart interview.
Cons: Dr. Phil is scary (and insane).
REVIEW: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink
Oh my god, Fruity Pebbles, pink was, like, so 2004.
I don’t know if you, like, got the memo, but pink is, like, no longer the new black.
So why don’t you, like, go back home to your South Beach Diet and listen to the Usher song “Yeah!†on, like, your CD player?
Oh my god, you’re, like, so not current. I bet you, like, still call P. Diddy, Puff Daddy.
I mean, like, where have you been for the past five months? Living in, like, a cave?
Not even singer Pink likes pink anymore. I heard she’s gonna, like, change her name to Fuchia or something like that.
Oh my god, like, look at your shoes! Have you been, like, shopping from the clearance rack?
Pffff… You know what? I had those shoes in, like, 2003. But, like, a week later I donated them to Goodwill, because they, like, weren’t in style anymore. I bet that’s where you, like, got them from.
I bet you, like, also still have acid-washed jeans and Benetton clothing in your closet.
Why are you, like, adding a new color anyway? It’s not like you taste any better or look any better. You could’ve, like, added death black, vomit green, or doo-doo brown, you still will, like, taste the same.
Oh my god, like, you have so many colors anyway, Fruity Pebbles. It’s like you got caught in a tornado with, like, Elton John’s wardrobe.
Why don’t you, like, add marshmallows or something? Those are, like, so hot right now. But, like, if you don’t do it by next week, it’s gonna be, like, so not hot, like that pink outfit you’re, like, wearing.
Oh my god, how about some, like, contrast? You look like a bottle of, like, Pepto Bismol.
I think I, like, need a bottle of it right now, because I’m, like, getting nauseated from looking at how uncool you are.
Anyway, I have to, like, go, because, like, your uncoolness is, like, totally rubbing off on me. I think I have to, like, buy a whole new wardrobe because of you. And, like, I guarantee my new wardrobe won’t have, like, any pink.
Item: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like normal Fruity Pebbles. There’s, like, 10 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Pink was, like, so 2004. Like, so not current. Adding, like, a new color is, like, so not hot. The game on the back of the box was, like, hard.
Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
Wind, rain, sleet, or snow will not prevent a postal worker from delivering the mail. Those things also will not prevent my mouth from burning after eating the habanero beef jerky from Jerky By Art.
Impulsive Buy reader Chuck was kind enough to send me a package of habanero beef jerky. I think he sent it because he’s a sadistic bastard, but then again, I’m a masochistic bastard, so I was happy to receive it.
I believe the only way you can tell if something is really spicy is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy. Using this criteria, the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky was definitely spicy.
While chewing on the jerky, it feels like there’s a party going on in my mouth, a Fourth of July party with lots of fireworks. Many hours later that fireworks party moves to my anus.
Once you stop eating the habanero jerky, the burn stays in your mouth for about 10 to 15 minutes.
Of course, 10 to 15 minutes seems like a lifetime when your mouth feels like you’ve just made out with Pele, the Hawaiian Goddess of Fire.
For some, this may seem like torture. But think of it this way, some people actually pay a few hundred dollars to be tortured by some woman in a tight leather suit who tells people they’re a good for nothing piece of crap that should be stepped on with her six inch heels.
Unfortunately, thinking of it this way didn’t help me. So while my mouth was burning, I looked for some quick relief.
I tried water, milk, cubes of ice, vanilla ice cream, and Pepto Bismol. (Warning: Annoying music will play on the Pepto Bismol site.)
None of them worked, but I think my masochistic side was happy with that.
The habanero jerky also made me cry and sweat at the same time, so for the past couple of weeks I’ve been only eating a couple of pieces every day, because I can only sweat and cry at the same time for a short period of time.
If I sweat and cry at the same time for long periods, I believe I will turn into dust.
Despite the burning sensation from the habanero, the jerky is actually pretty good and it’s not extremely tough like some beef jerky are. Plus, the jerky comes in nice little bite sizes.
However, the greatest thing I found out about the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky is the fact that it makes for a great pick me up. Forget Mountain Dew or any energy drink.
Need to stay awake to cram for an exam? Need to finish a review for a quasi-product review blog? Put away the NoDoz and start chewing on some habanero beef jerky. The burn will make you forget about sleep.
Item: Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by Impulsive Buy reader Chuck)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really hot. Tasty. Not tough. Bite-sized pieces. Great pick me up.
Cons: Really hot. Burn lasts for 10-15 minutes. My masochistic side.
Which of the Five Will Stay Alive!!! (June Edition)
If you could step into my bedroom, you would probably think to yourself:
1. Why is there a rug with the famous painting of dogs playing poker on it?
2. Is the strobe light on all the time?
3. Are the eyes in the poster-sized picture of Marvo on the wall following me?
4. What’s with all the pairs of fuzzy handcuffs?
5. Holy crap! There sure are a lot of empty bottles and boxes on that shelf.
Yes, there are a lot of empty bottle and boxes of unreviewed products on my shelf and every so often I need to whittle it down. Thank goodness for these product elections, which is an opportunity to get rid of old stuff to make room for new stuff.
Damn, I sound like a car salesman.
Anyway, for this product election, you will be able to choose from FIVE candidates:
1. Lay’s Pizza Stax
2. Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Buns Cereal
3. Nabisco Kid Sense Smilin’ Ritz Bits
4. Rip It Energy Fuel
5. Bubblicious LeBron’s Lightning Lemonade Gum
The candidate with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will be considered the winner’s bitches.
To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Or you can email me with your choice in the subject line. Only one choice and vote per person.
I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, June 5th. Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.
Now go vote like it’s the finals of American Idol.